About 16yr old dd going on family holiday?

[alifromtheforest]

Her father and I split when she was 2. We have always had a brilliant relationship with no issues and he has gone above and beyond to be an excellent father.

His mother is about to be 70 and they're going on a big family holiday to the Maldives (about 10 of them) to celebrate. They are very wealthy and these holidays happen not infrequently. On this occasion they're going for ten days across the October half term.

Dd is almost 17 and after a rough few months has really settled socially. Holidays are the only time that she and her best friends can properly get together to hang out because they're all at separate boarding schools.

Dd really, REALLY does not want to go on this holiday. She's been saying this for weeks. I started out with the attitude of "This is a special holiday and you have the rest of your life to socialise", but from what I've heard about this holiday it's not going to be very enjoyable for her (days and events centred around her six young cousins, aged between 6 years and 3 months).

She knows the flight has been paid for (around £400) and that they will be very disappointed/angry if she doesn't go.

I'm stuck! On the one hand, she has consistently been saying for weeks that she doesn't want to go. Things are being organised during the half term by her friends that she really wants to go, seeing as she hardly sees them during term time. She also has a large pile of work which is building up because she's just started A-Levels and they've been told that there will be a big project over the half term which won't be feasible for her to complete abroad.

She isn't behaving badly over this at all. She says it in a sad tone and does understand the potential disappointment. There's no stamping of feet or anything.

I'm torn - make her go or accept that she's 17 in a month and respect her decision not to go? I remember holidaying in the US around her age and I hated it. I was just too old for the type of holiday and I really, really missed my friends and felt very left out. I still remember the frustration, boredom and resentment! Like her, I'd struggled socially for quite a while and this period of time was very precious to me.

I'm totally split here. What to do?????

All of you saying he should have asked her first etc etc are you genuinely saying you ask your child (16 is a child) whether they want to come on a trip to celebrate their grandmothers birthday and would leave them at home if they said they’d rather not? I'd make sure it didn't cause issues with school work and check before hand it wasn't clashing with anything important. I'd be less accomodating if they change their minds after booking - but here they didn't ask first so I think the Op DD has a point.

Sadly at this point I think you do need to step in to smooth this out.

At 17 Dd should know that moaning to someone who is not involved in something is not going to resolve it and should have spoken to her DF earlier.

Equally her DF and DGM should have checked before booking but probably didn't expect her to reject a 5star Maldives holiday

I would encourage DD to speak to her DF again and try to get her to go on the trip The course work is a red herring. If the destination is as boring as everyone says she will have plenty of study time. I'd be surprised if her pals are planning to stay put for the half term themselves

Suggest that she goes but tells her DF she needs to be asked before further holidays are booked

The course work is a red herring. If the destination is as boring as everyone says she will have plenty of study time Surely that depends on what it is - will she have access to all the resorces she needs? I think I'd be suggesting to ex you think this is less about friends and more about worries she has coping with 4 A-levels and the work load and he need to talk to her again when calm. Then leave them to it.

Fundamentally, I think it's selfish of your ex's family to just expect 10 days of your daughter's very limited free time.

Ideally this should have been sorted a while ago IMO.

I think it's fine for a 17 year old to do their own thing but if she agreed to go at some point she shouldn't back out now. Compromise and doing things for others is part of life.

School are making things extremely tricky if they have just let students know that they have work to do at half term which can't be completed abroad. Many many families will have planned to go away. What can be done on a holiday to Cornwall that can't be done abroad?!

All of you saying he should have asked her first etc etc are you genuinely saying you ask your child (16 is a child) whether they want to come on a trip to celebrate their grandmothers birthday and would leave them at home if they said they’d rather not?

Of course! She's sixteen, not six.

And personally, I think it's bit presumptuous of a grandmother to expect her 16yo granddaughter so give up 10 days of her time for a birthday!

How else did you expect this to play out? Of course her DF and his family would react in this way.
All I can assume is that you will expect her to study 8 hours per day to demonstrate that she isn't being a brat.

As I said before my DDs the same age and her A Level text books have been downloaded to her iPad. Even if she was still doing Art she would do drawings/graphics/photography on her iPad (all you need is the software and a decent stylus). She can type her essays and make notes on her iPad. If she needed to do coding she would take her laptop too. Studying is really important to my DD too and to go to the Uni she wants she will need a minimum of A star,AA but she would still go for her grandmother and DF
The only thing I can think of that can't be done is pottery! Even for DT a lot of the marks are for the planning.

Sorry, the studying is just a ruse because she doesn't fancy it, but we all have to do thing we don't fancy. Her family would respect the fact that she had to spend 5 hours per day in her room studying if she felt like she couldn't do it around the pool.

She has quite simply chosen friends above family which is exactly what her DF said.

Such a shame.

Having had a teen who coasted through the first term of Year 12, and then crashed and burned (as I had predicted) in the January modules, I can see why she doesn't want to go, and yes, I know A levels have changed since 2012/13. (New para, no way to do carriage return) I can also see why she doesn't want to go having had guests plant themselves on me when they had been told specifically to avoid those dates, as it was GCSE marking season, and I was marking two papers. I resented the imposition made on my time and plans then, and I was in my 40s. I can see why the OPs DD resents it too.

He's a dick. Support your daughter. You don't need to be neutral.

