Just lost my sh!t! ExDP allowing DD age 7 to play outside unsupervised. AIBU?

[chickhonhoneybabe]

I have lots of background sh!t with DD’s (age 7) DF whom I split with when she was nearly 2 years old. He left me after I just finished chemo and wasn’t in a good place mentally, for his wife who I found out recently he has been married to for 5 years! (He lied when I asked him if he was married a few years a go, and it’s only recently I’ve found out after a friend spoke to his wife and she’d mentioned they’ve been married for 5 years!)

The marriage actually happened whist he was still coming home and playing happy families a year after he moved out of the family home (we were never married). At the time he had moved out and was coming back and forth (we were still sleeping together), as I thought we were working on things as we’d had a tough time with me having chemo and a baby and thought he just needed some time out due to the pressure. Things came to a head one day when he had his things packed which he had at home saying he was going on holiday which I went mental about as I knew nothing about this planned holiday and we’d been discussing going on one as a family. After 2 weeks of his phone being switched off I tracked him down to him saying he was in America. After the holiday he wanted nothing to do with me and I later found out he’d moved his new girlfriend (wife) in to the apartment he’s renting (she’s American so he’d gone out there to marry her I’ve now found out five years after the event...)

Anyway, that’s irrelevant to my AIBU, I just wanted to highlight the man has form for lying and not a trustworthy character.

ExDp lives in an affluent area on a new build estate. My DD (age 7) this evening mentioned that she’d been to the local shop with her friends yesterday (apparently they’re aged 7 and 10), and that her dad lets her play outside unsupervised with them (it’s quite a big estate with lots of cul de sac roads and a play area, and the shop is on a busy main road).

DD is not trustworthy to be left on her own for more than 5 minutes at home before getting up to no good. She absolutely has no stranger danger, she’s in a world of her own most of the time and is easily influenced by others (she’d easily go off with someone even without any form of bribe, and gets up to mischief as she really has no concept of what is acceptable) she’s really not sensible at all. The shop is also next to a main road FFS!

I’ve told the ex that he’s having no future contact with DD as it’s not safe for her to be outside unsupervised but he thinks I’m mad and stopping her from having friends. That’s not what it’s about, I’m worried about her safety! I don’t give a flying fuck if the area is suppose to be nice, there’s weirdos everywhere and at that age she shouldn’t be outside unsupervised.

AIBU? How do I stop him from allowing her outside unsupervised whilst she’s at his house?

(I mentioned where he lives as I think he’s got it into his head because of where he lives she’s ok. But I’ve told him he’s a clueless idiot living in the 1980s)

Sorry, exDP not dh....

garethsouthgatesmrs it’s scary stuff, there’s something going off in the area weekly at the minute.

I’ll try and be rational with him tomorrow, he knows what I’m like and doesn’t take me seriously anyway...

This is the weirdest mumsnet thread I’ve read. It completely depends on the area, the neighbours and your preferences. I would be fuming if my husband allowed this. I let my son out at 10 (some SN and quite immature.) well some teens thought it was funny to make him smoke and get up to mischief. To be honest it was a downward spiral. No 10 year old (belonging to people you don’t know) can keep your child safe. This is ridiculous. There are 2 nice estates near us, but they still have drug use, speeding, and dodgy people. There’s plenty of time to grow up.

Ah good point LittleLionMansMummy 😊

Absolutely not unreasonable.

Not one person could ever persuade me otherwise.

My 16 year old has never 'played out'. My 5 and 3 year old won't be either.

My 16 year olds dad respected my wishes and that boundary was set in place from the day we separated (he was 7). Likewise, he had other boundarys and wishes that I respected.

And yes, I'd stop contact too. I say that as a step mum too. There are certain things that are beyond "parenting choices" and are about keeping your children safe. This is one of them.

That’s terrible ItsColdNow is everything ok now?

ThisMustBeMyDream wish the ex would respect me too. I don’t think he realises it’s a keeping DD safe he’s more interested in her having friends

Going to the local shop with older friends sounds OK but not playing out at the front of the house, on display to all and sundry.

Oh god I don't know why I actually did laugh out loud at that

'On display to all and sundry'?? The mind boggles.

1. He sounds like a total shit.

1. I would be much closer to his perspective on playing out than yours. I have lived in the type of estate you describe and children play out from very young. They hugely benefit from it.

What does how long he’s been married and how he left you have to do with it?

You keep saying she’s not a sensible girl - in that case you need to work on her common sense and resilience, not stop contact with her father for letting her go out to play.

I've been on mumsnet a while and opinions about playing out differ greatly. The thing is none if us really know the neighbourhood an OP is referring to even if it's described. We can only speak from our own experience . The idea is that separated partners discuss and agree rules for their shared children. The reality is this doesn't always happen. ThisMustBeMyDream OP won't have a leg to stand on If she refuses contact (she has acknowledged she won't do this) sadly for her she has to accept her ex will let DD play out and her best chance is to reason with him so that they can agree on a set of rules to keep her playing out as safe as possible.

I have a sensible 7 year old. When camping, he and his 5 yo brother were allowed to play within earshot with other children. They are also allowed to free flow between us and the neighbour when it's mutually convenient.

He's not yet allowed to play in our turning circle or the nearby green because they have restricted visibility from our house. Most local children are either secondary age or younger than him so there isn't a trusted older child to play with.

