To move out because I cannot cope with adult children

[tartanpompom]

No point saying make them move out - not possible or practical.

But I need some peace, I have work at home to do and I can’t do it because am being pestered all the time.

I’m looking at places to rent. Am I insane?

I don't think it is a fake post. My take is that OP is too deep in the woods to hear suggestions atm. Sometimes when struggling "have you tried......." is just too tiring. But the post should, in an ideal world, have made clear it was a vent rather than a request for suggestions.

Instead of you doing it all, if money isn't a problem, (I'm assuming not, if you're contemplating a second residence - not such a bad idea, if you can afford it!) could you employ someone to be a kind of personal assistant to your children to get you some time to focus on your life? (I'm imagining a firm, but kind ex-nanny to look after them, feed them and do a bit of the running around!)

I’d get them housed with someone. Some people take in young adults and they have their own room and an allowance each week. They take care of themselves but have help if need be and someone to provide meals if they can’t. I don’t know much about it but it sounds like a better option than you renting somewhere else and then having the burden of two homes. I don’t believe for one minute your kids will be fine if you move out but they won’t be if they themselves move out. It makes no fucking sense.

If you don't have a mortgage, would it not be cheaper to buy a one bed flat near by

Possible options...

Staying at work after everyone has gone. Get yourself a cuppa some headphones and some snacks... off to work.

Local library - free space. Take your laptop, headphones and coffee. Work space sorted.

Costa/Starbucks/Local cafe - buy your coffee. Get your laptop out. Work space sorted.

If need be ask a friend to help out with supervising kiddywinks whilst you get stuff sorted in these places with no hassle.

Any of them help?

My friends son is autistic but refuses to believe he is - he spends all day googling stuff to prove he isn't . He could manage on his own theoretically, but the reality is he would fail miserably.

The Op sounds exhausted and defeated, it's difficult sometimes when you have tried all avenues to no avail and then everyone chimes in with 'have you tried ....'

But it does make sense. (Although maybe not if it's not your personal lived experience.)

Scenario 1: YA knows the family home, the space, the furniture, the gadgets, and the whole geography of the home and the neighbourhood. Parent visits as and when required, checks out that things are functioning, maintains bill payments, maintains existing relationship with landlord/mortgage, lots of familiarity. Chance of success.

Scenario 2: YA takes on tenancy in new flat, new neighbourhood, with new financial obligations, new neighbours, new journeys to shops, new public transport routes, new wifi, new everything, no familiarity. Possible exploitation by new 'friends'. High chance of tenancy failure.

LAs see this happening with e.g. care leavers all the time, sadly.

Can they manage to keep clean, no, cook, no, be safe and not vulnerable to harm, no. Are they at risk? Yes very much so.

This comment is what makes be whole hung make no sense. How can they be safe enough if they can’t do any of the above? The OP will have work to sort out and what rest is she getting if she has to go between houses cleaning and making all their meals and hers? What’s going to happen in the future when she isn’t around? She has already said they will die so is she seriously suggesting that’s what she will let happen? Why wouldn’t you try to get your kids to move on knowing they will die when you aren’t around anymore. She’s just going to let hat happen? Madness.

OP, you sound really worn down by it all. Sorry things are hard

Quack - if OP spends 3 or 4 hours per day sorting things in the family home the YAs could possibly microwave things, eat cereal, watch TV, play video games. She could hire a known cleaner / carer to keep an eye on things for another couple of hours every day. It's do-able but a sad state of affairs. As a PP said the family home is already set up it's easier for OP as a functioning adult to leave than find accommodation for several SN YAs. I'm sure when she has had a break OP will have the headspace to make longer term provision.

Last week my oldest (who finally has his own place) wanted to spend yet another night on my sofa despite me spending hours and hours with / on him every day. I snapped "fine, fucking have my house I'm moving into yours and changing the fucking locks"

How many DCs? How old? What’s their diagnosis?

Have they got sen ? Perhaps they could go into some sort of supported accommodation?

I haven’t RTFT so forgive me if this has already been mentioned, but can you not get respite care?

And 100% thet shpukd get pip if sen and maybe refer to adult services in local authority

oh goodness, you poor darling. I am having a NIGHTMARE with my 18 year old son. He is verbally abusive, physically aggressive, wont work, wont help around the house, makes mess everywhere and to top it all sits in his room and smokes weed which I have told him not to do in the house numerous times. I am close to breaking and I dont see why I should put up with feeling scared and exhausted in my own home. I know exactly what you mean when you say you want to run away. I will come with you too please. I am close to breaking.

@passwordfailure exactly. Familiarity is like a currency for YAs with anxiety. Very valuable and sought after.

@HopefullyAnonymous OP won't tell anyone those details.. said it doesn't make a difference & all anyone need to know is they aren't entitled to benefits etc.

If your children have a diagnosis surely it doesn’t matter if they don’t agree with it.

You are the competent adult, so you need to make decisions on their behalf.

Yes, get a place of your own, you can give yourself permission to do that, and in the short term you will gain peace and respite.

Think about the long term solution when you have done that, viewing the situation from a distance will give you a new perspective on the way forward.

I really feel for you, they have no dad to share the situation with so that must be really hard for you, anything is harder alone. Best Wishes.

Getting help or benefits for people that fall into a 'grey' area is really difficult, blimey , you often hear how hard people with severe disabilities have to fight to get help . Life just isn't that easy or straightforward, unfortunately.

YABVU.

Give them two choices - ship up or ship out!!

@op= my auto response is-do you have to work?would not doing so not remove the need for "space"?
but...
i am a person who will write people off if they infringe on my "silence" repeatedly capture my solitude(usually for shitty non reasons)people drain me.even my own kids sometimes. I cope with them-but in your situation doubt i would....is a not abouncer on the door/not a child-minder a possible?

@goldiehawn1 hugs to you....might some of the previous posters comments be helpful to you?💐

You have cabin fever. I have had it and it is a nightmare.

Do you have a garden where you can install a sort of out house/shed?

It's not as daft as it sounds. A friend of mine did it and it has made home life so much better for her.

Alternatively, join a posh gym that offers spa facilities, fluffy towels and all that sort of thing.

You need your own space and you shouldn't feel guilty for that.