...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

I think it's awful that a child would be left out because of SEN.
My friend said she would just rather people ask if she would stay with her son than exclude him.
We became friends as one of my dc took a shine to her ds, long ago now, they're both grown up.
I wouldn't dream of missing a child or two out, whatever the reason.

And am i the only one that finds the idea of all boys / girls party strange?

I find it astonishingly odd, and certainly more anti-social and difficult to explain to a child than being left out of a party.

"Little Tommy didn't invite you to his party?"
"No."
"Not always space for everyone at a party is there - do you play with Tommy much?"
"Nah, he plays with Bob"
"Probably why he invited Bob don't you think?"

But with "Only girls", how's it going to go?

"Not always space for everyone at a party is there - do you play with Alice much?"
"Yeah, we play unicorns all the time"
"Still, maybe there are people she plays with more?"
"But she invited Melissa, and she never plays with, says we're stupid for playing unicorns and we should be playing football."
"guess they didn't want boys, no, how strange..."

I actually find „only one gender“ parties worse than any other subgroup. At this age, there is absolutely no reason to be gender specific. Parties at my son’s school are either all class, or 5-8 friends (mixed gender). Both are fine (it’s a small school, 24 in year 1)

My dad once told me that when I had a party aged 6, I asked if a little boy could come ‘because he doesn’t get invited to many parties’

I am always quite proud of the little girl I was.When I asked my mum about it she said he had a difficult home life and she read us all a story ( which you did at parties in the 60’s ) he didn’t take his eyes off her for the entire time.

OK, so the naughty child I mentioned in the original thread isn't a bully. She is very disruptive in class. All the parents completely ignore her parent (NOBODY talks to her). Another one who is a little naughty isn't a bully either, but has wrap-around care so other parents don't see her parents much. Also, I've noticed that a couple of kids with parents who don't know other parents well do not get invited (different pre-school).

I feel really sorry for them. Although my DD does not want to invite the 'naughty' one, it feels so wrong for me not to include her. It feels like I'd be teaching my DD to be mean. Also, it's just not what I'd do.

I told her that just because she comes to her party doesn't mean they have to be friends - sometimes we have to do the right thing, meaning, not a mean thing.

My son had Sn got invited to one party we’re he was shouted out and made to sit in the corner

No one showed up to his party when he was 6 we simply had to stop having them

My friends son is the only black boyfriend in the school he had not been invited to one yet he is in year 4

Peace425 Just keep the invites to 15 it’s half the class throw in some cousins and then you do t like a mean twant

With the whole single-sex part thing, it's probably different at different schools. At our school, the girls only play with girls and the mothers with girls tend to stick together and vice versa. So therefore, it's quite noticeable if there are a couple of girls left out. Parties with mixed boys and girls (other than class parties in Reception) don't seem to happen.
Other year groups may be different - it's just how our year group has worked out.

Now you see I hate all this same sex stuff. My older girls rarely play with the girls so never get invited to girl parties and the boys parents never seem to invite them either.
I prefer selecting special friends. Or whole class if possible.

I’m really upset at some of the responses on here. Having a small child with special needs is difficult on so many levels, the thought that my baby won’t get invited to parties when at school has just broken me. I can’t believe there are people who can be that cruel to small children. Awful

Two things that stick out for me in your op -

1. That some of the kids who are excluded aren't well behaved. This could be the reason, unfortunately some may have SEN which explains why they're not well behaved but when it is your kid's party you'll put their enjoyment first. If that means not inviting someone who might spoil it then that may be what happens.

1. Just because people look wealthy and have big homes etc doesn't mean they want to splash out loads on a big party. We look comfortably off from the outside but don't see spending hundreds on a kids party as a good use of money. We'll do the whole class party this year (preschool) and reception but as soon as it is acceptable to only invite a handful of kids we will.

I do have a rule that it is my dc must invite anyone who's party they attend so I guess if you want to be invited to lots of parties then you have to continue with the whole class parties.

I have never heard of anyone having a whole class party at my kids primary school. A handful of friends is absolutely normal to me.

Ds is 8 and has HFA. He struggles with behaviour at school sometimes due to the sensory and social demands but is profoundly gifted and hilarious. He's only ever been invited to 1 whole class party and the game ended up being 'let's all run away from Ds' which he thought was hilarious as he didn't understand and then at the party tea table another child declared he was disgusting and that no one wanted to sit next to him.

I'm not really surprised he's not invited to any parties as he has no friends, has never been invited to play by anyone in his life and has never had anyone express any desire to be in his company. We did whole class parties for 4years on the trot and everyone came and enjoyed themselves but never had a single reciprocal invite. We've stopped now as it seems a farce to invite children in his class that obviously dislike him. Ds doesn't even get to go to his own party now. Life is shit.

Oh summer- I’m so sorry
Why can’t parents be kind 😭💔

Yes it is summer :(

Also meant to say that I completely understand why he's not invited as no one wants a volcano around. Other children have the right to a good party without him potentially ruining it. I am focusing on preparing him that just because he's always alone doesn't mean he has to be lonely. Not something I thought I'd be teaching an 8 year old!

