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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not know what to do with my new man?

184 replies

Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:07

He is an absolute gentleman, but there is no spark.
He adores me, is kind, attentive, good in bed, buys me flowers and chocolates, compliments me all the time, worries about me, minds me etc.
I've had years of abusive relationships one physically, and one where I was just messed around.
Can love grow? On paper, he is everything I should be looking for (drives a Porsche!), but can love grow or should I just end it now?
I tend to know how I feel about someone very quickly. I fall hard and fast, but equally, I don't think I'm the type for whom love will develop slowly.
What is the right thing to do for both me and him? Asking for myself primarily obviously.

OP posts:
TomHardysNextWife · 16/09/2018 16:42

The Porsche could say he's up to his eyeballs in car finance. Or knee deep into a midlife crisis.

If there is no spark, move on.

You both deserve better and life really is too short.

lolaflores · 16/09/2018 16:42

I don't think a Porsche says much beyond he has some money, can drive, likes expensive stuff....it doesn't say anything about integrity, intelligence. All those things you think it reflects are just part of the marketing used by Porsche to tell people if they buy one of their cars, the rest of the world will think they are great.
Gangsters drive Porsches.
But thats just me not sharing the same view of cars as you do.
I do't think owning a Rolex makes someone desirable. If they had two horses and 100 acres....well now...thats another issue

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:45

My Dad has 200 acres but cattle , no horses. No money in them unless you're a trainer. I'm not exactly poor myself. So I guess you all shop in Aldi then?

OP posts:
DerelictWreck · 16/09/2018 16:45

I have no interest in buying my own fast car. I'm a traditional old bird What does this mean?

AynRandTheObjectivist · 16/09/2018 16:45

One woman's "passion and drama" is another woman's "unnecessary horseshit bollocks making life ten times harder than it needs to be".

I'm not saying one or the other is right, it's often a matter of perception. I'm just saying that not everyone would be envious of your "passion and drama" (especially if it went alongside abuse) and may experience it as something really, really, really awful.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/09/2018 16:45

If you don’t want to rip his clothes off when you see him then I’d say you’re wasting both his and your time. You either have that spark or you don’t.

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:45

It means that I like a man to be the one with the money and good taste

OP posts:
hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 16/09/2018 16:46

How long have you been together?

If it's brand new and there is no spark, I would let him go.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 16/09/2018 16:47

My Dad has 200 acres but cattle , no horses. No money in them unless you're a trainer. I'm not exactly poor myself. So I guess you all shop in Aldi then?

Ah, you got me! Kudos! The bit about missing passion and drama from previous abusive relationships is what made it sound plausible before. Also you don't have an explicitly feminine username (though you hint at it), which also makes it flow a bit better.

Just so you know for future reference, this is about the limit. Up to this point, it's believable. This is what nukes the fridge.

I've always liked this game. Get a new username and do something else next time. See how far you can go.

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:47

I love my independence, love my own job, but it's nice to find someone who is financially secure.

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/09/2018 16:48

*My Dad has 200 acres but cattle , no horses. No money in them unless you're a trainer. I'm not exactly poor myself. So I guess you all shop in Aldi then?

Op you have genuinely lost me now. I have no idea what that has to do with the thread Confused but good for your dad !

PinkLady01 · 16/09/2018 16:48

Leave him and let him find someone more deserving of his attention Smile

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:48

What on earth are you on? Ayn? Pmsl. Am I a man?

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 16/09/2018 16:48

Let him go so.he can find a woman who loves and wants him. Having a man for the sake of it doesn't make sense. It won't kill you to be single until you find your type

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:49

Well, since you don't care about brands, I presume you all shop in Aldi? Simple deduction to make. Voted cheapest supermarket about 2 weeks ago.

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 16/09/2018 16:50

Never mind all that. New username and new scenario, please. Wait a few days so we don't immediately know it's you.

Original poster
Chiffon · 16/09/2018 16:51

Ok, I shall dump him. Leave him to find someone who loves him.

In my OP I said I was asking for me, but the porsche seems to have told you all that I'm a bitch.

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 16/09/2018 16:55

Well erm I shop at various supermarkets, aldi included , I’m considered a high earner but choose to buy what I like because I genuinely like it not because of the brand, many of things I buy are not well known brands but I prefer them.

You sound like the kind of person that spends her months salary on buying red bottom louboutin shoes just so you can post a pic on Instagram 🙄

I think I’ll leave this thread now. I too suspect you’re a fake poster Smile

JennyHolzersGhost · 16/09/2018 16:56

“I'm not sure whether I'm used to passion and drama and whether this is normal”

It’s pretty common but it’s not necessarily emotionally healthy. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get the same results you've always had. Maybe worth reflecting on, once you’ve finished fighting with people on here about superficial trivialities.

cheesemongery · 16/09/2018 16:57

Ok, I shall dump him. Leave him to find someone who loves him.

Yes, otherwise you're just wasting each others time. He could be falling for you, but if he were posting, I'd tell him to run a mile and find real love.

user1490465531 · 16/09/2018 16:57

You sound weird.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2018 16:59

I don’t think you’re a bitch. I think you’re confused. I also think you should take a step back before you do anything rash. As others have said you’re maybe confusing the love bombing and subsequent abuse for a spark. I also think these things can grow. Not that they will. But maybe.

LostInShoebiz · 16/09/2018 17:00

Jeez, it’s like some kind of full moon, half term, GF day on here today.

If this is a genuine thread then my advice would be that you need to think carefully about what ‘spark’ is and if you actually need it in your life. It sounds as if you’ve had a number of short term relationships but perhaps limited experience of longer relationships which are healthy. What people think of as ‘spark’ sometimes fades. Is then the drama comes in? Perhaps you’d be better off with stability, trust, mutual respect, etc. rather than ‘spark’.

Emmageddon · 16/09/2018 17:01

I like a fast car, the more expensive the better - but I would only be excited by one if I was the one buying it and driving it.

If his car is all he has going for him then give him a break and end the relationship, let him find someone who actually likes him for who he is and not his bank balance.

Sarahlou63 · 16/09/2018 17:04

Imagine he disappeared from your life tomorrow. Would you miss him?

If yes then try working on your attitude to relationships (counselling?). If no, let him go.

-I have my own Porsche-