I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

Your husband is treating both you and your son appallingly.

There is zero chance that my child would be spending time with such poisonous people. I would arrange a weekend trip somewhere for the weekend of the party and take your daughter with you as well.

I think it's time for a serious chat with your husband. He's either with you or he's not. He needs to take a good look at they way he is allowing his family to treat you and your son.

They are a troubled family, bought up by alcoholic father and have intense falling out. DH only gets on with his sisters, not brothers. He’s very dominated I think by women probably, but gets angry with me. I do think it’s time to realise that my future may not be with him.

I do have an additional fear, if we break up I can see SIL going full steam ahead and poisoning DD, DH will probably go to hers EOW. It all just doesn’t feel healthy or good.

OP - did you post this thread in July?

AIBU I feel dominated by In Laws who dislike me but love my child!http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3309387-AIBU-I-feel-dominated-by-In-Laws-who-dislike-me-but-love-my-child

Apologies if it's not the same person but it sounds like a very similar situation so the advice given on that thread still stands. This isn't going to get better. Ever. Your husband has been slagging you off to your in-laws behind your back and will likely always be too spineless to own that fact and put them right. Therefore they've made up their minds about you (even if based on false information) and you will always be an outlier. You are being abused by all of them. If you have family support elsewhere then I would strongly advise you move to be near them and start over as you cannot expect this man to ever have your back. It's a far better idea to get away and start over...

From my understanding sil from NZ is brothers wife.

Other SIL is his sister.

If he thinks you are controlling then I would be showing what you be controlling is.

I have no income of my own, isolated, caring for the kids all week

I think after you have dumped this useless prick and I would go back to where you have support.

I presume you are married. Is the house bought or rented.

If rented I wouldnt even hang around on the night of the party I would be packing everything up and going back with DC to where you have support and seeing a solicitor as soon as they open.

@power I know but how do I stop this dominance of DD by SIL if I leave?

@olivers mummy

Sorry to be confusing. DH has two sisters. One here. One NZ.

@doucherams will read thank you

How truly awful for you OP. You know the old saying, 'When a man tells you who he is, listen, well time to listen up.
I would say that you either go as a family, with the possibility of being turned away, or you all stay at home together.
If he decides to go, I think you should make plans to leave, this kind of behaviour is intolerable.
How far away are your family ?
Time to make plans, we're all here for you ! 🌸

Move back home with dd to be close to your friends and family. Would your parents take you and DD in while you get yourself sorted?
No court would place your dd with her father if you have been the stay at home parent so do not worry about that. You are entitled to income support with a child under 5 and tax credits til they are 16 if and when you find a job you can be topped up with working tax credits. You don't have to stay with him.
You can't control what your DH does with her on his weekends with her but it would be minimally toxic compared to the amount she spends with SIL now/recently while you are still living with him.
Get yourself out of isolation and get back to your support network.

You cannot change someone who doesn't want to change. He has no reason to change. He has you where he wants you, afraid to say boo to him for fear of causing a fight and him leaving.

Beat him to the punch. Take your children and leave. Go back home and rebuild your life. Do you really want to live like this for the next 10, 20, 30 years?

Sorry I of course mean move with your DD and also your DS.

So he has admitted/agreed on more than one occasion that his family are bullies and are behaving badly towards you and he is not prepared to do anything about it bar put your 4 year old daughter in the middle of it?

Seriously, OP, no good will ever come from this situation - you are excluded and defamed, your son is excluded and his self esteem has suffered, your daughter will be hearing all sorts of terrible things about her mother and your dh is standing by and letting it all happen. You are second guessing how to behave and what you should say to appease your husband and keep him on-side. Just stop this destructive cycle - get out of this relationship, divorce and go back to your own family and friends.

Tortoisecharlie I am only saying what I would do, I would find a job and move very very far away. I would line this up quietly and stop the your dd weekend visits to SIL immediately.

Your dp has a chance to come with you, and start again or stays with his sisters. I would be getting the hell out of there. You are never going to win, he doesn't have your back, your dd will soon be too old for you to have any kind of influence. In the meantime your son is being emotionally damaged and excluded. The whole thing is very harmful and based around their messed up childhood.

