I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

Is it too late to approach his family directly? Maybe one of the saner ones, without your husband in tow, and find out just what the problem is? He's very clearly bitched and whinged about you and they've all happily taken it at face value. Would they entertain hearing your side of things? Your husband sounds like a spineless snake. I'm so sorry that he's making you so unhappy.

Absolutely. Your in laws are understandably on your husband's side- you have no idea wht he is telling them. He is the issue, not them.

If he wanted you there, you'd be invited. He doesn't want you there. This is him making sure you're not invited. He wants to go with his daughter.

Do not challenge your inlaws, this is not about them. They are simply going on what he is telling them. They will believe him, as your mother will believe you.

The issue here is your husband. He is not being honest with you.

Gaslighting is awful
And he's been doing it to you for years!
You want out and that is absolutely the right thing to do.
Well done on recognising that this cannot and should not continue.
Time to get yourself and your DC away from abuse.

Take your DS and DD to your family today pack up now and get the kids early from school. Run today before it's to late because DH is planning on leaving with your DD asap.

He may even has a job in NZ and that's why you aren't invited to the 'party' and his spending less time in the family home sorting it out?

I'm confused about the New Zealand thing.

I read it as one sil usually lives in NZ but is coming to the UK? And not nice sil is a different woman?
Your partner isn't intending to take dd to NZ afayk?

Regardless, I agree with pp. He is building up a picture of how he cares for dd so he can get full custody when he leaves you.

Wow.

So husband runs down wife to family and its OK that they ostracised her, turn her away from family functions? Etc etc

Surely op has slim relations with them or enough that her dh can't just run away with mad accusations and no one cares for the truth. Wow. I'd like to say I will definalty always seek the truth and make my judgements in that.

Sadly in laws can be too quick to turn on the non blood family member if they never felt comfortable with them or were jealous.
Reasonable people wouldn't just turn on someone like this without some actual evidence. It does no one any favours and now we have a situation where op may take that grandchild else where.

Very very ignorant

Honestly? It sounds like you are in a really unhappy relationship. All of you sound like you feel absolutely miserable in the situation you are in and the relationship is well on it’s way into the process of breaking down and I also suspect that deep down both you and DH know that. I suspect his family know that too which is part of the reason for this detaching.

In your situation I would be ending the relationship, it doesn’t sound like either you, your children or even your DH are getting any happiness out of the current situation.

But the party, yes, let her go with DH but on the understanding that you are now definitely in the process of splitting and as a bit of a recognition that this is how it is going to be sometimes going forwards as you are splitting.

I know that the way they have gone about this is hurtful. But it sounds like the best thing is to split, and when you do split he will have access and during that time she will spend time with his family while you are not there and you won’t be able to stop it. So rather than resisting that my inclination would be to say ‘Yes, fine, you two go alone, that’s appropriate because this relationship is finished’.

Would you even get any enjoyment or pleasure out of going to spend a day with him and his family? It sounds like if you were invited you would have a miserable, unpleasant day with people you don’t like and a husband who isn’t very nice or loving towards you. Just let them go together, as I said above, on the understanding you’re splitting and this is how it is now.

So husband runs down wife to family and its OK that they ostracised her, turn her away from family functions?

Well it's understandable. If I told my parents I hated my husband, he was abusive and controlling, that I was being forced to live in this situation for my child's sake, and that I didn't want my husband at the party to please not invite him, my parents would not phone up my husband and say "alright dude, blunt is saying this about you, what's your side of the story" they'd respect my wishes.

I'm shocked yours wouldn't and you wouldn't respect your own child's.

Oh. And the advice to take your children and go to your mother’s is bad. If it is the marital home don’t leave the house. It’s likely you would be entitled to stay there if you are the resident parent and you need a stable base for DS to finish school.

I think some of the suggestions he might go and not bring her back or is taking her to angle for custody are a bit hysterical. It doesn’t sound like he is very interested in childcare if you’re looking after them all week and all weekend. Plus you think he was meeting women last time you split. I don’t think that he sounds like the sort of person who would want the effort of custody.

"So husband runs down wife to family and its OK that they ostracised her, turn her away from family functions? Etc etc"
When my child was in an abusive relationship, I would not have invited him to a family event. I was not prepared to condone his behaviour. Nobody has any idea what this man has told his family about the OP. It is absolutely his responsibility, not his family. They can invite or not invite. He can support to OP or not.

@Bluntness100 your analogy made me ‘lol’ 😂.

I was meaning to go away for the weekend FYI. Not pack everything up and leave for good on Friday afternoon. Just for the op to spend some time with her mum and the people who love / support / know her. Maybe she’ll get some comfort / empowerment / strength to come back and deal with this situation.

*Take your DS and DD to your family today pack up now and get the kids early from school. Run today before it's to late because DH is planning on leaving with your DD asap.

He may even has a job in NZ and that's why you aren't invited to the 'party' and his spending less time in the family home sorting it out?*

What??

Why is so many people saying he is going to take DD away from her and trying to get sole custody? as if it was so easy...she is the main carer. Of course he is not going to run away with DD to NZ, that would be kidnapping!!

