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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just lost my sh!t! ExDP allowing DD age 7 to play outside unsupervised. AIBU?

300 replies

chickhonhoneybabe · 17/09/2018 23:10

I have lots of background sh!t with DD’s (age 7) DF whom I split with when she was nearly 2 years old. He left me after I just finished chemo and wasn’t in a good place mentally, for his wife who I found out recently he has been married to for 5 years! (He lied when I asked him if he was married a few years a go, and it’s only recently I’ve found out after a friend spoke to his wife and she’d mentioned they’ve been married for 5 years!)

The marriage actually happened whist he was still coming home and playing happy families a year after he moved out of the family home (we were never married). At the time he had moved out and was coming back and forth (we were still sleeping together), as I thought we were working on things as we’d had a tough time with me having chemo and a baby and thought he just needed some time out due to the pressure. Things came to a head one day when he had his things packed which he had at home saying he was going on holiday which I went mental about as I knew nothing about this planned holiday and we’d been discussing going on one as a family. After 2 weeks of his phone being switched off I tracked him down to him saying he was in America. After the holiday he wanted nothing to do with me and I later found out he’d moved his new girlfriend (wife) in to the apartment he’s renting (she’s American so he’d gone out there to marry her I’ve now found out five years after the event...)

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to my AIBU, I just wanted to highlight the man has form for lying and not a trustworthy character.

ExDp lives in an affluent area on a new build estate. My DD (age 7) this evening mentioned that she’d been to the local shop with her friends yesterday (apparently they’re aged 7 and 10), and that her dad lets her play outside unsupervised with them (it’s quite a big estate with lots of cul de sac roads and a play area, and the shop is on a busy main road).

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all. The shop is also next to a main road FFS!

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD as it’s not safe for her to be outside unsupervised but he thinks I’m mad and stopping her from having friends. That’s not what it’s about, I’m worried about her safety! I don’t give a flying fuck if the area is suppose to be nice, there’s weirdos everywhere and at that age she shouldn’t be outside unsupervised.

AIBU? How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?

(I mentioned where he lives as I think he’s got it into his head because of where he lives she’s ok. But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s)

OP posts:
Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 17/09/2018 23:35

I’ll suggest that he regularly checks on her and no more shop visits until she’s a bit older.

OP posts:
AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 17/09/2018 23:35

I think 10 is a bit late to start allowing independent play outdoors. For perspective, at 10 my DS was getting a bus to school in the morning, and sometimes walking home to his great grandmother's house a mile away. I let him nip to the shop from the next street from around 8.

However if your DD does have additional needs, I can understand your reluctance. If she is just immature though, mixing with other children outside the home and outside of a school setting could help with that. It's a tough one for sure.

VillageCats · 17/09/2018 23:36

Oh dear . You're going to need to backpedal fast and explain you were caught up in the moment. You can't legally withhold contact and a court would take a very dim view if you did...maybe have a conversation about your concerns and let him know you won't be withholding contact. He must be very upset if he thinks he isn't going to see his daughter and you don't want him running to a solicitor.

Nacreous · 17/09/2018 23:39

So you think she has additional needs which are currently undiagnosed and that’s why you are concerned?

Do you think your past troubles have coloured your current interactions with him? It sounds to me like an opportunity to discuss your concerns, come up with a compromise plan and work out a plan of action for either heading towards diagnosis (if you think that’s what she needs) or bringing her world-interaction skills up to speed of both - together. Telling him he can’t have her unsupervised again isn’t gonna be conducive to a good co-parenting relationship, no matter how much of an arse he’s been in the past.

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 17/09/2018 23:41

I’m not going to stop contact, I was cross as he knows what her behaviour is like.

I’m not sure which shop she went to, but will have to cross at least one minor road to get to the shop that’s on a busy main road.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/09/2018 23:42

Sounds like a good plan OP and a fair compromise. Have a good talk to her about strangers and what to do in various scenarios as well (I am sure you will/have) and also reassure yourself that it is very rare for a stranger to harm an unknown child, despite the high profile cases. Road safety is far more pertinent so her dad should be absolutely confident about her safety on the roads and you can ask him to discuss this with her in reference to the specific roads near his house. For example we tell my children not to go past number 1 on our street (as this is approaching a busier road)

Rebecca36 · 17/09/2018 23:43

Depends what you mean by playing outside. I don't approve of playing in the street, never did it nor did anyone else where I lived as a child and it was the same where I lived when I had kid. They played in eachother's back garden. When older than seven they'd go out on bikes to the local park with friend or friends, there comes a time when you have to let them do things independently.

