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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider leaving DH over SiL Wedding?

180 replies

FlashingMe · 18/09/2018 13:49

Name change but cutted up pear, bollards etc.

SIL is due to be married next week abroad, very small wedding. We do not get on. She is toxic and selfish. There is never any contact between us and i keep her away from my DC’s. Her and DH aren’t particularly close either they can go months without talking.

Anyway we agreed I wouldn’t attend and since its term time neither would the DC’s. Before this was all confirmed PIL booked DH on a flight and his hotel, as a single traveller.

Me and DH have had several arguments over this as I would never say he couldn’t attend but I felt out of respect for the way she treats his family he wouldn’t go.

Its getting closer and i can feel the resentment building, i would never go to a family event without him and i get that he only has 1 sister and wants to be there but AIBU? I hate the fact he’s going and nobody has bothered to think how me or the DC are going to feel.

OP posts:
BumbleeBeeMe · 18/09/2018 14:42

You're be in dramatic.
It's his sister's wedding, he could regret not going. She also probably doesn't want you there seen as you don't get along. He doesn't want to try and convince you to go because he knows that?
Let him go.

Twotailed · 18/09/2018 14:42

She clearly is a dick but I still think YABU. You’re moving the goalposts, going back on previous agreements and expecting your DH to read your mind instead of telling him how you feel.

It doesn’t hurt you for him to go. But it hurts many people, including your PIL, if he doesn’t. Rather than put him in an impossible position, support him in rhis - I doubt he is happy about going.

Butterymuffin · 18/09/2018 14:42

Hes not once tried to talk me round or say how much it would mean to him to have us all there

This is bonkers. You don't like the woman, you presumably don't want to celebrate anything with her, and your kids are in school anyway. It's a win win that no one is nagging you to go!

As for your DH going alone, this seems increasingly common now with expensive destination weddings rather than a whole family paying a fortune. I doubt anyone thinks anything of it.

Bluelady · 18/09/2018 14:43

Dear God, are people really this unreasonable? Your husband deserves a medal for 20 years of this, OP.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/09/2018 14:44

You have no business attending this wedding, OP. Have the grace to realise that. You do not like her, consider her toxic and yet you expect to be 'talked round'. SIL and your husband's family are probably secretly very relieved.

As for leaving your husband if he attends the wedding without you? I don't think you'd be much of a loss if you behave like this, sorry.

MQv2 · 18/09/2018 14:45

"Anyway we agreed I wouldn’t attend and since its term time neither would the DC’s. Before this was all confirmed PIL booked DH on a flight and his hotel, as a single traveller.

Me and DH have had several arguments over this as I would never say he couldn’t attend but I felt out of respect for the way she treats his family he wouldn’t go."

Such a 's trick

We agreed to x but I thought he wouldn't do X and he's the bad guy for that

HermioneGoesBackHome · 18/09/2018 14:46

The issue I would have is PIL booking the tickets inky for your DH and Not you or the dcs, wo talking to you or him an everyone finding that normal.

It could mean that everyone has accepted that you and SIL aren’t getting in and therefore it felt obvious to everyone you wouldnt be there.
Or that PIL are actually also showing their dislike towards you/siding with their daughter.
The fact your DH hasn’t entioned anything to you or his parents could be because he knows what your answer will be and doesn’t think it needs checking. Or because he is siding with his dsis and ‘against’ you.

The fact the year has been hard and there has been a lot of history there will help you say if it’s one of the other.

Sweetpea55 · 18/09/2018 14:46

And what the hell has cutted up pear, bollards etc. got to do with it all? Bonkers.

Notacluewhatthisis · 18/09/2018 14:47

I would never say dh couldn't attend.

But will divorce him, if he does.

Controlling much?

Beetlegum · 18/09/2018 14:47

Your SIL threw a hissy fit and didn’t speak to DH for 6 Months. Not you are throwing a hissy fit and considering leaving DH over SIL’s wedding? Can you not see this is exactly the same sort of toxic behaviour that you accuse your SIL of? Do leave your DH - he’d probably be far happier not being stuck between the two of you. You both sound awful.

Beetlegum · 18/09/2018 14:47

Now, not Not.

Havaina · 18/09/2018 14:47

How old was she when she threw the hissy fit? An 18yo could be forgiven with time, but perhaps not a 30yo.

Look, she sounds a loon, but you didn't say in your OP that you weren't invited, you said you agreed with DH that you wouldn't go.

YANBU to continue to ignore her but YABU to begrudge the chance to attend his only sibling's wedding. How many siblings do you have, OP? Are they nice? Maybe have some pity for DH for not lucking out in the sister stakes?

