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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do with my new man?

184 replies

Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:07

He is an absolute gentleman, but there is no spark.
He adores me, is kind, attentive, good in bed, buys me flowers and chocolates, compliments me all the time, worries about me, minds me etc.
I've had years of abusive relationships one physically, and one where I was just messed around.
Can love grow? On paper, he is everything I should be looking for (drives a Porsche!), but can love grow or should I just end it now?
I tend to know how I feel about someone very quickly. I fall hard and fast, but equally, I don't think I'm the type for whom love will develop slowly.
What is the right thing to do for both me and him? Asking for myself primarily obviously.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2018 18:11

Good luck. Sounds like you could do to accept you deserve it

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/09/2018 18:15
Smile

Good idea to see how you feel OP.

Botanicbaby · 16/09/2018 18:15

You answered your own question in the OP. He’s not the one for you and it will only make you restless and bored by staying with him.

pinkhorse · 16/09/2018 18:19

Porsche's are driven by men above 40 having a midlife crisis! Why would that attract you?

PositiveVibez · 16/09/2018 18:20

Thanks for all your bitter jealous commentary. It has been amusing

Well aren't you a peach OP 😂

Please come back and tell us what his home is like. I am guessing it will be some sort of mansion and you will realise that you really fancy him.

RandomMess · 16/09/2018 18:21

Atrocious said what I meant so much better...

marshmy · 16/09/2018 18:22

porches are driven by men over 40

^this, i'm 21, work at a popular garage and can confirm that porches/mercedes are old men / mid life crises type cars. Bmw/Audi seem to be the 'cool' ones at the moment

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 18:28

I'm over 40 so I'm not looking for a younger man lol. He is older than me.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 16/09/2018 18:29

Haha with the car thing. On my shopping list for my next partner - when I was single!! I actually put

No BMWs/similar cars
no cats

Because from my personal experience a lot of men who drive so called prestige cars are also dicks. They believe they are better than others and generally treat their partner like an underling too. Now before everyone with a fancy car gets out their pitchforks, that's just MY opinion on who I would personally date.

When I met hubby with a Honda and a dog I knew he was perfect :)

BlancheM · 16/09/2018 18:30

In all seriousness, let him take you out. Going round to his isn't a date. It's too soon to be slipping into low effort 'cosy nights on the sofa'=sex. Unless that's what you want of course!

kateandme · 16/09/2018 18:41

spaceraidersrock you sound like you really love him.it made me sad that your not together.sorry random tangent

Haireverywhere · 16/09/2018 18:48

Hi OP. These are more what popped into my head than for you to answer here...

So when you say you fall hard and fast do you mean in healthy relationships too or just abusive ones? Are you sure it's about the lack of spark or because you're protecting yourself from potential hurt?

How long have you been dating? Maybe you have never experienced a slow burn?

If it's been a while and you know this isn't about past issues and there is no spark then I would call time.

tierraJ · 16/09/2018 18:49

I think there needs to be a spark; although I know plenty of women who didn't have a spark yet settled for the 'good on paper' guy.

But personally I couldn't settle, and I like fast cars too.

However as an example i would rather get the bus with Oskar the cleaner at work than ride in Rob the surgeon's Jaguar. Because I actually fancy Oskar (sadly he has a fiancée).

Tbh I don't understand how you & other women can have sex with men you don't fancy or have a spark with. But as I said I know plenty of women who do it.

spaceraidersrock · 16/09/2018 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Haireverywhere · 16/09/2018 18:53

I personally need a spark but it took several weeks to arrive with DH then bam! He had his Gran's Mini and I loved him haha.

P.S. I have a Z4 but in the words of Beyoncé I bought it!

titchy · 16/09/2018 18:56

Material possessions can be a good way to gauge someones financial position and financial position can establish whether someone has drive and ambition and intelligence, all traits I find attractive.

Except they're not in this case are they....?

Haireverywhere · 16/09/2018 19:08

titchy I agree.

I can't actually drive due to my health anymore so my material possessions don't reflect much at all!

kateandme · 16/09/2018 19:36

spaceraidersrock oh then good on you.nope cant add shine to that,what a knob,im sorry.

motortroll · 16/09/2018 20:02

I get the car thing. Totally!!

But I'm Not sure about advice for you. I'd be tempted to try for a bit longer. But I have done this in the past and then stayed for 2 years when I should have bailed way earlier. Prob broke his heart tbh, felt rotten!

But a few months just to see what happens might be good?

Chickenwings85 · 16/09/2018 20:27

It's obvious you like a man with a flashy car and it's a turn on for you.
Now imagine your man with a Corsa or a Mondeo, is he still attractive to you? Do you still want to be with him?

Iflyaway · 16/09/2018 20:29

Thanks for all your bitter jealous commentary. It has been amusing.

Nice....

People take time out to help you on a forum and this is your attitude?

I think you really should work on yourself before thrusting your misery onto others.
And as a previous poster said Do some self-reflection.

If an old banger - which a car will become - is your criterion for snatching a man, good luck to you.

TheSheepofWallSt · 16/09/2018 20:33

@chiffon’s tone is a bit familiar ... you posted before under a different name OP?

AnyFucker · 16/09/2018 20:57

Most of them have

prettypossums · 16/09/2018 21:01

Does his name start with an ‘I’ by any chance?

PerverseConverse · 16/09/2018 21:04

GFs always sound familiar. And often like men Hmm