About 16yr old dd going on family holiday?

[alifromtheforest]

Her father and I split when she was 2. We have always had a brilliant relationship with no issues and he has gone above and beyond to be an excellent father.

His mother is about to be 70 and they're going on a big family holiday to the Maldives (about 10 of them) to celebrate. They are very wealthy and these holidays happen not infrequently. On this occasion they're going for ten days across the October half term.

Dd is almost 17 and after a rough few months has really settled socially. Holidays are the only time that she and her best friends can properly get together to hang out because they're all at separate boarding schools.

Dd really, REALLY does not want to go on this holiday. She's been saying this for weeks. I started out with the attitude of "This is a special holiday and you have the rest of your life to socialise", but from what I've heard about this holiday it's not going to be very enjoyable for her (days and events centred around her six young cousins, aged between 6 years and 3 months).

She knows the flight has been paid for (around £400) and that they will be very disappointed/angry if she doesn't go.

I'm stuck! On the one hand, she has consistently been saying for weeks that she doesn't want to go. Things are being organised during the half term by her friends that she really wants to go, seeing as she hardly sees them during term time. She also has a large pile of work which is building up because she's just started A-Levels and they've been told that there will be a big project over the half term which won't be feasible for her to complete abroad.

She isn't behaving badly over this at all. She says it in a sad tone and does understand the potential disappointment. There's no stamping of feet or anything.

I'm torn - make her go or accept that she's 17 in a month and respect her decision not to go? I remember holidaying in the US around her age and I hated it. I was just too old for the type of holiday and I really, really missed my friends and felt very left out. I still remember the frustration, boredom and resentment! Like her, I'd struggled socially for quite a while and this period of time was very precious to me.

I'm totally split here. What to do?????

You are focusing on totally the wrong thing. How nice for your DD that she gets to go to so many lovely, shiny exciting places that she isn't interested in a holiday to the Maldives. That's not what's important. What is important is that this was her grandmother's milestone birthday celebration, and it's very rude and disrespectful to ditch it to hang out with friends.

Personally I would make her go, or rather impress upon her the importance of family - we simply don't know how long they will be around. If she really doesn't want to go she needs to talk to her father herself not use you as an intermediary.

Oh, the Maldvices -v- Thailand thing? Well, the OP's DD has been to so many exciting amazing far flung holidays that OP can barely keep track of them.

Heart breaks at how boring the Maldives will be - poor poppet

Hugs op. Hope the meeting goes ok. My ds got talked into half the holidays. Think it’s a similar issue.. I see ds as an adult doing a course who has studying / socialising / volunteering to do. I think he’s still a kid with a contact schedule to his df. And it’s only going to get worse when he gets a job, he just won’t be able to keep a boss happy and his df as well.

Sorry, it is the Maldives. I've spent the afternoon booking flights to Thailand for me and my sister! I obviously wasn't concentrating.

I am absolutely positive that this won't be the last family holiday abroad of it's kind. Five years ago they all went to Mauritius for her grandfather's 75th birthday.

I think the merits of the choice are done and dusted now. The die has been cast. From hereon in, it will be managing the fallout......

Thanks Tatty.

Oh, and got whoever asked - there's never been a formal contact arrangement. It's generally been every weekend for one or two nights - sometimes ex can't do it, sometimes dd is busy. Same with holidays, I just let them work it out between themselves.

*for

I think she has to go. In 10/15 years when gran is not around she is going to regret not spending this quality time. She’s to young to know the importance of family and how fleeting it al is. I wish I could have holidays with my gran.

@KnotsInMay Apologies - you just see so many threads on here that descend into troll hunting for the slightest deviation from the original OP; it drives me nuts.

Meh. I wouldn’t make her go if she didn’t want to and they’d have to lump it.

I think she has to go. In 10/15 years when gran is not around she is going to regret not spending this quality time. She’s to young to know the importance of family and how fleeting it al is. I wish I could have holidays with my gran.
Gran could easily be around another 25 years and it doesn’t sound like this holiday is exactly a one-off.

I think she has to go. In 10/15 years when gran is not around she is going to regret not spending this quality time. She’s to young to know the importance of family and how fleeting it al is. I wish I could have holidays with my gran.

If she's that close to her Grandma, she has 51 other weeks of the year to see her. I can't imagine many teens wanting to go on holiday with their grandparents, to be honest, even if it is to celebrate a birthday. It doesn't mean they don't love them, they just have their own lives to lead.

I don't think forcing a 16yo to spend time with extended family is really a good idea, it'll just lead to resentment and arguments for no good reason. Be honest, at 16 would you have wanted to go on holiday with your much younger cousins and a bunch of elderly relatives?

Oh, the Maldvices -v- Thailand thing? Well, the OP's DD has been to so many exciting amazing far flung holidays that OP can barely keep track of them

Heart breaks at how boring the Maldives will be - poor poppet

There, there dear. We’ve noticed you.

