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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do with my new man?

184 replies

Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:07

He is an absolute gentleman, but there is no spark.
He adores me, is kind, attentive, good in bed, buys me flowers and chocolates, compliments me all the time, worries about me, minds me etc.
I've had years of abusive relationships one physically, and one where I was just messed around.
Can love grow? On paper, he is everything I should be looking for (drives a Porsche!), but can love grow or should I just end it now?
I tend to know how I feel about someone very quickly. I fall hard and fast, but equally, I don't think I'm the type for whom love will develop slowly.
What is the right thing to do for both me and him? Asking for myself primarily obviously.

OP posts:
mimibunz · 16/09/2018 17:05

Fwiw, I wouldn’t date a man with no job who lived in a hotel. Nor would my head be turned by a sports car. Find the right combination for you, that’s what matters.

gamerchick · 16/09/2018 17:05

Just so you know for future reference, this is about the limit. Up to this point, it's believable. This is what nukes the fridge

Yep, I saw that bit and thought similar Grin

Eliza9917 · 16/09/2018 17:05

I take it this is lady lar-de-daa?

RedPanda2 · 16/09/2018 17:05

Honey, finance now means anyone can get a 'fast' car. It literally means nothing, where I live there are lots of luxury car drivers. Doesn't mean they're anything special.
Maybe you need to go to therapy again to help you realise what you might like in a person rather than material possessions.

IdahoJones · 16/09/2018 17:11

buys me flowers and chocolates, compliments me all the time

This makes you sound terribly infra dig actually, OP, if you don't mind me saying.

DerelictWreck · 16/09/2018 17:14

It means that I like a man to be the one with the money and good taste

Ohhhhhhhhh.

So when you said traditional, you actually meant to write sexist? Gotcha.

Flatasapancakenow · 16/09/2018 17:15

I know plenty of " flashy" and "well off" people who are either up to their eyes in finance and debts or whose lifestyle is being bankrolled by Mummy and Daddy. My DH and I have a good jobs and a big house in a nice area, we shop in Sainsbury's and I have a very basic car from 2011 that I own outright and costs me hardly anything. I'm not really interested in cars and I'm more interested in paying off my mortgage, not wracking up unnecessary debts and having enough free time and spare money to go on holidays and be able to afford to do things with my kids. But by your estimation my husband I aren't hardworking or ambitious because of my car Hmm. There are plenty of very hardworking people out there who just haven't been given the same chances as others, or who prioritise their finances differently.

If you want a flashy car work hard and get one. Your BF sounds lovely. It's a shame he's being judged on his apparent wealth. You should dump him and let him find someone who values everything that he has to offer.

crimsonlake · 16/09/2018 17:18

I would hang in there, you are used to being treated badly and have found a nice guy. Perhaps you are missing the drama that being with your usual type of guy gives you even though it is not good for you. Maybe you do not even know what a good relationship looks like?

RyderWhiteSwan · 16/09/2018 17:19

I once agreed to date someone I vaguely knew through friends. He turned up in a red Porsche - I immediately thought "mid life crisis here." I felt totally embarrased to be in that car. Weird 'imposter' feeling.

Lovemusic33 · 16/09/2018 17:22

Dump him and buy yourself a Porsche 🤣

Seriously, if there’s no spark and all you really care about is his car, why are you with him? Women can have nice cars too, and stay single.

I have been messed around by several men, I tend to pick the wrong ones and I now find it hard to feel anything for anyone, so I am on my own (with my dream car which is not as expensive as a Porsche).

Lethaldrizzle · 16/09/2018 17:23

I always see flashy cars as penis extensions for insecure men. Just no.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/09/2018 17:26

@lovemusic33 ahh when you wrote I tend to pick the wrong ones and I now find it hard to feel anything for anyone, so I am on my own I really can relate to that . You sound lovely I do hope you meet someone nice Smile

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/09/2018 17:28

He turned up in a red Porsche - I immediately thought "mid life crisis here. 😂😂 that made me crease , i would have thought the same!

PatchworkGirl · 16/09/2018 17:28

"Material possessions can be a good way to gauge someones financial position and financial position can establish whether someone has drive and ambition and intelligence, all traits I find attractive."

I might actually be put off by something like this. Many, many people make poor financial decisions to be able to protray the appearance of success - a trait which is not at all attractive! Unless you know their true financial position (unlikely in the early days of a relationship, I would have thought), then a flashy car means nothing.

Barchester · 16/09/2018 17:29

A friend of mine who has assisted victims of DV for many years told me more than once that it is a sad fact that victims of abusive relationships are only attracted to that kind of man. Time and time again over the years victims of abusive relationships told my friend that they had met a wonderful new man, only for it to turn out to be more of the same.

You said that you usually "fall hard and fast" but obviously for the wrong kind of man. There is no spark with your new man because he does not possess the abusive instinct that turns you on.

I agree with other posters that you should finish with this new man and let him find somebody who appreciates him because that is what he deserves.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2018 17:30

I bet the Porsche is leased

Does he have a pony tail and a leather bomber jacket. Wear tailored jackets with Wrangler jeans ?

AnythingButMagnolia · 16/09/2018 17:32

I had this about 20 years ago. I was with a guy who drive a very fast expensive car. He was well off.

I had to ask myself would I feel the same about him if he had no money and drive an old banger. The answer sadly was no.

I get how money etc can be part of the attraction, offer security.... but I'd rather be with someone who I love for their soul not their lifestyle.

I think you know the answer.

expatmigrant · 16/09/2018 17:36

My DH drives a Porsche...so what? Could never even think as that being a defining element in a person...

LEMtheoriginal · 16/09/2018 17:37

@chiffon no comment on the thread but that song is my theme tune also. However the car has nothing to do with it. I never got the sports car. Im 48. I realised i didnt need it.

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 17:39

Anyfucker, sorry to disappoint, but the car is very definitely his.

OP posts:
WilburIsSomePig · 16/09/2018 17:41

In my OP I said I was asking for me, but the porsche seems to have told you all that I'm a bitch.

Absolutely not. Some of your subsequent posts made me think that.

Emmageddon · 16/09/2018 17:41

Oh dear and I wrote a sensible answer. I actually thought this was a real dilemma.

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 17:41

He loves his car. I love his car. We're very happy together but there's just no passion. Maybe that's how it should be.

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 16/09/2018 17:43

OP I wonder if you are attracted to “bad boys” and whether that is the “spark” you mean - that this man is simply too nice and he bores you?

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 17:43

Ok, so why not just call me a bitch Wilbur for posting for advice.

OP posts:
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