About 16yr old dd going on family holiday?

[alifromtheforest]

Her father and I split when she was 2. We have always had a brilliant relationship with no issues and he has gone above and beyond to be an excellent father.

His mother is about to be 70 and they're going on a big family holiday to the Maldives (about 10 of them) to celebrate. They are very wealthy and these holidays happen not infrequently. On this occasion they're going for ten days across the October half term.

Dd is almost 17 and after a rough few months has really settled socially. Holidays are the only time that she and her best friends can properly get together to hang out because they're all at separate boarding schools.

Dd really, REALLY does not want to go on this holiday. She's been saying this for weeks. I started out with the attitude of "This is a special holiday and you have the rest of your life to socialise", but from what I've heard about this holiday it's not going to be very enjoyable for her (days and events centred around her six young cousins, aged between 6 years and 3 months).

She knows the flight has been paid for (around £400) and that they will be very disappointed/angry if she doesn't go.

I'm stuck! On the one hand, she has consistently been saying for weeks that she doesn't want to go. Things are being organised during the half term by her friends that she really wants to go, seeing as she hardly sees them during term time. She also has a large pile of work which is building up because she's just started A-Levels and they've been told that there will be a big project over the half term which won't be feasible for her to complete abroad.

She isn't behaving badly over this at all. She says it in a sad tone and does understand the potential disappointment. There's no stamping of feet or anything.

I'm torn - make her go or accept that she's 17 in a month and respect her decision not to go? I remember holidaying in the US around her age and I hated it. I was just too old for the type of holiday and I really, really missed my friends and felt very left out. I still remember the frustration, boredom and resentment! Like her, I'd struggled socially for quite a while and this period of time was very precious to me.

I'm totally split here. What to do?????

At 70 and well enough to travel to the Maldives I suspect her GM will have a good few years left.
From a schoolwork perspective I would not make her go. I've been to the Maldives, are there even kids' clubs at their resort or are they expecting her to muck in with childcare? At this stage in her life her relationship with her friends is more important than that of her GM and young cousins. Their wants do not trump hers. If she has been consistant in not wanting to go I wouldn't make her.

Sit with her and help her word a text explaining. Support her with her replies. She will need some help as he will be really disappointed and want her to come.

If she’s going to turn this down, she should at least do it face to face.

Aunty - she's at boarding school so I've messaged the few points I think she should make.

I haven't messaged her dad and I won't unless he gets in contact with me.

I don't know how to word this without sounding wanky, but this holiday isn't out of the norm for her. So she won't be missing a holiday of a lifetime type thing. We've been to our property in Spain this year and my parents took her to their house in Florida for a month. The year before she went to Australia, Spain and Koh Samui. She's travelled all over and I genuinely think that she will be bored and not enjoy it.

Anyway, it's out of my hands now because she's going to call her dad tonight.......... Will update!

Bertrand - she's at boarding school so no scope for being face to face with him for a while.

@cptartapp - not sure whether friend are more important than family at any age. It sounds like her grandparents have been good to her throughout the years. This is a measly 10 days out of her life and then she never has to go again. If her friends are that important they will still be there when she gets back.

As I said, I had the exact same chat with DD in August and I def wouldn't have MADE her go, but I would have been very disappointed in her as a human being if she had decided that she wasn't. DDs grandparents would (and often do) do anything for her, she knows that, and she knew how disappointed they would be. If she wanted to hurt their feelings then that's fine, but I certainly wouldn't have anything to do with delivering that hurt.

Sometimes as an adult you have to knuckle down and 'grin and bear it' and do the right thing ....and I think we are all agreeing that at 17 she is pretty much an adult.

I have a lot of sympathy for you and your dd. My ds(16) is in a very similar position and he’s very stressed about it. He has always spent the majority of the holidays at his df’s, and admits this affected his friendships all through high school, he’s now at college and just wants the October break to hang out and study (the tutors have told them that although there are no classes that week they are expected to work on projects / coursework). His df is putting the pressure on, and ds doesn’t feel able to say no, or even to take the work with him as he won’t be given the time to do it. I’m torn as to how involved to get. (I have shown him this thread to show him he’s not alone.)

Bpisok - that's exactly my dilemma and where I started.

Cold - it's shit isn't it? I feel like someone is going to be upset, no matter what the outcome.

