To move out because I cannot cope with adult children

[tartanpompom]

No point saying make them move out - not possible or practical.

But I need some peace, I have work at home to do and I can’t do it because am being pestered all the time.

I’m looking at places to rent. Am I insane?

Can you employ a carer to care for them in your home if you move out? To do the things that you would normally do for them?
They are likely to respond better to a carer setting goals for them than you doing it, in my experience.

My sister is a carer to people who have conditions like this, OP. They live in her home in a kind of assisted living situation.

PM me if you want to know more.

OP - how about an interim measure? You could get a tenancy for yourself for 3 months or so and see how it goes? You are more portable and will find it easier to secure accommodation than they will. It's not fair or right but sometimes that's life. You will get some peace and perspective and may have enough headspace to think of and implement a more permanent solution. How about a short term let on air BNB or similar so you don't have to move so much stuff or set up utilities etc?

Imagine yourself 10 or 20 years on.

Has the situation changed?

Probably not, right?

But your mental health will be severely compromised and you will be older and possibly more infirm or unable to cope than now.

Anticipate what is going to happen and make plans.

If your DC were not able to be taught the absolute basics of cleaning or preparing meals for themselves then their level of dependency is high and as a result they do need outside help, whether or not they agree to it.

Short of dividing up your home into segments with an impenetrable flat for you and turning off your phone what else are you going to do if you don't involve outside help?

If you're prepared to spend a second household worth of rent, council tax, bills, etc, maybe you could just upsize your property if you have the spare money? Then you can ensure their bedrooms are on a different floor at the other end of the house. Maybe even a three floor house, you get the entire top floor and they are NOT allowed up.

It’s all very mysterious and vague.
What’s wrong with them? How many are there? How old are they?

tartanpompom no advice but I can absolutely see my eldest with SN being an adult who wouldn't engage with outside services even if he did meet the criteria (which he probably won't), and not being fully able to cope alone.

I'm guessing it feels like your world has got a little smaller each passing year and you're feeling trapped and overwhelmed. Is there anyone who can help you with them so you could get away for a day or 2? Not a long term solution but you sound touched out and worn down.

I sympathise Op, I really do. I think if you can afford it just do it, see if it helps or causes more hassle.

My sibling has special needs, gets PIP as it was organised when my parents were still alive . She lives in her own flat (organised while parents alive), has a job which was arranged by a charity and superficially can cope. Upon the death of our parents she was easily persuaded that she didn't need the weekly visits from a charity organised worker so those stopped. Her Social worker left and she has not been assigned another. All she has now is the telephone number of CAB, given to her by Adult social services.

This is a person who was in residential care in the past and had years in assisted type living where she lived in an annex of people who were paid to look out for her, provide meals etc. My parents thought organizing her in her own place, organising her to have a financial buffer and sorting visiting care with help at the end of a phone line was the best for her. It has turned into a disaster, she never should have been pulled out of being SS's responsibility. And now it is not possible to go back. She hasn't miraculously got better! It's the Cuts apparently.

OP you sound defeated, like the situation has worn you down so much that you don't have the energy to find a way out. That's understandable, adult children with HF special needs who won't help themselves because they won't face up to their level of needs over their functioning is hard. And can make you feel so weary. Could you try looking for support for YOU first? GP, counselling, a charity relating to your child's needs? You really sound worn down

Oh gosh this sounds really stressful OP.

Maybe you can be in a better place to help them if you're less stressed out by living together all of the time.

It seems as though you have convinced yourself that this is the best solution - not sure what other answers you want from the thread?

I'm sure you've thought about what happens later on when you're no longer around - could that be another solution? Not trying to upset you by asking this just wondering about other options you may have already thought of.

Oh just read up the thread and the question about what happens when you're not here anymore seems to have been dealt with. Apologies OP.

Could a 'lodger' move in if you move out who could clean/ care day to day.
Have people not heard of the human rights act. You can't force people to do what's best for them.
If you have the money I would pay others to do the ferrying/ cooking etc and get your own separate life.

This thread is like pulling teeth or as pp said, riddles. OP obviously doesn't want to say how old they are or what the diagnoses are, rejects any suggestions, makes conflicting statements and doesn't want to actively do anything that might help. OP what do you want out of this thread because it's obviously not advice on how to improve things for you all? People are trying to help you here and you're just dismissing everything.

We have a family member who was in supported housing until very recently. He sounds similar to your child/ children (it seems like one child ? ) he is in his mid seventies now.
He lived with his elderly mother for most of his life but he went into supported housing when she was in her late seventies I think. She was getting more forgetful, and I think everyone felt it was too much for her.
It could have been a battle but in fact he just accepted it. His mother has since died and he recently moved into a care home as supported housing was no longer enough for him in terms of help. You sound very defensive and defeated, it is hard to work out what you want from the thread , “permission “ to walk away ?
I agree with pps. You clearly need help but it is hard to know what to suggest when we don’t know how old your child is even, or quite what the problems are. Supported housing does sound appropriate from the little information on here. Our relative could keep himself clean, did volunteering, went out most days alone, (even if just to the library) , could have bought himself a sandwich and probably have made one. He has mental health issues as well as other difficulties which make him vulnerable and mean that at times he might not look after himself at all if he was alone. Now he has mobility issues and so does need the extra help of a care home.
You sound as though you really need some respite care, at the very least.

This sounds like my best friend's life, OP. I hear you. I'd be thinking what you're thinking, about that flat.

I think society is heading for a massive shock when the parents of young adult DC with additional needs can't or won't do the caring any more. Mostly these parents don't get social workers, or actual help, or decent financial support for housing, or effective signposting.

BF got a leaflet from CAMHS (the DS wouldn't attend) for a charity that had closed down a few weeks earlier. That's her 'support package' after years of begging for help.

I have addressed that perverse

The fact that the suggestions are not workable doesn’t mean they aren’t appreciated but I have repeated myself several times ... not rejecting just explaining.

You sound exhausted in every possible way. What would happen if you went away for a couple of weeks? Can you afford a holiday? I know it’s not a long term solution but I wonder if you’d benefit from clearing your head.

OP, I think it would be helpful if you would give a little more detail, it's been rather cryptic so far & not sure what you want out of the thread without explaining a bit more.

Even just if you say how many children & what their diagnosis are?

It may lead to some more tailored advice from others experiences in similar situations.

It wouldn’t be coveting all anyone need to know is that benefits extra help etc is not an option for them.

If you don't think they would work, do they have any hobbies they enjoy that they could maybe do volunteering? To try get them out of the house a bit more. Presuming they are in the house the majority of the day?

I hope you find some kind of solution OP but this thread is pointless as you won't give details and say nothing is possible anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you can afford the flat why not go for it? Could you rent somewhere for 6 months to see how it goes? Could be the push they need to accept they have limitations and need to apply for benefits.

What do you expect to happen if you do move out?

Is there any solid reason not to do it?

Nope, YANBU! Adult 'children' are a pain in the arse. I completely understand your situation. To the posters saying 'make them move out' it's not as simple as that and you've clearly not been in this position YET. Take some time away, rent a little place to escape to, for however long or short you want. Calling the offspring 'children' is crap and I reckon it goes some way towards enabling them to remain dependent.

Could you take a local Monday-Friday let (they're often advertised on Spareroom.co.uk) and just use it during weekday daytimes when the owners are out, perhaps setting it up as an office rather than a bedroom?