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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider leaving DH over SiL Wedding?

180 replies

FlashingMe · 18/09/2018 13:49

Name change but cutted up pear, bollards etc.

SIL is due to be married next week abroad, very small wedding. We do not get on. She is toxic and selfish. There is never any contact between us and i keep her away from my DC’s. Her and DH aren’t particularly close either they can go months without talking.

Anyway we agreed I wouldn’t attend and since its term time neither would the DC’s. Before this was all confirmed PIL booked DH on a flight and his hotel, as a single traveller.

Me and DH have had several arguments over this as I would never say he couldn’t attend but I felt out of respect for the way she treats his family he wouldn’t go.

Its getting closer and i can feel the resentment building, i would never go to a family event without him and i get that he only has 1 sister and wants to be there but AIBU? I hate the fact he’s going and nobody has bothered to think how me or the DC are going to feel.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 18/09/2018 14:10

My goodness, dramatic much. If you don't want him to go then say that so being drama lama

Clandestino · 18/09/2018 14:10

It's his sister, isn't she? So why shouldn't he go? I don't get it.
You don't get on with her, fair enough. You are not going, you won't have to be there, have a nice weekend instead and let your DH enjoy his time with his family.
Unless there is a huuuuge backstory you don't mention.

SilverySurfer · 18/09/2018 14:10

YABU not to mention absolutely ridiculous. Of course he should go, it's his sister. As for leaving him - yes you should, do your DH a favour - he can then meet an adult.

londonrach · 18/09/2018 14:11

Op..you can not ban your dh from going to his sisters wedding. The advice from mn would be dh leaves his toxic wife. Do you have any brothers and sisters..how would you feel if dh said you cant go to their wedding. Thats vvvvvvvvvvv controlling and strange behaviour unless a huge back story. He never forgive you for this which doesnt matter as you be divorced anyway.

Rebecca36 · 18/09/2018 14:11

There is no reason why your husband cannot go to the wedding without you but it wouldn't hurt you to go, nor your children who are your husband's children too, term time or not.

You say your sister in law is toxic - in what way? Has someone died as a result of her toxicity?

JellyBears · 18/09/2018 14:12

Let your husband go to his sisters wedding, and wtf have cut up pear got to do with anything?

billybagpuss · 18/09/2018 14:13

You agreed you wouldn’t attend and that he would. So 5hats what you now need to sit back and let that happen.

I do get how you’re feeling and the anxiety that is coming with it but you have to relax and let that go. As soon as he has gone and started messaging you about how it’s going you will be fine.

Snowymountainsalways · 18/09/2018 14:13

Do something different this time op.

With the element of surprise why not buy them a lovely gift for him to take signed by all of you. Don't be the nasty difficult one it will just make your life more miserable and sad.

Be the bigger person, smile and see him on his way with your best wishes and forget about it. Sometimes we need to put our feelings to one side for the greater good.

Snowymountainsalways · 18/09/2018 14:15

You could always consider going too. Turn up, bury the hatchet and be there with your dh and the rest of the family.

Beetlegum · 18/09/2018 14:15

Unless the SIL has done something truly awful, you are being utterly unreasonable. Nobody has bothered to think about how you’d feel? Have you stopped to think about your husband? It’s his sister. Of course he has every right to attend.

Original poster
FlashingMe · 18/09/2018 14:16

No drip feed. Just 20 years of her childish selfish behaviour. She is Aunt to DC’s in name only, contacts DH when she needs money or something.

I think whats pushing me is DH’s behaviour. Hes not once tried to talk me round or say how much it would mean to him to have us all there. Plus PIL booked it all without making sure me and the DC’s werent going and he didnt question it with them.

Maybe AIBU to consider leaving him, its been a hard year for our relationship, i would probably have been better asking if anyone else felt it was a bit shit to be deliberately left out of a huge family event.

OP posts:
Improve12 · 18/09/2018 14:16

It sounds like you have had an unsavoury past with your SIL.
Your husband has a history with his family. As an outsider to that family dynamic, I don't think it's possible to truly appreciate the nature of their relationship. His family relationships is up to him to navigate. He should have the freedom to attend his sister's wedding without you making him feel guilty.
I can understand your past experience could be extreme. I would be finding a way to not let the resentment build up and engage in some soul healing and empowering practices. If husband is up for it, perhaps engage in some family therapy to talk through past hurts etc. Either way, you could speak to a counsellor to find some tools to deal with this situation. I don't think its healthy to have expectations that your spouse neglect his family of birth in order to make his immediate family feel good. A marriage should be a blissful union rather than something filled with expectations. It becomes bondage..slavery..

