I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

Btw it is definitely his sister banning me from the party. I saw the messages to him.

Apologies for confusing use of SIL - my keyboard broke attached to my iPad so I’m slowly writing this on touch screen, and not thinking clearly.

And people are right, I should have left already. I guess I kept doubting myself. I thought, are they really still being mean about me? Is DH going round so often? He’s very vague and it’s the gifts that DDs constantly being given by SIL that started to make me realise how often he was taking her there. He’d say he was just taking DD to shops and then his Mum, that kind of thing.

Thanks Orlaith and others.

Honestly, if I hadn’t written here I’d have never even spoken up in the first place. Let alone thought about acting so soon.

Sadly in laws can be too quick to turn on the non blood family member if they never felt comfortable with them or were jealous.

That is so true. I realise there’s always been quiet animosity to me. It was like they were just waiting to spring into action. DH has enabled them all.

I don’t want to be anywhere near them now, or their influence. I want them as distant as possible and if DH won’t at least protect our family unit, then I’ll have to as best I can.

I am so glad that you are leaving him! He is abusive and controlling and you are not going to realise how bad his mind games have been, until you have escaped and the freedom wipes away the gaslighting layer that has been making you question yourself.

Have a read of Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforum-21

there was a pdf copy online but it’s been taken down.

I came on this thread believing that there was a chance that your husband and you could fight for the marriage and with enough bolstering he would fight against the control. I now don’t think there is anyway back from this whatever the truth or whatever he is saying to his family.

You say your sil is instigating or at least perpetuating this situation. Not your mil. As you haven’t spoken to your mil, this may be the truth or it could be more manipulation to confuse you and make you believe there’s a chance or way back in with his family. If it is your sil, I think it is likely she’s decided she wants your child. If it is the whole family, your sil still wants your child.

Either way, some or all of this family including your husband see you and your ds as optional at best and at the very least one sees you as dispensable. Even if your husband weren’t being such an arse, you should definitely want to be more than an option. You should be first choice.

I am on the wrong page now but I think Bluntness said something about your marriage being over and your husband just hasn’t told you yet and your in laws are telling you so. I totally agree with this.

Can you get screenshots of any messages and email them to yourself? Anything, which substantiates that you are not a mad woman for taking your child away if / when you do and any ensuing custody battle will be useful. If you temporarily remove sil as a contact from your husband’s phone, it will come up as the actual phone number as opposed to “sisters name”.

Thanks @caledonian I’ve ordered that book. And thanks @mummy I appreciate your time and thoughts. I had also hoped DH would be strong enough. Unfortunately the ILs ganging up happened as he was not invested in us - when he left - and therefore a vulnerable time between us - and if anything has got worse over time.

I think a very damaging thing happened when he moved in SIL. He obviously bad mouthed me which seems like it was music to SILs ears. She’s the main matriarch and bosses everyone, including her mother, so her word goes. DH I think felt grateful to SIL for helping him out, and has made more of an effort to see her. SIL strongly loves DD who she’s always said ‘was just like her’. And DH does not stick up for us, or me, being convinced I’m controlling. What a total mess and waste of a marriage. I cannot win here, I’ll always be fighting, defending.

I can’t get screen shots as DH regrets showing me the messages now. I have one message last year from SIL saying that ‘the whole family were distraught about what DH is going through’. I said but I’m a part of your family, and left it. I didn’t want drama. I have also been ignored by MIL in the street, and any attempts at cordial contact from me to all of them have gone ignored over the last year. I don’t know if that counts in legal battles, I hope it won’t get to that.

I’ve dropped DD at school and bought some wine to take to my mothers. My family are supportive, and I get on with them really well. My mum is not in good health so I’m a bit worried about going full pelt and upsetting her, but I’ll sound her out. They’d all love to have me back though! And DD/DS, they miss them.

I know DH will not want me to move, however I feel strong on any custody case. I hope I’m not fooling myself. I’ve looked after DD full time and even have given up my job to do it and even DH acknowledges that I’m a very good mother.

He will, I’m sure, be taking DD to SIL eow however that can’t end well long term surely. One day DH will meet someone else and they won’t want to sit around SILs house! And when DD is older she will pick up on the animosity.

