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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid

254 replies

Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 04:35

Would like honest opinions.
My brother is getting marred abroad. Holiday would cost me at least £2500 just to attend. (Expensive location)
My brother only has 2 nieces my daughter (11) and my niece (15). His partner has selected about 8+ bridesmaids (friends and cousins, she has no nieces as she's only child) they have asked my niece to be bridesmaid and have even bought dresses etc. My daughter is the only one not asked and is aware and very upset.
Background info: my sister got married and had brothers partner as bridesmaid. ( she had 10 bridesmaids) when I got married I didn't as I had a small wedding, only having my sister, niece and daughter. I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Although I didn't have my other brothers partner either or OH SIL's.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? (She is an adult as well in late 20's)

OP posts:
SheWoreBlueVelvet · 17/09/2018 17:32

The cost of the wedding holiday is a separate issue. Are you saying it would be better value if your daughter was in it? It would cost the same either way.

Destination weddings tend to be more adult anyway. Its not the same as a big family jolly in the local church. Theres probably meaningful reasons for picking her friends rather than keeping distant family happy. It sounds like she felt obligated to chose the other niece.

passwordfailure · 17/09/2018 18:06

OP if you didn't ask your SIL to be your BM then you consider her not as close as those you did choose. I'm sure you made a decision that wasn't done out of spite. Could she feel the same way you did perhaps? You could explain to your DD "well you remember I didn't ask Mary to be my BM, we haven't been that close". You set the tone for this really OP by excluding her. It's give and take rather than tit for tat.

Jenwen22 · 17/09/2018 20:00

Well I can't talk for anyone else but at my wedding I'm having my friends daughter, 5, DSD, who will be 10, my sister, 24 and my closest friend, 38 will be bridesmaid. I'm not bothering with flower girls or MOH just bridesmaids. I asked them because they are the most special people in my lives and I wanted by my side. I say this in response to people who are saying it may be an age thing. However I'm not having a traditional wedding. As the OP hasn't said if it is or not. However I do agree with PP who say it may be Chinese whispers by your family against her. The best thing to do is I think speak to her and you DB in a calm non confrontational way, and just ask. Then you know if you need to pull out or not. I wouldn't pay 2500 to go to a wedding personally but I have no idea what the Ops finances are like.

Unfortunately in life you are let down, and don't always get what you want. So I would also explain this to your DD as well as it is a good life lesson xx

thinkfast · 17/09/2018 20:02

The bride is entitled to choose whoever she wants as her bridesmaids. I can't see why there would be any expectation by you or your daughter that she would be a bridesmaid if you aren't particularly close to the bride.

Whether or not you go to the wedding should be a decision based on how close you are to your brother and the rest of your family, as well as on whether or not you can afford it. As he is choosing to have an expensive overseas wedding, there should be no expectation by him that you will go, unless you have given him reason to believe otherwise.

Witchend · 17/09/2018 20:14

The "reason" you've been given sounds like someone trying to stir. Unless you hear that directly from her, then I doubt that's the reason.

And the title is misleading. "Only one picked" implies lots were; one, older child possibly closer to the bride is picked.

You have a choice.
You can make this wedding all about you, try and force your family to take sides, spoil your relationship with your brother, and sil, make your dd feel that she's been excluded and miserable and feel hard done by.
Or you can say that the bride has as much right as you had to pick your own bridemaids, keep a breezy "oh I expect she asked your cousin as she wanted older bridesmaid" comments if your dd says anything so she doesn't feel it's personal, and keep a good relationship with your brother and rest of family.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/09/2018 20:17

"You can't really discuss that weird thing Steven does when he comes in front of an 11 year old girl."

Nor really in front of your soon to be husband's niece whatever her age, or in front of your DM who is probably getting ready in the same place.
Is the bride having her 'hen do' on the morning of the wedding then???

cheesefield · 17/09/2018 20:27

I'm torn on this one.

You say you're not close with your DB or SIL. Is your DD close with them? How much time does she spend with them?

If she is not close to them why would there be any expectation for her to be asked?

I thought bridesmaids were always supposed to be chosen by the B2B and we're her own selection. I'd never heard of the notion of being obligated to give non-close family members a "role".

Maybe my friends and family are weird. The B2B just makes her own choice, and usually they are her best friends, occasionally her sisters if she is close to them.

I'd never choose my cousins or their children. I only see them about twice a year and am far less close to them than my own good friends.

Bugbabe1970 · 18/09/2018 17:28

Just ask her if she's forgotten about your daughter and make your decision based on her response

smilingontheinside · 18/09/2018 17:45

It's one day and not worth the aggro I just would not go stating cost as my reason. I would far rather spend that amount of money going somewhere I really wanted to go with my own family. Weddings are just the stuff of nightmares and having had an AC marry last year that caused all sorts of problems that we as parents of groom just sucked up to save argument wish now we'd spoken out. Our new DIL is continuing with selfish, narcissistic, family damaging behaviour that is slowly tearing us apart. My OH and I are now at the point of telling her exactly what we think of her and her behaviour and risk losing our AS until he sees sense, which he will hopefully as she is beginning to upset his siblings and he has lost all his friends. What is it with brides these days Hmm

Leonard1 · 18/09/2018 17:48

Your daughter comes first here. Taking her will only highlight how she was not chosen. I wouldn’t go. Be frank with the bride and groom. Why spend £££ to be upset. an extra bridesmaid is neither here nor there cost and effort wise for most people. I think you should just say you can’t rationalise spending do much to go given the circumstances and let them get on with it. Do something nice with DD

Thatstheendofmytether · 18/09/2018 17:54

Oh come off it, she just wants adult BMs and maybe feels obligated to include the 16 yr old. She probably wants the morning so they're all getting ready together with a drink (I doubt anyone would object to the teen having a sml glass of bubbly) and laughing about sex, cocks and how crap men can be. You can't really discuss that weird thing Steven does when he comes in front of an 11 year old girl.

