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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just lost my sh!t! ExDP allowing DD age 7 to play outside unsupervised. AIBU?

300 replies

chickhonhoneybabe · 17/09/2018 23:10

I have lots of background sh!t with DD’s (age 7) DF whom I split with when she was nearly 2 years old. He left me after I just finished chemo and wasn’t in a good place mentally, for his wife who I found out recently he has been married to for 5 years! (He lied when I asked him if he was married a few years a go, and it’s only recently I’ve found out after a friend spoke to his wife and she’d mentioned they’ve been married for 5 years!)

The marriage actually happened whist he was still coming home and playing happy families a year after he moved out of the family home (we were never married). At the time he had moved out and was coming back and forth (we were still sleeping together), as I thought we were working on things as we’d had a tough time with me having chemo and a baby and thought he just needed some time out due to the pressure. Things came to a head one day when he had his things packed which he had at home saying he was going on holiday which I went mental about as I knew nothing about this planned holiday and we’d been discussing going on one as a family. After 2 weeks of his phone being switched off I tracked him down to him saying he was in America. After the holiday he wanted nothing to do with me and I later found out he’d moved his new girlfriend (wife) in to the apartment he’s renting (she’s American so he’d gone out there to marry her I’ve now found out five years after the event...)

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to my AIBU, I just wanted to highlight the man has form for lying and not a trustworthy character.

ExDp lives in an affluent area on a new build estate. My DD (age 7) this evening mentioned that she’d been to the local shop with her friends yesterday (apparently they’re aged 7 and 10), and that her dad lets her play outside unsupervised with them (it’s quite a big estate with lots of cul de sac roads and a play area, and the shop is on a busy main road).

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all. The shop is also next to a main road FFS!

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD as it’s not safe for her to be outside unsupervised but he thinks I’m mad and stopping her from having friends. That’s not what it’s about, I’m worried about her safety! I don’t give a flying fuck if the area is suppose to be nice, there’s weirdos everywhere and at that age she shouldn’t be outside unsupervised.

AIBU? How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?

(I mentioned where he lives as I think he’s got it into his head because of where he lives she’s ok. But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s)

OP posts:
quizqueen · 18/09/2018 02:32

Sadly, every child that you hear about in the news who has been abducted wasn't being watched by a responsible adult at the time. Funnily enough, children who are supervised correctly aren't usually abducted. Don't be tomorrow's news, OP, and do what you think it right for your child.

steff13 · 18/09/2018 05:08

Aren't most children abducted by people they know?

actualpuffins · 18/09/2018 05:13

My daughters played out in a cul de sac from about age 6, and certainly went to a local shop with an older friend aged about ten or eleven aged about 7 or 8 themselves. What Dione said. YABU.

ohlittlepea · 18/09/2018 05:16

I can see your concerns, and his past behaviour is awful? but jumping straight to saying 'No further contact' is really not going to help anyone. Your daughter will start not telling you things if this is the reaction. Can you go to mediation and find a positive way of setting some boundaries together without her getting caught in the crossfire?

doodlethepoodle · 18/09/2018 05:22

Yanbu.
I am surprised at how many people on here are happy to have their 7 year olds playing out of site in potentially dangerous areas.
I didn't do this as a child and was no more sheltered/deprived than my peers at secondary school. I also lived in a "nice" area with low crime rate and in the scheme of things I'm sure pretty low risk.
Yes, you will need to cut the apron strings st some stage but in my personal opinion 7 is far too early for this!
Good luck communicating your worries to her asshole father.

Sleepykate · 18/09/2018 05:26

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think letting a seven year old play out unsupervised it pretty irresponsible, especially if they're roaming around.

ItsalmostSummer · 18/09/2018 05:29

I wouldn’t be ok with it OP. What to do about it, I don’t know? I suppose he has rights to have her over so it’s a tough one. I am surprised many in here say aged 7 is ok. I would not be happy for sure. There are lots of dodgy things that happen. So I would be concerned about this. If your daughter was aged 9 or 10 and in a group, then it would be a lot more reassuring. Aged 7 no. I agree with you.

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 05:40

I’m not stopping contact with DDs dad, as I know that she needs a relationship with him, I also realise that there’s not much I can do about her playing out and going to the shop with friends unsupervised whilst she’s with him and he’ll continue to allow this. I’ll however, ask him in future when she’s out to keep going to check on her from time to time.

I’m going to have a look at the nspcc website today and talk to her about staying safe as I’m genuinely concerned and want her to continue talking to me about things. Yes she was proud of going to the shop, so I dont want her to stop talking to me about things.

I agree that I do let past events and how he’s treated me over the years influence how I react to him, I was trying to give a bit of background towards his character but I do let that cloud my judgment.

