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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter only one not picked for bridesmaid

254 replies

Layanna44 · 17/09/2018 04:35

Would like honest opinions.
My brother is getting marred abroad. Holiday would cost me at least £2500 just to attend. (Expensive location)
My brother only has 2 nieces my daughter (11) and my niece (15). His partner has selected about 8+ bridesmaids (friends and cousins, she has no nieces as she's only child) they have asked my niece to be bridesmaid and have even bought dresses etc. My daughter is the only one not asked and is aware and very upset.
Background info: my sister got married and had brothers partner as bridesmaid. ( she had 10 bridesmaids) when I got married I didn't as I had a small wedding, only having my sister, niece and daughter. I have been told that she is punishing my daughter (11 year old) because I didn't have her as a bridesmaid. Although I didn't have my other brothers partner either or OH SIL's.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? (She is an adult as well in late 20's)

OP posts:
BabySharkAteMyHamster · 17/09/2018 11:11

If I was your brother i'd call the whole thing off. This does not bode well for future, family relations. He is an absolute fool for going ahead with it.

dinosaurkisses · 17/09/2018 11:11

There seems to be a fair issues here-

Spending £2500 on someone else’s destination wedding- very expensive and totally reasonable not to want to go.

But I’m confused as to why people are calling the bride entitled and a bridezilla for having the temerity to pick her own bridesmaids?

Surely it’s the OP that has felt that her dd is entitled to a position in the bridal party regardless of the fact she doesn’t have a close relationship to the bride?

I’m sure as an 11 year old there would be a bit of envy at not taking part, but it won’t be the first or last time that she’d just have to understand that sometimes not everyone can be included, and that people who are close will get priority.

It seems like she’s being used as a pawn to manipulate and stir up trouble.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 11:20

But I’m confused as to why people are calling the bride entitled and a bridezilla for having the temerity to pick her own bridesmaids?

Eight bridesmaids at a £2,500 destination wedding absolutely screams bridezilla who has no sense of perspective or suspicion that it might be unreasonable to expect a large number of people to spend that much money on your Instagram perfect dress-up-as-a-princess day.

dinosaurkisses · 17/09/2018 11:27

She might be close to those 8+ people though. I wouldn’t have that many bridesmaids, but having a big wedding party doesn’t automatically mean bridezilla.

It’s also the couple’s wedding, and I’m guessing they’ve agreed on the venue together. Why is no one calling the groom similar names?

Whocansay · 17/09/2018 11:28

I absolutely wouldn't go. I wouldn't want to celebrate with anyone who could be so spiteful to my child. Can you imagine what it would be like once you're there? She may use the opportunity to continue the spite and snub you both, I just wouldn't go.

But then, I would be unlikely to go considering the cost anyway.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 11:32

She might be close to those 8+ people though. I wouldn’t have that many bridesmaids, but having a big wedding party doesn’t automatically mean bridezilla.

I'm a bit Hmm at the idea of having seven friends who are all so close that you can't possibly choose between them. The eighth is the other niece, and once you've got eight because you've included a niece, it makes very little difference having nine to include both nieces. Your wedding party already looks fucking ridiculous anyway.

Rudgie47 · 17/09/2018 11:34

Very mean I wouldn't go and I'd spend that money on a family holiday for you, your daughter and partner.
Your daughter will remember this, I wasn't chosen for a bridesmaid and had to sit at the back of the hall for my cousins wedding in the 70s. This was away from my parents.I remember this well.

beeefcake · 17/09/2018 11:37

The £2500 would be enough to put me off. I wouldn't be going.

dinosaurkisses · 17/09/2018 11:38

Yes, 8+ bridesmaids will look fucking ridiculous, but it doesn’t mean anyone gets to reasonably prescribe one more.

It’s their wedding- they’ve picked who they’ve picked for whatever reasons, but OP deciding this is a hill to die on could 1/ make it a bigger deal to her dd than it needs to be, causing more hurt and 2/ completely decimate her relationship with her brother.

Dubz227 · 17/09/2018 11:40

That's the perfect excuse you have for not attending. That you don't want to be spending 2.5k going to a wedding where your DD will be upset throughout the event. It's like your paying to put your DD through a punishment. Then offer to have them over for a meal at yours when they return to give them their wedding present and celebrate their marriage, to show that you don't have any hard feelings. (Ball now in their court). If SIL refuses then she looks like a C**T. That's what she deserves for trying to show up an 11 ur old!!

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 11:42

It’s their wedding and £2,500 of the OP's money that she is expected to spend indulging them.

Yes, 8+ bridesmaids will look fucking ridiculous, but it doesn’t mean anyone gets to reasonably prescribe one more.

They are quite happy to prescribe how the OP's family spends their annual leave and holiday budget though, aren't they?

I really don't get this "your wedding, your way" nonsense. Just because you are getting married doesn't mean you have carte blanche to treat people like crap and expect them to shell out huge sums of money and not say a word against you.