I honest to god hope no adult women on the morning of the wedding are sitting getting ready talking like this in front of a 15 year old girl. WTF?

Turquoise123 · 18/09/2018 17:56

I think you have just saved £2500 ?

busyhonestchildcarer · 18/09/2018 18:06

Rise above it.explain to your daughter that sometimes decisions are made that you may not agree with but at the end of the day its there choice.you are going to celebrate their wedding with them ,she is going to have a very pretty new dress which she can wear afterwards too and you will have a holiday.Its hard for your daughter but life isn't fair and with your support she can learn how to deal with these with humility

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/09/2018 18:28

You are all playing Chinese whispers and your daughter is suffering from the drama and speculation and you could have shielded her from that, instead of letting your loose lipped relatives talk about it in front of her and imply that its a punishment from SIL. The fact is you still don't know the actual reason.
Why not pick up the phone and talk to your brother directly, rather than let this develop into a long running family feud that spoils their wedding and leaves your daughter excluded from a family celebration and feeling that it is all her fault.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but I have witnessed something similar 1st hand and its not fun being the kid at the centre of it, For her sake open direct communications and then be kind, to your brother, your sil, your DD and yourself.

BrisaOtonal · 18/09/2018 18:28

I don't agree with the position that it is their day and can do whatever the hell they like irrespective of others feelings. Back in the olden days (20 years ago) we got to do what we wanted on our day but there was no way I would have ever caused divisions in my DH's family like this or get off on a bad foot with my in-laws by excluding a young family member yet inviting loads of others.

People are so selfish these days. Yes, have your big day but it is an investment in your future (good relationships) to compromise a little and do a few things that make others happy when it costs you nothing. At my wedding people got upset over button holes and asking a couple of parents friends. It didn't spoil my day to accommodate them and be a bit flexible.

I really hope my sons marry someone who isn't a complete selfish bitch.

kateandme · 18/09/2018 18:29

id talk to your daughter.
do you want to go.would it be too painful to miss.or do you think you can put ur dd to the front her and just say screw it and do ur own thing.would you cope with that.i think you could by the way,it might be hard at first but if your daughter really cant manage.
yes I agree talk to her and do the lfie is tough and people might tricky decisions agasint us.but then equally itl still be really tough for her..so can you ask her and see if you can go hold ur heads up high and be the bigger ladies here.or does she really think it could do more dame than good to see this through.
you know you daughter.some girls would be able to get by this.but some are sensitive to stuff like this more than others and that isn't wrong its their makeup so then you need to act accordingly and change the plans for the day

altiara · 18/09/2018 18:31

I think YABU - I think your sister is shit stirring or has totally interpreted it the wrong way. It’s not tit for tat that you didn’t ask SIL to be BM, it’s that your sister did so she is reciprocating with your niece.
You haven’t provided any backstory that SIL is a nasty person. In fact your own sister liked her enough to ask her to be a BM.
I just think your sister interpreted it wrongly.
As for the 2.5k, that should not be contingent on being a BM, you either can go or it’s not a good choice with the money you have.

LuluJakey1 · 18/09/2018 18:33

Their wedding, their choice. None of your business. Don't go if it is too upsetting but it's not worth falling out ovet. Your family should not have talked about it infront of your DD.

chattykathyblue100 · 18/09/2018 18:37

Exactly what busyhonestchildcarer says. Take this as a great opportunity to teach your DD about life. Some people are just not very nice /thoughtful but you can rise above it. Besides, he's your DB and you wouldn't want to miss his big day as well as having a holiday with the rest of the family. Everyone will know SiL is being a bitch.

Belindabauer · 18/09/2018 18:45

Well my dd1 has never been a bridesmaid, not even for her own dad!

I actually think it is the brides choice, not the grooms. Just as the groom chooses his best man.

I understand your dd is upset but she can learn a valuable lesson here. Life goes on, we all face huge disappointment in life but you really have to learn to deal with it.

I had my sil as a bridesmaid. She didn't have me and I was disappointed as we were like sisters and neither of us has a sister.
You have to be the bigger person.
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Poocalypso · 18/09/2018 18:46

Why don't you just call your brother and ask as your daughter is hurting. Maybe they don't understand what they are causing by excluding her. Maybe they do, but in that case there is no readon to go, is there? Good luck op!

Belindabauer · 18/09/2018 18:47

Also your brother will always be your brother.
With all due respect, your sil might not always be your sil!

LeeleeD88 · 18/09/2018 18:59

I think YABU. This wedding is not about you, or your DD. This is the bride's day. You're putting your brother into am awkward position and so is your mother. You had your day. Let this bride have hers.

You and your kid need to learn things don't always go your way.

Tosh1960 · 18/09/2018 19:00

Why not act like an adult? Explain that your daughter has been upset by their mutual decision and whilst you will awfully sorry to miss their special day you feel that putting your daughter in that position would be unkind to her. Wish them well and hope that they grow up after such a pleasant reminder that they are both being unreasonable. Then go and have a holiday of a lifetime, sharing your photos at exactly the same time. You are after all allowed to be a little vengeful ;-)

Strongmummy · 18/09/2018 19:01

Altho I agree it’s tough feeling you’ve been deliberately left out, if you really want to see your brother get married then go. Tell your daughter that the reason she isn’t a bridesmaid is because she’s too young. Don’t make more drama than there needs to be over this and don’t give your daughter a complex about being left out. Your daughter will still get a new dress I’m sure and will be going on a nice holiday too so it really isn’t all bad at all!!!