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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid

254 replies

Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 04:35

Would like honest opinions.
My brother is getting marred abroad. Holiday would cost me at least £2500 just to attend. (Expensive location)
My brother only has 2 nieces my daughter (11) and my niece (15). His partner has selected about 8+ bridesmaids (friends and cousins, she has no nieces as she's only child) they have asked my niece to be bridesmaid and have even bought dresses etc. My daughter is the only one not asked and is aware and very upset.
Background info: my sister got married and had brothers partner as bridesmaid. ( she had 10 bridesmaids) when I got married I didn't as I had a small wedding, only having my sister, niece and daughter. I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Although I didn't have my other brothers partner either or OH SIL's.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? (She is an adult as well in late 20's)

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2018 12:30

Plus it will really hurt your dd to see her cousin being bm, when she was excluded, don't put her through that. Just decline the invitation.

ShalomJackie · 17/09/2018 12:32

I bet it just hasn't even crossed the bride's mind. By your own admission you were not close enough to her to have her a a bm at yours so why would your daughter be close enough to be hers. I suspect the 15 year old is old enough to wear the same dresses as her friends and may be closer to her.

If you don't want to go to the wedding then don't but there does not seem to be any reason to assume revenge other than if you didn't chose her because you don't like her.

EK36 · 17/09/2018 12:35

I find that really hurtful for you and your daughter. Personally I think you've handles it well. You've explained how you feel. Your brother's said it's his fiancee decision..nothing he can do. So if it were me I' d book a holiday for my family to go elsewhere around the same time, and enjoy it. I would send a card respectfully declining the invitation.

TheViceOfReason · 17/09/2018 12:46

So ultimately it's ok for you to have your own reasons to not have certain people as bridesmaids, but not ok for your soon to be SIL?

Honestly, you sound paranoid. You making a big deal out of this is what will cause upset to your daughter.

My mind is boggled by all the posters agreeing! Whatever happened to brides always being told it is THEIR wedding, have the guests they want, don't bow to family pressure?

Maybe she has financial constraints so 8 (which is still crazy) is "all" she can afford? Maybe she doesn't know your daughter well enough for it to be appropriate to have her in the wedding party? Maybe she doesn't want the stress of trying to manage a young teen on her wedding day?

The fact that you don't just pick up the phone to her or your brother is telling - if you aren't close enough to be able to just ask, then that's probably why she isn't a bridesmaid.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 12:49

Maybe she has financial constraints so 8 (which is still crazy) is "all" she can afford?

Bet you any money she's not even paying for the dresses.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 17/09/2018 12:54

You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

Go to the wedding. You will be the once causing more issues by not.

I seriously doubt that's why your DD isn't a bridesmaid. She probably just too young compared to the rest.

MumW · 17/09/2018 12:55

The £2500 would be enough to put me off. I wouldn't be going.
I'm with you, @beefcake. In fact, didn't go to BILs wedding in Europe for cost reasons and it was a lot less than that. Were other factors such as DC's school/exams etc.

I definitely think you need to quash/confirm the rumoured reason as it would be a shame to upset your releationship with DB because of lack of communication.

InterstellarSleepingElla · 17/09/2018 13:03

I actually wouldn't be going to the wedding - your brothers future wife sounds like a bitch and if your brother won't stand up to her for his own family then I would be giving him a wide berth in general - spineless twit.

Maybe book a holiday if you can afford it for when the wedding is and go and have fun with your daughter to put a smile on her face.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2018 13:12

*I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Although I didn't have my other brothers partner either or OH SIL's.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? (She is an adult as well in late 20's)

That is so shitty, no need to behave like that towards a child.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2018 13:13

No I woulden't be going to any wedding of that price tag either.

PorkFlute · 17/09/2018 13:18

Sounds like she’s closer to your sister? Could you speak to your brother and let him know your dd is upset? If they’re having 10 bridesmaids I’m sure 1 more wouldn’t hurt? I would have done this before your dd found out though tbh!
If they are adamant they can’t have more then I’d decline the invitation in your situation. My dd wouldn’t give a shiny one and would be glad she didn’t have to parade around in a massive dress but it wouldn’t be fair on your dd if she would be upset by it.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 17/09/2018 13:19

Even if there was no 'revenge' element to this, if you have two neices, it's awful to leave one out.

PorkFlute · 17/09/2018 13:19

And sorry if I’ve missed it but who was it that said your dd has been left out because she wasn’t your bm?

DamsonGin · 17/09/2018 13:25

If it's an awkward thing to text your db about, could you ask if there's anything your DD could contribute to the wedding, such as a poem or something. Could at least start the conversation going that she's feeling like she'd like to be involved / do something for them... see what time you get and that might tell you where things stand.

Shadow1234 · 17/09/2018 13:32

I had the same with my brother years ago. His wife to be, asked
her SIL and MY sister to be bridesmaids. I was so hurt and
shocked, and felt that i must have done something to upset her.
My mum even cried. She asked my brother, 'how can you ask one
and not the other? He just said it was his partners decision and
'Its her big day'. he dint really see why it was a problem. (think I was 15 at the time and my sister was 13. (To this day, he still doesnt have
a backbone).