Havaina · 18/09/2018 14:49

And what the hell has cutted up pear, bollards etc. got to do with it all? Bonkers

Sweetpea it's to prove OP is a regular and not a troll. I always wonder why people go for those two when there are so many classic threads.

HermioneGoesBackHome · 18/09/2018 14:49

Hes not once tried to talk me round or say how much it would mean to him to have us all there
That’s not about the wedding is it?
It’s about whatever has happened in those last few months and the fact you wanted him to show your relationship with him is important. By showing he wants to spend that time with you and the dcs. Maybe even by showing your relationship is more important to him than the one with his dsis.

Instead he is doing his own things, books his tickets and agrees to a solo trip wo talking to you about it at all.

So what’s going on in your relationhsip OP that has made this last year so hard??

Thinkingallowed85 · 18/09/2018 14:50

YABU. She sounds terrible, but most people in RL don’t go NC with their family. It’s a big thing and not something you can demand of someone else. This is her wedding. I think your DH will feel he needs to go. Putting ultimatums our there will put your DH in a horrible position. I feel for you though. YANBU to shout and vent about it to close friends/MN but let him go without drama.

LizzieSiddal · 18/09/2018 14:51

From your last post I can understand why you do t like her. She sounds horrible.

However.... you shouldn’t stop your h form going to his sisters wedding. It’s his sister and yes she sounds very selfish but that shouldn’t stop him going to her wedding. Also he may well be thinking if you go there may not be the same atmosphere as you obviously don’t like her.

lindalee3 · 18/09/2018 14:51

Agree with the majority.

Your SIL doesn't sound like the toxic, selfish one.

You do sound like you resent her. Are you jealous of her @FlashingMe ?

Twombly · 18/09/2018 14:52

Without being you and knowing what you've been through with her, and perhaps with the ILs more generally, it's not easy to judge if YABU here, but what I think is really U is that you're not talking to your DH about it, but expecting him to psychically know you'd prefer that he didn't go/want to go. I find it telling that the ILs bought a ticket just for him without really consulting, which suggests to me that he may be a bit in thrall to toxic family dynamics. So maybe you have a point, but in that case you need to understand how hard this will be for him to see and respond to healthily.

You say you would never ask him not to go, as though that particular patch of moral high ground is important to you, but the reality is that at an unspoken level, that is what you require of him, otherwise you wouldn't be in the drastic place of considering ending your marriage over this. So say so. Talk to him about SIL's behaviour, and why you think its effect on your family has been so significant you need him to take sides over it. Maybe YANBU. But at the moment you are.

KnotsInMay · 18/09/2018 14:55

She is horrible, unreasonable and probably narcissistic, to behave like that.

But you are also BVU.

So what, how she behaves. You aren't going, don't want to go and it isn't practical for you and the kids to go 9term time).

He is her sister.

It's just a couple of days.

No-one has to reduce their own moral behaviour to that of their sibling.

Shrug, be glad you aren't being pressured to go, leave him to do his family thing. People do all sorts of family things when they have stopped short of going NC.

Don't work yourself into a martyred, resentful rage.

And definitely don't leave him over it.

Good grief!

Echobelly · 18/09/2018 14:55

I think you need to separate the whole thing from your feelings. He hasn't pressurised you to go, you have a good neutral reason not to go what with the kids being at school, she's his sister, he's not slighting you by going.

CocoCharlie83 · 18/09/2018 14:55

I would never say he couldn’t attend

But you want to divorce him for going. I have a feeling that the SIL isn't the only toxic person in this situation.

iklboo · 18/09/2018 14:58

I would never say he couldn’t attend

But you're emotionally blackmailing him by saying you'll leave him if he does go.

SpeedbirdFoxtrot · 18/09/2018 15:01

He might feel as though it's more in his interests to go and keep other family members happy? If it's going to make his mum/dad/whoever feel like shit, it might be better for you to take this one on the chin.

Also, is it possible he hasn't tried to talk you round because he knows you're firm in your decision and doesn't want to wind you up?

She does sound like she's hard work, but if you're going to demand that he doesn't attend you're not going to come across as being much better. I don't think you'll gain anything from guilt-tripping him into remaining at home, but he will probably face a fair amount of criticism from his family for doing so. Just let it go. And work on whatever the other issues are when things are not as tense.

PretendIWasNeverHere · 18/09/2018 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

londonrach · 18/09/2018 15:02

Read your update. Understand you not going but no way should you ever ever threaten your dh like you have. Its v childish behaviour saying hes not begged you to go. Hes been very adult about this. His wife isnt prepared to support him with his difficult sister but he has to go for his parents if nothing else. Yabu. Support your husband here.

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