Just lost my sh!t! ExDP allowing DD age 7 to play outside unsupervised. AIBU?

[chickhonhoneybabe]

I have lots of background sh!t with DD’s (age 7) DF whom I split with when she was nearly 2 years old. He left me after I just finished chemo and wasn’t in a good place mentally, for his wife who I found out recently he has been married to for 5 years! (He lied when I asked him if he was married a few years a go, and it’s only recently I’ve found out after a friend spoke to his wife and she’d mentioned they’ve been married for 5 years!)

The marriage actually happened whist he was still coming home and playing happy families a year after he moved out of the family home (we were never married). At the time he had moved out and was coming back and forth (we were still sleeping together), as I thought we were working on things as we’d had a tough time with me having chemo and a baby and thought he just needed some time out due to the pressure. Things came to a head one day when he had his things packed which he had at home saying he was going on holiday which I went mental about as I knew nothing about this planned holiday and we’d been discussing going on one as a family. After 2 weeks of his phone being switched off I tracked him down to him saying he was in America. After the holiday he wanted nothing to do with me and I later found out he’d moved his new girlfriend (wife) in to the apartment he’s renting (she’s American so he’d gone out there to marry her I’ve now found out five years after the event...)

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to my AIBU, I just wanted to highlight the man has form for lying and not a trustworthy character.

ExDp lives in an affluent area on a new build estate. My DD (age 7) this evening mentioned that she’d been to the local shop with her friends yesterday (apparently they’re aged 7 and 10), and that her dad lets her play outside unsupervised with them (it’s quite a big estate with lots of cul de sac roads and a play area, and the shop is on a busy main road).

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all. The shop is also next to a main road FFS!

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD as it’s not safe for her to be outside unsupervised but he thinks I’m mad and stopping her from having friends. That’s not what it’s about, I’m worried about her safety! I don’t give a flying fuck if the area is suppose to be nice, there’s weirdos everywhere and at that age she shouldn’t be outside unsupervised.

AIBU? How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?

(I mentioned where he lives as I think he’s got it into his head because of where he lives she’s ok. But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s)

My son is 8 and walks to the shop for milk/bread/electric for me.

Next year he will be able to cycle to his friends house for play dates and, the following year stay after school at friends house and make his own way back. The following year he will be in Yr 7 and they all walk themselves to school then.

He also stays home alone for 15/20mins if needed, this will increase to an hour/hour and a half next year

But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s
There were still weirdos and busy roads in the 80s, it's just that people were less fussed about them and trusted their children more.

By the way, you want to protect your kids?

Make sure you don’t leave remotes/lap tops in the house, never leave the tumble drier running at night and make sure your fire alarms work and your older kids have basic information regard fire proofing (towel under the door/hold doors before opening them
Etc etc. The biggest cause of preventable death to children are from fires.

Don’t trust males around your children. Not your old best mate from school, your loving uncle who is ‘great with kids’ or your new boyfriend.

Most children who are abused are abused by someone they know, in their own homes.

Same with kidnapping. Children aren’t taken by ‘strangers’ they are picked up by someone they know.

The advice is woolly because the situation is woolly. I don't see any harm in your daughter playing outside the front of the house. YOu may not like it but it's not neglect, it's a parenting decision. YOu're going to have to let it go.

Don’t trust males around your children. Not your old best mate from school, your loving uncle who is ‘great with kids’ or your new boyfriend.

Surely it would be better to teach a child what’s appropriate and inappropriate touching than not make them scared of 50% of the population due to their genitalia but I guess ‘ur bubs ur rules hun’

Does she know the area well? Does she have access to a mobile?

Special Needs aside, sometimes kids end up in arguments and dd might end up walking home without the other girls.

Lots of potential scenarios to discuss with her. For example, she goes to the shops with a friend who falls off her bike and gets injured. What should she do?

In Europe, and I've lived there previously for a long time, children as young as 4 with other children would go to the supermarket. My son at age 4 caught a bus to school

Yeap, pretty much like my dd when she was small. She was very sensible though.

I think, OP, you've got to work on your child learning how to be safe, without filling her head with fears either. Just the rule about not going off with anyone without asking permission first, about not crossing big roads, etc. and playing outside should help her to mature and learn these things in practice.

Just

No, it’s not about making THEM scared, it’s about not giving males the opportunity. The only Male my children are alone wirh is their biological father.

‘Nobody is to give you a lift home from school even if they’re friends of mummy and daddy’ covers the latter.

This is common sense if you have any understanding of how common CSA is and who it is perpetrated by.

My degree in social policy marks my choices about my children. Not some irrational fear, ‘hun’

rainingcatsanddog she doesn’t have a mobile phone as I was going to wait until she was more nearer high school age (they start at age 11 here), but if she’s out and about whilst at her dads I might have to rethink that. I’ve got a cheap pay as you go I might give her.

