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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider leaving DH over SiL Wedding?

180 replies

FlashingMe · 18/09/2018 13:49

Name change but cutted up pear, bollards etc.

SIL is due to be married next week abroad, very small wedding. We do not get on. She is toxic and selfish. There is never any contact between us and i keep her away from my DC’s. Her and DH aren’t particularly close either they can go months without talking.

Anyway we agreed I wouldn’t attend and since its term time neither would the DC’s. Before this was all confirmed PIL booked DH on a flight and his hotel, as a single traveller.

Me and DH have had several arguments over this as I would never say he couldn’t attend but I felt out of respect for the way she treats his family he wouldn’t go.

Its getting closer and i can feel the resentment building, i would never go to a family event without him and i get that he only has 1 sister and wants to be there but AIBU? I hate the fact he’s going and nobody has bothered to think how me or the DC are going to feel.

OP posts:
montenuit · 18/09/2018 15:02

It's not just about your dh being at his sister's wedding. he will also see other relatives etc, his parents clearly want him there.
Be grateful you're not all being press-ganged into going.

YABVU

Notacluewhatthisis · 18/09/2018 15:05

PretendIWasNeverHere

Why do you assume that? I couldn't stand my sil when I was married. She tried to get dh to dump me and tried to get him to change his will to leave OUR house to her if he died.

I still wouldn't dictate anything to him. If h4 did something because she told him to, th4 he was the twat. I certainly wouldn't have had a strop because he didn't try and convince me to go to something I didn't want to go to.

Some of us have been in similar positions. But we don't all react like spoilt children

Tara336 · 18/09/2018 15:05

@FlashingMe I can completely symphathise with you. My Sil was awful to me from the day we met. When your DP warns you that she’s a bit of a bitch then you know your in for a rough ride. I put up with years of her bullying to the point I would physically shake before I entered the room if I knew she was there. I’m the end I just cut all contact and it was wonderful! Possibly was difficult for exh but maybe he should have had my back and we would have never had the issues we did. One of the final straws was when my beloved grandad died on DN birthday and I didn’t get around to sending the card and present ..

lindalee3 · 18/09/2018 15:06

@thinkingallowed85

YABU. She sounds terrible, but most people in RL don’t go NC with their family.

I agree that the OP is being unreasonable, but you can't possibly know this.

People who go 'no contact' with family don't shout it from the rooftops, especially if it's their parents or siblings, because they feel embarrassed and ashamed, and like they are a failure. It's particularly bad when they see other people who are close to their siblings and parents.

No-one is going to share the fact that they have gone no contact with close-kin family. That's why you see a myriad of threads and posts on online forums, but rarely hear people talk about it in real life.

RomanyRoots · 18/09/2018 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PawneeParksDept · 18/09/2018 15:07

This is one of those threads were I would kill for a retelling of the same scenario from all the supporting players.

YABU and slightly bonkers as others have said neither you or your DC have to go - you're upset because your PILs didn't check you were coming before booking but you HATE their DD and don't allow her around the DGC so they did right to take it as read. You don't WANT to go and never did

You are looking to find fault and something to be upset about

You told your DH you didn't object to him going which was a lie and now you are punishing him for not being a mind reader

Have you ever thought about your PILs in all this and how people would comment if their son wasn't at their daughters wedding

YABVU - you may well think she's a shitbag and she may well be, but in this specific scenario the only one being an arsehole is you

SassitudeandSparkle · 18/09/2018 15:08

So you were invited OP, but because you don't get on with the bride (and don't want your children anywhere near her anyway, despite it being term-time) you refused to go? But you want your DH to make a big thing out of standing by you and the children rather than her. I can see why you would want him to make a stand but the way you are going about it is quite manipulative.

Make your decision on the future of your marriage based on what is happening between the two of you, not his siblings.

Logits · 18/09/2018 15:10

You're being childish and ridiculous. If my DH tried to emotionally blackmail me in this way I'd be contemplating leaving him.

Notacluewhatthisis · 18/09/2018 15:12

This is one of those threads were I would kill for a retelling of the same scenario from all the supporting players.

Me too!