It is an age where they can begin to have tastes of a bit of freedom. By 8 they tend to be expected to have the personal skills to use changing facilities for their sex for example. Where those boundaries are depends on the environment and the child. They can be more competant than we give them credit for.

You can’t stop your ex from letting her play out. Parents let children play out from much younger than that where I live so it isn’t an unreasonably young age to be playing out - it’s down to parental choice and while dd is with her dad that’s his judgement call.
If you genuinely are concerned about her safety rather than just getting one over on your ex (who, in fairness, does sound like a prize twat) then you need to be having conversations with her about how she would keep herself safe in unexpected situations and practising safely crossing the road etc. Even if she does have sn she still needs to learn these things and have age appropriate freedom where possible.

“My 16 year old has never 'played out'. My 5 and 3 year old won't be either.”

How can you not let your children go out to play?? That’s crazy. And unfair. What do you think is going to happen to them?

YabVvvU!

7 is plenty old enough to play out especially in what sounds like a safe friendly area.

If she were as clueless and lacking in road sense as YOU Claim something untoward would have happened. It didn't.

You need to unclench and learn to give your child the independence to mature.

"I understand the thing about being independence but I’m not sure being outside unsupervised is the way to go about it." Actually that's EXACTLY how to go about it.

10 is FAR too late. At 11 she needs to be able to get to and from high school independently, negotiate roads inc main roads, possibly public transport inc fares and timetables...

I have been a guider, scouter, childminder and nanny and am now mother to a 17 yr old.

Children learn by doing as much as by just being told. They don't develop independence properly unless given the opportunity and freedom to do so. In my experience the children wrapped up in cotton wool are the ones who struggle to attain independence, feel overwhelmed when given freedom and take bigger risks when they hit adulthood and suddenly have complete freedom!

Stranger danger is now widely recognised by experts in the field of child protection as having done more harm than good. Stranger abduction or even molestation is extremely rare. Our children are at far more risk from people that not only they, but their parents know and THINK they know well - these types tend to groom the adults first then the kids.

Far more sensible to teach her nspcc pants rule, sex ed (appropriate to age - In just 2 years she could well be hitting puberty), how to cross roads safely, how to find help in an emergency safely, what to do if she gets lost, her name/address/parents phone numbers.

Does she go to Cubs or brownies or similar? They're great for building confidence and maturity and learning life skills.

"On display" fuck me! 🙄 they're children, part of our society they're not shameful and to be hidden away!

thismustbeadream Why have your dc never played outside?

Kids way younger than that play out on my street all the time, there's a playground across the road from me, there's always a big mix of ages but I'd say there's at least 5 yr olds there with their siblings.

Whilst he sounds awful, your huge rant about him, which you accept it irrelevant, makes it sound like you allow how you feel about him to colour your view of his parenting decisions. This is dangerous territory. Please be mindful that you should do the best by your daughter, all feelings about her Dad aside. That includes letting her have a full relationship with him, uncomplicated by how you feel.

Totally agree about stranger danger doing more harm than good.
At the time I was being taught the "stay safe" programme in school (which focused on strangers touching your private parts) i was being abused by a family member
I refuse to live my life seeing a pedophile around every corner
I won't allow my children to live like that either

I agree with SheGotBetteDavisEyes I don't think any random 10 year old is necessarily going to look out for my child, nor should they.

I also don't think how much mumsnetters played out when they were kids 20 or 30 or whatever years ago is relevant.

You know the area and how safe it seems, you know your (plural) child. Maybe your ex doesn't know the child as well as he thinks he does, especially if he only has limited contact with her.

I also do think your ex's past behaviour may mean that you chickhonhoneybabe are right to judge him not to be a good judge of wise behaviour.

I'd talk to him about your concerns and try and find a way ahead that takes care of reasonable concerns.

My son is 8 and he doesn't play out in the street. He also doesn't cross roads yet on his own. My daughter is 13 and I think the playing out and crossing roads, for me, came when dd was about 10, maybe 9. We live in a very safe area.

Maybe I am overly cautious but I'm a 'It’s better to be safe than sorry.' person rather than a 'Nothing ventured, nothing gained' kind of person.

I mean he also doesn't cross major roads yet on his own yet.

"I don’t think he realises it’s a keeping DD safe he’s more interested in her having friends."

Is there a park he could take dd to with another child or a play date that is supervised that he could allow dd to go on?

I don't know anyone in RL who lets their seven year old play out unsupervised, it's unheard of. MN stance on this always makes me . I just don't see it reflected in RL and I wouldn't allow my kids to either.

Blimey. All this over playing out.

In Europe, and I've lived there previously for a long time, children as young as 4 with other children would go to the supermarket. My son at age 4 caught a bus to school.

Op, I think you're being vu. I'd spend se time teaching your daughter some sense (given you've repeatedly said she has none) and some road awareness.

“I don't know anyone in RL who lets their seven year old play out unsupervised, it's unheard of”

In my world it’s unheard of NOT to let your kids play out.

My son at age 4 caught a bus to school

On his own? An unsupervised 4 year old getting the bus?

She played out and went to the shop (crossing the road) and she is still alive and kicking. She was probably really excited about it. She trusted herself and she was right. You should be proud of her OP and of yourself. You have taught her well.

Please deal with your feelings towards your Ex OP. They seem to be getting in the way of your relationship with your DD.

What a nice post Dione