I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

He does love DD and is a good, kind, loving father, but, in my favour, he recognises very openly that I provide really good care for her, and have become really knowledgable about her needs. He even tells his family that. We’d have to pay for extra therapies if I hadn’t learnt how to.

What might be harder to argue is her education, it was hard enough finding somewhere reasonable here, and there will be a tough transition when I move. Her education will be disrupted whilst I go through hoops in a new area.

he even tells his family that
Do you know that or does he tell you that? I think it’s pretty clearly established you can’t trust the way he presents is communication with his family about you.

It doesn't pay to be naive when it comes to child custody issues. Nor does it pay to assume. The courts say they do what benefits the child and in many cases they feel that's 50/50 regardless of who works and who doesn't. Certainly they feel that it's best for a child to see as much of their father as possible (which I agree with in most cases).

Your ex is probably (with the backing of his parents/siblings) going to make a case for 50/50 as well as trying to bar you from moving. Do you really think he (or they) are going to let you 'keep DD away from them' with an every other weekend arrangement, let alone just 'waltz off' with DD back to your hometown?

You may want to consider whether or not you want to seek another legal opinion. I don't think advising you to 'cross that bridge' is offering much in the way of legal help, either. Personally, I'd be looking for a more proactive solicitor who will be willing to fight for what I want, or be able to clearly explain why I'm being unreasonable.

“I'd get moved ASAP. Your son will be upset to move schools etc “

It isn’t a question of ‘being upset’. He is IN YEAR 11. It would wreck his GCSEs.

Hope you’re doing ok, OP!