I am not invited to SILs birthday but DH and DD are?

[Tortoisecharlie]

My DHs SIL is over from New Zealand and there is a big family celebration for her birthday. It’s a one off huge celebration. Everyone is invited, except me.

DHs other SIL2 is holding it and she specifically asked DH not to invite me but was very adamant that our DD attend. I’m very upset and DH is just trying to bury his head in the sand about it.

I’m absolutely sick of the ILs. I think I’m more upset too that they are so insistent about DD who is only 4. How is she going to feel? I asked DH not to take her and go himself but he said I was controlling. We had an argument about it and I’m seriously wondering about my relationship.

There is a back story. I always got on fine with ILs but found them bossy and overbearing. But I thought it was fine and I made an effort with them. I moved to where DH lives which is miles away from my family and friends. Last year DH left me like a bolt out of the blue. There was a lot of stress as DD was ill and I had to give up work and had no support. DH went to live with his SIL for 3 months and then returned to me. SIL was enraged he had to live with her and that I stayed in the house (it’s his house she says), even though I was incredibly hurt he left and never asked him to!

Anyway, since that time I’ve noticed animosity and they never ever visit. DH has started to take DD to theirs a lot on his own, and I finally said something last month and he eventually agreed that his family were being bullies towards me. He went to talk to his Mum to say I’d done nothing wrong, and never had spoken I’ll of them, and asked them to stop excluding me.

The next thing after that was this celebration which SIL specifically excludes me from because she says DH has had words with their mother, and they now do not feel I should come.

I’m very upset. Aibu to say, okay exclude me but don’t involve DD at least, she will be growing up wondering why I’m not invited and I spend all my time caring for her with zero support from any ILs, they are going to poison and confuse her. Or do I just give in and let DH and DD carry on with ILs as if I don’t exist?

Don’t tell him you are leaving till you have the children in new schools.

I am glad you are staying and not returning to him.

Ultimately you were putting yourself in a very precarious position if you had returned.

The hardest hit by this will be your son and I think an honest talk and special treatment and anything to make the move easier will go a long way to make it better.

Maybe try and get in touch with his friends and gf to maybe meet up in the half term and have social media to stay in touch.

Good luck.

Of course you're panicking love. But it's like ripping a plaster off. Although maybe it's not, it'll probably be way more awful and painful to go back.

Acrossthepond
Yes there is. Half term is usually one week mid to end October but sometimes two depending on where op lives. So with the break, that’s 4 or perhaps even 6 weeks before ops ds could go to school.

I’d just put the kids in a new school now if there is space and figure the rest of it out later, which it sounds like op is doing.

Don't go back
Ever

I feel so so sorry for your eldest. Your dh not bonding with him. And dh family excluding him.
That's the deal breaker for me.

Gosh, what a sad situation.
I think you are right to leave, if you don't, you and DS will become the lepers of the family. He has already been hurt by it and what message will this send to your DD as she grows up? Awful.
Your DH has obviously been bad mouthing you, his non commitment issues have been turned into your problem, I think they call it projecting? I think he has done a pretty good job of crushing your self worth and self belief.
I'm glad that you have made the decision to leave. As hard as it will be, it definitely sounds like the right thing to do.
If it is any comfort, I had something of the same situation with my ILs. I was very aware that I was being badmouthed to Ds and I believe it affected his attitude to me as he got older BUT he could also see it for what it was and now, he barely speaks to the ILs yet we have a great relationship. Just be careful not to match their behaviour.
Good luck and be strong.

How old is your Ds?

He is a young adult with his own flat. It is not my influence that he doesn't speak to them, he is doing great without them.
I take it that is what you really wanted to know?

I find it's interesting that he said you were being controlling when that is exactly what his sister is being?! Tbh I'm not sure I'd want to go BUT I get your point. If you are back to being a couple, a few olive branches are necessary from both sides to make it work. I think your DH needs to say you come as a family or not at all OR if it was me and IL's were that keen to keep me away and DH wasn't supporting me after he was the one that walked out I'd be questioning his commitment to me. That said if you were to separate your DD would be going to a lot of family things without you.

Fontrieu... what?

@Princesstwilightsparkle read the whole thread. Op has left.

Knots Doh, I thought it was odd that you asked that question.
I'm obviously a bit slow this morning.

People are right, my love. He's not going to listen, and even if he does seem to he'll just make promises that he won't keep. You'll be back exactly where you were in a few weeks except that your dd will have had more poison dripped in her ears and your ds will have been excluded and hurt more.

Stay where you are. Contact the school, look at new schools, tell the Council you are crowded into your parental home due to dv. Above all talk to your son. Tell him that the way he's been excluded and ignored is unacceptable, the way his sister is being singled out and told lies is unacceptable and that the way you yourself are treated is unacceptable.

He will be sad. He will be upset in many ways, but he is of the age where he can keep up with his friends in all sorts of ways, and get on a train to visit for a weekend when he wants. Soon he'll be old enough for a motor scooter and he'll be so cool! Silver linings and all that.