I'll update after the meeting tomorrow night.......

I think it’s a hard one. If it wasn’t 10 days and was local ish I’d say she really did have to go but a big holiday when she’s studying doesn’t seem ideal. Hope the meeting goes okay.

My teens get taken camping most years. That’s our budget and luckily they love it. Just because it is expensive and tropical doesn’t make The Maldives a great holiday that anyone should be grateful to go on for 10 days.

There really isn’t anything to do. The government deliberately prevent contact between tourists and citizens and you are not allowed off the holiday atolls (which are just hotels) to the capital or where the people live.

The human rights abuses under the repressive regime are constantly in the spotlight of Amnesty (currently trying to persuade the new government to adopt better standards...it remains to be seen).

It is also an ecological disaster. The islands are fragile with s fragile marine environment. The government have not managed the impact of tourism at all. An entire island is given over as one massive toxic rubbish dump, leaching poison and pollution into the sea.

Lol, the more ‘concious’ of my teens would be boycotting the place on these grounds.

And as a pp said, Oct can mean non stop rain.

It is only because the family are so wealthy that they can expect to demand a whole 10 days if time to celebrate a birthday. In any ordinary family it would mean a nice meal out or perhaps a weekend in a big self catering house.

Good luck with the meeting, OP.

@scaryteacher - agreed. Not all DC have iPads. However I am pretty sure that all, or nearly all, privately educated boarding school students who have wealthy grandparents, multiple exotic holidays and a mother booking her own trip to Thailand do though.......

Actually at 16.50 OP says that DD spends every weekend for one or two nights with her dad. How exactly does this work if she's at boarding school!!!??!!!! Either there's something very fishy or she doesn't see you😢

My privately educated, with a wealthy grandparent now 22 year old has never had an iPad (nor has he had exotic holidays, and I have no desire to go to Thailand, my trips are mostly back to the UK). as he prefers a laptop.

I also dislike Apple products, (given the number of obselete iPods we have lurking around, they are built to fail); so wouldn't have bought him one anyway.

@scaryteacher - everyone my DD knows has an iPad, but that's a mute point. Your DS has a laptop. Bulkier but exactly the same in terms of making studying portable.
As a teacher I am also sure that you are aware that if you own the physical textbook they are mainly available to download (not through kindle).
I can confirm that English, History, Maths, FM, Gov &Pol, Psychology and physics A Level text books are available....there's a web address and a code.
All of the English Literature books are available on kindle (again, buy the book and have the download...or just get the kindle version).

A bit off topic but 'moot point', not mute. Sorry.

Also I think the idea of trying to type up an essay on an iPad is most offputting. Laptop, yes, but I don't find an iPad at all comfortable to use for that sort of thing.

@SharpLily - I was hoping no one would pick up on my mute rather than moot 😀

As for typing on an iPad - if you have an iPad Pro (the big one) and have a cover that is a keyboard it's fine.

@bpisok

In my experience, (at least with Edexcel textbooks), the code for downloading the textbook can only be used once. So if one student uses it, then no future user of that textbook can.

bpisok - her weekends aren't fixed. Sometimes she stays in (as in, the boarding house for the weekend if there's stuff going on), sometimes she comes to me, sometimes she goes to her dad and sometimes she splits the weekend in two. It's up to her what she does. Don't forget the holidays are looooonnnngggg so I get to see her plenty then because she lives with me. Quite often she'll spend a night or two with her dad during the week in the holidays too so it all balances out. That's boarding school life and everyone is very happy with the arrangements. Sometimes (like today) her father or I will nip over in the evening and take her out for dinner if we feel like we're missing time with her.

Hmmm....the MEETING. It is now not taking place because ex has said that if dd doesn't have anything new to say (i.e. a capitulation) then he doesn't want to talk to her. To me, this seems very childish and dd has said that she's going to phone her grandparents and explain, but she's not fussed about seeing her dad. I don't blame her; he's done nothing but call her rude, spoiled and selfish. Although, once he's calmed down he tries to backtrack. But you can't unsay things.

I'm seeing dd alone tonight. When I spoke to her last night (afraid of finding her in tears after her dad said that he didn't want to see her), she was very cheerful and happy, obviously in the middle of something with her friends as I could hear lots of shouting and laughing and she sounded absolutely fine. Which is the main thing.

Oh - iPad - she does have an old mini one from about four years ago but she doesn't use it for some reason, something to do with not being able to get Netflix on it. When she's home she just steals mine . She does have a laptop, but it's just a bog standard, Acer one. Lots of her friends have Apple Mac's, or whatever they're called, but at £800 no way is she having one of those!

In a fairly ridiculous manner, at my younger dd's school, they routinely hand out iPads to all Year 7 and 8's for two years to use in class and for their homework. My Year 7 dd is very responsible but I imagine lots of the others aren't! In fact, they've just got back from a week in France with the school and one boy did drop his in a rock pool! Anyway, I digress.

I'll update later after I've seen dd.