@clogcover honestly I’ve done nothing wrong. At all. Yes it was very upsetting when DH left and we did exchange texts that were emotional. But not abusive or nasty. I had two bereavements whilst he was away too, one of them my father, so it was a very upsetting time.

I didn’t cheat, didn’t shout at DH, didn’t treat him badly. I think he did meet up with a couple of women, although he said nothing happened. He had numbers on his phone.

I would be furious if my husband took our daughter to a family party I wasn’t invited to!
You are meant to be a team and isn’t your daughter going to wonder why your not coming ? I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be letting him take her , who knows what kind of poisonous shit their going to fill her head with . Just get up early and disappear out for the day with her.

I don't think your husband should go without you. You 're a family unit. Especially when you haven't done anything to them to warrant their excluding behaviour. Your husband is weak, he should be sticking up for you.

Oh OP you sound very isolated. It’s funny that he’s accusing you of being controlling when he’s got so much control over you.

Have you got family you could stay with? If I were you I’d pack my bags and go. From what you’ve said he sounds a horrible controlling prick.

I would sit down with the sister and find out exactly what was said about you when he left. It's clear something was. There is much more to this story.

They are not going to dominate your child if they are only seeing her EOW though, are they? It's not a daily drip of information - she'll see them for a short space of time.

I also thought you'd asked about this before, it sounds familiar. You don't actually know if they've said anything at all to your child, I got the impression that any badmouthing had been done while you were separated. And you really, really don't know what your husband has told them.

I also get the impression that you don't actually want to see them, would you have gone if you were invited?

Obviously we only get one side of it here and it's hard to say about controlling behaviour. Possibly projecting here, but if either adult has any mental health issues that can sometimes come out as having to do things in a specific way and the blame game plays a big part, any problems are down to the actions of someone else and not the person themselves.

Time to think about the future quite carefully, OP. Where do you see yourself in five years time, still at a distance from half your DD's family?

Pack your bags and take DD and DS with you. Can you go back to your parents? You are being gaslighted. No way would I allow DD go to the party if you're not invited. Your H has put the nail in the coffin for the end of your marriage by allowing their treatment of you.

He had other women's numbers on his phone? Urgh. Leave him.

I am not sure I would take dh either. You could give him the chance of a new start, but I am not sure he deserves one to be honest.

He has left you for no reason whatsoever, with no explanation. Moved in with his sister who is awful to you. He offers no explanation and comes back but still doesn't support or care about you. He excludes your son and takes your dd to his family (who are horrible about you)

This is NOT the actions of a man that loves you.

He is under the spell of his sisters, and has no real influence or power. They have had an awful toxic childhood and are replaying it in various different ways. You and your children have now been sucked into this.

You may come to regret not taking your chance and leaving when were able to unless you go now. This situation will be even worse in five-ten years time, you will never get away then.

Call your mum and tell her everything.

It is the crunch really isn’t it. I’ve felt very low and insecure since DH left. He’d already been mooching that he wasn’t invested and counseling was supposed to help. But instead he moved in with his sister and started this avalanche of bullying.

There isn’t anything here for me that is good. DS will be upset moving School again, that worries me, he’s got a year left now. I’m not sure I can stomach a year but I do feel responsible, I moved him to make a fresh start with DH, I wish I’d stayed where we were.

This situation sounds completely horrific for you.

WHY do you need to play along with a situation where some other woman who hates you has control over you, where your husband berates, leaves and runs you down in general, where you are isolated, dependent and lonely, where your son is having his self-esteem destroyed and where no one either cares about you or does anything to help you having anything other than a pretty horrible life?

Fuck this bullshit. Your life and your childrens' lives deserve better. Get the fuck out of there!

You have a DH problem. He is a dick who is not committed.

Leave him and investigate moving back to your family.

There is no way my DH would accept an invitation without me being invited and I say this even though we never went to anything together (including our own kids birthday parties) for many many years due to working shifts with one of us usually home while the other was at work including weekends. If an invite specifically excluded one of us no way would the other have gone irrespective of the others availability.