Mum at school making me feel crap!

[VillianInaDress]

Hello everyone. I want to start by saying I'm not a nutter but I am very confused about this mum at school and how she makes me feel. I live in a very affluent and pretty village in Derbyshire. DS1 and DS2 go to the local school which is a wonderful place DH has a great job and I run my own little business from home so I am very happy in general. Since school started, there is this mum, and I had heard about her previously but not really seen her. I only saw her this last week or two and I am going to sound so pathetic here but, she makes me feel like crap. Every single time I've seen her since school has started again I've just stared and felt like a right frump in comparison. I thought she was about 25 found out on Friday that she's nearer 40. She doesn't dress inappropriately but her legs and bottom look amazing in just a pair of leggings! WTF? She wears heels every single day, every day! And I've seen her run into the playground wearing these heels!!! Shas 3 kids, one has just started reception and from what I know she is divorced.
She makes everything look so easy. Her kids always look immaculate with best hair and clothes. Oh and packed lunches for all 3 and my DS has told me that she puts notes on little napkins for them and sometimes they even bring in homemade goodies rather then the soggy cheese sandwiches I give to my kids. I've been told she is doing a degree in law AND she's a freakin school governor and she just looks gorgeous every single day!!!! How? And why am I feeling like this?
Most of the other mums say nasty things about her because apparently she's not very friendly and even I see she just brings her 3 DDs and then leaves without talking to anyone. But my DS is friendly with her oldest DD and from what he tells me her DD is really kind and not like other typical 10 /11 year old girls so this mum must be doing something right?
I want to say hello to her because maybe she's lonely? Or maybe I am? To make it worse, DH knew exactly who I was talking about when I mentioned her to hin and he said all the dads at school drool over her which made me wonder if he does too? I've only had 2 children and I am only 29 but I look older then this other mum who has a good 10 years on me. I am normally not like this, why does this mum make me feel so inadequate? She doesn't come across as stuck up, more just not wanting to get involved but then why does she make such an effort to look so good if she doesn't care what others have to say about her? Why does she affect me this way? I now feel paranoid about letting my husband go to the school in case he sees her and thinks how unattractive and lazy I am compared to her AND the heels!

Help!!!!

Break the cycle, OP! You don't have to be a Mean Girl - have a chat to her. Everyone is hurting about / struggling with something.
You can be the woman who is confident and positive about other women - that's something to be proud of.

With DS1, I always had my hair immaculately blow-dried and wore a full face of make-up every day. DS1 was always bathed every night, clean of face / clothes and turned out nicely. I was confident and friendly.

Unfortunately I also had crushing, soul-sapping PND after a horror birth and the long-term sleep deprivation which followed, and nobody, NOBODY realised except for one sainted Mumsnetter on my birth club MN Facebook group, who I'd never met and who prompted me to realise and get help.

Things are not always as they seem. Be kind - as the raging chauvinist Socrates probably didn't say - for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

She could easily be my cousin, who always looks gorgeous, makes everything by hand (incredibly skilfully) and has a ridiculously posh voice.
She is also one of the loveliest, most generous, kind, principled and humane people I know.
And at the moment her husband is dying. Being perfect is no guarantee against it all going wrong.

Does she have an envious MIL too?

Everyone thank you for your replies, I mean that. I've had a shit time lately and I think this has run away in my head. The suggestions about saying hello are very kind and good advice. I am just trying to get through some stuff and perhaps I've fixated on the wrong things. My DH was joking but I didn't find it funny. I'm not a bitch but I do need to sort myself out. Thank you for giving my head a good shake.

All the dads from the school go to the local pub and they all say how great it would be if their wives made the same effort

No they don't.

This reads like you're trying out the plot for a sub-standard TV thriller, the kind of cack that goes out at 9pm on a Tuesday evening, starts off quite promising, then devolves into a series of ludicrously unrealistic twists and gaping plot-holes.

Is the main premise going to be that uber-stunning mum gets murdered (couldn't run away quite fast enough in those heels!), and we don't know which of the bitchy jealous mums from the village did it due to a suspected affair? I'm thinking Happy Valley meets Dr Foster, but with a lower-grade cast list?

Allfed - that's so sad for your cousin. :(

Bit bemused that you think a 40 year old can't have great legs and arse!

She's clearly motivated in life.