OP posts:
actualpuffins · 18/09/2018 05:43

I played out from age six or seven. There isn't any more stranger danger now than there was in the 1980s, and cars were going faster on the road I lived on in the 80s than where we live now.

ShowerOfMonsters · 18/09/2018 05:44

Did you ask how often he checks on her when she's out?

I let my 6&8 year old out to play (in fact I was admonished by the eldest's teacher when he was 5 for never letting him out alone Hmm) but I check on them every 5-10 minutes and if it's been quiet too long. They don't know that though. Maybe he's checking on her and she didn't notice.

No experience about shop because we've not got one in walking distance.

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 05:44

Also the estate that he lives on although it’s nice and is affluent, there’s been a series of shootings and stabbings lately in the area.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 05:48

ShowerOfMonsters. Did you ask how often he checks on her when she's out?

No I went off on one, DD said she was told to play outside so that he could watch tv and sit on the sofa. I’ll direct him to the nspcc website and try and get him to understand the dangers and duscuss them with DD too so we both say the same thing to her.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 18/09/2018 05:52

I'm sorry. I know your were hurt 3 years ago. And congratulations with your recovery- but you are being unreasonable. She wasn't on her own- she was with friends. Denying contact will not go in your favour- there is no reason for her not to see her dad from your OP. Maybe start encouraging her with appropriate stranger danger and make sure she goes back home if the other kids stop playing.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/09/2018 05:55

“Losing your shit” is not good op. Who did you lose it with? And you say “he knows what I’m like”. What do you mean by that??

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 18/09/2018 06:17

Hmm. 7 is a bit younger than I'd personally be happy with this*, but 'going off on one' is an overreaction, and so would be stopping contact - I can't imagine that being looked upon favourably by a family court, if it came to it.

*I might allow it if the set-up were such that regular checking on her was feasible.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/09/2018 06:23

I am with you op. No matter how nice the area is you don’t know who is about. Added in a child who would go off with anyone and you have a recipe for disaster.

Children older and more sensible have been abducted from streets which appeared to be perfectly safe.

Both of mine were quite sensible and to the horror of some parents I taught them to scream F**k off at the top of there voices if at any point they felt uncomfortable with something or someone if I was not around.
I said it didn’t matter if someone on the face of it hadn’t done anything but just if they felt uneasy to get them out of a situation.

As an aside I was berated by other parents on holiday for not leaving Ds and dd aged 3 and 1 in a hotel room that didn’t have a proper lock on the balcony door.

They recounted stories about how they had left their children in apartments from being small and nothing had happened .

Completely ruined my evenings.

The following April Madeleine McCann went missing.

Sometimes I just can’t get my head round people. They will lock up their cars. Protect them from theft with keys and alarms yet let what should be the thing they hold most precious to wander unsupervised around the streets

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/09/2018 06:31

I think you are collapsing your understandable ire

(Whilst I don’t tend to OW bash who the FUCK would see a man cheating on a partner with cheap as a prize) with this issue

I actually think 7 is OK for starting to walk abiut . But NOT solo / with an elder child

And I am in a city

But he is no prize . Hope someone does it to him Sad

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/09/2018 06:31

Chemo / not cheap

Itsnotme123 · 18/09/2018 06:38

I think she should play outside, do you know if the 10 yo looks after her or looks out for her ?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/09/2018 06:38

And OP I wish you ongoing health . Cancer takes it Out of you mentallly , physically and emotionally

To be left when you are your lowest really destabilises . Look after yourself and hope you stay in remission Flowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/09/2018 06:41

I also remember my childhood . I was easily wandering abiut that age or younger and you probably were too OP

To reassure yourself look up some sensible you tube videos or websites ( ie made by a reputable charity) with sensible guidelines and advice maybe ?

Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 06:41

I’ve sent him links to the NSPCC advice pages, but tbh honest there’s nothing much about keeping children safe whilst playing outside it’s all a bit woolly other than the talking pants guide.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 06:48

stopfuckingshoutingatme thanks for the kind words. I won’t lie I’ve been to hell and back. I don’t think his wife truly knows what a lying cheat he is, and that her whole relationship is based on lies. He was playing happy families with me right up to them getting married. She also hadn’t met DD before they got married and she moved in with him, you honestly couldn’t make this shit up!

OP posts:
Original poster
chickhonhoneybabe · 18/09/2018 06:50

Anyway the ex is an arse and I can’t chsnge that, I’ll concentrate on talking to DD about being safe whilst she’s out and about whilst at her dads.

OP posts:
actualpuffins · 18/09/2018 06:57

Sometimes I just can’t get my head round people. They will lock up their cars. Protect them from theft with keys and alarms yet let what should be the thing they hold most precious to wander unsupervised around the streets

Hmm. I'd guess those people have a better grasp of logic and assessing relative risks.