To move out because I cannot cope with adult children

[tartanpompom]

No point saying make them move out - not possible or practical.

But I need some peace, I have work at home to do and I can’t do it because am being pestered all the time.

I’m looking at places to rent. Am I insane?

Have you ever had a social worker in the past? I think that should be your first call. Phone them and say “I can’t cope with my adult children and their needs”. If they send someone to see you they should be able to tell you all the places to go next even if they don’t take you on as a case IYSWIM. That is what we did when I became ill when my DCs were little - they couldn’t help me themselves as we were still coping “too well” but they got us all sorts of other organisations involved who could provide a little support, and that added up to life getting a lot less shit.

Do your children do anything during the day, OP? If not then no wonder they're bored and hassling you. Are there any courses/activities you could set up for them?

@tartanpompom I do have the advantage that mine will do as I say and I also have full power of attorney over their financial affairs. I went with them to the job centre and they willingly applied for jsa. I had to do all the job applications and send them to all the appointments (or ring them from work to remind them to go) but they did go. I also went with them to the esa apppointments and filled out all the forms and went to the cab and put in an appeal when it was first rejected. It must be much harder when they refuse to do these things.

How old are they? How many dc are there? What is their diagnosis? Are they on medication? What do they do all day? Is there any support or groups they could access? Assisted living perhaps? What will happen when you can’t look after them?

But yes, if you can financially do it and they would be ok, then move out. Why are you even asking?

Can they manage to keep clean, no, cook, no, be safe and not vulnerable to harm, no. Are they at risk? Yes very much so.

Speaking from experience, these are exactly the kinds of things that supported living places help with.

If someone is unable to look after themselves on a day to day basis and is vulnerable to harm or being taken advantage of (in whatever respect that may be) due to a learning disability or mental health needs, there are absolutely places that will offer housing which includes regular support. Their needs will be assessed and it may be decided that they only require a few hours of support a week, or they may need support on-site 24/7, but the general aim is to equip people with the basic skills they need (and want!) to be able to live as independently as they can.

You need to speak to the adult social services team at your local council to start getting this in motion, otherwise you'll end up in the same sad situation as I've seen many times before, where someone with SN has to move out of the family home for the first time aged 50-odd because their parent is no longer physically able to care for them, or has died. It's much harder for someone to make that adjustment then, compared to if they had received the support to move out aged 20-something.

Honestly they are not ‘bad’ enough for supported living and wouldn’t accept it anyway.

So what will happen to them when you can't look after them any more.

I have explained ferrier

Is it the lack of hope for change that's getting to you tartan? The fear/feeling that this is it forever? Or the need right this moment for some peace/space you yourself?

Immediate space is easier to arrange. But long term is far harder.

How do you force an adult with no job no prospects and no insight to suddenly grow up without literaly kicking them out and being a bitch mother .... which none of us want to be. And when it is only you to help them?

Yeah. I can see the appeal of leaving them to it in your house whilst you move out.

It isn't practical, of course. For all the same reasons that you can't rent them someplace else to live. They'd trash your house. They wouldn't pay the bills etc etc.

You have to turn them into an adult not an adolescent. But easier said than done. And you are clearly worn out

I can continue paying the bills, that isn’t a problem. But the sad truth is I cannot live with them. I cannot work or focus. This evening I have been grabbed to take to a meeting 7 miles away and am sat outside now waiting for it to end to come back. It’s constant. If I am not physically there then this cannot happen.

What is their diagnosis? Is there a charity or support group who can help you navigate their care needs as an adult?

By "grabbed to take a meeting", do you mean they asked you to drive them to and from an evening meeting. A spur of the moment thing.

If you weren't in the house to be asked, then they would be forced to find another way or would just not go..... But wouldn't they just phone you and ask them to take them to this meeting? (I presume religious or sports rather than work or education meeting)

With regard to the constant pestering - do they only do it to you, or to others as well?

I'm wondering if they pester because they're 100% secure with you (i.e. you'll never reject them), whereas they know other people won't tolerate it- so they rein it in?

My DS (no SEN) will sometimes pester me or tell me long and boring stories about super heroes (!) because he knows that Mum will always listen - but he'd never do this with his friends.