When I got married, i thought, two wrongs dont make a right, so I
asked his daughter to be one of my bridesmaids and he said yes
(She was 8). When it came to having the fitting appointment for
the dress, he failed to show with her on 2 separate occasions.

I gave him a third and final fitting date, and he rang me an hour beforeand said 'she has changed her mind, she doesnt want to
be a bridesmaid!). (More like, her mum didnt want her to be a
bridesmaid! ). The joke of it is, they still came to the wedding,
and their son had a football kit on!!!! They were the joke of the
town. Weird couple.

Hence, I dont have anything to do with them anymore (not based on
this story alone, but other things they have done - but thats a
whole n'other story).

You can choose your friends, but you cant choose your
Family 😄

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 17/09/2018 13:32

Oh come off it, she just wants adult BMs and maybe feels obligated to include the 16 yr old. She probably wants the morning so they're all getting ready together with a drink (I doubt anyone would object to the teen having a sml glass of bubbly) and laughing about sex, cocks and how crap men can be. You can't really discuss that weird thing Steven does when he comes in front of an 11 year old girl.

emmyrose2000 · 17/09/2018 13:38

I wouldn't be wasting 2,500 of my money on someone else's wedding nor the time involved for a destination wedding.

TheNoodlesIncident · 17/09/2018 13:40

...Anyone who books a destination wedding does so knowing that some of their family will not be able to go, I would pull out on the grounds of money...

That's all you need really. I got married abroad and neither of my DBs came. One said something about next year's holiday already been booked, no excuse given by the other. I just shrugged and got on with it. And still talk to them.

Incidentally I'm not sure OP's family policy of speaking freely in front of the DCs: My daughter is also aware of everything (as family like to talk in front of her) is such a good one, as a lot of the angst suffered by OP's DD might have been avoided if she didn't know she was the only one excluded.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 17/09/2018 13:42

Although I think you should downplay the slight for the sake of your DD, there's no getting away from the fact that it's a hurtful thing to do. Honestly I would give her one chance to put this right, by telling her (kindly) that your DD is feeling very left out and could she therefore reconsider? If she has a decent bone in her body she will invite your DD to join the throng - let's face it, what's one more? If she doesn't you know where you stand and you can give this ridiculous destination fiasco a miss. I'd tell her she could shove their wedding gift list too for that matter.

tempester28 · 17/09/2018 13:43

I wouldn't pay £2500 if I knew my daughter would be so upset as well. Tell them you can't afford to go but would love to take them out to dinner when they get back. Save your daughter the upset and you a lot of money

PorkFlute · 17/09/2018 13:45

Christ I would hope they won’t be chatting about the 15yr old girls uncle coming in front of her either!

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 13:50

She probably wants the morning so they're all getting ready together with a drink (I doubt anyone would object to the teen having a sml glass of bubbly) and laughing about sex, cocks and how crap men can be. You can't really discuss that weird thing Steven does when he comes in front of an 11 year old girl.

Confused

Are you confusing the morning of the wedding with the hen do?

Improve12 · 17/09/2018 14:12

Entitled?
I don't think your daughter has to be a bridesmaid. People just miss out sometimes. If it's not at this wedding, it will be another one. Or it will be when they vote for school captain. We should cultivate the art of winning and losing elegantly.
A bride should feel comfortable entering her groom's life and family. There should be no expectation such as this. Welcome her. People generally choose those they are most comfortable with to be their bridesmaids. If you make exceptions and include everyone, you end up with 20 bridesmaids and a huge bill (plus a wedding that is no longer how you envisaged it). Try not to take it personally. It's their day.
In my opinion, a 15 year old girl can blend in and be a bridesmaid. An 11 year old is more a flower girl. I can understand an 11 year old feeling sad but this is where you can help her understand that life doesn't always go her way.
I see no error in the bride-to-be's decision. She may have a more significant relationship with the other niece.

Shadow1234 · 17/09/2018 14:13

The fact that its abroad and going to cost a decent amount of
Money, I think you have the ideal excuse not to go. That way,
the bride will not think you are declining due to your daughter
not being a bridesmaid. (So she doesnt have to gloat about it -
if it was done out of spite)., and if it wasnt done out of spite,
then everyones happy. Your daughter will not be worrying about
attending and it will save any animosity between you and your
brother and SIL.

Cloglover · 17/09/2018 14:25

I would speak to your sister again to find out whether the bride actually said that or its your sisters interpretation. As there are only 2 nieces I wouldnt take it so personally. If there were 6 nieces and five picked - yes. Im assuming not all the bridges friends and cousins have been picked as there are only 8 of them! I just feel very sorry for your daughter that your families carry on has caused her so much upset. Even if the bride to be was being vindictive this should have been shielded from your daughter. There was never any need for her to know. But I just can't imagine someone being that vindictive against an 11 year old they hardly know! Also, did your sister not want to be bm? Why did she chose her daughter instead?