Hold on how do you know that. You only see her at the school and have never spoken 2 words to her.
I too make an effort to look put together and polished. I'll freely admit I wont even take the bins our without a face full of make up on. I probably look like I have my shit together. However in reality I'm falling apart at the bloody seams.
I didn't really talk to mums. I was never on the play ground long enough to stand around chatting shit.

Bit bemused that you think a 40 year old can't have great legs and arse!

OP seems like a very young 29 year old.

And you know how far away 40 seems when you're 9 29.

I take back what I said. Good for you for coming back and acknowledging the feedback.

Oh gosh..... she is divorced, has three kids and is a law student who dresses well?

She is probably struggling inside and a lot of people dress a certain way to make themselves feel better.

I suspect a lot of people feel the same way about me at the school gate. I have three kids and am fit. I smile and look friendly as I find it easier that way. Inside I often feel lonely and my marriage is a bit shit

You never know what is going on in someone’s life.

Smile at this woman and break the ice. Maybe she can share her secrets for a pert bum

WTF!!??!!??! DH has just told me he's had dreams about her. WTF???

Did he really just announce that, apropos of nothing, at half two on a Sunday afternoon? Really? You were pottering about and he just blurts out 'I have dreams about the awesome woman at school who wears the high heels in the yard that all the dads in talk about in the pub that you're really jealous of but I've decided to tell you this because it will massively help you overcome your jealousy'?

Also you thought she was 25. However she has an 11 year old child so that would have made her 14 when she had her.Speaking hypothetically here but If that was the case it wouldnt have been an easy life would it becoming a mother at 14.

You said in your op you were very happy in general op?

If this is for real, then yes, you've got some problems. She's not it. There will always be attractive women. If you're not happy with youtself, feeling frumpy or inadequate, unattractive, whatever then do something about it.

I actually feel quite ashamed of myself. We moved here 3 years ago and it's been hard to fit in with other mums. I don't think I've ever felt truly accepted and with all my family and friends being in Somerset it is quite lonely here. Listening to gossip hasn't helped and I expected people here to back up what I was saying and feeling. No one has done that and instead I've had people take the time to respond with alot of common sense. I struggle to make friends and a few mums said this lady had said some not very nice things about me but like people have pointed out if she drops her kids and leaves then when would she be bitching about me? What a mess

What makes her smug? She doesn't hang around to chat- maybe the studying and raising 3 kids alone means she has to prioritise her time other than gossiping at the gates to appease the other parents. She has an interest in her children's education as she is a governor at the school. Maybe she's aware of the judgment by the mums and listing by the dads and figures she can't win, doesn't want to win, and so does what she has to and leaves? I work, I do t have time for a chat after drop off- too much to do. Maybe she tries to do everything during school hours- study, etc, so she can relax in the evenings?

This is one of the most pathetic things I have ever read on this site. I can't even be bothered to sugar coat it.

Then there's this:-

Don't be jealous, she's divorced. Most of the glam mums I know are divorced. Beauty doesn't equal happiness. In fact, it probably just makes you more insecure. Better to haggard but happy.

Being married correlates with being happy? . Not in my experience. I bloody love being divorced and single.

Ridiculous .

Jealousy like yours will devour your soul or what's that quote something about comparison being the death of joy.

With green eyed Mums slagging her off (in person and on MN) and Dads leering at her, exactly why would she want to stick around for small talk with you lot?

Bluntness I like to believe I'm happy but how have I let my head get to such a place about someone who has never said a word to me and thinking about it now her DD has often helped my DS with his maths because he gets bored quickly with it and then here I am. No wonder DH acted the way he did. How do let ourselves become so unhappy and think badly of others? I am not very happy then am I.

So are you very happy or having a “shit time”? And now you claim that this woman has been gossiping about you? When she apparently doesn’t speak to anyone?

Congratulations. I think you win today’s award for fastest back pedaling on MN.

I haven’t read the whole thread but leggings and heels????? Not a look I’d be wanted to emulate but each to their own.
You don’t know what her life is like op. Often those who do the best at keeping up appearances are actually trying to hide what’s going on behind closed doors. Maybe she’s insecure and needs everyone to think she’s supermum and gorgeous etc.
Try to concentrate on your own family and happiness.

I am not back pedalling. I just see different points of view and they make sense and I am admitting where I have gone wrong