Just lost my sh!t! ExDP allowing DD age 7 to play outside unsupervised. AIBU?

[chickhonhoneybabe]

I have lots of background sh!t with DD’s (age 7) DF whom I split with when she was nearly 2 years old. He left me after I just finished chemo and wasn’t in a good place mentally, for his wife who I found out recently he has been married to for 5 years! (He lied when I asked him if he was married a few years a go, and it’s only recently I’ve found out after a friend spoke to his wife and she’d mentioned they’ve been married for 5 years!)

The marriage actually happened whist he was still coming home and playing happy families a year after he moved out of the family home (we were never married). At the time he had moved out and was coming back and forth (we were still sleeping together), as I thought we were working on things as we’d had a tough time with me having chemo and a baby and thought he just needed some time out due to the pressure. Things came to a head one day when he had his things packed which he had at home saying he was going on holiday which I went mental about as I knew nothing about this planned holiday and we’d been discussing going on one as a family. After 2 weeks of his phone being switched off I tracked him down to him saying he was in America. After the holiday he wanted nothing to do with me and I later found out he’d moved his new girlfriend (wife) in to the apartment he’s renting (she’s American so he’d gone out there to marry her I’ve now found out five years after the event...)

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to my AIBU, I just wanted to highlight the man has form for lying and not a trustworthy character.

ExDp lives in an affluent area on a new build estate. My DD (age 7) this evening mentioned that she’d been to the local shop with her friends yesterday (apparently they’re aged 7 and 10), and that her dad lets her play outside unsupervised with them (it’s quite a big estate with lots of cul de sac roads and a play area, and the shop is on a busy main road).

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all. The shop is also next to a main road FFS!

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD as it’s not safe for her to be outside unsupervised but he thinks I’m mad and stopping her from having friends. That’s not what it’s about, I’m worried about her safety! I don’t give a flying fuck if the area is suppose to be nice, there’s weirdos everywhere and at that age she shouldn’t be outside unsupervised.

AIBU? How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?

(I mentioned where he lives as I think he’s got it into his head because of where he lives she’s ok. But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s)

Errrrrr DDs nearly 17 and still not "allowed" to play out on the streets. She's going somewhere to meet someone, to do something and will be back at a certain time or she will call me.

Not just hanging about on the street or a park. All are welcome at my house or any number of parents houses and always have been - they aren't 'supervised' when they here.

Not unreasonable since if I go out and say I will be going somewhere with someone and will be back at a specific time and my plans change I will call her to let her know too!

So 7 years old playing out? no way.

You think you know exactly where your 17 year old is at all times?
My Mam thought the same..
You don't know if she is hanging around the streets or the park.
I used to tell my Mam I was in a friends house but really we were all drinking vodka in the park

CarolDanvers parents like me have been called lazy on here, and our kids are apparently from 'rough families' because they're the only ones who allow children to play outside. That's hardly the same as arguing, as I have done, that it has benefits to children if you allow them to do it gradually, in a controlled way, having had lots of conversations about personal safety, and knowing your child's abilities and weaknesses. That's what I mean by snobbery. It's hardly surprising that if you're accused of being a shit parent it's going to provoke a response is it?

Fwiw, my idea of playing out is much the same as I grew up with. My parents lived in a quiet cul de sac too and it meant playing football and tennis, riding our bikes, using our imaginations to ghost hunt - all in the immediate vicinity. My parents were very clear that it didn't include 'roaming the streets' in large groups, wandering around aimlessly. That's pretty much what my ds's understanding is.

7 year old unsupervised outside but close to home is fine.

Everything else you mentioned clearly isn’t.

It's hardly surprising that if you're accused of being a shit parent it's going to provoke a response is it?

Indeed and as I have explained a couple of times now, it goes both ways ways but somehow the criticism seems to sting even more when you’re so sure that your way is the right way and are surprised that you’re being challenged. This thread and others like it are dominated by the Outdoor Playing Parents extolling the benefits and harshly criticising and expressing amazement at such terrible parenting of those that don’t. You’re just getting some back that’s all.

Why are people comparing 11yos with 7 yos, totally different discussion.

Also the estate that he lives on although it’s nice and is affluent, there’s been a series of shootings and stabbings lately in the area.

Can't see how shooting and stabbings are a danger to a seven-year old. It seems statistically unlikely that there are so many bullets flying around that they have a realistic chance of being caught in crossfire.

A seven-year-old girl is unlikely to be mistaken for a drug dealer or gang member, she should be in about as much danger from shooters and stabbers as the average lamp-post.

Firesuit your lamppost comment actually made me snort my breakfast out from laughing! 😂

I was trying to put across the fact even though she plays out on a what is concidered nice estate, no where in reality can be deemed as safe.

I’d also like to apologise to the posters who have been getting a hard time for their choices around children playing outside. Everyone parents differently, which is apparent on parenting forums like these.

To the poster who asked who I lost my shit with, it was EXDP, well I didn’t exactly it was more of a rant about DD not being sensible and having no common sense, which I’ve been trying to work on with her.

