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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

405 replies

Tortoisecharlie · 17/09/2018 12:28

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

OP posts:
CassandraCross · 17/09/2018 13:12

So if you thought your brother had been badly treated by his wife, you would all welcome her into your houses?

If my brother had chosen freely to go back to said wife and asked me to include her then yes, I would.

EmeraldVillage · 17/09/2018 13:12

Ah the controlling wife label. So now you can’t win. Try and stop him taking DD, unreasonable as it is, and you just provide proof to them all that you are the controlling witch he has made out.

Juells · 17/09/2018 13:12

FFS leave the lot of them behind and go off and live your life.

yikesanotherbooboo · 17/09/2018 13:13

In order to justify leaving you he painted you in a bad light to his family. They believed him and think he has gone back to a bad situation. I suspect he is not backing you up, as he would if he were committed to you. He is keeping his options open op, sorry.

MyAuntyBadger · 17/09/2018 13:14

Op, please can you clarify; his sister? or his sister in law (brother's wife)? You've called her your dh's sil in your posts. There's a big difference to the situation with that of a loyal sister, or a sister in law who could possibly have a different agenda for not liking you.

Ginkypig · 17/09/2018 13:14

I'd be very seriously researching into moving back closer to my support network (without him) and looking into job/education opportunities in the area I'm going back to.

This screams that he is the catalyst for their behaviour and if in my opinion nearly certainly when he leaves again you will be completely alone with an army against you! So I'd be getting out I'm worth more than this. No one who loves me would treat me and allow his family to treat me this badly and I think too much of myself to let it happen so I'd be off!

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 17/09/2018 13:14

I wouldn’t allow my oldest DS to be treated like that OP. So your DH excludes him too and he is left angry. That’s just not right and I would be calling your family and going away to sort yourself out.

Original poster
Tortoisecharlie · 17/09/2018 13:15

I had a bit of hope that DH was taking care of our family, he’s been great since he moved back, (apart from the going to see ILs without me,) and when I told him last month he started to just spend weekends with us. However this birthday party has just made me feel that his loyalties are not with me at all, even though he said that they were bullies he’s not just going he’s helping. Why would he do that if he felt they were bullies?

OP posts:
PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 17/09/2018 13:15

It does sound like DH is quite happy with the set up in which you and his family are entirely separate entities. It does sound a bit like he has one foot out the door.

Original poster
Tortoisecharlie · 17/09/2018 13:16

Sorry @aunty this is his sister. She is the matriarch of the family, everyone lives close apart from the one in NZ.

OP posts:
EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 13:17

OP I think you should be very careful. Is it possible that he came back to you because he missed your DD but is planning to leave again and take her with him?

In your position I really would LTB and move back to where you were before. But first, go and have a chat with a solicitor so you know what you can do in terms of taking your DD to live with you.

wotsit99 · 17/09/2018 13:17

OP it sounds as if he is in fact controlled by the female members of his family - not you.
He has issues surrounding this and lashes out at you and labels you as the controlling one because he can.
His sisters back him up / shit stir because they are territorial and dominant people and see you as a threat to be stamped on. He respects them more than he respects you.

Will your family / friends support you in moving back closer to them? You need to get yourself and your dd out of this unhealthy situation.

MrsPeacockDidIt · 17/09/2018 13:17

I think you really need to think about whether your relationship with this man is right for you. It sounds like he is making you believe your behaviour is controlling to make you out to the bad guy when in fact it's him.

He obviously bad mouthed you to SIL when he moved out.

And your poor son is also suffering from their excluding behavior. That alone would be the break point for me.

I think you need to think about leaving this man, maybe going back to where you have friends and/or family to support you

Original poster
Tortoisecharlie · 17/09/2018 13:17

@emerald I know, what do I do about the controlling label? Everything I say is just seen through that lens.

OP posts:
MorningsEleven · 17/09/2018 13:18

What do you mean by last month he started to just spend weekends with us?

Is he living at SIL's during the week again? Do you think there's a chance he's got another woman on the go?

BitOutOfPractice · 17/09/2018 13:18

You are being gaslighted in the most horrible way by a group of manipulative and toxic people

This. This a thousand times over.

And your husband is abusive.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/09/2018 13:18

Do you honestly feel you've had no part to play in this op? You may well be absolutely innocent, but it all seems so very hard to dissect. Basically, you're saying their whole family, including your dh, are absolute arseholes, and you've done nothing to deserve this. Why are you still with him if so?

TwoGreatOffers · 17/09/2018 13:18

You DH needs to grow a pair and tell his family that it's all of you or none of you. He made a commitment to you when you married, and if he can't be by your side then that commitment means little to him. And if that's the case then you need to think about getting him out of your life I'm afraid. I would be horrified if my DH's family did this to me (well actually, my exDH's tried to, and that's one of the many reasons he is my DH).

Cloglover · 17/09/2018 13:20

Sorry I hadn't seen your update before you posted. If I was you I would get a pt job. You sound very isolated. Go to cab or online and find out what financial support is out there. You can not carry on like this. You need to be able to articulate your feelings and opinions in a partnership. If you aren't able, it isn't a partnership.

BarryManilowRocks · 17/09/2018 13:20

Sounds like he was bitching about you to SIL during the separation and that is why she is now excluding you. He's letting her because he (1) can't unsay it and (2) probably relieved that you don't see each other any more so will never find out what he said. Not sure how you can sort this out.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 17/09/2018 13:21

What? Am I reading this right? He takes your daughter off to his sisters at the weekend. Every weekend? Without you or your son.

Sorry but this party is just the tip of the iceberg. It doesn’t sound like you have a marriage at all. He doesn’t respect you.

I can’t say if it’s him being a dick and bad mouthing you to them or the sisters bad mouthing to him. Either way the whole thing is toxic and nobody has your back.

It sounds like they’re trying to steal away your dd. How old is she? Sorry I may have missed it.

I would seek advice. And start planning. This man does not have your best interests at heart

PorkFlute · 17/09/2018 13:23

In all honesty after your backstory what I would do would be move back nearer to my family with your dd and let your ‘d’h take dd to see whichever relatives he pleased during his contact time.

TheBeatGoesOnandOn · 17/09/2018 13:24

So your DH abandons his wife and I'll daughter and you're in the wrong?

Who gives a fuck what these people think, H included.

I'd end the relationship with someone who can't stand the heat and isn't willing to stick up for his wife.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 17/09/2018 13:24

Sorry I missed the weekend only thing. So where is he in the week? And then having been away all week he takes your DD off at the weekend to see his family?

powerwalk · 17/09/2018 13:25

Well your dh's sister is calling all the shots and controlling the family including your dh, when he screams about being controlled, he is right, but he is not being controlled by you but by her.

She has convinced him to bring your child to her house without you, she has formed a relationship with your child or the while being abusive to you.

She will stop at nothing to exclude you. Dh makes some feeble attempt at standing up for you, but not really doing so (if he ever was) The gaslighting pp is spot on.

You do know you need to leave. Do it before he leave again and takes dd with him.