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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just lost my sh!t! ExDP allowing DD age 7 to play outside unsupervised. AIBU?

300 replies

chickhonhoneybabe · 17/09/2018 23:10

I have lots of background sh!t with DD’s (age 7) DF whom I split with when she was nearly 2 years old. He left me after I just finished chemo and wasn’t in a good place mentally, for his wife who I found out recently he has been married to for 5 years! (He lied when I asked him if he was married a few years a go, and it’s only recently I’ve found out after a friend spoke to his wife and she’d mentioned they’ve been married for 5 years!)

The marriage actually happened whist he was still coming home and playing happy families a year after he moved out of the family home (we were never married). At the time he had moved out and was coming back and forth (we were still sleeping together), as I thought we were working on things as we’d had a tough time with me having chemo and a baby and thought he just needed some time out due to the pressure. Things came to a head one day when he had his things packed which he had at home saying he was going on holiday which I went mental about as I knew nothing about this planned holiday and we’d been discussing going on one as a family. After 2 weeks of his phone being switched off I tracked him down to him saying he was in America. After the holiday he wanted nothing to do with me and I later found out he’d moved his new girlfriend (wife) in to the apartment he’s renting (she’s American so he’d gone out there to marry her I’ve now found out five years after the event...)

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to my AIBU, I just wanted to highlight the man has form for lying and not a trustworthy character.

ExDp lives in an affluent area on a new build estate. My DD (age 7) this evening mentioned that she’d been to the local shop with her friends yesterday (apparently they’re aged 7 and 10), and that her dad lets her play outside unsupervised with them (it’s quite a big estate with lots of cul de sac roads and a play area, and the shop is on a busy main road).

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all. The shop is also next to a main road FFS!

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD as it’s not safe for her to be outside unsupervised but he thinks I’m mad and stopping her from having friends. That’s not what it’s about, I’m worried about her safety! I don’t give a flying fuck if the area is suppose to be nice, there’s weirdos everywhere and at that age she shouldn’t be outside unsupervised.

AIBU? How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?

(I mentioned where he lives as I think he’s got it into his head because of where he lives she’s ok. But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s)

OP posts:
ThisMustBeMyDream · 18/09/2018 23:32

Neither does mine 🤷.

But if she is unsupervised, how do you know that? Unless you are watching. In which case , she is supervised.

LittleLionMansMummy · 18/09/2018 23:32

What is it with all the 'roaming the streets' language? In my case, he's with friends, right outside my front door in our cul de sac, or less than 50 metres away on the green - where other children play. I doubt many advocates of outdoor play allow their 7yo dc to 'roam the streets' willy nilly, without any form of boundaries. There's an awful lot of snobbery on here about parents who allow their dc to play outdoors that I had absolutely no idea existed in rl. It's normal around here to see children playing football on the green, sometimes with adults, sometimes without.

Nicknacky · 18/09/2018 23:33

She is unsupervised yes. But she is 11 out with her friends.

I’m not going to cycle behind her 😂

ittakes2 · 18/09/2018 23:41

I think you know your own child. I have twins - my daughter is about 3-4 years more advanced when it comes to common sense than her twin brother. I don't think a 10 year old is old enough to take responsibility on the streets for a 7 year old friend.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 18/09/2018 23:47

Then at 11, she is roaming the streets.

Nicknacky · 18/09/2018 23:51

between the hours of 4-6 she is at her friends house, cycling round the primary school then going to the shop before she comes home, she’s not in a gang terrorising pensioners.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 19/09/2018 00:02

So she isn't playing out unsupervised.

Nicknacky · 19/09/2018 00:04

Yes she isn’t supervised. Apart from nipping into her pals for a drink of water.

OkPedro · 19/09/2018 00:18

My 7 year old plays outside but I can always see where he is, he's played on our road since he was 4. He has great road sense, and is street smart. Imo this sets them up for being teenagers when we have to let them loose..
Most accidents happen in the home by the way not when children are playing outdoors

ThisMustBeMyDream · 19/09/2018 00:24

She isn't playing out. She is going directly to a friend's home, to the shop and home. You know where she is. She isn't playing on a street with a bunch of mates. Therefore she isn't 'playing out'.

Nicknacky · 19/09/2018 00:28

Why are you telling me where my daughter is? She doesn't go directly to a friends, she pops in for a drink or a pee. She cycles around the school, streets and beach with her pals. Why is that so hard to understand?

OkPedro · 19/09/2018 00:30

You're being ridiculous thismustbemydream
What do you think playing outside is??

ThisMustBeMyDream · 19/09/2018 00:34

It's what you wrote.
Now you have re-written it, she is playing out unsupervised.

So she is roaming the streets - on her bike. You seem to take offence at this? Roam - definition; to move about or travel, especially without a clear idea of what you are going to do.

Nicknacky · 19/09/2018 00:36

She is playing unsupervised. I have clearly no issue with that and call it "roaming" if it makes you feel better.

What's the issue with her being unsupervised?

ThisMustBeMyDream · 19/09/2018 00:36

Read back okpedro. I've already talked at length about the differences between playing out and going to the shops, or on a bus, or to a friend's house.

CarolDanvers · 19/09/2018 00:36

There's an awful lot of snobbery on here about parents who allow their dc to play outdoors that I had absolutely no idea existed in rl.

I think people are always surprised when a “truth” is challenged. There’s this quite romanticised viewpoint on MN and in society in general really that children should be experiencing supposed wonderful freedoms outside with their friends and that they’ll be fat, terrified, insular lumps if they don’t. Because that is so accepted as being The Right Viewpoint people tend to find it a bit of shock when those who don’t agree turn it around and criticise it, almost as if the advocates of free roaming children are above reproach somehow. If you go through this thread equally unpleasant things have been said about the children who don’t tend to be out and about but somehow that’s ok isn’t it?

Nicknacky · 19/09/2018 00:36

You haven't talked at length at all 😂

CarolDanvers · 19/09/2018 00:38

You’re not being ridiculous at all thismustbe mydream. You’re just not on The Right Side Of The Argument Smile.

Nicknacky · 19/09/2018 00:40

Which is what? Kids can't play out?

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 19/09/2018 00:41

What do you think playing outside is??

I honestly think that judging by this thread, it means different things to people.

For some, it's playing nearby, with neighbours' children, but out of the home/garden with a degree of independence. For others, it's going further afield.

I always find it odd that MNers tend to be pretty good generally at accepting different parenting styles, but the Playing Out issue always seems to bring out a degree of intolerance around how other people do things.

FluffySlipperSocks · 19/09/2018 00:43

7 is way too young to be hanging around unsupervised and especially going to the shop. I'd say playing outside, directly in front of the house is fine

ThisMustBeMyDream · 19/09/2018 00:51

Yes I have Nicknacky. But you don't appear to read much of what others write unless it is a criticism.
I can happily copy and paste everything I've written should it be required 🙄.

Nicknacky · 19/09/2018 00:55

On you go then! Feel free.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 19/09/2018 01:12

I'll save it for the morning, just for you nicknacky. I'll pop it on my to do list 😉

OkPedro · 19/09/2018 01:26

I suppose the memories I have being a child playing outside everyday in the summer cloud my view.
We built forts, picked blackberries, played kick the can, kerbs and red rover. We fought and made up the same day. We always had a bike with us. We made up silly games and put on talent shows.
I feel sorry for children who don't experience that.. I'm not being an arsehole, I know everyone's circumstances and living arrangements are different
But society has changed so much and not for the better. I hate that my dc would prefer to watch youtube than go out on their bikes.
I think we're too over protective but then that's only my opinion

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