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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out because I cannot cope with adult children

275 replies

tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 15:20

No point saying make them move out - not possible or practical.

But I need some peace, I have work at home to do and I can’t do it because am being pestered all the time.

I’m looking at places to rent. Am I insane?

OP posts:
Nomorechickens · 16/09/2018 19:04
  1. Rent office space to work in
  2. Get some help and support, maybe a relevant charity has support groups for people in your situation? You sound as if you are having to cope with all this alone
3 some regular evening activities to get you out of the house and do something to relax and switch off
WrongKindOfFace · 16/09/2018 19:05

I presume you’ve considered becoming their appointee and get the ball rolling with benefits. www.gov.uk/become-appointee-for-someone-claiming-benefits

What have local organisations said when you’ve contacted them about your child? Have they turned round and said sorry can’t help?

Original poster
tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 19:05

Cripes I don’t know where this office space has come from. I’m really not wanting to do that - thanks!

OP posts:
ShannonRockallMalin · 16/09/2018 19:06

Wouldn’t having to be running backwards and forwards between the two properties just swap one stress for another though?

Original poster
tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 19:07

Possibly. But not being mithered constantly feels very appealing at the moment.

OP posts:
ferrier · 16/09/2018 19:11

I have explained ferrier

I may have missed something but I think you said they'd die when you are unable to care for them any longer . Clearly that will not happen. However, you are understandabky so ground down by the situation that everything seems hopeless. Have you accessed any support for yourself? Spoken to GPs, mental health charities, carers organisations? They may be able to offer more practical solutions than we can.

lemonsorbetinthesun · 16/09/2018 19:13

You say they won't apply for benefits etc.. are they working, in college?

If they have some difficulties I would apply for LPA and then apply for the benefits on their behalf's

Original poster
tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 19:17

I said eventually ferrier hat souls vd the outcome.

It might take years but yes I think without me doing what I do they would be dead within five years

OP posts:
N0tfinished · 16/09/2018 19:19

OP, I'm in a similar position but my child is lower functioning.

I think you have to start a long term plan to get your DC out into their own home & into a supported living arrangement.

What will happen to them when you're old/sick/dead? If you continue as you are, there will be a sudden and awful crisis. A friend of mine has an older brother who had LD. He loved at home all his life. Father died, then mother died. They found themselves in a heartbreaking situation- DB howling by the front door as they were moving him into care. I've made a deliberate choice to get my child accustomed to respite etc.

Find your adult social welfare team, sit in their office & explain. If they say you don't qualify, then ask what they need for you to qualify.

It's really shitty when you know you'll never be finished parenting. I completely empathise. I sometimes think that you have to suppress your own wants and needs so much as a SN parent, it somehow robs you of your drive. I hope you find your peaceful place!

Original poster
tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 19:21

The thread is becoming very circular.

Dc will never accept help, is not ‘bad’ enough for supported housing and would never move into it anyway. I’m not being ungrateful but this is what it is.

And everyone saying the what if you die I really have answered this.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 16/09/2018 19:24

Have you got social services support. It might be time to get it and start talking about them movig to supported accomodation

ferrier · 16/09/2018 19:25

That won't happen unless they are an unsafeguarded suicide risk.

Here is a basic info about help for carers and some links/numbers for carers organisations: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/looking-after-people/carers-help-and-support/

passwordfailure · 16/09/2018 19:25

OP - I apply for the benefits on their behalf, I don't bother with LPA. I also pay the eldest's bills via direct debit and then drive him to the ATM on benefits day so he can pay me back in cash. I know your DC have SN but you can say "benefits or work, which is it?"

I think you are utterly overloaded and have given up the will to bother fighting for your own space. It's very hard to feel anything, let alone loving, when you look ahead and see no realistic improvements for the rest of your life. A couple of times a year I go on holiday by myself and I dread coming home.

Original poster
tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 19:28

Benefits or work would just get me a blank look. Anyway thanks.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/09/2018 19:28

I think you need someone else involved who can help you set boundaries and get more support for your DC. You're worn out and need backup and a fresh perspective.

This "Dc would never apply for benefits. They simply don’t accept their limitations" suggests that your DC are making life more difficult than it should be.

