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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About 16yr old dd going on family holiday?

180 replies

alifromtheforest · 18/09/2018 09:43

Her father and I split when she was 2. We have always had a brilliant relationship with no issues and he has gone above and beyond to be an excellent father.

His mother is about to be 70 and they're going on a big family holiday to the Maldives (about 10 of them) to celebrate. They are very wealthy and these holidays happen not infrequently. On this occasion they're going for ten days across the October half term.

Dd is almost 17 and after a rough few months has really settled socially. Holidays are the only time that she and her best friends can properly get together to hang out because they're all at separate boarding schools.

Dd really, REALLY does not want to go on this holiday. She's been saying this for weeks. I started out with the attitude of "This is a special holiday and you have the rest of your life to socialise", but from what I've heard about this holiday it's not going to be very enjoyable for her (days and events centred around her six young cousins, aged between 6 years and 3 months).

She knows the flight has been paid for (around £400) and that they will be very disappointed/angry if she doesn't go.

I'm stuck! On the one hand, she has consistently been saying for weeks that she doesn't want to go. Things are being organised during the half term by her friends that she really wants to go, seeing as she hardly sees them during term time. She also has a large pile of work which is building up because she's just started A-Levels and they've been told that there will be a big project over the half term which won't be feasible for her to complete abroad.

She isn't behaving badly over this at all. She says it in a sad tone and does understand the potential disappointment. There's no stamping of feet or anything.

I'm torn - make her go or accept that she's 17 in a month and respect her decision not to go? I remember holidaying in the US around her age and I hated it. I was just too old for the type of holiday and I really, really missed my friends and felt very left out. I still remember the frustration, boredom and resentment! Like her, I'd struggled socially for quite a while and this period of time was very precious to me.

I'm totally split here. What to do?????

OP posts:
rosablue · 24/09/2018 23:53

oh and expecting dd to go to granny's special birthday celebrations - absolutely for lunch or the day (assuming it's not a school day), pretty much yes if going for a weekend away (although again - depending on other commitments - sports teams and similar that you have made long term commitments to and where others are relying on you to turn up - not so simple)... But for an entire half term holiday - particularly when your parents are separated and you might have expectations of seeing both of them as you board - I think that's going a bit far to have just expected it and booked regardless, I would have expected discussions first.

Italiangreyhound · 25/09/2018 00:42

alifromtheforest I think you have made the right decision to support your dd and to let her explain to her dad.

"She wasn't asked before booking, it was just assumed." Sounds like her dad and his parents need to start thinking of her as an adult and asking her if she wants to join them instead of just assuming.

It's not rude not to want to go on holiday with someone/family, it is rude to assume you don't even need to ask. Whether she is 16 or 17 or 5, they should have asked and checked before booking.

EleanorShellstrop · 25/09/2018 00:54

If it was a special weekend at a hotel in Lyme Regis or St Ives to celebrate Grandma's 70th, or a posh lunch out in London, then I would absolutely expect a 16 year old to go. But I think it's very unfair to expect them to give up their entire half term holiday, especially at such an important time in their education.

SleightOfMind · 25/09/2018 01:11

We have big gaps between our DC. We sometimes go on trips that thrill the little ones but would fill DD1, 17, with horror. Forcing a teenager to go on a holiday they don’t want is a recipe for misery. I’d definitely pull rank for them to scrub up and play nice at a birthday party. Two weeks holiday celebration you don’t want to be at would be a big ask for a grown up. Stand up for your DD and find a way to get her out of this without upsetting anyone.

PositivelyPERF · 25/09/2018 01:16

You did the right thing, OP. If he’s insisting on ignoring her wishes and treating her like a child, then you know he’s expecting her to run around after the kids and be the babysitter.

MissEliza · 25/09/2018 01:18

Revision is the priority here. At the same age as your dd, my favourite aunt got married in a fabulous location but I chose not to go because of revision. I don't regret it.

Honeyroar · 25/09/2018 01:55

I think you and she are very self centred and thoughtless. You've had a family holiday together and she's had a whole month with your parents yet a holiday with the father's family for her grandmother's special birthday is "taking too much time up"!! Using A levels is a bit pathetic too, if she can't get organised and ahead of her work now, or take work out with her then she's doing something wrong in her study plans. Her father has a point, she's succeeded in making him and his family feel unimportant and way down the pecking order, you've helped bring her up like that. Saying she's had a load of lovely holidays over the past few years and won't be that excited by this one just emphasises how spoiled she is. You say your ex has been an amazing dad and always bern friendly. Why treat him so badly then!

Ignoramusgiganticus · 25/09/2018 02:04

I think you need to stay totally out of it. She needs to negotiate that relationship on her own. She's disappointing her father, but she's growing up and it's up to her if she wants to stand up to him or not.

Smallhorse · 25/09/2018 02:16

I’m aghast that a 16 year old has had so many fancy trips that they would find an all expenses paid trip to the Maldives boring. I genuinely genuinely cannot get my head around that.

Smallhorse · 25/09/2018 02:17

And her dad is right - she IS choosing friends over family. I can can see why he would be upset and I think your daughter is in the wrong

PollyFlinderz · 25/09/2018 02:23

paid trip to the Maldives boring. 10 days in the Maldives could very well be boring at that age, any age actually.

