I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

Move back to your home town and see if he comes with you. Get a job, get some support and get you and your child the hell out of that rats nest of a family.

I would be questioning what on earth he had told them to cause such obvious hatred, to be honest.

And I'd be hurt, angry and upset that he'd go without me, let alone take your DD.

I can hand on heart say that neither DH nor I would do that to one another. It's cruel .

I a, slo concerned that your husband and his family are being this unkind to your son. What age is he?

Could you consider moving closer to your fiends and family? Then these people wouldn’t be as involved in your lives. Your relationship with your husband may well break down again

He clearly repeatedly and extensively slagged you off to his sister. Whether accurate or not who knows. She is now obviously furious with you due, as positioned to her, the dreadful way you have treated her beloved brother. So perhaps not that surprising she doesn’t want you around.

But your DH needs to put a stop to this and it would start to become a deal breaker for me.

This is to do with your separation rather than just usual in law drama I reckon.

I don’t believe that he was “fighting your corner”. That sounds a lot like a fib designed to get himself back home.

I think either he was seeing someone else and SIL liked her (or feels awkward, or both) or more likely has told her so much complete nonsense about what a monster you are that she is really cross that he’s gone back.

Why did you take him back?

My DP would never attend something if I had been excluded, whether it was his sisters do or not. Your DH has got no balls and no loyalty, he just wants to do whatever makes his life easier, i.e. take your dd to the party and not cause any dramas or confrontations. He's being selfish.
This issue would be a deal breaker for me.

Agree with powerwalk who said

There is something in your post that makes me believe (rightly or wrongly) that he is preparing/considering leaving you again.

particularly in light of these comments by you, OP

Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue
DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own

and when you add this comment to those

This insistence on seeing DD by SIL without me makes me very uneasy indeed, she hasn’t got kids and has honed in on her.

It's starting to sound very suspect.

What do you do? Make preparations to leave yourself, he is never going to be the husband or father you want and your child needs.

Is it his sister, or his brother's wife?

My husband wouldn't go to a party if I had been specifically excluded. And he's helping with preparations? So he's quite involved, he would probably have a say in the guest list.

DH says he left because he was very angry. I had asked him to not feed DD something (because it disagreed with her stomach) and he shouted at me and said our relationship was over. He can fly into a rage if he thinks I’m ‘controlling him’ he says, even though I feel quite wary of saying stuff and don’t really think I am.

We had been to counseling the year before and she had said DH needed to sort out some issues about his non commital attitude, but he didn’t. His SIL also thinks I’m not right and need counselling for my controlling behaviour. I feel like I can’t assert myself in the smallest way as it is branded controlling. It’s very confusing, really I feel totally out of control. I have no income of my own, isolated, caring for the kids all week and weekends I just see DH go off with DD to ILs who don’t like me.

That would be a relationship decider for me. We are a team and if my OH allowed his family to continually exclude me and my elder DS from a family party or other get togethes that would be the end. I do have an older DS to someone else and 3DC with him. His family are all about blood too and we had some tough conversations when his DC arrived. Sick of their comments about ‘their’ grandchildren and being a certain way. Your DH has clearly painted you in a sinister light hence the IL and SIL behaviour towards you. I wouldn’t allow them to take my DC and let my DC grow up thinking that’s normal to treat the mother with such disregard.....

A man who runs out when they going gets tough when their child was sick and then lets his family bully his wife, is not a man worth having.

I would not be letting DD go. That I would put my foot down on and if dh goes to this party then he can stay at SILs

I would be looking at getting myself a good divorce solicitor.

Like others have said I think he is planning on leaving with DD.

Pull the rug before he does.

So if you thought your brother had been badly treated by his wife, you would all welcome her into your houses?

DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months

I'm a bit confused. Are these two 'SILs' his brothers' wives or are they his own sisters?

If he went to live with just his SIL then that's quite odd.

I imagine your H was slagging you off to SIL. Something must have spark of that kind of hate.

I'd tell him, DD isnt going and if goes, then dont bother coming back.

He allows them to exclude 2 members of his family. I wouldnt stand for that shit.

We had been to counseling the year before and she had said DH needed to sort out some issues about his non commital attitude, but he didn’t. His SIL also thinks I’m not right and need counselling for my controlling behaviour. I feel like I can’t assert myself in the smallest way as it is branded controlling. It’s very confusing, really I feel totally out of control. I have no income of my own, isolated, caring for the kids all week and weekends I just see DH go off with DD to ILs who don’t like me.

You are being gaslighted in the most horrible way by a group of manipulative and toxic people.

Your husband doesn't sound very committed to the marriage.

If he left you and then went back wanting a second chance he should be fighting doubly hard to make your relationship work.

You're a married couple. You're a family and a team. It's not OK to invite one half of a married couple to a family event and exclude the other, and the person invited absolutely shouldn't go if their spouse has been excluded.

What oliversmumsarmy said. Fuck that shit, HE'S the controlling one, not you.

He left for 3 months because you asked him not to feed your DD something that makes her ill

So your DH shat on you by leaving out of the blue, and now he's shitting on you by allowing his family to exclude you . You'll disappear under a huge pile of shit if this carries on Op . Unless there is something you're not telling us regarding the reason he left, then his behaviour doesn't bode well for the future.

Not a hope my DH would go to family parties with our child and not me, if he wanted the relationship to continue.

Can I also add I am worried that they will expect to take dd if your dh leaves again. The constant private family gatherings, the honing in on your child, the lies and manipulation.

OP, is there a chance your dh is going to leave you and take dd with him?

Tread very carefully that they are not building a case to take her away from you permanently (unfit mother etc)

Why did he come back?

They have certainly already perfected the art of taking away every weekend. Something is very wrong with your situation, and every flag is fluttering with warning.

Take your dd back home whilst you still can. Don't tell him until you are there. You can not trust them. I would be worried that they have a plan that doesn't involve you long term.

Your husband had to fight your corner to his sister after he walked out on you.
Well, bollocks did he do that.

Get a job. Dump his sorry arse. Accept that family invitations will never include you as his ex wife.

They’re all shit, but he’s the worst. How awful for you

@dollymixture thanks my son is very aware that we are excluded and feels very angry and hurt. I always used to take both kids to ILs and my DS has had his self esteem pretty squashed, partly from this but also he made such a sterling effort to adjust to a new place and people. I

Is there something huge you are omitting? Have you done something terrible to justify the in-laws not wanting to welcome you back or were they always like this? (obviously you don't have to say what it is but it would be helpful to know if there was a big elephant in the room that might take them a while to adjust to) but regardless - if you and partner have patched things up, they need to accept you back into the family. They don't have to be boosum buddies but they should at least be civil. That extend to inviting you to family functions. Your partner should understand this! I would be very uneasy about my child being in their company without me if they hold something so big against you as they have proved they lack integrity. Especially as she is only 4. If she was a teenager that would be different. Yanbu.