I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

I'm so sad to read your update. Not regarding your son as family is so hurtful. I think you are doing what is right for you and your children 💐

That is a sad update but not a surprising one. The fact he is able to freely state your DS is not part of his family is really rather sad. Separating his DD from her DB at the weekends to visit his family is awful of him never mind your DH thinking it’s perfectly acceptable to exclude you too. He has treated you as a pod and nothing more and has shown you no respect and has not at any point supported you when dealing with his family. Time to move on and do what is best for you and your children.

OP

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
What do you think you will do next?
I feel like I want to give you a ton of advice with regards to how he handles things with DD and your family in future, especially as now you have split up, but I feel like it's too soon to go down that route.

I'm am glad to hear your seriously considering your sons future with regards to his school. Although I can see that's a massive headache for you.
Are you able to rent somewhere near by?
Or even halfway between the two places and DS get a train or bus? How do your options look?

I know it probably feels awful now but believe me, you are better off. He was an arsehole to say DS wasnt his family. He was an arsehole to be utterly unable to see things from your perspective or have your back with his family and it goes without saying that he will have said some shit stuff to his family about you which would have created all this mess in the first place.

See everything with eyes wide open now. He has caused it to get this bad.

From this point onwards it's all about you and your children and being together.

Ah, well, it's all out in the open now, isn't it? I feel for you and your children, both of them. But I'd also say that he's made a difficult decision a little bit easier. At least it would be for me.

I think your plan to rent for the rest of the school year is a very good one. A better one would be for you and the children to remain in the home and for HIM to rent for the rest of the school year. After all, he could do with a one bedroom flat, you'll need at least two bedrooms if you share with DD. DS is of the age where he needs his own room.

If you don't think DH will go for that voluntarily, I think you should seek legal advice. It's not unreasonable for you to not want to move the DC two times in the next 7-8 months. If you gave him that reason and the definite plan to move at the end of the school year, do you think he'd be reasonable? Actually, you should probably seek legal advice anyway. Always a wise thing to do.

My thoughts go out to you ... a horrid situation and you definitely are the victim. Stay strong and I hope it sorts itself out!

I'm so sorry, but at least you how know better what your future needs to be, and you won't be wasting time on a relati9nship with no real future.

What he said about ds was horrible, that's really, really crap.

Yes, he should be the one moving to a flat. Get a solicitor on it asap. You can bet he would, without compunction. With luck he won't think of it and nor will anyone in his family.

You also need to start getting your finances sorted, in that you need copies of his pay slips/bank statements etc. Keep in a safe place where he won't find them (send them to your mum's?).

Sorry to throw all that at you, but you do need to.

I'm sorry op, of course he knows he should stick up for you with his family, he's acting non plussed because his family are reacting to what he is telling them. He simply doesn't know how to respond to it and tell you that.

I think it's fairly clear he doesn't wish to be in a relationship with you, I'm sorry, he doesn't wish to be a family with you, for whatever reason. So you're right, it's time to end it, for all your sakes, and stop rhe pretence. It's doing no one any favours and it will damage the kids.

I think you should apply for a residence order asap, in case he decides not to return dd after his contact time.
he could keep her until he gets a residency order and/or stop you from seeing her until that point.

be aware that the longer you stay in the area, he can get a prohibited steps order to stop you moving away.

be smart and be careful.

Thank you. I’ve been feeling desolate, however reading your posts gives me strength.

My mum is lovely although she is of the mind that I’m overreacting. She’s quite a passive person and wants me to try and save my marriage.

My friends can’t believe I’ve lasted this long, think my ILs have treated me very badly and say they always felt like I was treated like a lodger. They feel uncomfortable visiting. I was surprised I didn’t know they felt like that.

I’m looking at rentals. I know I could fight for the house, however DH is very, very attached, it was his for years, and I don’t want to stay in the area anyway. The fight would drain me and I know DH would not move out until he had to, which could take months. It’s cleaner if we rent, although it is disruptive for the kids.

I keep thinking about the DS is not his family comment. My DS is a sweetheart. He’s lovely. He has been kind and warm to DH, and adjusted to a different area, DH just doesn’t care about him. He can’t think I’m his family either in that case. DH tried to justify it later by saying that I’d say that his my mum and older daughter weren’t my family either. I’d never say that, in fact I tried to make them feel like family.

I know it worries me about him getting a prohibitive steps order. It’s a risk. I think that I have to take it but I’ll see a solicitor, I have an appointment Monday. I’ll ask them about a residence order. Have seen a couple of places that I could rent, although I have no job! I’ll see if I can pay upfront.