Good point about knowing what to do in accident situations, I fell the other day and she just stood there looking at me on the floor not knowing what to do... I’ll talk to her about that too.

he is really not a sensible girl. I understand the thing about being independence but I’m not sure being outside unsupervised is the way to go about it.

The way to become independent is to start behaving independently. And the way for her to establish boundaries and become "more sensible" as you put is for you to work with her on that.

I think you are projecting hugely your (justified) feelings about her father onto this situation.

And get her a mobile phone. She is the child of parents who don't live together. She needs one in case she wants to get in touch.

Don’t trust males around your children.

Christ on a bike.

Good idea Coyoacan I need to keep things fairly simple with her as she’s in a world of her own most of the time. I try and talk to her about things but she either doesn’t listen or talks about something else completely random, whilst I’m trying to talk to her. These are some of the reasons I think she may have additional needs.

DistanceCall think I’ll dig the pay as you go phone out, as you’re right about the phone thing.

On MN, usually no child under the age of 12 needs a mobile phone; now they do at age 7 so they can play out unsupervised? Makes no sense whatsoever. And what will this head in the clouds 7 year old carry her mobile phone in when she’s out playing and being care free? She won’t take it obviously and it’s a PITA.

OP if you’re not comfortable with it you don’t have to pretend that you are just because some people on MN tell you you should be. There’s plenty on this thread that agree with you.

It’s a shame. My DD is now mid-teens and missed out on the kind of childhood I had because I felt like you. Even now though (she has additional needs) I worry constantly when she’s out.

It wouldnt stand up in court.

I think that 7 is young. My dd is 7 in January we live in a cul de sac she is allowed to play in our road only so that I can see and know exactly where she is. What is being described in the OP is what I allow my 9yo to do (and only recently) but she is sensible and has to take a mobile with her so she is contactable/ has strict time limits of when she must be back.

It's a bit sad though kids who are never allowed out at all. There are other risks too in relation to health of being cooped up all the time.

But I wouldn't be happy if someone let dd2 do what you describe OP. Rather than losing your rage though can't you just talk through what is reasonable instead?

My DS16 and DD14 have never played out. When younger they played in the garden, now they go out to places, like the cinema, shopping, swimming or to friends houses. They never complained or asked to play out. I just don't think it's safe to play out unsupervised particularly under 10's.

@strawberrisc presumably you'd have let your dd out at that age if she didn't have additional needs then? So you didn't not let her out because you felt like the OP, thus preventing her from having the idyllic childhood you'd have liked her to have, you didn't let her out because she had additional needs.

Sometimes I just can’t get my head round people. They will lock up their cars. Protect them from theft with keys and alarms yet let what should be the thing they hold most precious to wander unsupervised around the streets

But children aren't possessions they are people with their own minds

I live on a newbuild estate and kids seem to be playing out from 6 onwards. My dd is 5 and no way would I be letting her play out in next couple of years- we are close to s busy road she too has no sense of danger. So I think Yanbu but think the majority would think the opposite.

Playing outside with friends has been the best thing for my ds who has ASD. It was very scary at first letting him go out. I was always checking up on him. But it has been great for him. He is much more independent. Though I wouldn't have let him cross roads at 7. We live in a place with little cul-de-sacs so not alot of traffic.

I understand how you feel op. It is very scary. Make sure you practice road safety with her.

I think you know your own child. Nobody on here does. I knew, just knew, that I had to watch my youngest like a hawk and hold his hand by roads, even by the age of 7,8,9. He had no awareness of danger, no awareness of traffic. I once took my eyes off him and he lay flat on his skateboard and went down the middle of the road, surfing. It still sends shivers down my spine thinking about it. (He was diagnosed with ADD)
So, if you, as the person who knows her best, thinks she's not safe, then talk to her dad about watching her from the window or weeding or washing the car while she is out playing. Try to drop all the history, all you both want is a happy and safe child. Playing out is good for her but you need to agree on watching her carefully.

I see this from both sides. I have a 7 year old dd. I live in a 3 tier school systems and next year (year 4) 99% of kids walk tk school by themselves but I can't imagine letting my dd do this. It's a 10 min walk but I think this is way too young. I must be the unreasonable one though as she will probably be one of the only kids in her class who isn't allowed. She's one of the only kids not allowed to play out properly too.

I do however let her play out on her own but only because we live off the road and there is a little path outside my house with railings separating the path from the road. The road is so quiet anyway. If I look out of my window I can see her at all times. All the parents along this row of houses keeps an eye out If the kids happen to be playing outside their house. There is a lovely little group of them who all get along.

Only you know if your dd is mature enough to be playing out and walking to the shop. I'm sure you know deep down that stopping contact is unreasonable but I can understand why you said this out of anger. Maybe go to your exs estate and both agree on the boundaries dd is allowed to go. Eg the lampost at the end of the street. Is she can show she can be trusted, extend the boundaries.