This sounds to me like a classic case of a Father who has failed to realise that his little girl has matured into a young lady who makes her own decisions. He will be upset she's not going but hopefully if he's a decent man he will come round and their relationship will get back on track.

I'm interested find out what those posters who would give their 16yo DD the choice of whether to go or not, would do if the DD chose not to go but the rest of the family were going?

In the OP's situation there is an easy answer as the DD's parents are not together. So DD can stay behind with her mum. But if that wasn't the case what would you do with a 16yo DD who wants to stay at home for 10 days to study and socialise whilst the rest of the family were in the Maldives?

I'm all for teaching independence but I'm unconvinced that leaving a 16yo for over a week at home would result in any studying.

In the OP's situation there is an easy answer as the DD's parents are not together. So DD can stay behind with her mum. But if that wasn't the case what would you do with a 16yo DD who wants to stay at home for 10 days to study and socialise whilst the rest of the family were in the Maldives?

There's a simple answer to that - if I had a sixteen year old child who needed to study then I wouldn't book a ten day holiday to the Maldives.

From the moment my sister and I entered GCSE years, family holidays during the school year (besides short weekends away) stopped immediately, and we only went away in the summer.

In the OP's situation there is an easy answer as the DD's parents are not together. So DD can stay behind with her mum. But if that wasn't the case what would you do with a 16yo DD who wants to stay at home for 10 days to study and socialise whilst the rest of the family were in the Maldives?

There's a simple answer to that - if I had a sixteen year old child who needed to study then I wouldn't book a ten day holiday to the Maldives.

From the moment my sister and I entered GCSE years, family holidays during the school year (besides short weekends away) stopped immediately, and we only went away in the summer.

A teenager would be bored rigid in Maldives. There's nothing to do & nowhere to go unless you have a boat or sea plane. It's the ultimate chill out holiday. I love chilling out but even I had serious cabin fever after a few days. Her dad not thinking about the bigger picture.

Assuming DD would go without checking with her first is just rude.

You DD's position is weak and using the issue of the project and A levels as an excuse not to go. As for being bored, she'll be with her family. It's up to her father to ensure she enjoys herself, and boredom can easily be sorted by some good books, A level text books and a pack of cards. She can easily shut herself off from the younger cousins with her books and appear at dinner when cocktails are about to be served.

I hate it when families try to use the three line whip when they haven't had the courtesy to check first. Just plain bad manners and I don't see why DD is expected to pander to it. DD is 16 (nearly 17) not 6. She has her own priorities. She isn't a parcel just to be posted on.

Time DF and the rest of the family realised that.

I'm interested find out what those posters who would give their 16yo DD the choice of whether to go or not, would do if the DD chose not to go but the rest of the family were going?

Maybe they would have had more consideration and not booked a holiday like that when their child was in the middle of their A-levels?

Like PP's my parents put holidays on hold while I was doing exams - we went over the summer, or we went self-catering to places like Scotland or the Lake District so I had peace (and internet!) and could study during the day, and then we'd go out in the evenings or have the odd few hours out too.

Not really possible on a big group holiday in the Maldives!

Thank you all for the extra opinions.

Just to clarify - I totally supported her father when dd first started saying she didn't want to go. I said nothing but "It's a special family holiday, you really need to go." I have total respect for ex family - I treated the situation as though it were my own family.

She went away with my parents completely out of choice. No one made her go. The invitation was issued and accepted.

They have mocks in Nov after half term and they've been told that the results of those will be the second most important thing in determining her predicted grades for Uni. No one is under any illusion that she will do her best revision in Thailand so that is a contributory factor.

Cheesecake -

This sounds to me like a classic case of a Father who has failed to realise that his little girl has matured into a young lady who makes her own decisions. He will be upset she's not going but hopefully if he's a decent man he will come round and their relationship will get back on track.

You've hit the nail on the head there. Or part of the head, anyway. I think that is one of the problems.

I've organised a meeting tomorrow for dd, ex and me. I'm taking her out of school for the evening and then going to meet ex. They've both agreed to this, I just hope that they can both have a sensible, reasonable, rational conversation! I have no idea whether this is the right thing to do or not, but it's my best guess, knowing the two of them like I do. I have stressed to ex that this between HIM and HER to sort. I'll just be an intermediary who hopefully won't be needed.

I think she should go. Sometimes we do things for the people we love because we love them even if when we don't want to do it. I could imagine it would be very hurtful to her grandparents. When your daughter is older she won't say 'I'm so glad I stayed at home October half term' she will most likely think 'I wish i had gone on a great family holiday'

Thailand?
I thought it was the Maldives?

Yes it was knots, hardly spellcheck error is it?

FFS, perhaps the OP doesn't want this to be identified if it ends up in the Daily Mail? People do change things at times to hide identities. Stop troll hunting.

As for As I said before my DDs the same age and her A Level text books have been downloaded to her iPad. Not every A level student will have an iPad, and not every text book will be downloadable (having shelled out for MA textbooks that aren't on Kindle!).

I wasn't troll hunting! The location makes a difference to how I view this hol and the OP's DD's lack of enthusiasm. A bit, anyway. As in the Maldives is boring, (unecological) and short on teen stuff to do, while Thailand might be far more teen-friendly.