Do you have a relative (perhaps a sibling) or close friend whom you could confide in and ask them to help you review the situation from a fresh perspective - and then help you talk to your DC about how to improve things? It would be much easier to do with someone backing you up.

Right now, it sounds as if your DC are controlling everything (and not in a good way).

Haworthia · 16/09/2018 19:29

I can see why people are frustrated with you OP. One minute you’re saying they aren’t vulnerable enough to have a social worker, but then you say they can’t care for themselves and would die if left to their own devices.

They won’t agree to applying for benefits or help or supported living? Why not? Why do they get to even decide what’s good for them, if they’re otherwise incapable?

You sound so defeated and stuck in this situation and I have every sympathy... BUT you are facilitating this. If you want things to be different then you need to get them help. It’s out there.

I reckon you feel like it’s easier to carry on in this shitty life than force some changes that they’ll fight and hate you for, but in the long term it’s going to need to happen. So why not do it? First port of call would be to call in social services to do a “vulnerable adult” assessment.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 16/09/2018 19:33

Benefits or work would just get me a blank look. Anyway thanks.

This is a perfect example of DC controlling things. You need someone to help explain to DC that money has to come into the house to pay for food, etc. If DC is entitled to benefits or can work, they should apply/go out and get a job.

You're too tired to stand up to them, but someone else can help you to do it.

flowercrow · 16/09/2018 19:37

I am autistic and I think if you can afford it, it sounds like a good idea.
Also, if you're not there looking after them, maybe social services would be forced to step in.
I don't know because in our area there is support for all levels of adult autism but I know in lots/most? there isn't. And also people do have to agree to it.
Either way you sound desperate and depressed and I think getting some space for yourself is a good idea.

WrongKindOfFace · 16/09/2018 19:37

I reckon you feel like it’s easier to carry on in this shitty life than force some changes that they’ll fight and hate you for, but in the long term it’s going to need to happen. So why not do it? First port of call would be to call in social services to do a “vulnerable adult” assessment.

And a carer’s assessment for you. It is not a unique situation, they will have seen it before and will be able to advise.

Rosered1235 · 16/09/2018 19:41

OP, I think you’re being incredibly defeatist. Okay so your adult children have special needs. But you’ve said yourself they are not so severe to limit their ability to function day to day and you’ve said that your children don’t accept their limitations which indicates that their problems aren’t that severe at all. I think you need to start setting some boundaries for your children and make it clear that they need to plan to move out in the foreseeable future, even if that means you provide some support initially. In the meantime stop working from home or go do it at the library or a coffee shop and take yourself on a weekend break immediately!

MaryandMichael · 16/09/2018 19:45

I knew a woman online whose daughter was autistic, in her twenties, and semi-capable of living alone or with a friend. The mother involved social services, sold her own home and moved 200 miles away without the daughter. The daughter was then in a position to 'need' to be housed, with support, by the local authority and social services. It was the only way the mother could ensure the ongoing support the daughter was going to need after the mother was too old/infirm/only living on a pension and so unable to give it.

I take on board that you are 'a perfectly intelligent woman. If there was an obvious and cheap solution I’d have found it'. Sometimes when you're in the situation, it's hard to see the way out, even if there is one.

eelbecomingforyou · 16/09/2018 19:45

What diagnoses do your dc have? One minute you say they're too high functioning to need supported living, then you say they can't keep themselves clean or fed, which is pretty basic and they absolutely would be suitable for supported housing!

First port of call would be to call in social services to do a “vulnerable adult” assessment.

You sound very defeatist. If you gave some proper answers to all the questions here, you may find some help. Otherwise...

1981fishgut · 16/09/2018 19:47

Of course it’s partaical they can ducking house share

Unless their disabled then do not let them push you out of your own home

1981fishgut · 16/09/2018 19:48

And if they can’t live on there own then not really going to work you moving out

GabsAlot · 16/09/2018 19:49

you just soun d like youve given up

demanding to go to a meeting what meeting a friend a night out?

u dont have to do anything youre enabling them
as someone said u can apply on their behalf for benefits u dont need them to agree