When my child was in an abusive relationship, I would not have invited him to a family event

Exactly Bertrand. You don't ask the partner to validate it and decide which side you will take. You believe your unhappy child

What shocks me most about this is when you read it, it's abundantly clear this isn't about the inlaws, it's about her husband. The husband who suddenly left her, the husband who is away during the week, the husband who takes the kid on his own to thr inlaws at the weekend, the husband who won't fight for her to come to thr party, the husband who feels that's ok but wishes to take the kid to thr party.

But the op doesn't see it. She sees it as simply her inlaws have taken against her.

If this was th case her husband would not go without her. End of.he would not visit them without her. He'd constantly stress his dismay and consider going no contact.

Whatever the husband is telling rhem, they are doing what most families would do, believe their child, protect them, and exclude rhe abuser, either becayse of personal objection or because your child asked you to.

The ops marriage is over.the husband just hasn't told her. But his family has.

Have you spoken to your in laws at all? Did your MIL say anything about SIL? I am just wondering if your DH met another woman when he moved away, or if his SIL is actually not his sister, but a relative of a siblings spouse, could they have started a relationship together? This would create jealousy and anger towards you, especially if she knows you are in a relationship with him during the week, whilst she plays wife every weekend.

I am very confused as to why he moved in with his SIL anyway. If she were his sister I might understand better. I am concerned, they are creating a new family, where your DH and SIL are Mummy and Daddy and they visit his family together with your DD every weekend. This is a very F*cked up situation. It is dangerous and I am afraid you don’t realise just how dangerous it is!

You need to leave now, before he can get a court order and make out that you are running away with his child. Your ds needs to know just how sinister his SF is and that you need to escape, to protect his little sister and yourself! You are in a fortunate position that you have been to counselling where the counsellor has pointed out that he is controlling and that you have become invisible. I feel that if this were not joint counselling, she may have advised you to get out of your marriage to safety!

She's already clarified he has two sisters, it's actually his sister, not someone he is fucking 😱

I thought that it was his sister, however the OP has repeatedly called her SIL in reference to her DH. Which is why I am asking! Even if it is not his sister in law, he is living a different life from OP, he could be taking their daughter anywhere at the weekend. He could be having an affair, if OP has had zero contact with her in laws since they split up, they could actually be under the impression that her marriage is over.

I don’t trust anything that her DH is telling her, he is manipulating every word that she says and has her in a position where she is so confused by what he is saying she is saying, that he has had her agree to taking their daughter to this party. When she had previously made a strong decision to leave and head to her family with both of her children.

OP has said it’s her DH sisters but then says ‘DH SIL’ rather than ‘DH sister’ which is confusing as it reads like it’s DH brothers wife, not DH sister.

Agreed with other posters your DH
Is gaslighting you and rewriting history to make you the villain. You can’t believe a word he says. You have no idea what he has been telling his family about you.
Do you even really know that you’re banned from the party or is it just something he has said to you.
He is deliberately belittling you and ignoring your feelings to control you. He doesn’t believe you to be controlling, his not confused and doing it by accident he is deliberately twisting everything to keep you on the back foot.
Get out go to your mums and don’t let him eat away at any more of your self esteem.

Whether it is his sister or sil that lives in the UK I think that they are planning on him moving in with UK sil or sister again and sil or sister is going to look after dd and present themselves as a settled family You can go away with your Ds you were just the brood mare. I doubt they will make it easy for you to see her again

They will throw everything at you and present you as a controlling harridan who is not fit to look after their brother/bils child.

I wouldn’t be surprised if because you have mentioned splitting up if he takes her to this party they will not return

You will never win with this man. He does not understand, or even care about you one iota.

Please leave. And do NOT let your dd go to this wretched party. Who gives a shit if he/they think that's controlling of you? They are not in charge of you, any of them.

Hi @Tortoisecharlie 😊.

I've read through the thread. How are you doing? Have you given things anymore thought?

Thanks everyone. I do need to act everyone is right. I had hope when DH said he understood, however now I don’t believe he sees how bad this is for us. I’ve no will left to try and reason with him. He wants to pretend that everything is really fine but it isn’t. Not for me.

@bluntness he had finally stuck up for me with his Mum, which was the ‘words’ SIL was referring to. He told her to stop excluding me and treat me better. She told her daughter and she decided not to invite me. Which was why I was particularly upset. They basically punished DH by excluding me again. SIL justified it by saying that she didn’t want people awkward at the party. DH should have rammed the point home with them at that point by saying you can’t exclude her etc but obviously chose not to.

Me and DH at a complete stalemate. I’m taking DD to my mothers tomorrow as I pick her up from school anyway. He can say what he likes I don’t care at this point. I can see no future. I’ll have a chat with my family and friends, see if they can help and advise about schooling and moves. I contacted a friend tonight and she said that I can move in with her if need be. It’s really kind of her. I’ve a lot of good friends back home. I’ve one good friend here and I told her but I don’t think she got it. She just thought I shouldn’t care about ILs.

Well done for taking these first steps to getting away. I’m glad to hear that your friends back home are being so supportive.