I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

OP - are you actually back together? and are you actually married?

Other posts of yours suggest you are not married and not together; if the SIL is under the impression you have split up this might make things make more sense.

How old is your DS? Is he year 11?

Just read the link to your other post. I'm shocked. You are trapped in a horrible situation if you stay. Can you return home? Is there family in the UK that could put you up until you get back on your feet?

Eek, OP.

Are you married or not? If not, does he have parental responsibility for your DD? And how old is your DS?

My dh would tell them to piss off

Get to a solicitor OP, tell them everything including your fears about the effect his family (particularly SIL) has and will have in the future on your daughter and the effect they have already had on you and your son. You will be able to limit and mitigate the damage to your daughter if you are away from them and repair that done to your son you have no hope of doing that if you stay in this toxic atmosphere.

They will back him, they will say and think awful things about you - let them you don't need to hear it or be a part of it.

OMG, it gets worse! 😱

You lost your father and received no support from your DH??

*Tortoise, you deserve so much better than this! I am very hesitant to advise people to LTB but in your case I honestly feel you should. As other pp's have suggested, I too think there is a strong possibility they are planning to take your DD from you.

Do you have a good relationship with your family? If so, PLEASE tell them what is happening. You need help and support.

I think you are being gaslighted here by your dh, you are only getting one side of the story about why you are not invited. For all you know the invitation was issued to all in your family but that information wasn't passed on. Have you spoken to any of his sisters since he left you or since he returned? You have to understand that ultimately they will take his side but you have nothing to lose really by asking for an explanation from you SIL instead of sending messages through your Dh.

Bollocks he defended your corner. He's a liar as well as unsupportive. He left- gave them some story which incensed them and has done nothing to fix the damage. Your only option if it happens again is to move back to where your support network is- he can have his bloody house. I wouldn't be allowing your daughter to attend all these events. If he wants to go- his choice. But he is complicit in separating you from his family. I'd be having it out with the SIL as to what he has said to turn her so badly, but that's me. I'd also be seriously looking at how I could move, as he has no respect for you and his family dont either.

Difficult about your son and schooling but the effect on him by staying where you are will be much worse in the long term.

I would start making plans to get your children out of that home.

You're being set up by your DH and SIL. He left for 3 months and you don't know why. It sounds like he's bad mouthed you to his sister and during that time they have planned how they are going to get custody of his daughter. He's come back because let's face it, once you went to a solicitor and said he abandoned you for 3 months with a sick child a Judge would not look favourable on that if he wanted custody.

He has come back to try to erase that and make you think everything is ok. Do not trust him!

DH wouldn’t go to something I had been excluded from. We are a team

This.

Whatever about you not being invited (and YADNBU to be upset), I'd be more upset that my husband thinks it's ok for his SIL to exclude you but to still attend. I most certainly wouldn't be allowing my DD to attend.

You could not have known that this would happen by moving. I am sure you would never have moved if you knew what was waiting for you.

Your ds may feel relieved to be away from all of this op, yes it is a bit of a change for him but not a bad one. The children have only just gone back to school so still a new school year relatively.

How old is he? Does he have exams etc? A year is a long time to wait in this situation not to mention the damage to him in the process. He may adjust much faster than you anticipate. Can you go home and he can pick up old friends? You can help tutor him if he has exams. You will have time to spend with him if your mother is caring for dd.

Time to really consider your options.

Your children are half YOU.
If you are a hated person, your in-laws are hating half of who your children are. It's simple. They have invited half your daughter. It is physically impossible for half her existence to attend. These family dynamics are not healthy. A lot of emotional and psychological abuse take place at such events where you are not there to protect your daughter. It may be subtle or overt but usually they would seize the opportunity to get to you through your daughter if she attends.

Whilst you and your husband are still married, I would implement a rule that people interact with your children only if they respect both parents. If they cant, children are off limits. Children have the right to feel safe at home, in their family and to feel that their significant relationships are stress and conflict free. Your child will see you and your husband on a daily basis. When someone disrespects either of you but accesses your child, they are making that home environment a potential battlefield.

Your DH has the right to attend on his own if he wishes. It's his family and there's no need to isolate him from them. Whatever his family dynamic is, it has worked for him and he grew up in it. There are many emotional push and pull factors for him. It would be unfair to expect him not to go. It may hurt you but let him go if he wants.

Keep your dd with you and make plans to leave your dh.

You have a disloyal, back-stabbing husband problem. Take the bull by the horns and leave him and move back.

