To consider leaving DH over SiL Wedding?

[FlashingMe]

Name change but cutted up pear, bollards etc.

SIL is due to be married next week abroad, very small wedding. We do not get on. She is toxic and selfish. There is never any contact between us and i keep her away from my DC’s. Her and DH aren’t particularly close either they can go months without talking.

Anyway we agreed I wouldn’t attend and since its term time neither would the DC’s. Before this was all confirmed PIL booked DH on a flight and his hotel, as a single traveller.

Me and DH have had several arguments over this as I would never say he couldn’t attend but I felt out of respect for the way she treats his family he wouldn’t go.

Its getting closer and i can feel the resentment building, i would never go to a family event without him and i get that he only has 1 sister and wants to be there but AIBU? I hate the fact he’s going and nobody has bothered to think how me or the DC are going to feel.

Sounds like you wern't even invited if PIL booked flights etc without you.

Would it help to think of it as if he is going to support your PIL not his sister?

I think whats pushing me is DH’s behaviour. Hes not once tried to talk me round or say how much it would mean to him to have us all there

Take the awful SIL out of it for a minute, I’m thoroughly confused.

You told him you weren’t going, asked him to respect your wishes. Yes?

Now you’re angry because he did EXACTLY what you asked of him, and you’re still not happy?

Jesus wept I don’t blame him for going, his head must be mince!

You want him to not attend his sisters wedding because you don't like her?

Fucking hell.

Op I think you chose the wrong board and the wrong question. I would try again with the Relationships board/ stately homes thread and try starting with ‘next week is the wedding of my extremely narcissistic/ manipulative SIL. We as a family have been NC for x years/ months/ days because of x and I didn’t realise how hurt I would be, that after everything my SIL has put us through, (the verbal abuse/ violence/ narcissistic behaviour) my DH has chosen to travel abroad at his parents expense, where he will be pretending they are a happy family unit’

You could ask ‘AIBU to feel betrayed by my DH for disregarding the awful way that his sister has treated us and/ or our children, as he is about to travel abroad to her wedding where he will act like nothing has happened and they are a perfect family’

Or you could say ‘ I know I am BU for feeling betrayed by my DH, however, I am terrified that he will be manipulated by his family and on return will want to reintroduce a relationship with his sister, who has already hurt us a great deal. Help/ how can I maintain boundaries without being unreasonable?’

You would never tell your husband he couldn't go, but you would tell him that if he does go you would consider leaving him? Can you see the contradiction in those two statements?

i would never go to a family event without him

Why not? You're not joined at the hip. I wouldn't insist my husband came with me to every single family event on my side of the family, and in general if he wants to go to his second cousin's child's birthday party or something similarly gruesome I'm delighted that I don't have to go.

Hes not once tried to talk me round or say how much it would mean to him to have us all there.
Well maybe it wouldn’t mean to him. Maybe he fancies some time out/ feels he handles his sister better on his own/ that it will be smoother if just he goes. All of which is reasonable.
You e made your choice , he’s made his. It’s his sister no matter how close or otherwise they are, and he either wants to attend, or feels he should.

Putting aside the wedding and such, you really ought to talk to him. If you feel so strongly about this that you would consider leaving him, it's at least worth a conversation. There's no sense in trying to be easygoing about it (or appearing so) if you don't actually feel that way. It's okay to have limits, but it's not okay to let your spouse cross them without letting them know that the limits exist.

Seems to me you want everyone's attention on you

Pil to beg you to go
DH to beg you to go
Sil to beg you to go

Instead, they have all shrugged and said 'ok,fine,stay home' and you don't like that one little bit!!!

You want drama

Another one saying you are being completely unreasonable!

And as for Plus PIL booked it all without making sure me and the DC’s werent going and he didnt question it with them.

You can't stand the woman and you've brought the kids into it too by keeping them away from her.

Why on earth would he need to 'make sure' you and the kids weren't going? I'm very surprised you were even invited

It's unfair of you to change the goal posts at this stage. I think your DH is being a bit disloyal, but you've left it too late to have this argument.

Although, were you and your DCs ever actually invited?

@Haivana she kicked off as my GF had the cheek to inconveniently die on DN birthday and I incredibly selfishly had sat with GF rather than rush off to buy a card and present for a DN whom she said I was not allowed to refer to as my DN as it was by marriage only. It was then I decided after 13 years of shit that I was done and went NC with her and the rest of his family. Exh accepted it and would just visit alone. I last saw SIL on the day our house sold and she reared her ugly head to allegedly help Exh move his stuff, personally I think it was more she wanted that one last chance to try to stick the knife in but as it goes I saw her for the sad pathetic jealous bitch that she really is 😊

If you don't get with SIL on why would your DH beg you to come. His sister is a pain and it's probably just easier all round to go on his own.

OP I can see what's going on here because it reminds me exactly of the kind of game playing shit I would have pulled when I was a teenager.