How old is your DS? What year is he in?
Someone said he's in his gcse year, no way should the OP move away.
This has been going on for months!
She's not in any immediate harm or danger & to move schools at Christmas just before mocks would be madness.
Move out by all means but you can't uproot your DS by trekking across the country

I'm assuming he's is in year 11 and doing his GCSE's since the OP said that he was in his last year of secondary school and had a girlfriend.

I too think you could seriously screw up god GCSE's by moving now.

I think you need to re-think this section of your plan - big time.
I think you need to get him sorted before anyone else. Starting with the suggestions I made above. And then get you and DD sorted.

[grin[ Fontrieu - yes, the OP's DS, not yours! Odd typing now due to MN Carriage Return Malfunction......... I asked because it would very much affect what I think the OP should do next. I am seeing lots of people saying 'find new schools for the children' but moving a Year 11 child now, or anytime between now and GCSE exams would be disastrous. In fact a Yr 11 child should not be off school, and can do without a massive domestic upheaval in the run up to GCSEs. So I would say that as the \op is not in physical danger, stay put, make your plans, keep things calm and level until after the exams and plan to move DS for sixth form.

OP please don't move your DS school if he is in year 11.

I work in education and I can honestly tell you it will impact his GCSE results. He needs to be back in school ASAP.

Not all schools follow the same exam boards, teach in the same order etc. It might not be possible to study the options he has taken due to timetable clashes. There are so many variables for him I really wouldn't do it.

Plan to move at the end of the GCSEs. Get a plan in place and support DS to apply for college/6th form in the new area.

In your situation I'd rather take a short term rent in my current area than disrupt DS. Is your mum in a position where she could come and spend some time with you if you were able to do this.

I separated from my DH and moved while my DS was in year 10. It wasn't ideal but I made sure I maintained his school to limit the disruption as much as possible.

She's not in any immediate harm or danger & to move schools at Christmas just before mocks would be madness. But what happens if dh takes dd to his sisters next weekend and refuses to return her. Puts in place an order that op cannot move. So op will be stuck. Whilst it is not ideal to move in year 11. The alternative is not what the op and her Ds should be made to endure.

An alternative could Ds stay with a friend during the week. Monday to Thursday night. During school term time

If I’m being completely honest, it doesn’t sound like he wants to be with you long term. He has left before so he obviously sees your relationship in a different light now, hence why he isn’t fussed if you do/don’t go or if his family has animosity towards you. His opinions / feelings have changed

Wow I think you are so brave. Good for you. Getting yourself out of a horrible and depressing situation. Ignore husbands requests to sort things out. He didn't care all this time when his and his family's bullying and excluding behaviour had a bad affect on you. Don't go back. Stay at your mum's until you get sorted. You will be supported by your mum and friends. I hope everything goes well for you and your children.

Hope you're doing okay OP

Thinking of you and your DC 😘

@tortoisecharlie I saw an update from you on another thread, how are things going?

Can I just say again a huge thank you to everyone who has posted. I’ve been posting a bit on other people’s posts for distraction, to take my mind off of things.

I’ve been utterly tortured between whether to move now or after my sons last year. I’ve spoken to a lot of people, including some friends who are teachers. I am erring on renting a place until the year has ended, and then moving back to my home town.

I took the week here though with both kids as I desperately needed some time away, and I was so emotional. I think that I still am. DH and me went back and forth texting, I tried to just be very clear but calm, but he just says he’s ‘caught in the middle’ and that I was punishing DD by not letting her be part of his families event.

He drove out to see us yesterday, panicked I think. My mum had the kids and we tried to talk but it got very heated. I told him that it was an impossible situation for me and that weekends should be about our family. I said that he was splitting us down the middle. Splitting DD and DS. He said that DS was not his family.

He has an older DD who we rarely see as she’s 23 and at Uni, and does not really like me either I think. I’m actually not sure sometimes she’s fine other times not, she has zero interest in DS and not that much in DD but calls her her sister. She doesn’t really get on with DHs family either. He said his DDs and his sister and mother were his family and I had no right to stop him.

I said that I wanted to spend my weekends with our family, our unit, he didn’t get that at all. He said that he didn’t know why we were all adults but didn’t just all get along and that he’d tried but it was up to us. I said well then why don’t you ask your mother to visit us then instead of always taking DD to hers? He said well you don’t like her anyway now do you. I said look they are bullies and have excluded me for over a year! That’s not a falling out! It’s not a personality clash. Of course I don’t like being excluded and bullied and of course I’m going to feel crap about seeing them after that has gone on for months. I asked him why he didn’t stick up for me? He was genuinely nonplussed that I would expect him to stick up for me.

He then went to apologise for what he’d said but that we didn’t work, never had done, it wasn’t my fault. I agreed and said we needed a plan.

At least I now know that we have to split up. It’s harsh to see how he doesn’t even see that I’m a victim of his family here, and something that he not only started but happy to let carry on.

I am particularly hurt about him saying that DS is not his family.