I live in a really safe area and my 8 year old goes out on her bike with her friends, I prefer her to be riding out with her friends she doesnt go to the shop yet though and I check on her every now and again, I want her to have a childhood like I did where I had independance and played outside, Its good for her.
I wouldnt stop his contact, but ask him to check on her.

There’s a world of difference between kids being allowed to wander the streets in big groups causing problems and damage vs kids being allowed out to play unsupervised. I may not always be watching my children but we have agreements on where they can and cannot go, do and not do, and every so often I’ll pop out to check this is indeed the case.

I’d also like to apologise to the posters who have been getting a hard time for their choices around children playing outside

You've no need to apologise op, you've responded very graciously to suggestions (some of which have been pretty harsh). Fwiw, I think you're entitled to be wary, based on what you've said about your dd. There's some disparity between what you think she's capable of and what your ex believes she is, and you're right to try to bridge that gap somehow. I hope he works with you on this.

There’s this quite romanticised viewpoint on MN and in society in general really that children should be experiencing supposed wonderful freedoms outside with their friends and that they’ll be fat, terrified, insular lumps if they don’t.

Not just a romanticised viewpoint, but studies back this up. I can understand people being wary with non NT children and where their road isn't safe.

But fat, terrified insular lumps hits the nail on the head, I'm afraid, when it comes to helicopter and any over-protective parenting.

Do you feel the need to apologise to me @chickhonhoneybabe because I said I wouldn’t let my child play outside and have just been told she’s a terrified, fat, insular lump because of it 🤨

But fat, terrified insular lumps hits the nail on the head, I'm afraid, when it comes to helicopter and any over-protective parenting

And if I was clapping back at that I could say only neglectful, uncaring, rough parents who can't be arsed to actually spend time with and parent their children let their very young children out unsupervised. I wouldn't though because that would be as ridiculous and extreme as the statement you've just made there and I am aware that most parents do what suits them and their circumstances and just parent as best they can.

I think 'fat, insular lumps' is a bizarre comment. My DCs wouldn't have had time for playing out unsupervised as they spent their time playing football, cricket and tennis at organised clubs.

Therein lies the problem Zany. Family circumstances vary as greatly as values. Your dc were fortunate to have both the resource and the opportunity behind them to go to organised clubs. What does a child of parents on a low income in an inner city council estate do for outdoor exercise? I agree that obesity is influenced by many factors and lots of children have access to organised clubs instead of playing out. But many do not. And their parents are then criticised for letting them roam the streets. So they keep them in, and they get no exercise. The obesity issue and its link to lack of outdoor activity may well not apply to you and your family, but there is evidence that strongly suggests it does apply elsewhere.

If my ds does swimming and one other activity in an organised setting once a week it costs close to £50 pm. That's money that lots of people can't afford.

My DCs wouldn't have had time for playing out unsupervised as they spent their time playing football, cricket and tennis at organised clubs.

Funnily enough my ds plays for a FC, trains one night a week, plays at weekends. He also has tennis lessons once a week and plays out with his friends, usually on their bikes or football or a number of made up games I don't understand. Doesn't have to be either or. His school teachers are always commenting on his social skills, leadership skills and his conflict resolution skills, all of which he's learned playing out. Some things cannot be taught and can only be learned/acquired through lived experiences.

I definitely agree with you, I was just commenting on the fact that people are so judgemental of others. It isn't just a case of lazy fat kids sitting indoors or healthy fit kids roaming the street, there are hundreds in situations in between this.

No you're right it doesn't have to be, my boys only have one evening free (through choice)even now which they do music practice and homework etc. They obviously go out with friends now as they are 10 and 12, usually to a set place though as that's what all their friends do too.

Leadership skills can be taught many ways though, sport is amazing for teaching this sort of thing along with many other life skills. Conflict resolution is definitely learnt through team sports and if anyone follows cricket at all, being a captain of a cricket team produces amazing leaders, a very hard task.

All I am saying is there are many different ways of doing things but people seem to be insisting that their way is correct and that you can only be fit and healthy through playing out or learn specific skills etc. I don't believe that is the case.

I think one of the important things about playing out unsupervised is that adults aren't involved in decision making and conflict resolution.

Understandably not everyone lives somewhere that kids can play out.

All I am saying is there are many different ways of doing things but people seem to be insisting that their way is correct and that you can only be fit and healthy through playing out or learn specific skills etc. I don't believe that is the case.

Well yeah that's mumsnet in general. As the saying goes there are several ways to skin a cat and different ways of doing things that are right.

FWIW as someone who lets their dc play out (although not always) I think the OP's ex possibly sounds lazy and neglectful.

I just don't get the nastiness from some posters towards the people who do things differently to them. Crazy!

There's definitely a difference between starting to give kids independence and just letting them go off with another pretty young child at 7yo when they have not done that before. Small steps surely and I definitely think it warrants a discussion from both parents regardless of whether they are together or not.