Just lost my sh!t! ExDP allowing DD age 7 to play outside unsupervised. AIBU?

[chickhonhoneybabe]

I have lots of background sh!t with DD’s (age 7) DF whom I split with when she was nearly 2 years old. He left me after I just finished chemo and wasn’t in a good place mentally, for his wife who I found out recently he has been married to for 5 years! (He lied when I asked him if he was married a few years a go, and it’s only recently I’ve found out after a friend spoke to his wife and she’d mentioned they’ve been married for 5 years!)

The marriage actually happened whist he was still coming home and playing happy families a year after he moved out of the family home (we were never married). At the time he had moved out and was coming back and forth (we were still sleeping together), as I thought we were working on things as we’d had a tough time with me having chemo and a baby and thought he just needed some time out due to the pressure. Things came to a head one day when he had his things packed which he had at home saying he was going on holiday which I went mental about as I knew nothing about this planned holiday and we’d been discussing going on one as a family. After 2 weeks of his phone being switched off I tracked him down to him saying he was in America. After the holiday he wanted nothing to do with me and I later found out he’d moved his new girlfriend (wife) in to the apartment he’s renting (she’s American so he’d gone out there to marry her I’ve now found out five years after the event...)

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to my AIBU, I just wanted to highlight the man has form for lying and not a trustworthy character.

ExDp lives in an affluent area on a new build estate. My DD (age 7) this evening mentioned that she’d been to the local shop with her friends yesterday (apparently they’re aged 7 and 10), and that her dad lets her play outside unsupervised with them (it’s quite a big estate with lots of cul de sac roads and a play area, and the shop is on a busy main road).

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all. The shop is also next to a main road FFS!

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD as it’s not safe for her to be outside unsupervised but he thinks I’m mad and stopping her from having friends. That’s not what it’s about, I’m worried about her safety! I don’t give a flying fuck if the area is suppose to be nice, there’s weirdos everywhere and at that age she shouldn’t be outside unsupervised.

AIBU? How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?

(I mentioned where he lives as I think he’s got it into his head because of where he lives she’s ok. But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s)

I absolutely loathe the inevitable sneering and 'but what do you think is going to happen, OP?' on these threads, and the horrible mocking of people's fears about having their child abducted.

I don't care what side of the fence you're on with the apparently incendiary subject of Playing Outside, sneering at someone for being worried that something will happen to their child - a fear that is frequently based rooted in anxiety or circumstances - is really unpleasant.

Not rtft. I understand exactly why you are feeling this way, but I do think yabu
This is a good opportunity to teach her stranger danger and to be street smart
We live in a place which sounds like where your ex is. With the exception of a shop. My dd has been playing outside along since she was 4/5 (within view of our house. This year we've allowed her to go round the cul de sac out of our sight and to the play area. She's 7 also and she has an absolute whale of a time with her friends. It will do your dd good to develop socially

Whatever you do, don't teach her Stranger Danger. It's a terrible way to try and keep children safe. The vast, vast, vast majority deliberate crimes committed against children are done so by adults they know. Remember that April Jones friends reported that she got into Mark Bridger's Land Rover saying that she knew him. Children need to learn not to go anywhere with anyone without the knowledge of their parents/guardians. Not even to a favourite uncle's house, not because you distrust your brother (for example), but because it's important for a potential abuser to know that you are on guard and you have trained your child to be.

Abusers pick easy targets and an easy target isn't a child that is allowed incremental independence as they get older. It is a child who's parent doesn't have awareness of how abusers operate and doesn't maintain an ongoing open dialogue with their child about what kind of adult behaviour is and isn't ok.

But in all honesty, abusers and abductors aren't a major factor in terms of safety when playing out. More relevant is road safety, water safety, and possibly fire and electricity safety. These are the real risks of playing out independently. But they are risks that it's best to learn about in increments of increasing independence as a child gets older. Waiting until she is 10 and suddenly giving her a lot more freedom could be a much riskier strategy than letting her work her way up from a younger age.

Yes but you shouldn’t let your anxieties impact on your children. Kids today are more at risk from being kept inside - poor motor skills, eyesight, social skills and poor mental health have all been linked to the decrease in outdoor, unsupervised play. And these issues are commonplace whereas stranger abductions are very rare.
Obviously people will disagree but that doesn’t make one way right and one wrong. While the ops dd is with her dad so long as she isn’t being neglected he will make the parental decisions as he sees fit as will the op when her dd is with her.

I think the background to your dp is relevant actually. He’s sounds reckless, selfish and unkind.

I’d hate it as well op but I know I have a problem with this. My son is 11 now and in secondary school and I’m like a different person. I feel at ease with his freedom and we worked our way up to it. My daughter is 9 and she’s not allowed out on her own, again I’ll work my up to it. She’s so trusting and ‘young’ it doesn’t matter how much I warn her about cars / strangers I don’t feel she’s emotionally mature enough (or maybe she is and it’s my problem 🤷🏻‍♀️).

