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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider leaving DH over SiL Wedding?

180 replies

FlashingMe · 18/09/2018 13:49

Name change but cutted up pear, bollards etc.

SIL is due to be married next week abroad, very small wedding. We do not get on. She is toxic and selfish. There is never any contact between us and i keep her away from my DC’s. Her and DH aren’t particularly close either they can go months without talking.

Anyway we agreed I wouldn’t attend and since its term time neither would the DC’s. Before this was all confirmed PIL booked DH on a flight and his hotel, as a single traveller.

Me and DH have had several arguments over this as I would never say he couldn’t attend but I felt out of respect for the way she treats his family he wouldn’t go.

Its getting closer and i can feel the resentment building, i would never go to a family event without him and i get that he only has 1 sister and wants to be there but AIBU? I hate the fact he’s going and nobody has bothered to think how me or the DC are going to feel.

OP posts:
EK36 · 18/09/2018 16:40

I dont think that you're being very fair to your husband. He is going alone to his sister's wedding because you don't get on with her and are keeping the children at home. You said at first that this was okay but now you think he shouldn't go, to show solidarity? You think he deserves a divorce for going to his sister's wedding?! You're crazy!

BusyMum47 · 18/09/2018 16:51

So you're pissed off that you've not been included in a wedding that you don't want to go to anyway??!! She's his sister at the end of the day- he no doubt feels obliged to go - maybe more for his parents sake? I Don't see why he can't go without it causing a huge drama.

EvaHarknessRose · 18/09/2018 16:52

If he has not yet gone non contact with her, of course he should go (a wedding would be within ‘low contact’). It sounds like the only thing that has changed since plans being made is your resentment growing, so you may be being unreasonable.

Ywnbu to leave him for not going non contact if it is a dealbreaker for you, but pinning it on the wedding makes you look bad.

Italiangreyhound · 18/09/2018 16:54

FlashingMe do you want to go to the wedding? If so tell your dh and book a place for you and the kids.

But i think you do not want to go. So leave things as they are.

Let you dh go to the wedding without you.

Then work on getting your marriage back on track. Or divorce him if that is what you want to do. But please do not divorce him because he did not try to talk you into something you said you did not want to do!

Your husband is doubtless horrified by his sister's behaviour but he has a relationship with her that you don't share, they have a family history and shared parents. Both my parents are now dead and I can honestly say if I had been maintaining sibling relationships for the sake of my parents I'd not continue. Luckily I get on with my sister so no issues!

Life is short, you and your dh have children together and early lost one.

Your SIL sounds like a prize selfish bitch, but if you allow her to be the catalyst that breaks up your marriage you may live to regret it.

I'd focus on your marriage as a whole and not this one family event.

Thanks
Italiangreyhound · 18/09/2018 16:55

and nearly lost one.

Atlantea · 18/09/2018 16:56

I think whats pushing me is DH’s behaviour. Hes not once tried to talk me round or say how much it would mean to him to have us all there. Plus PIL booked it all without making sure me and the DC’s werent going and he didnt question it with them.

But you don't want to go, you don't want your dc to go, surely this is just him knowing this is the best result all round

Josico58 · 18/09/2018 16:56

In my opinion, you are being unreasonable and its also putting your DH in an awkward position. People at the wedding will be asking why you and DC aren't there, and it's not a good look to be honest, it makes you look to be quite bitter.

If I were you I would attend with children, if not then at least let him and don't give him a hard time over it.

MadameButterface · 18/09/2018 17:11

were you secretly hoping that he wouldn't go and she'd pull the same shit she did about her birthday except x1000 because WEDDING and you'd all be NC with her properly and forever?

yab very u

she might be a nobhead, you might be a nobhead, he might be a nobhead and his parents might be nobheads. no one knows for sure. but think of your own children and how much you love them, and how you'd feel if they were all grown up and one of them was refusing to attend the other one's wedding and there was about to be a holy war about it all. you'd hate that right? it will mean the world to his parents if he goes. just be nice.

Leavesorange · 18/09/2018 17:19

think of your own children and how much you love them, and how you'd feel if they were all grown up and one of them was refusing to attend the other one's wedding and there was about to be a holy war about it all. you'd hate that right

☝️

WinnieFosterTether · 18/09/2018 17:20

You're being very passive-aggressive. You told him he could go but now you're holding it against him. You didn't want to go but now you're complaining about feeling left out.
It's wildly disproportionate to even consider ending a marriage over this. It sounds like you're trying to emotionally blackmail him into isolating himself from his family (because this could cause a rift between him and his parents, as well as his DSIS). I think you need to really consider your motivations. You're being very controlling and treating this like a competition for your DH's time and affection.

Cuttingthegrass · 18/09/2018 17:23

And, the OP has disappeared

Definitely BU. Poor bloke I feel sorry for him ... damned if he does and damned if he doesn't

fieryginger · 18/09/2018 17:26

Looking from your pil point of view, you hate their daughter, have banned Dgc from family life with them and now want to stop their DS attending their DDs wedding. Put yourself in their shoes.