Personally I think she should go - it’s a family celebration. Would you expect her to come on a celebration holiday for your family? I think it’s sad she wants to ditch her family for some teenage parties

Some project in the first half term of her first year of a levels will be worth the square root of fuck all. Its a poor excuse

She should ring her gran and tell her that shed rather hang around with her friends than travel for her birthday

I still don't think she should be made to go. And I would be looking what facilities/clubs the resort has for young children (if any, ours had none). Potential for disappointment in a lot of people's behaviours and expectations here. As a parent, my struggling daughter's wants would take priority over the wants of my ex DH or MIL. Be interested to hear your update!

Fuck, I’ll go if she doesn’t want to!

I hope he takes it well. I still think she should stay at home. Four A levels is a lot of work and takes a lot of focus.

Sorry about the late update. Things took a while to talk through.....

Basically, I spoke to ex and explained how she's feeling. He listened but in a "Well, she's still coming, so...." ie he wasn't really listening. I said that I wasn't getting involved (beyond the initial phone call which dd asked me to do). I said that it was up to her and him to sort out.

They spoke over the weekend (face to face) but both came away with different perspectives. He assuming she would go, she that he hadn't listened to her. And now it's blown up.

She told him tonight (via message because she's back at school) that she didn't want to go. He said "Choose between your friends or your family."

Dd says that made her not want to go even more, and she's taken the decision not to go. But she's also said that she doesn't want to see her father before she goes, she's really angry that he's tried to emotionally blackmail her and frustrated that he hasn't listened to her.

I don't know what to say now...... I need to support an upset dd, but at the same time I can't be seen as instrumental in her decision.

He has also just said that "Me and my family have given her love, time and money and she's thrown it back in my face." I pointed out that she IS his family and he said that she should act like it then. FFS!

Tbh I agree with him - sorry! First term of year 12 is not critical! If it was your mother’s special birthday not his mother’s would you feel happy for her to miss a family celebration as she’d rather hang out with her mates? I’m guessing not. You’d clearly decided from tge start that she wasn’t going and that his family was unimportant as they’d been on other fancy holidays before.

I don't know how to word this without sounding wanky, but this holiday isn't out of the norm for her. So she won't be missing a holiday of a lifetime type thing. We've been to our property in Spain this year and my parents took her to their house in Florida for a month. The year before she went to Australia, Spain and Koh Samui. She's travelled all over and I genuinely think that she will be bored and not enjoy it. (Apologies phone won’t do carriage return) anyway you are TOTALLY missing the point - this is out of the norm it is her grandmothers 70th birthday celebrations and the fact tgat you fail to differentiate tgat from going to your house in Spain is frankly shocking. If she misses her friends at home that much take her out of boarding school.

I’m afraid I agree with your ex. I get she doesn’t want to go but it’s her grandmothers 70th birthday, she needs to suck it up. She needs to take her work, download a bunch of films and books and get on with it. My parents would be beyond devastated if they arranged a family holiday and my 16 year old refused to go and to be honest I’d be embarrassed about his values and lack of respect too.

I’ve just noticed that you were happy to send her off with your parents for a month (no concern about missing her friends there?). Can you really not see how you are treating his family as unimportant??

Your daughter is very rude and you have enabled this. She also is 16 not 17 there is no need to exaggerate age, she is a school child not an adult.

Sorry, not impressed. She could take work, was it ever ascertained whether she’d agreed before?

She wasn't invited she was expected to go. At 17 she should be asked first and given options. Why would you dictate dictate how someone else spends their holidays family or otherwise.

for your DD. She’s made a very grown up judgement there. Shame her DF can’t see the young woman rather than the child he’s trying to talk to.

I would expect my dd to go. We had a similar situation and they both understood the family expectation to be there. Sure it wasn’t the most exciting experience of their lives and they had to juggle their school work assignments etc but it wasn’t about them - it was about their grandparents and time together as an extended family. I can totally understand her father’s reaction.

What's the normal procedure for holidays - specifically half term holidays - for your dd? I'm assuming you and your ex must communicate in some way and make decisions in advance so you don't both book to take her away at the same time... Would she normally be with you or him at half term - do you alternate or just agree as you go along...??? curious, because I think it probably has a bearing on how reasonable she is to expect to be staying at home and how much her dad can expect her to go away with them without asking her beforehand... (sorry for lack of carriage returns - seems to be a sitewide problem tonight!)