OP, you keep saying you’re leaving him. But you also said that you are at a stage of your DS schooling where he can’t leave so you’re stuck in the area for the time being. You need to go and see either a solicitor or the citizen’s advice bureau to check what your rights are here. It sounds like you are going to be the resident parent so I’m thinking that it may well be preferable for you to stay in the family home and tell him to leave instead. He has the benefit of family in the area so he has somewhere he can go and stay easily. I don’t see why you should go through the hassle of moving.

For one thing both your children have been through a lot of upheaval and uncertainty with him leaving and then coming back but not really being committed. It would probably be good for them during the split to have the same home, the same toys, the same clothes, the same school or nursery they are used to and familiar routines.

Do you think you can talk him into going that way, that it’s for the children’s welfare they need to be in the same place?

Thanks @gerard - I do worry a lot about schooling and upheaval. My DS is on his final year, which is why I feel very bad about leaving. He has all his friends here now too and a girlfriend.

However I really think I need to face up to this, his family are too dominant. If I stay I fear that DH will start bringing DD around every weekend to my SILs again. Or like now, it’s caused a massive argument because SIL has banned me from this birthday. But insisted DD us there which DH backs up.

If DH had continued to spend his weekends with us instead of ILs then I would have been able to keep my family whole and away from the toxicity. DH will not move without a fight. I know that. That’s the main reason apparently his SIL was angry in the first place, that I’d dared to stay in his home (as she sees it, he’s lived in it for 15 years, we’ve been there 8), when DH left. DH refers to it as his home, but I know I have rights to it. I just don’t see the point in staying here, it’ll always feel like DHs home anyway. I want to be near my family. I’ll talk to them about whether I rent temporarily to see DS through the year, or just move back straight away.

I also worry if I convince him that the kids need to remain here, that I’ll never get to leave. Then there’ll be a better case for DH for 50/50, and you can bet it won’t be him doing the majority, it will be SIL who will be falling over herself to help.

I think you should move. The only one I feel sorry for is your Ds who has established a friendship group and has a gf.

I forgot how old he is but I am presuming he is in year 6

At that age I think that the changing of schools academically isn’t a biggish deal but it will be the friendship groups that are going to be the most upsetting to leave for him.
I would get him on Facebook as a means of keeping up with his friends and be prepared for weekends he might want to have a sleepover at his gfs etc and you reciprocating.

Otherwise if you go now and get them settled into a school near your family then it will be harder for the 50/50 care. He would get her Eow and you could put in place something that he has to not meet up with his family whilst she is in his care

I would be packing today and when you leave this afternoon I would not be returning.

You have already put him on warning you are going to leave. Sis and him would present as having a perfect family set up for your dd.

I would be at the school gates early and already packed and ready to go this afternoon.
I would also make sure he doesn’t get to the school first and remove her .

You need to ring the school and email them that it is only you that is to pick dd up today. Maybe get them both early.

Good luck op.

I do not know why everybody is telling her to leave, she is not going to leave. She is constantly making excuses as to why she wont leave, so just leave her to it.

No doubt another thread will pop up in a few weeks or months time complaining about the situation.

OP nothing against you but if your life is that miserable can you imagine how your children must be feeling living in that environment you and your DH is currently creating. Think about that before you think about your own selfish needs.

This marriage is not going to work it has no future, pull up your big girls knickers and get as far away from this toxic situation for the good of your children.

Wtf @Beaverhausen. How uncalled for.

I live in hope that the op won’t return after this weekend.

Tortoisecharlie your dh is about to pull the plug on your life and returning to his house after this weekend will be putting the you in more and more danger of losing your dd.

Just a question Tortoisecharlie are you actually bothered about losing your dd to your SIL.

I know we have all advised you what to do to prevent this happening but up till now there hasn’t been any real action to prevent it happening.

Are you planning on returning after this weekend and not bothered what happens.

I can see if you return you and your Ds living in a rented flat in the area near his family just because you need access to your dd.
You will then be stuck for good with no support.

Very inappropriate comment Beaverhausen. No mother leaves a marriage lightly , the OP has to be sure she’s making the best decision for her and her children.

