Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just lost my sh!t! ExDP allowing DD age 7 to play outside unsupervised. AIBU?

300 replies

chickhonhoneybabe · 17/09/2018 23:10

I have lots of background sh!t with DD’s (age 7) DF whom I split with when she was nearly 2 years old. He left me after I just finished chemo and wasn’t in a good place mentally, for his wife who I found out recently he has been married to for 5 years! (He lied when I asked him if he was married a few years a go, and it’s only recently I’ve found out after a friend spoke to his wife and she’d mentioned they’ve been married for 5 years!)

The marriage actually happened whist he was still coming home and playing happy families a year after he moved out of the family home (we were never married). At the time he had moved out and was coming back and forth (we were still sleeping together), as I thought we were working on things as we’d had a tough time with me having chemo and a baby and thought he just needed some time out due to the pressure. Things came to a head one day when he had his things packed which he had at home saying he was going on holiday which I went mental about as I knew nothing about this planned holiday and we’d been discussing going on one as a family. After 2 weeks of his phone being switched off I tracked him down to him saying he was in America. After the holiday he wanted nothing to do with me and I later found out he’d moved his new girlfriend (wife) in to the apartment he’s renting (she’s American so he’d gone out there to marry her I’ve now found out five years after the event...)

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to my AIBU, I just wanted to highlight the man has form for lying and not a trustworthy character.

ExDp lives in an affluent area on a new build estate. My DD (age 7) this evening mentioned that she’d been to the local shop with her friends yesterday (apparently they’re aged 7 and 10), and that her dad lets her play outside unsupervised with them (it’s quite a big estate with lots of cul de sac roads and a play area, and the shop is on a busy main road).

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all. The shop is also next to a main road FFS!

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD as it’s not safe for her to be outside unsupervised but he thinks I’m mad and stopping her from having friends. That’s not what it’s about, I’m worried about her safety! I don’t give a flying fuck if the area is suppose to be nice, there’s weirdos everywhere and at that age she shouldn’t be outside unsupervised.

AIBU? How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?

(I mentioned where he lives as I think he’s got it into his head because of where he lives she’s ok. But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s)

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 18/09/2018 09:25

I saw this all the time in the area I used to live (also a new build estate) and it was dangerous.

Why was it dangerous? How many got kidnapped by strangers?

kierenthecommunity · 18/09/2018 09:25

I taught them to scream Fk off at the top of there voices if at any point they felt uncomfortable with something or someone if I was not around

Stay classy Grin

I'm dying to know where this posh estate with loads of stabbings and shootings is too. Grin

Mc180768 · 18/09/2018 09:26

No, @SheGotBetteDaviesEyes, he was put on the bus and picked up at the end of the day. We lived rurally and the school provided a bus. However, it was kids and a driver. (1996)

FlipnTwist · 18/09/2018 09:29

Well, Im gobsmacked. No, YANBU. You know your child. You know how she may react to stuff and what she’s ready for

But the dad also knows his child !

kierenthecommunity · 18/09/2018 09:29

It's not the 70s or the 80s where it was common for kids to be playing outside for hours on end, times have changed

I grew up myself then and don't recall it being utopia admittedly. F
Bad stuff happened then too it's just you didn't hear about it as much as there was no social media

BasilFaulty · 18/09/2018 09:30

My 16 year old has never 'played out'. My 5 and 3 year old won't be either

That has made me so sad.

Racecardriver · 18/09/2018 09:35

Would also like to note that playing out is of no benefit from what I have seen. My childhood friends who were allowed to play out are not more sucessful/mature/able to take risks/in dependant etc. Some of them still live at home. In contrast many of my friends (myself included) who weren't allowed to play out have families or good careers, their own houses etc. It's just lazy parenting.

Skyejuly · 18/09/2018 09:37

Mine love playing out on the green. Age 12 can obviously go further and 5 yr old plays out but in sight of house

Teateaandmoretea · 18/09/2018 09:38

MN at it's finest:

Re it being a nice area: firstly it can't be that nice if it has parents who let children 'play out'

It's just lazy parenting.

ODFOD

LittleLionMansMummy · 18/09/2018 09:38

Me too @BasilFaulty

There's an obesity epidemic and children are being encouraged to stay indoors rather than kick a ball around or ride their bikes in the fresh air. Some warped ideas about 'risk' here. There are some lifetime health risks caused by obesity that are much higher than the risk of a child being kidnapped or otherwise coming to harm playing outside in controlled circumstances.

Racecardriver · 18/09/2018 09:41

@lottlelionmansmummy I have no idea if any got kidnapped, didn't socialise with the locals, wasn't that kind of place. But I did see children nearly hit by a car on three occasions (it was sickening to watch). The roads were narrow and twist with no parking restrictions so there were often cars along one or both sides. The children would bolt from between the cars/in front of driveways without looking and drivers would have to slam on the breaks not to hit them. I also saw children walking down the street bawling their eyes out on a couple of occasions but I think that was more about them being upset by friends or minor injuries than dangerous situations. They also caused quite a bit if damage (snapped saplings, torn up grass, riding bikes through bushes etc) but that is neither here nor there.