I've had to start telling him that he has to be quiet sometimes because I'm working, reading, etc. Would your DC listen if you explained that Mum has to focus on work now so she can make a living/pay the bills? If they behave like toddlers, maybe a firm telling would work?

I expect you've tried that, just a thought.

Ah OP you sound at the end of your tether and you are feeling like you just can’t take it any more
I’m sorry things are so difficult and also that their father has passed away, sounds like a really hard situation

I don’t have any practical advice that hasn’t already been suggested but just wanted to send you some support and hope that things improve and somebody listens and helps you soon

They wouldn’t phone, no ... the odd message but easier to ignore

Re. Tonight's meeting. What would happen if you said no? A tantrum?

If that's the case, you need to set some boundaries and explain that you need advance notice if they need a lift somewhere.

If they would die without you being there to do everything for them, then surely their needs are high enough to require some level of support. Some places offer flats with as little as 5 hours of support a week, depending on need.

I suspect you're just used to feeling like you're the only one who can help and the only one they need, after so many years, but you don't have the bear the burden all your own, there are options. You may even find there comes a time when they see other people their age moving out and living on their own and they decide they actually want to do the same.

Also, surely planning ahead now would give you peace of mind that they would be able to have a happy life even if you weren't around anymore?

I would get no peace ami On and on and on. And guilt. Setting boundaries is difficult with some conditions.

I am resigned to the fact they won’t have a happy life, it will be cold and lonely and sad. I’ll do what I can of course.

I am so confused.

What additional needs do the older children have that means they can live independently yet can't understand that you need x amount of hours to work from home on your own in peace?

That reads badly but isn't intended too

Also, what does working at home intail what is it that you do for work?
L

Ok then.

You can afford to run both homes. Your child will be able to manage living alone if you pop in regularly. You can't face kicking them out. They have no income and aren't entitled to support.

They need to learn to live alone so that when you die they don't just starve.

Why haven't you done it? What's stopping you?

Do you work in an office and occasionally work from home? In which case I'd stop the working from home and only work in the office.

If you run your business from home, I'd look into renting those flexible serviced office spaces.

But this sounds like a bigger, much longer term problem. If you were to rent your own flat close by, you would have peace and quiet, but you'd also be lumbered with looking after two properties? It sounds like they can't really live on their own so would you get exhausted having to pop round every night? Maybe you need to do this for a year, for your own sanity to get a break.

Meanwhile it does sound like you're exhausted and run down. A couple of nights away? Any chance of training one of them to start helping out more?

OP - I completely understand. I have 2 young adult DCs who I feel are driving me out of my own home. They have SN and can't manage without me and I feel I can no longer live with them. I did manage to get DS1 a council flat (unsupported) and I pay his bills. He is very challenging and can't leave me alone for a whole day. At least now I can force him to go to his own place sometimes so I can get some space and peace. The younger one sadly is too ill as well as his SN so cannot live alone. Luckily he is sweet natured so I can cope with the thought of looking after him the rest of my life. Sometimes it feels like an overloaded lifeboat and someone has to get out or the whole thing will go down. Social services are a PITA with these "soft" disabilities. What I did was to emphasise how much the eldest's behaviour was impacting the more disabled youngest's wellbeing. It took about a year but he got a council place and HB pay rent directly to his landlord. He still boomerangs back here but I drive him back to his when I can't take any more.

Op there is actually quite a lot of help and support on offer here if you actually gave details.

I know how rubbish SS and the government can be with people who they don't deem disabled enough to require support but your dc's do sound very much as if they should be getting help. They are adults - they should have their own incomes (benefits), their own carers if need be and their own social workers too. From the limited amount you've written they're refusing to engage with getting any help but maybe with the right support you could get them to a place of being more independent. I guarantee other posters will have been in your shoes and will have concrete advice.

If you don't wish to share more then yes by all means throw money in the direction of getting yourself a bolthole; I think that sounds nice. But you shouldn't be having to pay for 2 properties. Surely that will cripple you long term?

Thanks passwords

Dc would never apply for benefits. They simply don’t accept their limitations.