Most women’s instinct is to ‘fix’ whatever is wrong and it can take a long time to work out that your can’t repair a broken marriage alone. And that just ‘ waiting for things to get better’ usually doesn’t work .

Just a question Tortoisecharlie are you actually bothered about losing your dd to your SIL.

That’s a little bit hysterical. It sounds like she feels she has a close bond with DD but I’m a little uncomfortable with the assumption childless women are out to steal other people’s children.

The OP is the primary carer nobody is going to take her child off her. Family members can’t just waltz in and take children. We have, like, laws about kidnapping and stuff.

Orlaith The op has written about this for months. Everyone virtually has told her what her future holds if she stays.

The impression I get is everyone is telling Tortoisecharlie what will happen. Yet as things fall apart the way posters have told her they will, it seems a surprise to the op and she asks again for advice.

I am just hoping this weekend will be the start of her new life back with her family with the support she needs and she doesn’t return

Geraldine

The primary caregiver is open to interpretation if the dd is staying with her father and sister on a Friday to the Monday morning.

It wouldn’t be the family who takes the ops dd but the father.

I think the reason I asked the question if the op was bothered is because after her other thread the consensus was certain things would happen and the advice was to leave before dd started school and ds had started his final year because it would make it more difficult to move them after.

Yet it is now nearly the end of September. Op hasn’t moved, dd is in school Ds has started his final year and op was saying she was going to leave moving until after Ds had finished his school not realising she might not have that time to do things on her own terms.

The OP is the primary carer nobody is going to take her child off her. Family members can’t just waltz in and take children. We have, like, laws about kidnapping and stuff

This

OP, while you decide what to do, if I were you I wouldn't allow my partner to take the child away from me at weekends. Just tell him that you want to be with your child too and you are not happy about not being with her and spending time as a family. He cannot force you not to be with her, if you want to be with your child you've got every right to, and because your SIL doesn't want you at her place, well...that means your DD doesn't go there either.

Is the above thread you with a different user name?

The circumstances seem similar except for it's a DS not a DD?

@ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual @Orlaith Sorry ladies but not apologising not being spiteful or anything but realistic and probably what most are thinking anyway.

This is not the first time OP has posted about how unreasonable her DH and inlaws are and have been and no doubt wont be the last.

Yes we should all stand by each other and empower each other but there is no use pandering to someones sensitivities when they have themselves will not sort out their problems.

So OP are you and your DC with your mum or have you let your DH take your DD to the party?

Don't let him take your DD, there is a ery good chance he will refuse to return her given you told him you are going to leave.

Yes we have laws but they can't reach into the emotional mess and control ops sil could inflict on her dd about her.

Undermine her, shake her dd faith in her own dm... Anything to protect her own bond and that can happen from Friday to Monday.

Eg.. You know mummy has issues? Your poor daddy having to cope with mummy etc

Laws can't protect the brainwashing of a child, or the silent loss of confidence in a mother that has been totally isolated.

I don't think you can trust your dh to do the right thing. I would absolutely consider moving immediately to your mothers. Your sons' final year is important but not as important as your long term security and happiness and safety.

I’ve taken DD and DS to my mothers. Had a good chat last night with a couple of my closest friends too while my mum babysitted. I told them I want to come back to live here. I told my other family members today too. I haven’t really told them much recently, however they did know DH left for 3 months last so they weren’t totally surprised.

It was just so nice being with people who accept me and care about me. Such a welcome relief. Not having anyone to call who lives near during the week with DD is so isolating. On top of that the feeling that DHs family don’t like me has eroded my spark.

Just to clarify DD isn’t being taken all weekend, she doesn’t stay overnight ever at SILs, however most weekends in the afternoon DH would be visiting his sister or mother, he’d combine it with taking DD to the park.

I’ve decided to move by Christmas, if not before. My friend and my mother have both offered their places, but I’d rather find our own place if necessary. I’ve not told the kids yet, I want to tell DH first. I’ve got a list of schools that I’ll contact next week, and I’ve put myself on a few rental agency lists. I feel incredibly sad now I’ve actually started to put things in place, but it’s just got to that point.