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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider leaving DH over SiL Wedding?

180 replies

FlashingMe · 18/09/2018 13:49

Name change but cutted up pear, bollards etc.

SIL is due to be married next week abroad, very small wedding. We do not get on. She is toxic and selfish. There is never any contact between us and i keep her away from my DC’s. Her and DH aren’t particularly close either they can go months without talking.

Anyway we agreed I wouldn’t attend and since its term time neither would the DC’s. Before this was all confirmed PIL booked DH on a flight and his hotel, as a single traveller.

Me and DH have had several arguments over this as I would never say he couldn’t attend but I felt out of respect for the way she treats his family he wouldn’t go.

Its getting closer and i can feel the resentment building, i would never go to a family event without him and i get that he only has 1 sister and wants to be there but AIBU? I hate the fact he’s going and nobody has bothered to think how me or the DC are going to feel.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 18/09/2018 14:26

What is your objection here? No one is suggesting you go. They seem resigned to fact kids are not going. This makes no sense to me.

Cath2907 · 18/09/2018 14:27

You said you didn't want to go to a wedding of a person you are NC with and therefore you weren't invited and now you are moaning you aren't invited??? WTF? You sound a bit nuts!

Beetlegum · 18/09/2018 14:27

What? You agreed you wouldn’t go and neither would your DC. Now you’re cross and considering leaving DH because he didn’t try to persuade you to go? When you’d agreed not to, and you hate SIL anyway. SIL might well be toxic for all we know, but I suspect she’s not the only one. I feel sorry for your DH.

Snowymountainsalways · 18/09/2018 14:28

Okay so she is a nightmare, we all have at least one in the family.
Your dh probably wants to avoid a scene at the wedding so hasn't pushed you into going. Maybe he is right to feel that way? Maybe he is wrong?

Would you go to support him and make it special, or at the very least not be cross about his attendance.

If you have had a rough year maybe nows the time to do something different.

titchy · 18/09/2018 14:28

So your dh is doing the absolute perfect thing, going, but respecting your feelings as an adult who has made their mind up, by not trying to persuade you or the dc's to go. And you want to leave him? Christ on a bike how do treat him when he does something wrong?!!!!

TurtleCove · 18/09/2018 14:29

If you think she's toxic, why would you want an invite? It's not DH fault PIL didn't confirm anything with you.
Just let DH go to his sister's wedding and forget about it.

7salmonswimming · 18/09/2018 14:29

From your two posts, it sounds like you’re not easy either. You’re wanting your DH to choose between you and your SIL and he has. He knows and his parents know you don’t get along with the SIL and have children at school, and they’ve accepted you will be staying at home. What more do you want?

You’re being completely unreasonable. You sound difficult, demanding, impossible to please.

Original poster
FlashingMe · 18/09/2018 14:29

I didnt want to drip feed or put certain informaion out there that woukd identify me, but i can see without it your all going to think im controlling which i most certainly am not.

When DS was 4 he contracted sepsis, we almost lost him. When he was in ICU she threw a hissy fit because DH wouldnt go to her birthday meal and didnt speak to him for 6 months. Add 20 years of behaviour like that and you will briefly understand of the crap she pulls.

And yes i think he shouldnt go. I wouldnt let my sister treat my DH like that, i dont care if she doesnt like him but at least be civil for me as I’ve tried with SIL but it always gets thrown back at me

OP posts:
Leavesorange · 18/09/2018 14:30

Of course he should go to his sister's wedding. Honestly! silly woman (eye roll)

Nicknacky · 18/09/2018 14:30

So why didn’t you tell him how you felt when the wedding plans were made?

Notacluewhatthisis · 18/09/2018 14:30

So you don't like her. You don't want to go. Don't want her near your kids, so won't let your children go.

But are pissy and considering divorce because no one has pandered to you and tried to convince you to go.

I don't have the best relationship with dbro. Dp wouldn't refuse to go and split with me because I wanted to go and hadn't put in enough effort to convince him to go.

Not would my parents be worrying about wether he was going or not, if he refused to have anything to do with my brother.

Get over yourself. I can imagine the issue in the relationship between you and your sil, is you.

