I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

DH was upset that I took DD, and said it was best not to talk to him. I said that I wanted to have a serious talk when I got back, that I needed to be somewhere that I wasn’t disliked and had support. Today I got some texts asking how my family were and how we were. He even asked if it was okay to call my Mum and ask how she was.

Sounds like you are having a lovely weekend. Just what you needed. It’s great you have the offer to stay somewhere so if the situation takes away turn you can leave a little early. Can’t believe your DH was actually going to call you mum! What reaction does he expect from her given his and his families behaviour! Although it might be a ploy to test the waters... stay strong, your doing brilliantly

You're not going to agree to him calling your mum, though, are you? Don't give him the opportunity to even try to get her onside.

He's going to be telling people a lot of lies about you, so don't let him do that with anyone in your family or friendship circle.

Why does he think it's best not to talk to him? Because he'll be utterly vile, spoiling for a fight? I wonder if he'll give you the chance to have a serious talk with him.

So relieved that you are taking steps. Good luck.

Jux is spot on. He's going to try to get your mum on side. Keep him away from EVERYONE on your side. He's lost the privilege of being pally with your family by not demanding his family respect you.

Honestly?

I wouldn't go back.

Move now.

Leave the children with your mum and/or friends, and go get their things . And yours, of course.

Contact the local authority near you and get them into a new school asap. 10 school days or so and they should be in a new school... half term is coming in a few weeks ... it's a good time to make the switch anyway.

Just do it.

Sorry, I am sure you have said this, but how old and what year is your eldest?

You’re doing so well standing up to them. Personally if you could, I would move now. The moment you start planning and telling your husband, this will give him and his family opportunity to close ranks and prevent you from going. From other people’s stories I’ve read on mumsnet, legally the father can prevent you from moving away with his child. So I’d find out what his and your legal rights are before you start telling him you're going.

I’m also rather confused as to the age of your eldest. Is your ds in yr6 or yr11. Either way, doesn’t he need to get in the correct school ASAP?

To add to that. Perhaps you shouldn’t even go home. Idk. Invent your ds being sick and see a solicitor in your home town.

I wouldnt go back :(

I too wouldn’t go back, stay with your mum or friend contact the councils schools admissions on Monday and sort out school places for both dcs.
Go back with friend and dd next weekend to collect the rest of your stuff. Dh has then had contact with dd and you can discuss access going forward.

Good luck OP.

With regards to your DS, is there anyone he can stay with for the last few months (it would only be until about May/June time) to do his GCSE's?
Or is it far to commute for him?

Op you know he wants to call your mum to get information.
. In situations like this it's best not to give the enemy any information!

Your telling him everything you need to keep your cards closer to you. Don't let him speak to your mum and don't fall for this sudden interest.

He said himself don't talk to him. Don't just carry on with moving on. What will he say there is nothing to say. There is no serious chat to be had.

Tread carefully @TortoiseCharlie, he'd be well within his rights to apply for an emergency Prohibitive Steps Order to stop you from moving away with your DD. Keep your cards close to your chest and play it smart. Lots of luck x

I would not talk to him. If you tell him your plans he will stop you.

The reason why people were telling you to move before your DD was in school on your last thread was precisely because once she was in school you would be prevented or it would be more difficult moving back to where you have support.

You say you are not staying at your mum's and organising new schools tomorrow but going to go home and tell him you are splitting up which will give him endless opportunities to move him and your DD into his sister's house and you will have a fight on your hands to get to see her.

Do you think she will want to know you after your dh and his sister have spent every spare moment running you down to her and you will be stuck in the area for ever.

Why make things so difficult and complicated by going back. What is it you are going to talk about.

Why not stay and organise yourself and pull the rug, so to speak, from under him.

I bet he can't wait to do the same to you.

This man and his family don't have your best interests at heart

You've left, what is the point of going bqck and giving him the opportunity to manipulate the situation to his favour as that is what will happen if you take DD back.
Your DS ìs going to be the most disrupted but he will survive.

Someone I know did exactly this - went for a weekend back at her parents' house with the kids and stayed for several years until she remarried.

Please don't go back. Once you tell him of your plans he could apply to court for a prohibitive steps order meaning you can't move back. The earlier in the academic year your son moves schools the better.

Just stay where you are, if he wants to work things out he can move to live there again

I have a feeling OP is going back as shes hoping this has scared him and shes hoping he will say he will change and do whatever it takes to make their relationship work.

Im really hoping im wrong.

Why talk when he isn't listening? When he will try to gaslight and/or 'charm' you into staying.

Proceed quietly. Be calm, resolute, finalize your plans, then if you must, tell him why and then go.

Posted too soon! I'm in the US so unfamiliar with UK school year. Is there a school holiday or such before Xmas break you could set as a target date? That way you could get the schools changed and your DC could have a few days to settle into your new home before starting a new school. Would your DS be able to return to the school he attended before you moved?

I would look to return to work so you can support yourself and maybe look at moving back to your home town. This man does not have your back and I would be wary of any man who flies into rages then calls you controlling.

I had a good long think about what you’ve all said. I’ve asked my mum if I can stay this week, and I’ll go around schools straight away.

I’ve messaged DH to say that we are staying a few more days and that I’ll explain to the school. I wasn’t sure what to say yet, so I didn’t give him any explanation. He sent a few what’s going on type texts, and asking if we are all okay. I said that we are fine and that we’d get a chance to talk soon. He tried to phone but I declined the call and just said that I was busy now but would be able to talk in the next few days.

I feel like a fraud, I should have just said that I’m leaving. I don’t know I’m starting to panic a bit. It’s a huge thing moving kids. DS has been grumpy with me, he’s of the age where he just wants to see his friends. My mum is worried and says that I should talk to DH. I think she is worried about our marriage ending. I feel pretty emotional right now. Thanks for the advice everyone.

Op, I'm sorry, it's already over, you know that. He's there for the kids. He's turned his family against you, he doesn't even want you at family events, he's left you once. It's just a matter of time.

Stay true, and be honest with your mum about what's happening. And tell him it's over you've more self respect than this. Don't waste your life in this way, by the time he ends it for good, you'll wish you did it now, when you look back.

So just stick with it, for your sake and your kids, you can't bring them up in this deceitful and dysfunctional environment.

He's panicking because you have the kids and if you leave him, then it might call into question this shit he's being spouting about you.

Of course you're panicking, it's no small thing that you're doing. It's huge, and scary and new. But you either follow through and do this, or you go back to being a second class citizen in your own family.

You can get through this.

Sending you a big hug OP. Take it day by day, one step at a time.