I think DH should be "allowed" to go to his family's wedding. It is a shame you aren't all going though. Life is too short.

OliviaStabler · 18/09/2018 17:30

Of course the Pil's didn't book your travel etc, they know you hate her. By the same token of course your dh isn't going to persuade you to go to the wedding of someone you hate and you are likely the last person the bride wants to see on the day.

YABU

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 18/09/2018 17:34

If there's bad blood between SiL and you then it's perfectly reasonable that DH wants to go alone get the whole thing over with with the minimum amount of fuss. Why would he try to persuade you to go - you going sounds like a terrible idea.

Ambs81 · 18/09/2018 17:38

I went through something similar earlier this year (and posted on MN about it)
Long and complicated story....but short version is we agreed me and our DS wouldn't attend, but my husband would go solo.
Although this was agreed we were arguing constantly about it and it was cuasing issues in our marriage, which was p**sing me off even more!
Eventually a friend (and a few hundred mumsnet comments) talked me into going...and you know what, it wasn't really that bad. You will barely see SIL.
I bought a new dress, got my make up done and drank a lot of gin - there were some cringey moments, we don't get on and I am rubbish at being fake BUT i got through it and was a good wedding guest.
She may not of appreciated it, but i know my in laws and husband did.

Don't let a pain in the arse in-law impact your marriage.

Beeziekn33ze · 18/09/2018 17:43

I'm confused that the OP says it's a 'small wedding' yet a few hours later she is missing out on a 'huge family event'.

Ilovewheelychairs · 18/09/2018 17:44

This is basically the exact situation we were in last year. DH's SIL can't stand me. She's consistently treated me horribly but insists it's me who's the problem (even though I get on with EVERYBODY else in the family and with family friends, nobody else can see her issue with me). My DH and I got married abroad last year; v small wedding. The OP is basically what she'd write about me. Except that she followed through and refused to let BIL come to either the wedding abroad or the reception back in the UK. That decision on her part has destroyed the family. My DH will no longer speak to his brother as he's so upset he wouldn't come on his own, even to part of it. My PIL will never forgive him for not coming to his own brothers wedding. Other members of the wider family have written to or rung SIL and BIL and berated that decision because of how upsetting it would be for everybody. SIL has a problem with ME (fair enough, I get that not everyone in the world likes everybody else) but she is forcing that opinion onto her husband and her children. It has broken the relationships between BIL and his parents as well as between BIL and DH.

Think carefully about the wider ramifications of not 'allowing' your DH to attend his own sisters wedding, particularly if you value any relationship between yourselves, your children and your PIL. This is not a decision you can reverse.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 18/09/2018 18:00

Yabu for all the reasons previous posters stated

CoughLaughFart · 18/09/2018 18:03

You don’t seem very clear what you actually want to happen here. You wouldn’t tell your husband he can’t go, yet your furious that he is going. You don’t want to go, but because he isn’t trying to persuade you to go, that’s wrong too. You call your sister-in-law toxic and actively keep her away from your children, yet your in-laws should have checked if said children were coming to the wedding of the woman you specifically keep them away from. What would have been the good outcome here for you?

You’re also ignoring one very obvious possibility here - your sister-in-law doesn’t want you there. She quite possibly issued an invitation out of politeness, or at least to pacify her parents, knowing you were highly likely to say no. Maybe not a particularly honest thing to do, but it would make sense that your partner isn’t desperately trying to talk you into it.

CoughLaughFart · 18/09/2018 18:04

Gah - you’re furious.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 18/09/2018 18:07

YABVVVU

MustShowDH · 18/09/2018 18:21

Can you imagine:

My wife is threatening to divorce me for going to my sisters wedding.

Of course YABU!!!

Gillian1980 · 18/09/2018 18:28

Yabu.
You are essentially emotionally blackmailing him.
He is respecting your view by not pushing you to go when he knows your views on his sister.
You are not respecting his views of wanting to attend his sisters wedding.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 18/09/2018 19:01

What outcome do you want, OP? And why?

Let's say your SIL really is a horror and your story about the birthday party is completely true with no missing details or nuances. Ok, she's a cow. But you can't snub a sibling' s wedding when you've been invited without causing a huge family rift. Is that what you want? And if so, why?

You hate her and wouldn't go to the wedding anyway so why do you care that you've not been invited? What outcome would you want from being invited? Why?

You'd never say he couldn't attend but you'd punish him for attending? What outcome do you want? Why?

If the outcome you truly want is as much family peace as possible with as little harm as possible, you'd just let him go. What's to be gained from any other course of action? Your relationship with her is already unsalvageable so why not just let it ride as smoothly as possible?

Lichtie · 18/09/2018 19:15

I'm curious to see what the grounds for divorce would be. Unreasonable behaviour or desertion 😂