The only downside I can see from him attending in your absence is that it makes your relationship look a bit strange. Like you're not a team. Ideally, guys should have the tools to stand up to their family of birth and make them respect their spouse so that all can interact decently. Perhaps that should be the expectation?
I really don't know your situation but do hope it resolves.

StealthNinjaMum · 18/09/2018 14:17

I think we need more information about what she's done that has directly hurt you and / or your children. You're asking a pretty big thing of him - but must have reasons.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 18/09/2018 14:18

Wow, I feel sorry for your DH!

It must be shit having a sister who's not very nice but you'd go to her wedding to keep the peace. It would be great to have the support of your wife in this situation.

I say that as someone who doesn't attend events for DH's family but I always wish him luck and send supportive messages.
And if he really really wanted me there I'd go even with the horrible way they've treated me. I'd go for him.

Either there is a humongous backstory or you've got a severe dose of drama llama-itis.

Nicknacky · 18/09/2018 14:18

So what has she ACTUALLY done that is so bad you don’t let your kids see her?

And why would you expect him to beg when it’s clear how you feel?

But I think you are being really unreasonable to guilt trip him so close to the wedding.

Havaina · 18/09/2018 14:18

You clearly think he shouldn't go so that guff about 'I would never tell him not to go' is bullshit.

You are clearly going to dripfeed a lot, but you sound very controlling and selfish. It's his only sister FFS!

You agreed he would go and you and DC wouldn't but you want one roughshod over that agreement, have a tantrum and get your own away. The poor man. Leave him, it will be a massive relief for him.

UnicornSparkles1 · 18/09/2018 14:21

LTB

Hmm
StealthNinjaMum · 18/09/2018 14:21

Oops cross post.

Look I don't really like my bil. He is selfish too (not deliberately nasty just thoughtless). But I wouldn't stop dh visiting him unless he had done something really awful.

W|hen you say 'deliberately left out' do you mean you weren't invited? There's a big difference between you not being invited and you being invited and others buying tickets because you'd said that you didn't want to / couldn't go. If you weren't invited then I would say you're not unreasonable and your dh should grow some balls and decline his invitation.

OhTheTastyNuts · 18/09/2018 14:22

So you wanted to be invited, and for everyone to try and persuade you to go? Even though you are NC with SIL and don't like her?

gottastopeatingchocolate · 18/09/2018 14:22

It's next week!!

At this stage, I would say suck it up. You didn't want to go - if DP had been trying to "talk you round" he would probably have been accused of not respecting your view. You said you didn't want to go - you're not going. He wanted to go - he's going.

His sister is his family, too. I wouldn't have any more arguments over it. To be honest, there was never going to be a "happy" resolution to this, was there?

Faithlulu · 18/09/2018 14:22

**Anyway we agreed I wouldn’t attend and since its term time neither would the DC’s.

I’m sorry who is “we” I have presumed that you and your husband have already spoken about you not going and probably told his PIL that....

musmusculus · 18/09/2018 14:22

you AGREED you wouldn't go and now you are annoyed he hasn't tried to talk you round? You never wanted to go in the first place!!!

I can confirm, you are the 'selfish and toxic' one in this relationship.

Can't do right for doing wrong springs to mind

Twotailed · 18/09/2018 14:23

In that case I really think YABU. She may be a pain and you may not like her, but she hasn’t done anything to you that’s so bad you’re justified in expecting your DH not to go to her wedding.

I think whats pushing me is DH’s behaviour. Hes not once tried to talk me round or say how much it would mean to him to have us all there

This bit really is absurd, sorry. He’s respecting your decision. Do you want to be talked round? If so, just tell him instead of playing mind games! It’s like you don’t want to go, but you also want your DH to make you feel guilty about not going?

If you’re annoyed at your PILs for booking without confirming, be annoyed at them not your DH (though I can see why PIL would assume you weren’t attending). Your first post suggests that you didn’t want to go and decided not to, your second one suggests you’ve been excluded from an event you would have liked to attend. Which is it?

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 18/09/2018 14:24

You are being ridiculous.
DH is going along with a plan to which you had agreed.
It would be terrible to go to the wedding of someone you clearly hate, and you don't have to. Sounds like a result to me.
Unless DH is going for 3 weeks and spending all your life savings, why is it a problem?

Babyblade · 18/09/2018 14:25

As I see it, the problem is that you say you agreed he would go alone.

YABU to change your mind. It's not fair on your DH is you change your mind and expect him to guess.