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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do with my new man?

184 replies

Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:07

He is an absolute gentleman, but there is no spark.
He adores me, is kind, attentive, good in bed, buys me flowers and chocolates, compliments me all the time, worries about me, minds me etc.
I've had years of abusive relationships one physically, and one where I was just messed around.
Can love grow? On paper, he is everything I should be looking for (drives a Porsche!), but can love grow or should I just end it now?
I tend to know how I feel about someone very quickly. I fall hard and fast, but equally, I don't think I'm the type for whom love will develop slowly.
What is the right thing to do for both me and him? Asking for myself primarily obviously.

OP posts:
JungMum · 16/09/2018 16:24

The car is not him though. It validates him surely rather than attracting a relationship. I get that a flash car attracts women but nobody IS their possessions. So, OP, it might need a bit of unravelling. Do you long to be validated by a wealthy man.

Do you feel the need to appear publicly chosen by a wealthy man, over the alternative, a reality, a private reality where you're loved for you but it's a private issue.

wotsit99 · 16/09/2018 16:24

You will be able to find someone who is a good man and you do have a spark with.

Bluelady · 16/09/2018 16:25

This is a complete waste of a man who sounds like most women's dream. Let him go so someone who'd appreciate him can have him.

stevie69 · 16/09/2018 16:25

Christ, am I the only woman on the planet who likes a fast car?

Of course not. I bought my own Blush

JennyHolzersGhost · 16/09/2018 16:27

OP, I am not going to say whether you should continue seeing this guy or not but what I am going to say is that perhaps it’s worth doing some introspection on what attracts you to someone, and what might be a bit of a warning signal in that regard. The ‘I fall hard and fast’ type of feeling can be the start of a volatile and emotionally turbulent dynamic. I’m not going to stereotype entirely but I do think it’s worth thinking about. Sometimes part of learning to get past abusive experiences can involve assessing the initial triggers for attraction and reconsidering / analysing them.

I’m not saying this guy is actually perfect for you, I have no idea, all I’m saying is that ‘there is no spark’ might perhaps be a good thing if it’s a different dynamic to your previous relationships. Maybe giving it a little time, enjoying his company and taking the pressure off yourself to say yay or nay straight away might be the way to go?

PositiveVibez · 16/09/2018 16:27

Sorry to mention the car OP, but would you still want to date this man if he drove a robin reliant, because of the answer is no, you need to finish it and both move on.

FunkyBoldRibenas · 16/09/2018 16:29

I like a fast car...as long as it belongs to me. I wouldn't trust being driven around in one. I loved a 2l Capri in my day.

But OP - you mentioned it because that is what you like about him. If the car goes, what else would do it for you?

SoyDora · 16/09/2018 16:32

A myth? The car industry might argue with you on that one

The car industry is the one perpetuating the myth!
Anyway, leaving the weirdness about the car aside... there’s no spark, so move on.

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:32

I have no interest in buying my own fast car. I'm a traditional old bird.

He is lovely and will find someone else no doubt but seems to be smitten by me for some unknown reason.

I really wish I could find someone kind and with whom there's a spark but I'm starting to wonder whether they are mutually exclusive!

I know the car is not everything he is. I would not be attracted to a man who drove a Fiat Panda no. Same as I wouldn't be attracted to someone who lived in a hovel. Material possessions can be a good way to gauge someones financial position and financial position can establish whether someone has drive and ambition and intelligence, all traits I find attractive.

OP posts:
NiamhNaomh · 16/09/2018 16:32

What things do you value in another person?

Be honest. If it is looks? Or the gym? Or fast cars? Forget what MNs list would be, we all have our own different values, write a list maybe 10. How many boxes does he tick for you? That will be your answer.

powerwalk · 16/09/2018 16:33

The chemistry is either there and usually instant or it isn’t and does not grow in my experience.
I would hold out for someone that gives you 🦋 and makes you feel on top of the world. Stay friends and move on

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/09/2018 16:34

I love a car. They're great. I very much enjoyed having one of my own.

But I don't date someone because of their car and in all honesty; if their car was the best thing I could think of about them (in the sense of being sexually attentive), I'd know they weren't right. That won't last and it's not enough.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 16/09/2018 16:35

Absolutely roaring at people being disingenuous about how people can be more attracted to someone because of a car!

OP if there’s no spark just don’t bother. It might not be much now, but if you have nothing in common ten years down the line then you’ll regret it.

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:35

Yes, I'm thinking the attraction isn't going to grow. I'm just not that sort of person. Back to the drawing board.

OP posts:
lolaflores · 16/09/2018 16:36

If his personality is struggling to get past the impact the car has on you, then don't bother.
You might want to evaluate the relative importance of good manners, thoughtfulness and kindness as opposed to having a Porsche.
And no one is going to let the car bit drop. It seems you have linked his dateability with that side of things...the car being an example

AynRandTheObjectivist · 16/09/2018 16:36

Well, ultimately OP, you can't force feelings so if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. I also think that women with experience of abusive relationships sometimes struggle with the lack of "intensity/drama" (as they may perceive it) in a stable and healthy relationship. The fact that you don't think you're capable of a slow burn love suggests this might be true of you.

Ultimately, though, if you lay that much stock on a car (I'm struck that you mentioned that as "everything I should be looking for"), then it's possible you won't ever be as happy with a man as a piece of well engineered metal, and there's not really anything any fella can do about that. Why not just get a Porsche yourself if you like them that much? You can hire them for not too much money.

JungMum · 16/09/2018 16:37

I think that's a good question to help you figure out if it's right. If he had no car and arrived on a bus, would you still want to meet him (even on a date by date basis)

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:39

The porsche is what it says about him. Not the actual car.

OP posts:
SerendipityFelix · 16/09/2018 16:39

He is very grounded and normal. I'm not.

What do you mean by this OP?

category12 · 16/09/2018 16:39

Um, if you've had years of abusive relationships, have you done the Freedom Programme? The "falling hard & fast" often goes with love-bombing, a red flag. It might be your expectations of relationships need a reset?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 16/09/2018 16:39

Material possessions can be a good way to gauge someones financial position and financial position can establish whether someone has drive and ambition and intelligence, all traits I find attractive.

OP, we're all grown ups here. You can come right out and say you want a rich man, it's ok. You're being honest.

If that's what you want and you won't be happy with anything else, go to websites dedicated to that dynamic. I'm not convinced it'll lead to a union of soul-joining love, but it doesn't sound as though that's what you want, so it doesn't matter. You don't need to justify your preferences as long as you're not a dick about them.

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:39

No, but would would you want to date a man with no job who lived in a hovel?

OP posts:
FullOfNothing · 16/09/2018 16:40

I agree with Mumminmum.

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:41

You see, this is why I've posted. I'm not sure whether I'm used to passion and drama and whether this is normal or whether there really is nothing there.

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 16/09/2018 16:42

No, but would would you want to date a man with no job who lived in a hovel?

No, but I would quite happily date a man who drove a Honda Civic. Are these really the only two sets of men you know? Rich Porsche drivers and down-and-outs?

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