...to be shocked that children are being excluded from parties?

[Peace425]

My DD has just started Year 1. In Reception, all of the children had parties which involved the whole class, or just girls/boys. This year I am shocked that everyone whose had or scheduled a party (there are a lot of Autumn/Winter babies) is picking out a handful of children to attend, and the same children are being excluded time and again.

I understand that parties can be expensive, but this is not to do with money. We live in a very affluent area and the parties tend to be a little extravagant. I am in a minority, living in a small three-bed semi; most of the families are very wealthy with massive homes.

There are a handful of children who seem to be being left out - some whose mothers do not know the other Mums as their children went to different pre-schools, but also some who have the reputation of being quite naughty.

I am inviting all of the girls to my DDs party, because it feels quite 'high school' to cherry pick. My DD did not want to invite certain girls, but I've told her she has to, because 'how would you feel if you were left out?'. Luckily, she seems to be quite popular, so has been invited to almost all of them.

If you don't want to spend much, you just have to be a bit more creative about the type of party you pick. I've hired a slightly tired
village hall that is cheap and will be doing my own games and crafts.

Or go really small - 3 or 4 friends - rather than a middle number that leaves out three or so girls (there are 15 girls in the class).

Some mums who I thought were really nice and fair, have surprised me with their attitudes to be honest. Is this now the norm??

You invite the kids your child plays with - simple

If you are inviting less than half there isn't an issue. The issue is when the majority are invited and the minority left out with no real reason.
No one wants to invite someone who hurts their child, although there may be other reasons behind what they are doing.
I think the point here is that inviting say 25 kids from a class of 30 and leaving 5 out, when there is no big reason to do so is hard on the Children left out.
As for party costs until this year it has been whole school parties for dd1 with around 30. All homemade food simple prizes lots of fun and games. Not too expensive compared to soft play etc.

If you are inviting less than half there isn't an issue. The issue is when the majority are invited and the minority left out with no real reason.
Exactly it's hardly rocket science. Invite everyone other than 3 is clearly excluding 3 children. Inviting 10 pepple your child is close friends with isn't singling people out

Surely it depends on the type of party? My son is in yr 1 and trying to decide what to do - ive offered him 2 choices - bouncy castle in a hall and invite whole class, or soft play but he can only invite a small selection - if I’m paying her head I’m not inviting all 30 kids, I simply can’t afford to

Basically the party rules are, OP:

• Invite the whole class, don't leave a single child out

OR

• Invite a few classmates only

That's it. It's NOT wrong to only invite a few friends. Do you invite every acquaintance and all colleagues to your parties? I suspect not.

What is wrong is inviting the whole class apart from one or two children.

Are you child led when your child gets an invite to a party of a child who has SN and they don't want to go because X,y,z

I have insisted my child go to 2 parties where she did not like the other child, but I knew that many would say no for exactly the reasons you mentioned.

That is different, and I actively encouraged her to go.
Just as at school I actively encourage her to play with everyone, and actively encourage play dates with all kids, regardless of whatever. I try and model acceptance and inclusivity, and encourage it in my kids. But It is a bit much saying she can't have her closest friends to her birthday party Oh yes those 6 kids = friendship group + one other they none of them are close to. Just how is that going to work on the day?

There are a couple of kids I'd dearly liked to have excluded when we had whole class parties, but we didn't. One that seemed really shy and not to be enjoying himself and didn't join in however much you encouraged him. Of course his mum dropped and ran, poor little thing. Another couple of lads who were naughty and disruptive. Their parents didn't stay either, funnily enough.

Steppemum, this actually worked really well for my daughter and her friends. On her eighth birthday party she wanted a small do in our house. She invited 3 girls from her class and 2 from the other class in her year. There was a new girl that my daughter said was really shy and didn't play much with the other children so I suggested inviting her too. She came and it helped to really break the ice between them all. She is now part of their main group and is someone my daughter would regard as a close school friend. I'm not sure why you think this is such a bad idea.

I reciprocate play dates but not party invitations.

Not all party invitations are a request for my child's presence. If this thread is to be believed, it's an invite out of obligation rather than birthday child wanting my child's company. Those sorts of parties tend to be so big that if the birthday child and mine weren't friends before, attendance at that party wouldn't change that. They still would be unlikely to play together at school as birthday child and mine end up playing with their usual friends rather than each other.

It would end up being a pretty crap party if birthday child invited their 5 best friends and a child who was invited out of reciprocity. The child will know it's an obligation invite.

Party rules:
All kids and not exclude one or two
or
Small group.

The only problem with that is when kids get older the party tends to be small group, and I'm guessing SEN kids will still get left out. Unless they are actively invited, which is well intentioned, but is only going to work if the school also actively include during playtimes and model the behaviour expected otherwise the risk is the SEN kid feels like a bit part at the party because there is no genuine friendship.

@sozzler so you do exclude kids and only ask children your daughter regards as friends? You just happen to invite an extra child who you feel is left out. So you’re actually no different to the rest of us arguing that our children should invite whoever they wish 🙄. I’d do exactly the same as you and invite the quieter child. I genuinely think we’re all arguing the same point

I agree with the whole class or a few children. DS4 has been only been invited to his best friends party. He is in Y3 now. His friend and he do have a few problems socially. Neither are naughty children but are easily led and the other kids have used this to get them in trouble. At the friends party, whole class invited, 7 turned up and when DS4 invited the whole class on his BFF and 2 others turned up 😢. This year DS4, his BFF and 1 other child are coming out with us for a birthday day out 😊.

