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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move out because I cannot cope with adult children

275 replies

tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 15:20

No point saying make them move out - not possible or practical.

But I need some peace, I have work at home to do and I can’t do it because am being pestered all the time.

I’m looking at places to rent. Am I insane?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 16/09/2018 16:32

So are they teens? 20s? And yes, what are they pestering you about?

Mindchilder · 16/09/2018 16:32

Maybe you could explain a bit about what their needs are, what behaviour you are struggling with, and what barriers there are to them living independently at the moment?

WrongKindOfFace · 16/09/2018 16:32

How will you fund two properties.? Do they have an income?

fabulousathome · 16/09/2018 16:33

Lock the door of the room you are working in.

Original poster
tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 16:34

It makes no difference fabulous, not being rude here but I’m a perfectly intelligent woman. If there was an obvious and cheap solution I’d have found it. Imagine locking the door to a toddler, would it mean peace and quiet?

No not working. I’d have to pay. Be worth it though.

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 16/09/2018 16:36

For what reason would nobody rent to them?

I’m assuming if they’d be able to move out or stay at yours alone they have means to pay the rent/mortgage/bills/food etc so have jobs?

In just trying to picture a scenario where you have adult children with needs that mean nobody would rent to them but they can have independent lives and work?

I’m sure you’re being vague to avoid any identification issues which is fair enough but it just means it’s hard to get a clear picture of your set-up.

Things must be very difficult if you have reached the point of wanting to move out of your own home so I hope you find a solution Flowers

Eliza9917 · 16/09/2018 16:36

I suspect this was light-hearted.

Get a shed op.

JasperCopeland · 16/09/2018 16:37

If it's the best option for you, and you can leave them to get on with it safely , then Why shouldn't you have a second home to retreat to? Is it financially possible for you?

Original poster
tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 16:37

Queen well no income, and I think they’d refuse to go anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 16:37

What, Eliza? Confused

OP posts:
eelbecomingforyou · 16/09/2018 16:42

How many dc?

And if you think your dd can live independently, then why can’t she understand when you say you need some space?

Ruffian · 16/09/2018 16:46

Yes, just get a second home op Hmm

Imagine locking the door to a toddler, would it mean peace and quiet?

If they're capable of living independently then they're surely capable of being made to understand 'house rules'

seventhgonickname · 16/09/2018 16:47

Can you really afford 2 homes and bills.Would they clean the house or would you be expected to do that too.If you can afford it and you think they can cope then do it.I can see that you are at the end of your weather and see if they can't move then it will go on for ever.Flowers

Elephant14 · 16/09/2018 16:47

I think we either give up on the thread or you answer some queries OP, unless you didn't want replies?

How old are your adult children and how many people are you talking about? Are they capable of living alone either as a family unit or individually, can they work, or are their needs such that they will never be independent? You say they would refuse to go, why is that? Are you alone or do you have a partner? Do you love the kids and want them to stay but you just need space? In which case can you rent an office?

Cagliostro · 16/09/2018 16:48

This sounds really difficult OP and it is something I worry about for the future with my two autistic, but too “high functioning” for help, preteens.

You say they don’t have a social worker etc but might it be worth contacting adult social care? At the least they should be able to signpost a bit to see if there is any support out there.

Do they get PIP etc?

I’m sorry I can’t actually give any constructive advice as I’ve not been there yet, but I do know the difficulty of being in that middle ground between needs no help, and severe enough needs to get help, that sums up our experience of the school system. It’s frustrsting and exhausting.

SirVixofVixHall · 16/09/2018 16:49

How old is your dc and what is the special needs issue ? I think both those things make quite a difference in terms of the best way to move forward with this.

DarlingNikita · 16/09/2018 16:49

Yes, what Elephant14 says. You're not really giving us much to go on.

Joinourclub · 16/09/2018 16:52

There was a very, very similar thread quite recently, so you are not alone OP.

If you are prepared to pay two lots of rent, why not move them out instead? Plenty of adults with special needs manage to live out of the home with support. You could find them a flat, pay their rent, do their washing, help with shopping and then go home to peace and quiet.

FullOfNothing · 16/09/2018 16:53

My Mom is a constant pestering type, no amount of directly tackling it, subtle or not subtle hints or trying to ignore her works. Some people are just annoying with zero self-awareness.

Original poster
tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 16:55

No pip or form of income. To be honest I am reluctant to pay a deposit and monthly rent for them. It feels brutal for one thing - like they are being chucked out - but more importantly I think it would just get trashed.

OP posts:
ZorbaTheHoarder · 16/09/2018 16:56

Why are you being so cryptic, OP?

If you want people to be able to offer you useful advice, then you could help them by explaining the situation in a bit more detail.

I can hear that you are at the end of your tether, so why not let people help you?
Just take a deep breath and explain what's going on!
Best of luck

firsttimebabybirther · 16/09/2018 16:56

YANBU . I think if you can afford it and it would work for you then do it.

Original poster
tartanpompom · 16/09/2018 16:56

And yes cag - it is that middle ground you speak of. Hard, isn’t it? Sad

OP posts:
HairyToity · 16/09/2018 16:57

Can you get an allotment? Have a shed and bbq there. Or join a spa/gym. Maybe travelogue it one night a week. If you can afford a second home. Then why not! If it makes you happy.

Xmasbaby11 · 16/09/2018 17:00

Could you rent a workspace somewhere? Working from home is probably what's tipping you over the edge.