This is childish. You said you weren't going and agreed he would go. Now you're upset he hasn't chosen to stay at home with you and feel everyone has conspired to keep you out of an event you had no intention of attending.

The time to talk him out of going - not that I think you should have at any point because she's he's sister etc etc - would have been before any arrangements were made for him to go and not just before the wedding.

if anyone else felt it was a bit shit to be deliberately left out of a huge family event

But you're not. You and your husband made the decision you and your children weren't going. It's not like she only invited him. You're choosing not to go you're not being deliberately left out.

You aren't being unreasonable to dislike your SIL. You aren't being unreasonable to limit contact. But you seem to have accepted that your DH still has minimal contact. I think it is unreasonable to dictate when this limited contact takes place and whether or not it includes very special occasions such as a wedding.

You say you don't want to go. You say you have agreed at You won't go (which I presume means that you had a conversation about this and agreed that you and the dc wouldn't go, which he might reasonably assume means that you agree that he will go. You want him to try to persuade you to go. And you also want him not to want to go. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place - you're giving mixed messages and trying to will him to do the right thing (whatever that is).

I don't think this should be about your SIL. Who sounds awful. But it should be about your DH and whether he wants to be with his family on an important occasion . And which he probably believes you're supportive of.

I guess there's more to this.

But from your posts alone, you are unreasonable to expect him not to go/beg you to go. And you are being incredibly unreasonable to consider ending your marriage because of this. Caveat - I appreciate there is/are obviously other reason/s why you are considering ending your marriage and that this situation is the catalyst.

Regardless of her past shitty behaviour, it is up to your DH if he wants to go. You decided you wouldn't go so why on earth should others be persuading you to go or PILs not booking your DH? You haven't been excluded from anything and if she is that awful (and she does sound it from that one example) then I'd be glad of excuse not to attend.

This is so much more than you not wanting your DH to go to his sister's wedding without you and DCs so yes YABU in threatening to leave him over it.

To be fair to the op I would be pissed that dh thought it was a good idea to go when there have clearly been huge issues and his wife and the dc have no contact it’s just a bit of betrayal really. Playing happy family’s when thats not the truth at all since it’s aboard it’s not even like popping in for the vows then leaving. You should of however broached your feelings with him a long time ago.

I'm in the process of seriously considering going NC with a close family member. It is incredibly difficult and painful and I'd really love to find a way out of the predicament. I wouldn't wish this decision on anyone, and I certainly wouldn't try to push my DH into causing a huge family rift.

Surely when you went NC with SIL you thought through the ramifications - weddings, funerals etc and (presumably) realised that DH might still want to see his sister and attend significant family events? It is incredibly unfair to try to force your DH in to not seeing his sister just because you have reached the point of no return with her behaviour.

Personally, instead of getting annoyed at him not backing you up given the incredibly high cost (losing his sister, massively hurting his parents), I'd try to focus on the positives. He is recognising that you have every right to not see her, supporting you in keeping the kids away and accepting that you are perfectly capable of making your own decisions without being "talked around" by him. In many ways he is showing you a great deal of respect.

It sounds like you think he is being disloyal. He's going to the wedding of one of your jointly held 'enemies', and hasn't even got offended on your behalf when his whole family assumed that you wouldn't be there. I can see that.

But, this is not the hill to die on.

However it feels for you, it's more difficult and conflicting for him because it's his family who are awful and him who is being pulled in two directions. If he's otherwise a terrible husband and you want to leave him then so be it, but I think you would be bonkers to do it about this. The wedding situation is certainly unpleasant but I think you should just let it go and focus on resolving any other issues in your marriage (possibly in-laws will feature a lot into that but I would still forget about the wedding, it's not unfair of him to go).

Don't let it eat you up. I'm afraid you sound a little bitter already. It's understandable to a point if there's a long list of things like the hospital incident. But bitterness really skews your judgement so don't let it get a hold of you any more. Having a strop a week before the wedding and expecting him to know you felt like this all along is childish. Sorry

If you want to leave your husband by all means do it - but I think saying that it is because of his sisters wedding arrangements (which you've gone along with this far) is poor.

His sister may we'll be awful but you are not showering yourself with glory here either.

If that's the sort of nasty shit SIL pulls, then YANBU to want nothing to do with her.

The time to have a conversation about your resentment of her treatment of you and the children was several months ago, before his place was booked.Leaving now achieves nothing.

I read this as I have a similar toxic SIL situation, except it’s ongoing as SIL lives near and DH was taking DD every weekend without me. I am leaving him over this as I feel DH is allowing such regular ignoring and I nothing to my SIL at all.

However, I think your DH does seem to respect your family unit first and foremost. He does not regularly visit her without you with your kids, and she does influence or poison your life. I think if it’s a wedding, a one off, then I would just let him go. Although I totally understand your discomfort. Unless she’s been very, very nasty to you, your DH can choose to have a relationship with her that is also respectful of you.

Do you get on with PIL? Is it the thought that your absence will belittle you? I think I’d just grit my teeth.

Were you invited?

Apologies bad grammar!