To move out because I cannot cope with adult children

[tartanpompom]

No point saying make them move out - not possible or practical.

But I need some peace, I have work at home to do and I can’t do it because am being pestered all the time.

I’m looking at places to rent. Am I insane?

I have t read the whole thread word for word, but...

If you have no mortgage and are still working, could you get enough together for a small house extension? It could be joined, with a lockable door between to ensure you can get in, in emergencies, but they can't bother you. That, along with some 'home help' may be a thought?

I think you should do it. Save yourself, support them at a distance, see how it goes. Slowly introduce the idea of help if you can. If you don't nothing will change.

Can they manage to keep clean, no, cook, no, be safe and not vulnerable to harm, no. Are they at risk? Yes very much so.
Then they are eligible for standard pip if they need help with suitable clothes for weather etc also.

I know I'll be flamed for saying this, but your DC sounds selfish. I know they have SEN, but they don't seem to think about you at all.

Sorry if that's misreading the situation, but that's sounds like part of it to me.

Write to adult social services tomorrow to say you cannot look after them any more and to ask for urgent assessments under the Care Act 2014. If they won't do it, consult solicitors with legal aid contracts in community care, as it is likely that your children will qualify for legal aid.

so anything you suggest to them is met with a blank stare and refusal?

bit like you with this thread. did you just post to be dismissive? there are lots of questions and helpful ideas which you are ignoring and only replying to argue about the use of the word “toddler”.

@tartanpompom you are being ignorant to a lot of posters who are trying to help , how about you actually answer the questions .

You are resigned to the fact they won't live a happy life ? Cold , lonely and sad ? I think this is a joke post

I think you need someone else involved who can help you set boundaries and get more support for your DC. You're worn out and need backup and a fresh perspective.

I agree with this. I really feel for you OP. Sometimes when I read threads on here from mothers of children/teens/young adults with sn I wonder how on earth they cope.

You sound like you have a bit of money. I would use that money to buy the kind of support/facilitation/negotiation the council/social services should be giving you. Get someone in who specialises in this and tell them everything and see what can happen.

I think people who think this is a joke post don't understand how ground down someone can be after years of being the sole parent to a child with sn who will not accept help.

This really is almost identical to a recent post, adult DCs, additional needs (drip fed part way through) , refuse help, OP bats back every suggestion given and is intentionally vague, made comments about the state they left the toilet in.

I hate it when people are emotional vampires. This is clearly not real.

Was feeling v sorry for you y at one point then you seemed resigned to them suffering a long drawn out death without you. If you can afford it but a house the most expensive you can afford move on leave it in trust in your will to provide care for them when you’re gone. Start setting them up now for when you’re dead. You moving out is the only thing you’re happy with so do it and sort out care for after you’re dead

I don’t understand. They can’t move out as they can’t look after themselves but you can move out and they will be fine. That’s the same difference though... you also say they can’t clean, they are a fire risk etc so how exactly can they live alone if you move out? I think you are coming across as a bit of a martyr. Why are you letting them dictate what happens? If they won’t at least sign on to bring some money into the house I’d stop buying them any extras at all. No running them around either. I find you very cold in saying that if you weren’t around they would eventually die, so how the fuck can they live alone? You need to start putting things into place in case you pass away or just can’t look after them anymore. You don’t seem willing at all to get help so you must plan to eat sick and do nothing and have the knowledge your children will die, why is that ok with you? If you aren’t willing to help them eat help now, will you do it when you can’t look after them and know if they will die? They clearly have high needs and will qualify for loads of help, you just don’t want to look for it. Your kids sound selfish but you aren’t doing them any favours. You want to martyr yourself then crack on, but this will be on you and no one else.

Yes, as I was replying to this it put me in mind of a nearly identical recent thread MrsStrowman 🤔

Not just me hearing echoes then MrsStrowman... I asked and OP apparently sighed. So there you go.

Nothing wrong with coming back to post about an unresolved issue but a bit off to pretend you haven’t posted before while making no attempt to change anything.