Nothisispatrick · 18/09/2018 14:30

So basically you’ve no intention of going but want your husband to beg you to come as he’ll find it just unbearable without you? For fuck sake, AIBU is mental today!

Nicknacky · 18/09/2018 14:31

And I think if you are worried about being identified then it’s too late for that.

Hadalifeonce · 18/09/2018 14:32

My DH & I really dislike his sister, we would rather not go to any events at which she is present. BUT we do because we know how much his parents would be upset if they knew the real situation. Perhaps your DH is of a similar view?

Agentornika · 18/09/2018 14:32

So you didn't want to go anyway but you're annoyed he's going without you?

Merrz · 18/09/2018 14:32

You're coming across very childish and selfish tbh OP, you don't like SIL or want to go to her wedding but you're annoyed that your DH and his family aren't trying to make you go?? Confused So because they aren't making it about you, you're now throwing your dummy out the pram and don't want DH to go either

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/09/2018 14:34

Your SIL is an arse, by the sound of it, but your DH is still her brother and he probably doesn't want to upset his parents.
No one has tried to talk you into going as a family because it's bloody obvious that you would say No.
You've kept your DC away from her, so they don't even know her - she's not "family" to them and she probably feels the same way.

You're turning this into something it's not - whether that's to give you an excuse to leave your husband or not, I don't know, but don't do that. This should not be the hill that your relationship dies on - do it honestly about the things that are REALLY bugging you, not this.

Janus · 18/09/2018 14:35

Sorry but I too think you are being unreasonable.
You two obviously don’t get on if you don’t see her and she’s not involved with your children. So why would your husband’s parents ever think to buy you a ticket too? Why would they want that drama at their daughter’s wedding?
Then you go on to say your husband hasn’t tried to talk you around. Seeing as it’s obvious you don’t get on why would he try and persuade you to go to something you obviously don’t want to go to and ruin his sisters day if you did turn up?
Think you have to accept you and sister in law are never going to get on, that’s happens, but you should let your husband have a relationship with her, shouldn’t you?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 18/09/2018 14:36

Notwithstanding the back story, I'm afraid I think YABU. It really isn't about you.

Postino · 18/09/2018 14:37

YANBU he's putting his nasty family before the family he made with you. He doesn't sound kind or respectful to you.

Sounds like you could write a book on SIL's selfishness. I'm not surprised you're hurt and reconsidering your future with him. I wouldn't go, in his shoes

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 18/09/2018 14:38

I'm sure she's a horror.
If you're saying this is the straw that breaks the camel's back after years of relentless abuse and unkindness towards you, then that is different to saying he's going to a wedding without you and you feel hurt he didn't cajole you.
FWIW is he a good kind man who loves you and you love back? if no, then maybe leave him. Otherwise accept his family are not part of your life but they may need to still be part of his.

1Wanda1 · 18/09/2018 14:38

Maybe AIBU to consider leaving him, its been a hard year for our relationship, i would probably have been better asking if anyone else felt it was a bit shit to be deliberately left out of a huge family event.

But you haven't been "left out": you said in your OP that you and DH agreed you wouldn't attend, because you don't like SIL.

YABU to expect your DH to miss his sister's wedding just because you don't get on with her and he's not particularly close with her. Family is family.

MissusGeneHunt · 18/09/2018 14:38

So she's a shitbag. Clearly her behaviour re your DCs hospitalisation has shown that. But this is your DH's sister, his family, his 'obligation'. I would imagine he wants to make his parents happy at least.

So he should go. I was going to say 'let' him go, but that implies he needs your permission. Discuss it calmly, say how you feel, but don't control his actions or emotionally blackmail him. It always (rightly) backfires. He's stuck twixt a rock and a hard place. Poor bloke.

RickOShay · 18/09/2018 14:39

Perhaps your dh isn’t going for her.
He’s going for him, because that’s the right thing to do, regardless of her behaviour.
You can’t let other people’s behaviour stop you from being the person you are.

MoniBitchell · 18/09/2018 14:41

you're pissed off that you've been 'left out' of a wedding you were invited to but didn't want to go to? WHAT??

It sounds like his parents knew you wouldn't want to go and they were right!

It's his sister's wedding, of course he should show his face Hmm

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