Just lost my sh!t! ExDP allowing DD age 7 to play outside unsupervised. AIBU?

[chickhonhoneybabe]

I have lots of background sh!t with DD’s (age 7) DF whom I split with when she was nearly 2 years old. He left me after I just finished chemo and wasn’t in a good place mentally, for his wife who I found out recently he has been married to for 5 years! (He lied when I asked him if he was married a few years a go, and it’s only recently I’ve found out after a friend spoke to his wife and she’d mentioned they’ve been married for 5 years!)

The marriage actually happened whist he was still coming home and playing happy families a year after he moved out of the family home (we were never married). At the time he had moved out and was coming back and forth (we were still sleeping together), as I thought we were working on things as we’d had a tough time with me having chemo and a baby and thought he just needed some time out due to the pressure. Things came to a head one day when he had his things packed which he had at home saying he was going on holiday which I went mental about as I knew nothing about this planned holiday and we’d been discussing going on one as a family. After 2 weeks of his phone being switched off I tracked him down to him saying he was in America. After the holiday he wanted nothing to do with me and I later found out he’d moved his new girlfriend (wife) in to the apartment he’s renting (she’s American so he’d gone out there to marry her I’ve now found out five years after the event...)

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to my AIBU, I just wanted to highlight the man has form for lying and not a trustworthy character.

ExDp lives in an affluent area on a new build estate. My DD (age 7) this evening mentioned that she’d been to the local shop with her friends yesterday (apparently they’re aged 7 and 10), and that her dad lets her play outside unsupervised with them (it’s quite a big estate with lots of cul de sac roads and a play area, and the shop is on a busy main road).

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all. The shop is also next to a main road FFS!

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD as it’s not safe for her to be outside unsupervised but he thinks I’m mad and stopping her from having friends. That’s not what it’s about, I’m worried about her safety! I don’t give a flying fuck if the area is suppose to be nice, there’s weirdos everywhere and at that age she shouldn’t be outside unsupervised.

AIBU? How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?

(I mentioned where he lives as I think he’s got it into his head because of where he lives she’s ok. But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s)

What do you think can be achieved by leaving unsupervised children in public?

Independence. Which is what all good parenting should be aimed at.

The goal of good parenting is ensuring that your children will eventually not need you. This is one of the first steps.

Leaving a 7 year old unsupervised on the street is not teaching independence.

Lucky for me I live on a main road, so my children don't ever ask to play out. I habe of course allowed my children independence by catching buses, going swimming, walking to a friend's house, and a whole load of other things. But not playing on a street, and not at 7. My eldest was 9 when he started walking to friends, and then gradually extending from there over the 2 years before high school.

Playing with kids in the street round here just leads to trouble. Kids falling out, having to deal with other knobhead parents, accidents, and a whole heap of other crap I do not have time for in my life.

There is nothing at all wrong with letting children play out with their friends. I don’t live in an area where my 11 year old can play out so she cycles two miles to her friends which is a far more child friendly. She loves it.

I have allowed my dc to play outside unsupervised both on their own and with other children in locations similar to where your exdp lives. In others I would not. In this respect I believe yabu

My children have never played out. We live in London and my 15 year old gets around on the tube, takes himself off to various activities planning his journey before he goes, he even plans some of our holidays and weekends away right down to the train journeys, flights timings etc. I guarantee there's adults on this thread who played out when they were younger who would be nervous to have to get around London they way he does. I have absolutely no concerns about his independence and I have no concerns about him missing out. The sneery judgment of people whose kids don't play out is laughable. Where I live a 7 year old playing out would be something unusual and they'd probably be from a rough, neglectful family. I'll probably be roasted for that but believe it or not the judgment and sneeriness can go both ways and those who advocate playing out as essential are not automatically in the right even though you honestly believe you are.

OP one of the most important aspects of child protection is maintaining open and honest communication between you and your child. If you lose your shit or stop her seeing her father when she tells you stuff, she will simply stop telling you stuff.

You really need to get help to deal with your feelings for her father. They are getting in the way of you effectively parenting your DD.

CarolDanvers it's true here too. And I'm nowhere near London. It's the rough parents who allow their kids to play out.

Rural areas are probably quite different. My OH grew up in a small place where everyone knew everyone else. It was normal there.

I grew up in a new build estate in the 90's full of mostly "professional" type parents. Only one or two families allowed their children to play out. The rest played in houses and gardens.

Am I a rough parent because my daughter plays out?!

How ridiculous.

No one said you were. Just that where I am, and where the other poster is, this rings true.

You said it’s the rough parents that let their kids play out. You never said “it’s the rough parents in my area that let their kids play out” and even if you did that would still be incorrect.

Read my post again carefully.

I stated that it's true here too. In response to a previous poster.

And no, I wouldn't be incorrect as it is an observation from my own life. Which isn't your observation from your life. An observation is someone's perspective.

I read your post. Carefully.

Then you aren't reading it properly.

I read your post properly. Aren’t you the poster who has never let her kids play out?

Yes I am one of them. Why?

I read your post properly. Aren’t you the poster who has never let her kids play out?

And why is that a bad thing? I'm a prison nurse and my child sure as hell won't be playing out unsupervised!!!

fruit I’m a cop and mine do.

Oh it’s clear that Thismustbemydream meant where they live, because she was agreeing with me who also said it about where I live. It seems like you’re nit picking and pretending otherwise so you can take offence. Shame if you don’t like having that said about others who parent like you but then all of us who are told our parenting is wanting and our poor children will be obese potatoes who can’t do anything independently without clinging onto our legs don’t much like that either. Your experience is your experience and clearly works for you. Mine is mine and works for me. The criticism goes both ways even if you are toeing the MN party line and are all puffed up and convinced of the rightness of your choice.

Nick why? If you are aware of the sheer numbers of sex offenders, grooming offences and attempted abductions why would you take that risk with the most precious people in your life?

I'll let my kid make their own way back from secondary school, I sure as hell wouldn't let a 7 year old play out on the street unsupervised!

OP looks like it's time to teach your DD some life skills and personal safety because even if her dad stops letting her play out unsupervised now there will be other scenarios just round the corner where she will need to have her wits about her. At friend's houses, school camp or what about in an emergency such as losing sight of you in a busy shopping centre?

I wish we lived somewhere that my 7 year old DD could go to the shop or play out with friends.

And fruit you will be aware of most relationships between offenders and victims and it isn’t strangers when kids are playing outside.

Nick does grooming not concern you then? I'm not worried about abduction by a stranger... lets be completely honest, sexual offences against children are very common, the more time children are left unsupervised the broader the opportunities for grooming can be.

Grooming online worries me more than being out on her bike with her pals.

Ahhh well I have a IT tech DP to deal with that 😉

In RL I know hardly any parents who let their children out at 7 yo completely unsupervised. MN seems to think that after about 5 yo kids can go out, stay at home etc alone, it's definitely not something I have come across in RL. It's definitely more common about 10yo in preparation for seniors around here. Admittedly it's a busy city, but still 7 sounds young.

However I would say a sensible conversation would be more appropriate rather than losing it with him but I still wouldn't be ok with her being out alone at that age.