Sorry it has not worked out as you'd have liked.
In your place I would go back and change the locks to the house as you obviously don't have the funds to rent till June when your ds finishes GCSEs. See a lawyer about the fact that he abandoned the family home before and therefore can live with what he considers 'his family' and can live outside of the family home while as you can't becoz you have been taking care of dcs and the dcs need stability as they are in school. Remember it's you + dcs vs him + ILs.
However you are not me and you are very vulnerable to his manipulations so maybe it's best to avoid any confrontations with him coz you'll end up succumbing to his will.
Sending you strength wishes as you decide what to do and stick to it fot your dc's and sanity.

Sending hugs, be strong for your children. How incredibly hurtful that your husband doesn't see his step son as his family. You 'll come out of this on the other side feeling a million times better, wondering why didn't I do this before? All the best for you and your children.

Hope the solicitors went well and you have a plan in place for a brave new life ahead! Thinking of you, you are very strong and absolutely doing the right thing.

He is writing things specifically to show in court!!!!
Do not say anything more via text or message!

I do have a plan. The solicitors were fine, maybe not the greatest but not the worst either. They think that I would have a very good chance of staying in the house, however getting him out of the house could, and probably would, drag on until next year anyway. I don’t want to live under the same roof. I’ve briefly discussed this with DH and he says he will help me find a flat financially. I believe he will, as it will still mean we are living in the same town and he is very attached to his image as a very good guy.

The moving away is trickier. The solicitor advised crossing that bridge next year, but that I may have to have ready the reasons it will benefit DD to move. As she’s registered disabled, and I’m her primary carer, he said I’d have a good case for moving nearer to daily support from my mother and family. The closer she is to his ILs however this will go against me, but if I can build a case that DD being taken against my wishes to his ILs for long periods is not good for her wellbeing, well it’s all a bit tricky. I’ll try and insist DH sees DD as much as possible in my flat, with me, for short periods, perhaps for activities?

Anyway, I need to ensure that contact is not 50/50 and that it is feasible to carry on when I love away. DH works long hours all week so he won’t go for 50/50 anyway.

When I live away sorry.

Sounds like you have a plan OP. I consider renting in the town you’re in until after your DS has finished his GCSEs then plan to move over the summer before he starts college.

In the mean time, try to plan to take both kids back to see your family at least once a month if not every other weekend.
Get those relationships built up with your side of the family while still allowing weekend access to DD for your H.

Then you can prove if you have to that DD is just as close to your family and so you shouldn’t be stopped from moving

That’s a good idea, I need to set up a pattern. I’ll start every month, as the kids will be a bit exhausted with moving, then more frequently going to stay at my mums.

I told my mum and family more and they’ve now completely seen what it’s like for me, and agree it’s a bad situation. Mum now seems quite keen to have me move back and has had no more talk of trying to save my marriage. It’s made it, sadly quite real. I knew once I said ILs had excluded me from the biggest family event they’ve had in years, and DP had just accepted it, that they would not see him or ?ILs in the same light again.

Move back op.
You will be stuck in his hometown for years otherwise.

I'd get moved ASAP. Your son will be upset to move schools etc but I guess he knows his step dad doesn't like him so he'll be glad to be away from him…

Don't be so sure he won't go for 50/50 simply because he works long hours. The fact that he has family nearby who might be able to be used for (or say they'd be willing to provide) childcare will work in his favour if he does try for 50/50. Many divorced mums also work long hours and rely on childcare and no one says 'Oh, they shouldn't have 50/50 because they work'.

I think the idea of going home for frequent visits is a good one. Are there any clubs or activities your son or DD might like there? Something that might give them a connection to your hometown when the time comes to petition? It's also a good idea to have your side of the family as much of a 'presence' in their lives as his.

Getting my kids connected to my home town is a great idea, I know he complains even when we visit that he’s not got his friends. He asked why we have to go visit my mums again and can’t he stay. I must look up activities. He’s getting a bit anti having things organised for him though. DD is young enough to make friends easily later.

I guess he could go for 50/50, I just perhaps naively think if a parent is available to do 90% of the childcare that a court would back that and not extended family or childminders? Especially as she has a disability which needs special care.

As awful as it seems bringing to attention the fact your dd is disabled /has a disability, the fact you are her primary carer is surely a massive positive for you to have the most say /residency? Does stbexh cope with her?

Your dh is the problem