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AIBU?

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Original poster

I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

405 replies

Tortoisecharlie · 17/09/2018 12:28

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

OP posts:
mamas12 · 17/09/2018 12:49

No way would your daughter be going to be poisoned against you
You are right she will wonder why you aren't going so what will your dh tell her then eh, lie and say you're not well or tell the truth and say you're not invited
No way all the family or no one goes

powerwalk · 17/09/2018 12:51

There is something in your post that makes me believe (rightly or wrongly) that he is preparing/considering leaving you again.

Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue
DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own

Why did he leave last year?

There is a whole dimension to this story you have left out, and this could be why your SILs are so horrible to you.

Original poster
Tortoisecharlie · 17/09/2018 12:51

I do feel worried about splitting up and ILs backing up DH to the hilt. I feel vulnerable being in their territory as it were, with in job or support myself. This insistence on seeing DD by SIL without me makes me very uneasy indeed, she hasn’t got kids and has honed in on her. I’ve no idea what DH said while we were separated but he said that she got really angry about me and he ended up having to defend my corner several times.

Such a rubbish situation! I feel like I’m caring all week with DD just for ILs to pick up the fun times.

OP posts:
AllyMcBeagle · 17/09/2018 12:52

Have the issues around him leaving and coming back been resolved? Do he and the ILs blame you for the problems even though he is the one who walked out?

Have you considered counselling as a couple? It sounds like the fact he is willing to go with DD without you is a symptom of something deeper.

CatboySpeed · 17/09/2018 12:52

Why did your DH leave and what did he tell them? He’s your problem I think.

TheViceOfReason · 17/09/2018 12:55

You have a DH problem, not an in law problem.

Either he tells them to wise up and treat you with respect, or he cuts ties.

No way would i tolerate my husband allowing me to be treated like this.

He either does not love or respect you, or is a spineless twat. Do you want to be with either of those people? I wouldn't.

DarlingNikita · 17/09/2018 12:55

Sorry, but am I understanding this? He left but now you're back together, yes?

Your SIL is petty and spiteful and your DH is being hopeless. My DP would be up in arms if his family specifically didn't invite me to something even though I wouldn't mind

NonaGrey · 17/09/2018 12:55

In those circumstances my DH would refuse to come without me.

Over my dead body would my DD be going without me to a family that was deliberately excluding me.

Get yourself a job sweetheart. I’d be deeply surprised if your DH really was “defending” you. In your position I’d be strengthening my financial position.

BTW, you are married so half the house is yours.

BertrandRussell · 17/09/2018 12:56

It honestly depends. If I though my brother had returned, say, to an abusive relationship I wouldn't want his wife in my house, but I would want him and my niece........

Havaina · 17/09/2018 12:56

I wouldn't believe your DH when he says he says he stuck up for you. This is a man who is happy to go along to events his wife is excluded from. He does not have your back.

Put your foot down and say DD is not going. She is not going to be surrounded by people who hate her mother when you have done nothing wrong.

Bekabeech · 17/09/2018 12:57

I would be planning and arranging to leave him to be honest.
Get a job, move back closer to my family etc. Are you married? That makes a difference.

Also if he's come back because he wanted to I would have then made it clear that he owed me a lot, for me taking him back, and this behaviour is not good enough.

But really this situation isn't one that can last as it is. And so I'd make sure you have your ducks in a row.
And yes if you split there is nothing to stop him taking DD to SIL's birthday party on his weekend, but the rest of the time you will be her main influence.

sockunicorn · 17/09/2018 12:57

you have done nothing wrong and your DH left you. he needs to fix this. i would not be allowing my child into such a toxic situation.

and, to be honest, having been in a similar (not the same) position, i know my DH would refuse to go if his family were not invited. its all 4 of us or none.

BertrandRussell · 17/09/2018 12:57

And of course the OP has said nothing to suggest that she is an abuser. Just saying it may not be a surprise and dried a situation as it appears on the surface.

Dollymixture22 · 17/09/2018 12:58

Can I just clarify, the two sisters - are they your husbands sisters? You have revered to them as his SIL?

When you and husdand reconciled did you resolve the family issues?

It is extreme and very rude to exclude you and your son in this way. Unless you have had a big fall out with them, you might want to check what your husband has told them. Did he claim infidelity or abuse on your part?