Splurge77 · 25/09/2018 02:38

Using A levels is a bit pathetic too, if she can't get organised and ahead of her work now, or take work out with her then she's doing something wrong in her study plans.. OP said that DD was going to be given the project to complete over half term, so she can’t exactly do it in advance. She also said that the project isn’t feasible to do abroad, which is quite possible depending on the subject.

Splurge77 · 25/09/2018 02:57

And her dad is right - she IS choosing friends over family. I can can see why he would be upset and I think your daughter is in the wrong
She’s choosing friends and studying over family because her family have ultimately made it an ultimatum by booking the trip for the entire half term. They ought to have discussed it with her before booking. Could have compromised by going somewhere a shorter flight time away so she could have flown out or come back early. And as much as I love my grandmother, even if I didn’t have projects to complete I don’t think I’d have been eager to spend my whole half term at her birthday party.

SenecaFalls · 25/09/2018 03:37

What about some sort of compromise? Could she just go for a few days, rather than the whole half term?

yakari · 25/09/2018 03:56

Sorry I think it's been handled poorly on all sides. If your DD doesn't want to go on these types of holidays she should have taken this as an opportunity to say this would have been the last one she went on, not she didn't want to go on this one - especially given its not a holiday as much as a birthday celebration.
Now it doesn't matter what happens there will be ill feelings somewhere either from her or the family. If she goes, hopefully she is mature enough not to be sulky and if she doesn't go in the end she must organise a gift that is personal and heartfelt for her grandmother.
Moving forward she needs to realise she's lucky to have the offers of such fabulous trips and so needs to be clear and consistent on when she goes and when she studies. It's part of growing up but she needs to learn to navigate these choices better than she had done.

Nightwatch999 · 25/09/2018 04:03

Sorry OP but its paid for, your DD will have to go.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/09/2018 04:57

What your ex has said about your dd is very hurtful. It sounds as if a them and us situation has now arisen. Is your ex mil or his family judgmental? It sounds as if he is trying to save face.................I think pps have a good idea of just going for a few days. The issue is also the very lengthy flight time so even if she stayed 3 days that would be almost 5............. I would stay out of it from now on. Perhaps your dd could call / message / visit her grandma and leave her father out of it for the time being. He is not acting like an adult.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 25/09/2018 05:11

Her dad has acted like a massive prick. She’s 16, not 6, and should have been consulted before the trip was booked. It’s not just a weekend or birthday tea. It’s her whole half term. If her dad is kicking off about her choosing family or friends, he needs to realise: he’s the one drawing lines, not her, and he’s pushing her away with his refusal to consider her wishes.

KnotsInMay · 25/09/2018 05:15

I completely understand why she doesn’t want to go, it’s quite a thing to take up a whole half term for someone else’s birthday, however much she loves her Gran and Dad. I would stick with the ‘it isn’t personal, she loved her gran and you and family but 10 days is too long at half term”. The person she should really be communicating with is her gran. She should make the effort to go and see her before or after as a birthday visit.

llangennith · 25/09/2018 05:37

She's made her decision and had the courage to tell her father face to face. Now you, OP, need to have the courage to support your DD in the face of her father's nastiness. Stop trying to appease your Ex, and start comforting your DD.

Aridane · 25/09/2018 05:37

I think you are both thoughtless

Aridane · 25/09/2018 05:38

Only on Mumsnet - Maldives, meh

KittyMcKitty · 25/09/2018 07:27

All of you saying he should have asked her first etc etc are you genuinely saying you ask your child (16 is a child) whether they want to come on a trip to celebrate their grandmothers birthday and would leave them at home if they said they’d rather not? OP if it was your mothers birthday and you were all going off and dd said “I’d rather stay at home and party” would you be fine about that and just leave her at home? I feel tge homework is a read herring- boarding school will not let it slip and there will be many girls away over half term. OP you really need to take responsibility for this mess - you have meddled with phoning her dad and texting her things to say. It was cler from your first message that you viewed her paternal grandmothers birthday as little importance and just another in the long list of tediously glamorous holidays she’s been on this year. Tbh you have engineered this disaster and need to take responsibility for damaging your daughters relationship with her father and paternal family. If you don’t want this damage to be lasting rather then agreeing with your dd that she doesn’t need to see her father and that he’s a big meanie you should put some effort into sorting the mess out.

KnotsInMay · 25/09/2018 08:06

I know 3 teens who this year (at this age) have declined family holidays or come home early from them. It really is important to take their feelings and needs into account. I wouldn’t presume to ‘buy’ 10 days of my granddaughter’s time for my birthday! The OP says she has had a rough time socially. There really isn’t much to do on a Maldives island. My teen was bored this summer on a holiday with adults and young ones. Doing 4 A levels, they really do have to work this year: predicated grades for Uni applications will be based on exams this year. I would give my teen a takkkng to about reluctance to spend a long weekend for a family birthday, but not 10 days. You can’t buy people.

Hoppinggreen · 25/09/2018 08:11

The fact that it’s somehwere exotic ( some people letting their jealousy show) is irrelevant. She doesn’t want to go and has explained that in a mature way and her Dad is being nasty - although to be fair he might be expressing his disappointment badly. Whether Its Maldives or Margate she doesn’t want to go and that should be the end of it

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