MidnightAura · 17/09/2018 11:44

Why is everyone having a go at the bride for having 8 bridesmaids? I mean I think it’s a lot but if she can afford it, it’s her business. It would be nice if she had included her niece but maybe she’s just too young if the rest are adults? Sounds like your family is shit stirring.

For what’s it’s worth, the last wedding I went to, the groom had 4 best men. No one said a word on the day. Is it only women that get called on for having a lot on the bridal party?

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 17/09/2018 11:48

Why is everyone having a go at the bride for having 8 bridesmaids?

No one is "having a go at the bride for having 8 bridesmaids".

But it is, in my experience, a classic sign that you may be dealing with a bridezilla, especially when combined with a destination wedding. It says "I have no sense of perspective about how important my wedding is to anyone else in the grand scheme of things".

dinosaurkisses · 17/09/2018 11:53

Well if someone doesn’t want to spend £2500 on a destination wedding, don’t go?

I wouldn’t, because we couldn’t afford it and I wouldn’t want to spend a small fortune and my annual leave on a mediocre holiday on the Algarve or wherever. Same for the OP- say no, but don’t act like planning a destination wedding makes someone some kind of inconsiderate sociopath.

ineedaholidaynow · 17/09/2018 11:54

8 bridesmaids might outnumber the rest of the congregation if it costs £2,500 to go to the wedding!

TonTonMacoute · 17/09/2018 11:55

There’s nothing wrong with having 8 bridesmaids and having an expensive wedding. There isn’t even anything wrong with not choosing your STBDH’s niece as bridesmaid.

However, if the reports are true, and this woman has deliberately excluded an 11 year old girl as revenge for not being chosen to be bridesmaid herself, then that is a clear sign that someone is a bit of a bitch, and I would say that OP is well justified in making a polite excuse not to go to the wedding, and spend the money on something much nicer.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/09/2018 12:00

I wouldn't go to the wedding. I don't think I could celebrate my brother getting married to someone who could be so mean to an 11 year old

This.

It's a very unkind thing to do to a child. And she will remember it - I know because this happened to me (50+ years ago) and I was heartbroken. All my girl cousins being bridesmaids but not me. I still remember the humiliation (and having one of the other little shits coming up and telling me that it was because I was so ugly didn't help either! Angry). My parents went to that wedding (and took me) but I really felt it, as everyone was saying - "Are you not a bridesmaid? Why not?" etc.

TownHall · 17/09/2018 12:02

The OPs sister had 10 bridesmaids so perhaps having lots of bridesmaids isn’t unusual for the OPs family.

Maybe the SIL was genuinely upset to have not been asked to be a bridesmaid at the OPs wedding and felt like she was the one being left out. The OP included all the other females in the family apart from the SIL and, as the SIL is an only child, she might have seen it as her only chance to be a bridesmaid at a family wedding.

It wouldn’t excuse her deliberately excluding the OPs daughter with the aim of ‘punishing’ her (if that’s en true) but it would explain it.

TruffleShuffles · 17/09/2018 12:03

Why is everyone presuming it’s ‘revenge’? It may be simply that your sister asked why your daughter wasn’t a bridesmaid and the future SIL responded by saying you and your daughter aren’t that close to her with an example of your sister having her as a bridesmaid and you choosing not to have her. It may be a simple misunderstanding. Or it may not have been said at all and your 11 year old is being upset for now reason by stirring family.

MidnightAura · 17/09/2018 12:04

People are having a go at the bride for having eight bridesmaids - bridezilla, fucking ridiculous, entitled, princess etc. I agree that the cost for the guests is very expensive But it’s not just the bride, presumably the groom has had a say?

I agree if the bride has deliberately snubbed the girl as punishment that’s below the belt. But there could be a lot of other reasons why and I think the OP should be asking the bride and her brother not taking someone’s word for it.

Thebluedog · 17/09/2018 12:07

It’s the brides wedding so she’s entitled to have it with whom and how she wants it.

However if it is revenge over the bridesmaid thing I’d not bother going. Sorry but I’d not spend that amount of money to feel awkward and have an upset dd to see my db get married - sod that

RomanyRoots · 17/09/2018 12:15

I wouldn't be going along with the rest of my family.
My dd means too much to me to be treated like that. Sad

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2018 12:16

That is mean, she is having 10 bridesmaids, and she could not fit her husbands only 2 nieces in. That would put a dampner on it for me, and leave a bitter taste in the mouth. I would decline the invitation and use that money to go on a nice holiday or something.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/09/2018 12:19

Wow punishing a little girl, that is awful, no, I would not want to go after that. I could see how its a reciprocal arrangement, sister got married and had your brothers partner as bm. But to treat a little child like that, I hope that your brother is aware of who he is marrying. She sounds like the type to invite a whole class and leave 1 or 2 out.

Onthebrink87 · 17/09/2018 12:19

Shit to the both of them! Book a nice little holiday at the same time and take your dd shopping for lots of lovely clothes for her!