About 16yr old dd going on family holiday?

[alifromtheforest]

Her father and I split when she was 2. We have always had a brilliant relationship with no issues and he has gone above and beyond to be an excellent father.

His mother is about to be 70 and they're going on a big family holiday to the Maldives (about 10 of them) to celebrate. They are very wealthy and these holidays happen not infrequently. On this occasion they're going for ten days across the October half term.

Dd is almost 17 and after a rough few months has really settled socially. Holidays are the only time that she and her best friends can properly get together to hang out because they're all at separate boarding schools.

Dd really, REALLY does not want to go on this holiday. She's been saying this for weeks. I started out with the attitude of "This is a special holiday and you have the rest of your life to socialise", but from what I've heard about this holiday it's not going to be very enjoyable for her (days and events centred around her six young cousins, aged between 6 years and 3 months).

She knows the flight has been paid for (around £400) and that they will be very disappointed/angry if she doesn't go.

I'm stuck! On the one hand, she has consistently been saying for weeks that she doesn't want to go. Things are being organised during the half term by her friends that she really wants to go, seeing as she hardly sees them during term time. She also has a large pile of work which is building up because she's just started A-Levels and they've been told that there will be a big project over the half term which won't be feasible for her to complete abroad.

She isn't behaving badly over this at all. She says it in a sad tone and does understand the potential disappointment. There's no stamping of feet or anything.

I'm torn - make her go or accept that she's 17 in a month and respect her decision not to go? I remember holidaying in the US around her age and I hated it. I was just too old for the type of holiday and I really, really missed my friends and felt very left out. I still remember the frustration, boredom and resentment! Like her, I'd struggled socially for quite a while and this period of time was very precious to me.

I'm totally split here. What to do?????

Of course you can book a return flight for #400 or less to Male especially if you book well in advance (and are travelling in economy)

booking.qatarairways.com/nsp/views/index.xhtml

Does the holiday fit within the actual half term holiday - can she use the excuse that she can't miss school? Well - along with the got big project to do over half term etc etc...

Was she actually asked if she wanted to go or was it just assumed that as it was the Maldives she would automatically say yes? Likewise, is it her turn to be with her dad this half term or was she due to be with you - I know you say that you're on good terms with her dad but did he sort out that side of things or was it a case of 'you're with me that week so you're coming' or 'please can I have her that week as it's mum's special birthday' and then only later on finding out the full details... or something else!

With the greatest of respect, OP - this isn't for you to encourage or deny, she's going to be 17 and can tell her Dad herself if she doesn't want to go.

The whole affair is between her and her Dad and if I were you, I'd only encourage / facilitate them having a sit down and an honest discussion about how she feels. That's as involved as I think you should get.

Op, you haven’t said if your DD was asked about the holiday before it was booked? If the trip was booked without a proper discussion it’s fine to say no to it.

I think you and DD have to have a serious conversation with your ex to explain the situation with DDs school work piling up. Don’t say that DD doesn’t want to go because of her friends as it makes her sound like a spoilt brat!

Hi, sorry, I didn't expect so many replies!

I'm not 100% sure about consulting her before booking, but I'm pretty sure they didn't.

The replies all seem quite unanimous! I agree that socialising cannot be the sole reason for pulling out. It's more that she needs to divide her half term time quite carefully to ensure that she gets a break and some downtime as well as completing her work. She's a very motivated pupil.

They could easily afford to lose the flight money (I must be wrong about the £400! I've never been so have no comparison) but it's more about the principle of the thing. Whether she should pay it back or not depends on whether she had a choice in booking it.

I agree re. her making her own decisions. But she's coming to me to look for guidance on this which is while I'm torn about what to say.

Paddling - Skegness 🤣🤣

Oh and I don't imagine the accommodation costs would be affected by her going or not. I think it's a villa type thing.

Keep well out of it.
She is 17 and has an ongoing relationship with her father so it’s between them.

Your guidance should be that it is her decision to make.

I think you have the solution.

DD gives her father an eloquent considered reason(s) for not going (her studies) and if she was not consulted and did not agree to go in the first place, the cost of travel is really on them. If she did agree in advance then she may need to offer to repay him the flight cost but that is for them to discuss (hopefully he will be relaxed about it) and maybe next time they will discuss their plans with her first.

It is possible to book flights and hotels separately for the Maldives so the GPS may have found bargain flights.

We paid £4000 for two for economy flights and two weeks all inclusive in a water villa in a luxury island hotel and that included sea plane transfers, so there are bargains to be had.

OP, if they are very wealthy, why are they flying economy? I'm sure many do, just checking if the adult are all going to be in economy too.

OP, I wouldn't turn down 10 days in the Maldives but I'm not 16. Wouldn't she able to spend time with her dad whilst the smaller kids do their activities? There's not that much to do on Maldivian islands apart from water games and sunbathing.