Are you worried that he will leave and try to get custody?

powerwalk · 17/09/2018 12:58

This has to stop all of it.

He can not keep taking dd to his sisters for 'fun times' whilst constantly leaving you out. This in itself it is totally wrong. Especially as I suspect you are right, she could be poisoning your child against you as you have said even he got angry and has had to defend you several times.

This is totally unacceptable.

Most families have an all for one, one for all attitude. You take us as a family or not at all. You don't get to pick off the members you don't like and keep the rest.

The only course of action is to stop the visits, he can go on his own. No more cosy weekends with your child whilst they slag you off. Your dd does not go to the party, and I would say to dh he is very welcome to go alone but you are evaluating the relationship.

He has you cornered in terms of insecurity, with the threat of leaving, and the fact you are miles from your own home town and support.

I would actually consider leaving a man like this. The situation is entirely untenable.

HollowTalk · 17/09/2018 12:58

Hang on, he left you and she blamed you for it? For one thing, what the hell has it got to do with her? For another, it does sound as though your husband spent a good time slagging you off to her.

Are you sure you want to stay with this man? You're in an area with no friends or family, and his family excludes you, and then to top it all, he doesn't back you up.

It sounds like an awful situation to be in.

UnicornSparkles1 · 17/09/2018 12:58

Nope, fuck that shit. The four of you are a family. Either the family is invited or not. I wouldn't let them pick and choose.

Havaina · 17/09/2018 12:59

And yes, in laws will back DH to the hilt of you leave him but you can't change that so don't think about it. They backed him when he left you so you can't rely on their support anyway.

Whocansay · 17/09/2018 12:59

I would tell him to go on his own and stay there.

He's clearly been bad mouthing you, but is now unwilling to sort it out. He doesn't have your back. I think he's checked out of your relationship but doesn't have the balls to say so.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 17/09/2018 12:59

Do they badmouth you in front of your DD? That would be a deal breaker for me.
I wouldn't be happy with DH taking my DC in those circumstance, and I wouldn't take it from my side of the family either.
Your DH is to blame here though, he's created this mess and he needs to sort it out.

fuzzywuzzy · 17/09/2018 12:59

Your H obviously filled his family's ears with poison about you when he left you last year.

Did he leave you for someone else and it didn't work out?

I'd be sorting myself out, getting legal advice and looking for a job and enrolling my DD at school near my parents and looking to move back where my support network is.

Your H does not have your back, you can't trust him at all, he is prioritising his sisters over you. And setting a precedent where they spend lots of time alone with your DD which I would not allow frankly.

Who gives a fuck if he is your child's father, he left your child when she was very ill to live with his sister, he sounds like a crap father and a shitty husband.

Get your ducks in a row, your H has shown you exactly whom he prioritises and it's not you or your daughter.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 17/09/2018 13:00

My DH would no way attend under those circumstances. Unless there's a huge backstory they sound like horrible bullies and DH is enabling them.

Treacletoots · 17/09/2018 13:00

What @DDogMum said. the issue here is with your DH.

Why did you take him back after he left you? I guess the phrase, fool me once... is quite relevant. He's clearly not putting you first and that for me would be a dealbreaker.

BrisaOtonal · 17/09/2018 13:00

I think you have a DH problem, not a SIL problem. He has been badmouthing you and they are believing him.

Personally I think you should move back to be near your friends and family before they all collude against you and you have to fight to keep your DD.

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 17/09/2018 13:00

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Absent some genuinely horrendous behaviour on my part which meant I could entirely understand not being invited, my daughter would not be going anywhere that I have been actively excluded from, particularly when her father can't be trusted to back me up. It isn't fair on her at all and she simply won't understand that mummy isn't allowed to come to aunty SILs party, and you shouldn't be put in a position where you have to lie to her because they are being ridiculous.

DH could go by himself if he wanted but DD would not be going. It isn't controlling not to want your daughter exposed to people that have made it patently clear they don't consider you part of the family despite the fact you are their brother's wife and niece's mother. I'd be very concerned about what your DH has been saying about you to them to make them feel this way.

You are a family whether they like it or not. And you need to decide whether this is a family you want to be part of.