Just lost my sh!t! ExDP allowing DD age 7 to play outside unsupervised. AIBU?

[chickhonhoneybabe]

I have lots of background sh!t with DD’s (age 7) DF whom I split with when she was nearly 2 years old. He left me after I just finished chemo and wasn’t in a good place mentally, for his wife who I found out recently he has been married to for 5 years! (He lied when I asked him if he was married a few years a go, and it’s only recently I’ve found out after a friend spoke to his wife and she’d mentioned they’ve been married for 5 years!)

The marriage actually happened whist he was still coming home and playing happy families a year after he moved out of the family home (we were never married). At the time he had moved out and was coming back and forth (we were still sleeping together), as I thought we were working on things as we’d had a tough time with me having chemo and a baby and thought he just needed some time out due to the pressure. Things came to a head one day when he had his things packed which he had at home saying he was going on holiday which I went mental about as I knew nothing about this planned holiday and we’d been discussing going on one as a family. After 2 weeks of his phone being switched off I tracked him down to him saying he was in America. After the holiday he wanted nothing to do with me and I later found out he’d moved his new girlfriend (wife) in to the apartment he’s renting (she’s American so he’d gone out there to marry her I’ve now found out five years after the event...)

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to my AIBU, I just wanted to highlight the man has form for lying and not a trustworthy character.

ExDp lives in an affluent area on a new build estate. My DD (age 7) this evening mentioned that she’d been to the local shop with her friends yesterday (apparently they’re aged 7 and 10), and that her dad lets her play outside unsupervised with them (it’s quite a big estate with lots of cul de sac roads and a play area, and the shop is on a busy main road).

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all. The shop is also next to a main road FFS!

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD as it’s not safe for her to be outside unsupervised but he thinks I’m mad and stopping her from having friends. That’s not what it’s about, I’m worried about her safety! I don’t give a flying fuck if the area is suppose to be nice, there’s weirdos everywhere and at that age she shouldn’t be outside unsupervised.

AIBU? How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?

(I mentioned where he lives as I think he’s got it into his head because of where he lives she’s ok. But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s)

fruit so what grooming are you worried about then by children being outside?

fruit so what grooming are you worried about then by children being outside?

If you really need to ask that question I'm sorry but I doubt you are a police officer.

I can guarantee I am and we have spoken preciously. I’m taking about a group of kids out on bikes, a park etc. What grooming exactly are you worried about? Strangers? Elder brothers? Their peers?

I brink you have to be careful when you work with the worst of society that you don’t curtail your children’s childhood because of that.

Why do people keep saying how nice the area is, as if that means anything? Are we still acting like bad things don't happen in 'nice' areas?

Anyway, yeah. You are being a bit over the top.

But at the same time you know your daughter, if she is naive and easily swayed then maybe you have a point.

I'll never understand why it's okay to let kids out to play on the streets, but not okay to leave them home alone. Or that mentality at least.

I'd not leave my under 10 home alone. I wouldn't let them wander the streets in the name of playing either.

I leave my 11 year old home alone and have for a year or so. She now cycles two miles or so to her pals to play. It’s not wrong to do that.

Yes, I said under 10. I left my 10 year old home alone for short periods and built them up.

My middle child will be extremely unlikely to be able to be left at 10 as he has SEN. But if he was NT I'd risk assess and leave him at a similar age too.

I'd not leave my under 10 home alone. I wouldn't let them wander the streets in the name of playing either.

What about when they go to secondary school in a year's time? Are you going to drop them at the door and pick them up at home time?

Are you going to drop them at the door and pick them up at home time?

Yes I do. Many parents still have to do this for secondary age children due to their individual circumstances. At least thirty parents wait outside my dds secondary school at home time. It's almost as if other people have entirely different lives and circumstances and have to act accordingly isn't it?

It's almost as if other people have entirely different lives and circumstances and have to act accordingly isn't it?

Which is the point I was making in response to a comment by another poster that they couldn't understand why other people parent differently.

Why do you need to pick them up at the door? Genuine question? I stopped doing that at 7/8 and my daughter comes to the car.

10 is very very different to 7yo though. Not comparable at all.

No. I live in walking distance of high school. I've already stated that I don't allow mine to play unsupervised on the street. But I do allow them to walk to friends houses at 8 (close houses) and then gradually build up to getting the bus, going to town, cinema, bowling, swimming and other more suitable activities where trouble, while not impossible, is less likely.

But why can’t they play with their friends? What’s your main concern?

I understand that not all streets (in fact, not many) are suitable for playing out on. But unsupervised play has clear benefits to the child.

www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/12/071218192030.htm

Nicknacky - if it was me in this situation my issue is that 7yos are not old enough to look after themselves. 10yo, totally fine. My view is probably skewed as we live in a very busy street, in a city. Children tend to be slightly older playing out round here, it is definitely unusual to see unsupervised 7yos out.

My DCs had plenty of unsupervised play in the house or garden but not out in the street. They don't need to be roaming the streets to learn independence.

If I lived in a more suitable area I would have my 7 year old play out. I feel bad I don’t! It’s only once my daughter got to 10 that she could go to her pals house to play out.

My bigger concerns (than paedophiles and what not) are the following:
Children are not the best judges of situations. They get themselves in to dangerous places, make reckless decisions - despite what they are taught. They go beyond the boundary you set. They cross the road you said not to...
Children fall out. You ever seen parents fighting over their kids falling out? I have on plenty of occasions. You can even read about it on MN. Not something I wish to be subjected to.
I have no interest in my neighbours or having their kids knock on my door. I'm busy. My kids are busy. They have friends to play with, but this is at a time that suits both families. And they are friends they have made through their lives, not just convenient on the doorstep friends.
I have a child with SEN who has behavioural problems who absolutely would be the kid who scratched the car, hit the other kid, or even if he didn't, would be blamed for it because he's "the naughty kid" (he's as naughty as any other kid can be - he has a medical condition which means his impulses are too strong to manage and will be for quite some time yet).
I have absolutely no desire to engage in any of the stuff that playing out could entail.
There are a whole heap of other ways to encourage independence, learn how to conduct themselves with others, form friendships and develop in to self sufficient, confident adults. For me, unsupervised playing out will only end in trouble, and is not for us.

Nicknacky - your example re school pick would not be feasible at my DCs school, the parking is limited round the school so I have to park in different places each time. DS2 who is 10 walks up the road to the senior school from juniors and waits for DS1 to come out. I park where I can and wander to meet them. There's a big catchment so a large amount of parents do this. No big deal. People's circumstances are different.

I definitely don't feel bad my kids didn't live somewhere they could roam the streets at 7yo though. They had plenty to do and have plenty of independence now. They are absolutely fine.

zany I parked in roughly the same area (sometimes different street) and she came and found me, and if she couldnt see me she would call.

Or at least that’s what happened until her younger sister started this year so I’m in the playground now.

My child doesn’t “roam” the streets.

I'll never understand why it's okay to let kids out to play on the streets, but not okay to leave them home alone

There are actually more hazards in the home than on a safe quiet cul de sac where children play with peers near their home and are frequently checked on. Stairs to fall down, appliances to blow up, an accident during food preparation, they could slip and fall and no-one would know. or just fall ill and have no-one to ask for help.

Obviously the hazards outside increase as more freedom is given. Walking to the shops out of sight and across a busy road, for example, is clearly more dangerous.