OkPedro · 18/09/2018 09:43

No benefit to playing outside?!
Wtaf I've heard it all now!

LittleLionMansMummy · 18/09/2018 09:46

My childhood friends who were allowed to play out are not more sucessful/mature/able to take risks/in dependant etc. Some of them still live at home. In contrast many of my friends (myself included) who weren't allowed to play out have families or good careers, their own houses etc.

Well, I'm a complete anomaly then. My lazy, irresponsible parents also somehow managed to raise a daughter who is doing well in her career, has kept their grandchildren alive, safe and happy (so far) and owns her own house!

I don't think whether children play outside or not is a good indicator of their life chances of 'success'.

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 09:46

kierenthecommunity I’m not lying about the recent events, there’s been a few incidents locally lately and in the town centre lately. It’s a northern town.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 18/09/2018 09:50

, @littlelionmansmummy apparently you lack reading comprehension skills though I literally said it doesn't make any difference. Playing out doesn't make children any more independant etc. Not being allowed to run around on the street was no detriment to me. And being allowed to run around on the street was no benefit to anyone else. Playing out is irrelevant. Telling your children to bugger off and then passing it off as good parenting is lazy.

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 09:52

I myself played outside from a young age probably 6/7 and roamed the streets, guess it was the norm then.

I have much younger siblings and when they played outside (I was a teen) I used to keep an eye on them whilst my mum was at work, whilst their dad was either sat inside watching tv, or was at the pub. I did it because I wanted to make sure they were safe as they were only little

OP posts:
Mc180768 · 18/09/2018 09:57

OP,

Your original concerns aside for a moment,

It's a Northern town... ????

And what is this attitude towards 'kids playing out on an estate'? It appears to horrify some parents. What am I missing ? We quite like our estates up here in our northern town. And we all look out for our neighbours kids too. Takes a village to raise a child.... said by somebody once.....

Seaweed42 · 18/09/2018 10:03

You can't expect her to know what to do with you if you fall down yourself. She's a 7yr old kid.
She is fine walking to the local shop with a 10yr old. But she doesn't have to take responsibility for looking after you as well.
The majority of people in the world are decent, caring individuals just like you.
Why don't you ring the police station closest to where your exDP lives and ask how many kids under 10 have been involved in random violent incidents in the past 2 years? Ask the copper that answers the phone if s/he would let their kid play on that street.

hiddeneverything · 18/09/2018 10:06

I can understand your hurt from the past as you have been through so much and he has treated you terribly, but in terms of your daughter playing outside, YABU.

I live in a similar area to what you describe your ex living in and I let my 4 yo out to play on his bike with the other kids in the street. That said, I have taught him stranger danger and road safety.

You and her dad need to teach her some responsibility. I'd probably let my 4yo go to the shop with a 10yo and 7yo if I knew them tbh.

pepperrainbowpig · 18/09/2018 10:09

I'm shocked anyone would let a 4 year old play in the street.

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 10:10

Seaweed42 I mentioned the incident of me falling as someone mentioned I should talk to her if her one of her friends has an accident, and suggested I talk to her about what to do in that instance. I don’t expect her to look after me, I mentioned it as she was clueless what to do, so will talk to her about what to do if someone hurts themselves in an accident.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 10:13

Mc180768 I’m not saying anything bad about the estate, the area it’s self though has had a number of incidents with gun crime.

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 18/09/2018 10:14

Telling your children to bugger off and then passing it off as good parenting is lazy.

I think it's your reading comprehension skills that are lacking. Nobody has said they do this - that is your interpretation. Arguably it is lazier to tell your kids just to play indoors rather than taking the time to equip them with the skills to be safe playing outdoors. The area you grew up in may well have been dominated by parents who didn't give a toss where their children were or what they were doing. But that's not what is being advocated here. Establishing appropriate risk-assessed boundaries based on the specific child's personality and ability is good parenting.

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 10:17

I’ve also agreed several times that my reaction is bias based on my relationship with my ex, and agreed that we both have different parenting styles and need to work together to make sure that she is safe.

OP posts:
hiddeneverything · 18/09/2018 10:18

@pepperrainbowpig I thought I'd be flamed for my comment, but depends on the street, depends on the 4 yo and depends on the boundaries you set for them, eg, don't go past the lane and don't go past the roundabout. I live in a cul de sac with houses only on one side of the road. The "roundabout" is a turning circle.

AND I have just rtft and can assure you there has never ever been a shooting or stabbing in this area Shock that puts a different light on it!