Just wanted to say I completely get where you’re coming from. I bet having chemo has made you have a whole new outlook on life as well.

I empathise with you completely xx

Haven't read whole thread, but you're not being unreasonable to be concerned.

You are being COMPLETELY unreasonable to cut your daughter off from her dad over this. That's an awful, awful thing to do and it just seems like you've leapt on the chance to do it because you hate him so much.

I played in my backyard alone at 7, unsupervised. I didn't leave the yard though. That is too young.

I’m not lying about the recent events, there’s been a few incidents locally lately and in the town centre lately. It’s a northern town

So the incidents weren’t actually on his estate?

@strawberrisc you cannot say that your child did not have the childhood you wanted her to have because of your anxieties that are supposedly just like the OP. Your child had SN undiagnosed or not at the time. That would have impacted on every choice you made for her even without a formal diagnosis. You can't say don't prevent your child from having the childhood she could have had like I did, as a cautionary tale because your child could never have had that childhood anyway.

For all of those saying the OP is overreacting, have you not seen this?

OP I would be furious too, given the risks. Most people in society have no bloody idea how high the risks are....

So the incidents weren’t actually on his estate?

The OP's been quite consistent about this.

What bizarre answers. If a 7 year old went missing after going to the shops alone or with other kids similar in age even, then people would be asking why those irresponsible parents allowed that and why they considered a 10 year old to be old enough to watch out for them and blah blah blah.

I think the OP is a much better judge of her daughter's personality and how easily she might be tricked into going off with a stranger then a bunch of clucking Mumsnetters. 🙄

If a 7 year old went missing after going to the shops alone or with other kids similar in age even, then people would be asking why those irresponsible parents allowed that

Actually, no, we wouldn't. Anymore than we'd say why did they get in that car and have a car crash? Why did they leave their tumble drier on and cause a house fire?
The likelihood of being kidnapped by a stranger are so insanely low, you cannot simply keep children away from things that are good for them because of an, albeit terrifying, but very very very very unlikely scenario. You would simply never let your child do anything if you did.

A succinct response.

I think the OP is a much better judge of her daughter's personality and how easily she might be tricked into going off with a stranger then a bunch of clucking Mumsnetters. 🙄

What about her dad's opinion on her personality though? Clearly he doesn't share the same fears and feels she can be trusted to go out for short periods with friends.

You still haven't told us who you "lost your shit" with and what form that took.

My 16 year old has never 'played out'. My 5 and 3 year old won't be either.

God, that's dire.

Some people on this thread need to to get a sense of perspective. I know we all exist in our own bubbles to an extent, but "playing out"? This is NOT a "thing" that you have to do to bring up your child, and it's not "dire" not to do it, it's a little bit superior and snide to suggest that you know best when you don't live in other people's neighbourhood. Not everybody has the same options.
This wins my personal award for ridiculous comment on the thread though In Europe, and I've lived there previously for a long time, children as young as 4 with other children would go to the supermarket. My son at age 4 caught a bus to school. Europe. It's just one place. Just one, uniform place, where children are never kidnapped, everything is the same from one place to the next. And the UK isn't part of Europe at all.

DistanceCall, why? What do you think can be achieved by leaving unsupervised children in public?

Independence and a child who doesn't weep and cling the first time they MUST do something alone, such as catch a bus or walk to school.

I must be doing something well then, as none of mine have cried at being left to do something independently. Leaving them out on the street with a bunch of other supervised kids isn't going to help them catch a bus.

Teateaandmoretea

Sometimes I just can’t get my head round people. They will lock up their cars. Protect them from theft with keys and alarms yet let what should be the thing they hold most precious to wander unsupervised around the streets

But children aren't possessions they are people with their own minds

Agree entirely with this. Looking after children is the toughest job because from the moment they are concieved they are preparing for life without us. The less freedom we give them while they live with us the more trouble they will have coping with basic tasks in adulthood. Children are far more capable than we give them credit for.

The reality is that if we keep them "safely"inside with is all the time we deprive them of experiences, memories and challenges which are actually likely to make them safer in the long run as they will be more resilient and independent human beings.

ah mumsnet, where people are happy to tell you to take unnecessary risks because nothing bad ever happened to them.

Just come off another thread with a poster who ended up in hospital with dehydration and sepsis and hadn't been able to get up in 24h told she was silly for thinking of calling an ambulance.

Now this poster being told not to trust her judgement about her daughter and the area she knows.

Absolutely irresponsible.

In case there is any doubt on what i'm saying - YANBU to decide your daughter is not ready to play out.