...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

I never did class parties. Horrendous. Just 4 or 5 close friends.

Ds has only been invited to whole class parties in KS1, none in KS2 despite having two parties himself. However sometimes the children want to do a specific activity for their birthday that is more expensive, should they be obligated to do something they enjoy less with children they don’t actually play with? To me this doesn’t seem fair either

Yep, two children with SEN here.

last year DS got one party invite back. Which broke my heart when he brought the invite back looking so excited «i’ve Been invited!!».
DD is 6, she had a whole class party in June. Since then their are weekly excitements in her class as invites are handed out, but never to her.

I think some parents should really insist their children are kind and inclusive. It’s so gutting for the children involved.

I agree, you shouldn't leave out 2 or 3, whether for a whole class party or a single sex one.

Unfortunately however, when you get to everyone having parties for 8 or fewer, it will often be that some get invited to all, and some to none.

Your OP didn't say this was about all boy or all girl parties....

You said a handful of children are being invited and that's unfair.... wtf is unfair about inviting 5 kids out of a class of 30? Even if you invite 5 girls out of say 10 that is perfectly normal and reasonable. So what the issue?

I've never been one for whole class or 'all the boys' parties. I ask my kids who they play with at school and it's generally 3/4/5 children, then we invite cousins and other non-school friends. Perfectly reasonable.

I’m nice and non-cunty and my son has always had a selected group of children at his parties (around 8-12 kids). I have neither the desire, inclination or funds to invite the whole class, and he has friends who are girls so only inviting one gender is out. I’ve been to a few whole class parties and they were bedlam - I would not enjoy that and, more importantly, neither would my son. My son doesn’t get invited to everyone’s party and it’s totally fine. And he doesn’t exclude SEN children (one of his best friends has ASD and has been invited to all of DS’s parties - I have no idea if there are other SEN kids in his friendship group/class because it’s none of my business). The only children excluded are ones he doesn’t play with/know.

Well we have invited the whole reception class. Only the new "working mums" who have had children in private nurseries have said yes. The clique who have all had children at the preschool have not replied at all.

Most activity type parties have a minimum booking of 10-12 dc, so I tend to invite 8-10. It’s not to leave people out, it’s just that at £12-15 per child it’s quite expensive, especially as I have to do 4 parties a year so I couldn’t easily afford more. Hall hire, entertainment and food would work out more. If I could invite only 6-7 best friends I would, but end up inviting a few more because of numbers needed to book. It’s rare any of my dc invite friends of just one gender either, so it’s 15 out of the class of 25 who aren’t invited rather than 3 out of 12 girls/ boys.

No children DD knows has had whole class parties or all the girls/ boys, and she is in KS2. Just not how things work here, even in reception. Most children have between 3 and 10 friends come. Which seems fair enough to me - 30 in class, so never one or two left out, some kids celebrate with family, so don't have anyone from school, and keeps costs down.

My twins are in separate yr1 classes...that would mean inviting 58 kids to their party which for one thing is totally impractical as well as expensive also one of them hates very noisy busy parties so wouldn't enjoy it at all. I go with the poster who said either all or less than half.

I think inviting all but 2 or 3 is really mean spirited, and encourages a nastiness. We did whole class for years, then from Yr 5 was more likely a small group to cinema/bowling etc.

Totally normal to only invite the people that your child actually plays with from y1 onwards.

If it's a very expensive activity then totally normal for the list in the previous sentence to be shortened again. (My ds was invited to a theme park and birthday child's parents drove the kids there)

My son is old enough to decide who he wants to invite to parties. He’s 9.

He’s left out all the boys with SEND who he is friends with - because he said he doesn’t want to. Instead he wants to invite them to a smaller play date. He recognises already that there are different friendship groups and he is trying to not leave children out.

It is hard not to take it personally when your dc isn’t invited to parties - a lot of the time it really isn’t personal. Dcs have opinions and sometimes they just don’t like kids and don’t want them at their birthday.

A lot of birthday packages are for 10 kids so birthday child can invite 9 kids (8 if sibling does the activity too)

No, I said a handful are being left out - the same ones time and time again.

Mine had friends of the opppsite sex.

They had a fixed number to invite and that was that

DS particulay had 8 close friends and they all went to each other's parties.

They didn't invite kids they didn't like or didn't play with.

Don't are the point in that

We did-
Preschool whole class
Reception whole class
YR 1 all the girls
YR 2 allowed DD to choose 5 guests
The year she invited 5 kids she only got invited to 1 party all year as most parents were doing the same. One CF sent her child up to my child in school yard at pick up (in front of me) and said I don’t like you anymore because you didn’t invite me to your party and I invited you to my last one. I stepped in and said she has only invited 5 people this time and we invited you to the last 3 parties and your Mum said you were coming and then didn’t turn up so I had to pay for you anyway. She was embarrassed and ran back over to her Mum. That’s the only negative reaction I’ve had to not inviting the whole class, but I think they were being CFs, especially as the kid in question isn’t even friends with my DD!

I would never do that. Parties aren't just for enjoyment. They also teach children good etiquette, a part of that is ensuring that people don't feel excluded. We will be doing whole class parties until our children go to senior school.

It's normal for us, now in Y3. Whole class parties are crazy big and expensive, so we either do all girls or pick her better friends. Everyone seems to do similar.

Both my DC have friends who have ASD and both get invited to their parties. No issues at all.

I refuse to invite bullies. You can call me cunty for that but I’m not inviting kids who’ve made my DC’s life a misery. End of.

Actually if you have let’s say 15 girls and 15 boys in the class, and you invite 5 or 6 of the girls, you will still have about 10 girls plus the whole 15 boys that aren’t invited.

I have to say I can’t see the issue.

It is true that by doing that, some children will never be invited (dc2 wasn’t). But it’s not because those children in particular have been excluded iyswim.

I think it’s very different to invitting 13 or 14 of the 15 girls for example

Schools I have worked in had a rule that whole class invites were allowed to be distributed at school. Any deviation and the parents had to sort it out of school premises, so no who's got an invitation hoopla. Seemed to work ok.

My dc has had no party (Yr 1) an all the girls invited party (yr 2) and a party with 6 girls from the class (yr 3) It's totally dependant on the capacity, budget and type of party the childs wants surely?