I'd say LTB and take your children with you and then start divorce proceedings.

What do you do,about the co trolling label?

You do nothing, just because they say so, does not make it the truth

It's like insisting your a man when your not

Make plans op get your ducks in a row, and leave the disloyal fecker behind
And I fully agree plotting something around your daughter wouldn't surprise me

If he is biding his time, and they paint as an unfit mother and he leaves and takes dd what do you do then?

We can all see what a terribly vulnerable position you are in. His family (and possibly friends) can support any version of the truth. Who do you have to support your case?

No one, they have made sure of it.

He is already shown that he does not love you, does not have your back and has no interest in committing to your relationship.

The bigger question might be why the hell he is still there?

I am sorry this is so hurtful and painful, but really I think you need to be very very careful.

You don't have an inlaw problem. You have a "D"H problem. Waaaaay back in the day, my DH (then fiance) refused to stand up for me. For years. Created massive hatred and resentment in the end on my part and I ended up realised that his lack of willingness to grow some motherfucking balls and stand up for me made me not love him. In fact, I hated him, in the end. It was only when it came to a head and I said I couldn't be arsed anymore (and I genuinely meant it, and it felt so freeing to not give a shit about what they thought of me), and I stood up for myself to them that his attitude changed.

He should be standing up for you. You don't let a toddler/child get away with rude behaviour, why on earth would it be any different just because his pathetic adult family can't behave either?

“Your children are half YOU.
If you are a hated person, your in-laws are hating half of who your children are. It's simple. They have invited half your daughter. It is physically impossible for half her existence to attend.“

That’s a bit rough on the children where one parent is truly horrible, surely?

What powerwalk said.

I would say go now

Wow. This is about much much more than a party invite.

So you have moved to be near people that are horrible to you. You have given up work to look after your daughter. You have asked for some support when a group of people are acting nastily and childishly to you...and you're controlling?

Since he's already had counselling but doesn't believe the counseller I don't know what to suggest. What does he actually expect you to do in the situations you describe? If you see him feeding your daughter something that's going to make her ill, does he actually want you to keep quiet so he doesn't feel critiqued? Does he really expect you to not be upset he's not sticking up for you when you've been specifically excluded from a large family event despite not directly falling out with anyone?

Controlling behaviour is isolating you from family and friends, constant criticism, over reacting, threatening (eg to leave), trying to make someone feel like they are in your debt or make them feel guilty. Does any of this sound familiar to you??? It sounds like he is acting in the very way he is accusing you of.

It sounds like your current life is making you and your son unhappy. Is your daughter any better? Could you go back to work even part time? It sounds like he is getting everything his own way and you need to start making some changes. To make yourself happier and to have a back up plan if / when he leaves. It sounds a massive massive over reaction that he left. What has changed in the relationship for the better since then to make both of you think it won't happen again

In the short term...id be trying to get to the bottom of why his sister hates you. Maybe suggest the three of you meet up somewhere neutral to chat about what's happened and what you can do to put it all behind you and move forward in a more civil way. I'd be trying to kill her with kindness. I'd also be saying to my husband just how disappointed I was he wasn't sticking up for me. If you love someone you're not meant to be complicit in a group of people trying to exclude them and make them feel like shit. Unfortunately from what you've said I am not sure you will make much headway, they don't sound normal or reasonable.

If yoi cant compromise eg you all go for a very short time, I think you have to let her go if that what he wants. If you're not together in the future, like you say, he can take her there if he wants. Can you do something nice for yourself for the day to take your mind off it. Or start looking for jobs / local groups to join / divorce lawyers. Good luck

Op this is truly awful. You need to take control of your life here. Hes treating you so badly. What's worse is their bullying has extended to your ds well. So they have now made it very clear that your son isnt considered as family. And for your dh to accept that its disgusting.

If this doesnt Make you realise how bad the situation is then I'm not sure what else will. He has the audacity to leave you and then come back and still treat you this way. Make plans to leave him. If anything your poor son doesn't need to be treated like this.

You are being described as controlling because you are going against what they want. THEY are controlling. You are resisting, and then receiving that character assassination. They will never ever see that though, and unless you want to break yourself by fitting into their mould, you should think about leaving.

Your DH is on the side of his controlling and all-consuming family. He is someone who probably needs a much younger and more malleable wife who will quietly do his bidding and be a pet for his in laws. You do not sound like that and therein lies the conflict, one which is not resolvable.

DH and I are a team - he would never stand for this bullshit from his family (which is why we are NC with them) nor I from mine.