SlimDogMillionaire · 18/09/2018 15:12

Yes YABU. You know you are.

Havaina · 18/09/2018 15:13

@Tara336

.One of the final straws was when my beloved grandad died on DN birthday and I didn’t get around to sending the card and present ..

Tara tell me what happened I'm on tender tenterhooks!!

Why were you sending DN'a cards and not DH when she was a bully and she wasn't even your sister?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/09/2018 15:15

I'd love to hear SILs side of this sorry tale.

timeisnotaline · 18/09/2018 15:16

I would regard dh not trying to talk me around in these circs as dh being understanding of my viewpoint. Trying to talk you around says he doesn’t respect how you feel about her and thinks his wish to have his family at his sisters wedding is really more important than his wife’s feelings.

MiggledyHiggins · 18/09/2018 15:18

You are basically miffed that nobody is running around begging you to go to the wedding, which you had no intention of going to anyway.

It's her wedding. She no doubt holds a similar poor view of you so why should she beg you to attend when she knows you hate her and she appears to at the very least, dislike you?

He did what you agreed you both would do - go by himself. Now you are moving the goalposts and want to stir shit by forcing him to choose between his Dsis and his marriage a week before the trip.

YABVVU.
If you do this now, there will be only one person who comes out of it looking like a bitch, and it won't be the bride.

CoolCarrie · 18/09/2018 15:19

So you don’t want to go, you don’t want your dc to go, in laws know this so paid for your dh, their son, to go, and you are pissed off that he wants to go, maybe not for his sister, but for his parents sake. Ffs you need to grow up

myrtleWilson · 18/09/2018 15:24

So you want to have everyone running round begging you to go, saying how important it would be to have you there - just so you can do a flouncy "NO! and I'm distraught that you could even consider leaving me alone for this wedding DH" rather than having a sensible mature agreement that you don't get on with SIL, DH doesn't have much of a relationship with her but wants to attend out of familial duty? hope to rebuild a better relationship? to support his parents?

OverTheHedgeSammy · 18/09/2018 15:27

I think you have to work out what you want before anyone can decide whether you're being unreasonable or not.

You don't want to have anything to do with her. You want to allow your DH to go. But you want your DH to persuade you to go, and to take your DC. You also want your in-laws to double check that you and your DC were/weren't going. But you don't actually want your DH to go. And you're upset because nobody has given a thought to how you feel about him going?

In the nicest possible way, not everything is about you. You need to stop making this about you.

MirriVan · 18/09/2018 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarnabyBungle · 18/09/2018 15:31

your all going to think im controlling which i most certainly am not.

Based on what you’ve written, you most certainly ARE controlling..... and utterly self-deluded not to see it.

3luckystars · 18/09/2018 15:35

You are angry at the wrong person.

Keep focused. It’s not your husbands fault AT ALL the way his sister behaves. A family wedding is equal to a family funeral, obligation wise. Your husband feels he has to go and you will not go.
Stop being mad at him, you are missing the real target.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/09/2018 15:39

Yes YABU OP. Really, really unreasonable.

feemcgee · 18/09/2018 15:42

When my cousin got married, my dad and step mum were invited, which was great - dad and his DS had fallen out because of his affair, and I was pleased that this was a step forward. However, they didn't turn up. When I spoke to DSM, she'd told dad that she didn't feel comfortable going. It was such a shame, I felt that she had interfered with a family relationship that had been in place for much longer than she had been on the scene for.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 18/09/2018 15:44

Your poor DH

My in laws have nothing to do with me and have never met our children but I would never dictate to my husband his relationship with them.

I’m no doormat but I recognise the shitty position my DH is put in my his parents and I know it really upsets him. Why would I make his life even more difficult? Have some empathy

LilQueenie · 18/09/2018 15:45

I sort of understand this. Sil treats you both badly but he plays doormat to keep the peace. To do so he puts the needs of his family before his own family you both created. thb I would want to leave too.

choli · 18/09/2018 15:46

OP, if you are in the habit of throwing this type of attention getting strop where you expect everyone to beg you to attend a function and make the wedding all about you, then you may well be doing your husband a favor by leaving.

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