I don't believe in forcing young people to do things they really don't want to do and your daughter is 16, nearly 17 so in theory, is able to make choices for herself.

However - her grandmother is going to be 70, it will be a big celebration in a beautiful place that not many people are able to afford. They aren't going to be in the Maldives for too long, it woudn't be a bad idea to encourage her to go if only to please others, especially grandma & her dad. She'll still have plenty to time to see her friends, many of whom will be going away at different times.

I think it is quite likely that, once there, your daughter will love the Maldives.

So don't force her - but stress the positive bits.

Actually I disagree - I think she should probably go. We have exactly the same set up. DD 17 next month, lots of family holidays.... big 70th grandmother birthday holiday.
DD didn't fancy it but went anyway since it was a special birthday and it was expected of her but she explained very politely that she wouldn't be able to do any more trips due to her studies (in reality it was the same reason as your DD - she doesn't want to go anymore and would rather hang out with her friends). The only difference is that it was this summer so before the school year started.
......if on the other hand they had asked (or even mentioned) it to your DD before booking and she had said no then she is under no obligation.

The big pile of school work could be tackled now and the project could be started in advance. I am guessing the project may be her EPQ in which case it also doesn't have to be done at half term. If I am right and it is her EPQ a huge amount of the 'work' is deciding what the EPQ is going to be on and how you are going to tackle the research .....perfect task whilst laying on a sun bed and ignoring the kids.

I do see the sense of the last couple of posts in terms of encouraging her and that's where I've been over the last few weeks.

But it's now that it's becoming clear that she REALLY doesn't want to go.

She wasn't asked before booking, it was just assumed.

She's doing 4 A-Levels at a very academically selective school so the pressure is on right from the start.....

I just checked with her now about whether she was asked.

Trust me, it will be the most enormous relief to her both personally and academically to have it called off. Plus if she's a decent person, she'll never forget the first time you really respected her wishes as a young adult.

no way force her to go, she wasn't consulted

If she wasn't asked in advance of booking, then its definitely fine to call it off. She's being sensible.

There's one thing I remember from that age - I HATED being assumed about without being asked.

She's old enough to be allowed to make her own decisions on things like this.

If she wasn't ever asked then I'd get get her to talk to her dad and point out that now she is an A level student, it's just not going to be possible to do all the work that she needs to do over half term as well as go on holiday. That she's really upset that it was just assumed that she would go, even when they know that now she's older and in an academically pressured school it was just assumed that she had no plans (I'm including school work in plans as I'm sure she will be given lots in all future holidays over the next couple of years until her actual exams!) as if she was just a little kid like the rest of her cousins.

(And while I'm sure she loves them and loves spending some time with them - what's the betting that some of the adults will be hoping that she will be actively watching/playing with some of the younger ones part of the time so they get a break too...)

IF she is sure she doesn't want to go - and it sounds like she is - then she needs to tell her dad sooner rather than later so that if there is anything to be cancelled for her that they can claim money back for they can. It will also give her peace of mind once she knows it is sorted that she isn't going - again, the sooner the better. And then she can make plans for half term to do her work and meet her friends...

It would also be a nice gesture to recognise that the birthday is important to her granny and as such to say that she would like to do something with her for her birthday (do they have any shared interests?) before or after, for a day or weekend, so that she isn't blowing off her gran altogether!

Thank you all so much for the replies, they've really helped to clarify the situation for me.

The pp who said it would be a massive relief to her is spot on.

I'm not sure whether to message her dad and say "She's not going to the Maldives with you." And then leave her to explain? Or do I just butt out entirely?!

No don’t message her dad. Get her to explain why she doesn’t want to go. Personally I think she should, when is she going to have the opportunity to go there? I would love to have celebrated a special birthday with all my family and cousins. Once she is there I’m sure she’d enjoy it. She can always study on the plane and once she’s there. Imagine studying on a beach with clear blue seas...that would be amazing. Life’s too short. It’s not a good reason to not go because of her friends. It’s only 10 days and if they were proper friends they would understand and meet at a different time.

My teenager says he'll go if she doesn't want to -and he thinks she's "proper daft"!

Was she asked before they booked then or not?

Personally I wouldn't say anything to her Dad. Let DD sort it out.

BertrandRussell
My teenager says he'll go if she doesn't want to -and he thinks she's "proper daft"!

Please tell your teenager that he is second in the queue, after me

OP, you say she has been saying for weeks that she doesn't want to go - who has she been saying that to? I assume to you when she should have been talking to her DF.

Could she take the A level project work with her? it it's that time consuming surely she will have little time to see friends either?

Her friends will probably be around for years, her GM may not. I think it would be nice if she went.