My dcs are all pretty quiet. DS1 in particular hated being a guest at whole class parties so it would be a bit shitty of me to say he wasn't allowed a party unless it was of the type he would hate. Besides his best friend through primary is autistic and wouldn't have come if there had been 30 people plus siblings playing noisy games in a hall. He's always had parties with only 3-4 other boys.

dd1 is not as quiet and has no friends who are boys so I guess I have no excuse for just inviting the 5-6 girls she plays with instead of the 23 girls in her class apart from it just sounds awful and expensive.

ds2 - also quite quiet and not a party lover would definitely not like a whole class party but wouldn't like boys only either as apart from his best friend, who is a boy, he plays more with the girls. Maybe the girls having girl only parties is why he doesn't get a lot of invitations.

FWIW I don't think the 25ish kids I 'exclude' from my dcs parties are awful or naughty. I just don't know who the hell they are and my kids don't play with them.

I noticed my DD does not get invited to many parties, I am shy and just say passing hello to the other mums at school date so I wonder if it is my fault?

I am told by her teacher my daughter is well liked but she can also be cheeky, she had to moved in class several times last term due to chatting etc. I wonder if parents see her as the naughty child so dont invite her to the parties.

I did not care last year but now I am feeling quite offended about DD being left out.

givemesteel - I was expecting someone to say that about the money. I don't want to spend loads on parties either, that's why I've found a low-key way to have a party and be able to invite the 15 girls in the class. It will be on a budget!

The thing is, these parents ARE spending loads, even though there are less children. They are still booking bouncy castles, and entertainment staff, even for the ten or-so invited, at expensive venues and giving away loads of 'stuff' for kids to take home. I can not believe the amount of stuff they are given sometimes - at one party, a whole fancy-dress costume (one each!), things they've made, individual name-branded gifts, as well as goody bags full of stuff.

FWIW I don't think the 25ish kids I 'exclude' from my dcs parties are awful or naughty. I just don't know who the hell they are and my kids don't play with them.

If it’s that proportion (I’m assuming a standard class of 30), then you’ve included a handful. Which is fine (unless for some reason there are only 6 boys and you’ve invited 5 of them). It’s the “invite 15, leaving out only two of the boys” which people are arguing is iffy.

Its even worse here in Sweden. My DS started a new school in Feb. Class 4/5 only combined. Only 5 boys in the class. My DS invites all the boys plus friends from previous school to his birthday party in May. One of the boys stays over a weekend in June as he and my DS attended a weekend course for a joint hobby. Come mid August a new boy starts the year and one month later the boy who was invited to our party and stayed over has a party doesn't invite my son or the new boy. There are six boys in the whole year including the birthday boy. Apparently, no fall outs or animosity - just bloody rude. We have a big Halloween party every year and it will take a lot of effort for me not to be petty.

This thread is so sad.... there are the mums of SEN quietly describing the sadness of a child that totally understands is never included... and the matter of fact mum saying so what ... it’s my child’s party and they invite who they want.
School should teach about inclusiveness, kids with SEN must be included in parties. It teaches the whole class about being understanding with people that are less fortunate.... further more in my experience most of the “naughty kids” im reception are eventually diagnosed with some form of special needs)
In my sons class (30 children) there were 2 known SEN children and the unwritten/unspoken rule was that you had a party with whoever your child chose + the 2 SEN children. They went to all of the parties up to year 3, but the mums always stayed. It was a social opportunity for them too. From year 4, one of the kids moved to a special school as he detoriated but the other one got more indipendent and quiet and would be going on his own to parties /sleepover. He liked to be silly and make people laugh and was popular. Everyone accepted his quirks. He’s now at secondary school and has a group of friends with similar special needs... but parties dwindled for everybody and they go to the park or hang out instead.
Please please invite the children with SEN. They might surprise you

I can't decide whether I feel relieved that so many other parents of SEN children are saying that their children have the same experience as mine (i.e. it's not just my DS and DD) or whether I'm heart broken that so many other parents seem to think it's OK to teach their children to exclude those with disabilities and are just saying "it's normal" and "they just want to invite the children they like"

Actually it's the latter.

That's really depressing for society.

You can't force kids to be friends with others though, and SEN kids are quite unique in their own ways that NT kids just don't relate to. It's not really the parents fault either - SEN kids don't have labels so I couldn't imagine many if any parents saying "well we won't invite the SEN kid just because he is SEN".

I think if your child is struggling socially in any way with school friends, please consider approaching the teacher. Some things can be put in place to support SEN kids (even kids that aren't diagnosed but struggling) to help them socially, and also the school to promote discussion of SEN, what it means, how pupils can help each other if they see someone struggling and alone.

Urgh, and now we have the inevitable "I only do small parties of 5, and I don't call the other 25 children horrible... blah blah blah". RTFT - no one is saying that, it's the invite 25 & exclude 5 people or worse my its a class of 15, and the activity is for 14 - so I'm inviting the same 14 each year throughout KS1. As I don't know the parents of that child, or they are a bit louder etc etc etc (not a bully).

That just sucks and is a set up for the brilliant CF stories to come.., 20 years from now...:

"Am I being unreasonable to be upset for my husband, he is a quiet man, sporty and very kind, he works in a small team of 6, his colleagues Oscar & Tarquinius have organised a work weekend golfing, he is the only one not be invited........."