Birthday parties in the UK really confuse me. My kids go to 5-8 parties a year, there are 8-10 kids at each of them. The birthday child invites their friends, and that’s pretty much it. Whole class / all the girls / all the boys parties are unheard of. Why would you invite children that aren’t actually friends with your child? I don’t get it.

@strongmummy I've never said that parents should feel obliged to hold whole class parties. This just isn't affordable or practical for a lot of people. What I have said is that it is very unfair to exclude a minority and that parents should try and be a bit more mindful about who might be being repeatedly left out of things like parties or play.

Now my daughter is older she has small gatherings rather than big parties. However, I only allow her to invite a very small minority from her year and I make an effort to find out if there is anyone, for any reason, being left out in her class. If there is then I encourage her to invite that person/people. Last year there was but this year there wasn't.

@sozzler I completely agree with your approach

It’s the norm for children to invite their friends.

@strongmummy. Thank you, I think you are right that a lot of people are arguing the same point. There seems to be a strong consensus that excluding a minority is mean and unfair. However, there have been quite a few insensitive remarks along the lines of 'its normal to be excluded' , 'it's part of life' and 'why should my child invite people they are not friendly with/don't like' etc. which have quite understandably upset those whose children repeatedly experience exclusion. Generally, I think this is what has caused the most disagreement on here.

Yep y1 girls only parties were a thing last year in my DD’s class. It’s a heavily weighted girls class - something like 17 girls and 4 boys. Around half the girls were invited to a ‘pamper party’. This actually shocked me. My DD was invited as she seems to be popular (opposite to big sister so can see both sides) and she did enjoy them. It took me a while to get over the fact that my 5 year old was being dropped at a salon to celebrate classmates turning 6. She had to be dropped as there wasn’t space for parents to stay. This was also odd too as eldest hasn’t actually been dropped off yet - also hasn’t been to many parties either! Youngest enjoyed the parties after crying for me to to stay and me sloping off for coffee with the other selected parents. I thought it was a 1 off but they kept coming.

We’ve just invited everyone to our party. Ds has Sen and so do some of his friends and my family members. I was the child left out a lot as a child and I refuse to do it to another child. He’s so excited to have a party and lots of the kids are excited to come and that makes me happy.

Next year though I’ll probably only do ten or so as I’ll do sibling groups and families we are close to.

I also agree with the consensus that it’s whole class or a small select group and that leaving out a minority of children due to their behaviour or the party child not liking them is just cruel.

Our school also has a policy of teachers only handing out invites if they are for the whole class. Those select party invites have to be given out by the child/parent on the yard. No idea what happens if the child is in wrap around every day though!

I get more worried and upset though for my August children who invite the whole class and 6 then up!! It was a shock the first year but I’ve used it to my advantage as I prefer a party for about 10 due to budget - seems to be the minimum at many venues - so inviting the whole class to soft play on the 25th August means we usually get rhe minimum without having to pick and choose. My youngest never knows who to choose. She as 2 best best friends but is also very friendly with most of the class and finds the choosing hard. My older one has got the age where she can and will choose. After being not invited to all of the ‘popular’ girls party last year, one of them actually challenged her and called her mean for not inviting her!! My DD nearly caved in and was going to invite her until I explained the situation clearly. My DD is undiagnosed but has a lot of ASD traits and until recently couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t be her friend. She did see that some children willl play with her and others won’t but she didn’t see this as them not being her friend. I’ve seen girls be mean to her on the yard and I’ve bit my lip and ignited as she’s not even noticed.

There are several kids in both classes that never host parties. No one ever complains and those kids don’t get excluded from whole class parties or from the smaller ones if they are part of the friendship group. Some kids get invited and never taken to parties - I’ve noticed a few in both classes who just never turn up.

What bugs me more is the lack of RSVPs!! You never really know who will come until the day. But I bet that’s a whole other thread.

I'd say it would be impossible to invite everyone tbh. There are 55 children in each of my children's years. They are split into 2 classes a year, but they mix the classes up during the day and play together during the break. DD plays with both boys and girls so can't split it that way. If I invited them all, with an adult (some people come as a couple and some bring a sibling), even to our local hall (which I've done) it would end up bigger than my wedding which went over the 100 mark. It's unreasonable to expect to be invited to all of them, and tbh a relief to sometimes have a free weekend. I'm afraid I'm one if those parents who sits down with DD and asks her who she wants there. She knows it's impossible to have all the class. To give you an example of a local hall, i was told it contraveined h&s to have more than 50 in there. I hate not being able to, but it is what it is.

Of course not being invited to every party is normal. And of course it seems reasonable on the surface to just invite a few close friends. But it's less reasonable, or at least less kind and inclusive, if the same children are missed out time and time again.

My dd (now Y7) has hfa and was not invited to any 'small group' party in her entire time at primary school. Luckily two parents per year did 'whole class' parties, so at least she had those. Is it the hfa? (She's not badly behaved and would not ruin a party, just isn't on the same wavelength so isn't anyone's 'best friend') Is it the fact that I don't go out drinking with the other mums? Who knows? But I do know that she no longer expects it, even from people that she would have counted in her 'top 2 or 3 friends'. It makes me sad for her. She is so kind, and does not deserve it.

santa I’m still waiting to hear the other side of my story...

I'm always surprised at these threads - you don't have an obligation to invite anyone it's a party. You invite whoever your child wants