She’s had loads of support, sympathy and suggestions. I don’t think that’s what she’s really after.

OP - do your DC have actual SN or are they just refuse to engage with growing up? Are they ganging up together?

They can’t move out as they can’t look after themselves but you can move out and they will be fine. That’s the same difference though... you also say they can’t clean, they are a fire risk etc so how exactly can they live alone if you move out?

I'm not getting this either.

Is it a politically correct 'they' or is there more than one adult child?

But lots of people are eligible for all different sorts of help and benefits. If they accept help from you, presumably they'd accept help from others if you weren't there? And if you're not there, then what choice will they have? Will the choose to just give up and die? How old are they? And how many are there?

I'm beginning to think the pertinent question might be are they even real?

There is a whole group of people with very real needs, who can't take care of themselves properly, who simply fall through the net. It's horrific. There was a thread a while back about a young man who had his mother in a similar difficult situation.

Are the issues caused by a mixture of ASD and mental health issues, OP? Perhaps MIND or one of the national autism societies could point you in the direction of help.

I know you say they wouldn't accept help, but really it's not their choice to make anymore. They are vulnerable and can't realistically survive longterm without you.

You don't say what their needs are exactly, but one thing is clear, and that is that they don't have the capacity (for whatever reason) to make safe, healthy choices for themselves. So you have to make some hard and shit decisions for the best possible outcome.

You sound ground down and like you're not thinking clearly anymore. I'm so sorry it's so hard. I'd be worried this could turn into an acute crisis if things just rumble on and on and on and you get no ease - you're a human being with needs of your own.

OP what sort of answers do you actually want here? Because IF we leave aside all the suggestions to change the situation you claim are irrelevant and impossible, There is really only one question you are asking: should I buy/rent a second property to live in?

To which the only answer surely is: if you want/need to for whatever personal reason and critically if you can afford to, by all means knock yourself out.

What is the dilemma, really, if not that the situation prompting the question is unreasonable and not sustainable?

It seems to me that you posted this with minimal information and are answering reasonable questions with such terse hostility because you WANT everyone to make suggestions that are obvious so that you can knock them back and prove (to us, to yourself?) that your situation is impossibly difficult. I can't see what one earth you are getting or were hoping to get from this thread otherwise really. What were you expecting or hoping for?

You sound very angry, very frustrated, very depressed. I think if you think your children will be fine in your house on their own, and you will be happier living in your own house/flat away from them, then there is no logical reason not to do so and it isn't even a question.

But I also think you should see your GP and talk about the toll this is all taking on you - not to get help for them as you say it won't be offered and even if it was wouldn't be accepted. But for you as you currently sound as though your life gives you no pleasure. That isn't something it is safe to just ignore, no matter how brusque and matter of fact you revel in being. Depression kills, and it creeps up on you. Take care of yourself.

This is bizarre. I have children inc a YA with SEN who would certainly need supported housing if he moved out. Can you not try and work outside of the home when you need to work, and start being assertive about carving out time for yourself if it has got to the stage that you actually want to run away? They will still be there and have the same needs if you move out, but youll have an extra house to manage, or else your children will fail. I get that its hard and relentless but surely you either look after them, or you get them some support.
Sounds like you all need a bloody intervention. I think youre missing something vital out of your posts because it doesnt add up

I hate posts like this. The OP is weirdly cryptic and then gets in a proper strop and all offended when people reply to the thread they post.

Totally understand if people need to vent but at least make it clear that’s what you want. Massively eye rolling here at all the snippy and stroppy replies OP has given.

I can truly empathise with the impulse to just run away from YA with SN or LD, I find the only way I can cope emotionally is to stay in the present. If I raise my head and think of the many, many years ahead it is crushing and very sad for all concerned. YAs having SN does not preclude them from being twunts at the same time. It is so hard to navigate services for YAs who are in a middle ground of SN. If it's very visible / critical there is help, if mild the YA can more or less help themselves with some support. Perhaps yesterday OP was having one of those days where she cannot see, or even hear a way forward.

What a weird thing to make a fake post about.