So, no, I do not think you are unreasonable to object. Going to the local shop with older friends sounds OK but not playing out at the front of the house, on display to all and sundry.

EthelHornsby · 17/09/2018 23:43

YABU - if she is so unworldly at 7, you need to work on this with her, not keep her inside. 7 is not unreasonable to walk to the shop in a group with older children. I was catching the school bus on my own at this age

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/09/2018 23:45

For what it's worth I admire you and all parents who have to share care with an ex (particularly if they have been mistreated by the ex.) I would not cope very well with the lack of control and with someone I didn't respect having 50% say over the upbringing of my children so while I think YABU I totally understand why.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/09/2018 23:46

but not playing out at the front of the house, on display to all and sundry

Thanks rebecca you've cheered me up on a fairly miserable Monday evening.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/09/2018 23:47

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all

she has zero boundaries, she’ll talk to anyone

Why are people wilfully ignoring what the OP has said about her DD just to shoehorn in their own views (classic MN playbook) that she SHOULD be playing outside regardless of any other factors?

And why should a 10 year old 'friend' have responsibility for a child who is in need of support with boundaries, stranger danger etc.? What if the 10 year old isn't particularly great at taking care of younger kids?

YANBU OP.

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 17/09/2018 23:48

I’ll speak to her about stranger danger again, and suggest to her dad she stays near his house in future.

One of my concerns (again probably irrational) is although it’s a nice estate that he lives on, there’s been a number of shootings and stabbings in that particular area recently.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 17/09/2018 23:48

I get you LittleLionMansMummy Smile

SpacePenguin · 17/09/2018 23:49

It's not what you want to hear, but I agree with the majority that YABU. Your dd should absolutely be allowed out unsupervised at 7. If you find this challenging, you could start slowly increasing the amount of independence she has while she's with you. If you worry about her critical thinking skills (or lack thereof), you could work with her to improve her skills. Your dd will benefit hugely from this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/09/2018 23:49

I know you’re worried about her OP but as she’s playing with her friends she won’t be wandering off with strangers.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 17/09/2018 23:49

...sorry, YABNU to be annoyed about the playing out - the 'no contact' issue is separate, and I'm afraid YAprobablyBU on that!

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 17/09/2018 23:52

Thanks SheGotBetteDavisEyes

It’s awful co parenting especially with different parenting styles. garethsouthgatesmrs

OP posts:
Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 17/09/2018 23:56

The estate that exdp is mostly open plan cul de sacs with a mix of town houses and apartments. Ex lives in an apartment so there’s no garden to play in. The children play in the street or in the play area, I’m not sure if the friends DD play with have a garden but will ask her tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 17/09/2018 23:58

Ok I accept I’m being unreasonable. I’ll speak to DD and the ex about appropriate boundaries and stranger danger

OP posts:
WittyFuck · 17/09/2018 23:59

Disagree with lots here. No way would my child be out playing at 7 yo.

LibertyHill · 18/09/2018 00:00

Your history with her DF is totally irrelevant here and it sounds like you have posted it to skew people's views of him prior to asking your question to gain favour. You sound very bitter and angry with a lot of unresolved issues.

My guess is you've been waiting for an opportunity like this to arise.

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 00:02

WittyFuck it’s my preference too, but there’s naff all I can do about it, so I’ll have to talk to her about boundaries and stranger danger..

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 18/09/2018 00:03

there’s been a number of shootings and stabbings in that particular area recently
Shock

This would terrify me. Unfortunately I don't think it changes your rights but a rational conversation with him is best and hopefully you feel reassured by the number of 7 year olds who clearly are playing out (judging by this thread)

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 00:06

LibertyHill I admit the background is irrelevant and I’m bias. That man sent me to hell and back, and continues to lie and try and try to manipulate me. That’s another story.. I’d prefer that DD didn’t see him ever, but I know that she needs to have him in her life but I need to make sure that she’s safe when with him.

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 18/09/2018 00:09

Please don't talk to her about 'stranger danger'. Talk to her instead about not going off with anyone without first asking you or dh if it's ok. Kids don't just go off with complete strangers, they go off a lot easier with people they know a little, who actually pose the greater risk.