Mum at school making me feel crap!

[VillianInaDress]

Hello everyone. I want to start by saying I'm not a nutter but I am very confused about this mum at school and how she makes me feel. I live in a very affluent and pretty village in Derbyshire. DS1 and DS2 go to the local school which is a wonderful place DH has a great job and I run my own little business from home so I am very happy in general. Since school started, there is this mum, and I had heard about her previously but not really seen her. I only saw her this last week or two and I am going to sound so pathetic here but, she makes me feel like crap. Every single time I've seen her since school has started again I've just stared and felt like a right frump in comparison. I thought she was about 25 found out on Friday that she's nearer 40. She doesn't dress inappropriately but her legs and bottom look amazing in just a pair of leggings! WTF? She wears heels every single day, every day! And I've seen her run into the playground wearing these heels!!! Shas 3 kids, one has just started reception and from what I know she is divorced.
She makes everything look so easy. Her kids always look immaculate with best hair and clothes. Oh and packed lunches for all 3 and my DS has told me that she puts notes on little napkins for them and sometimes they even bring in homemade goodies rather then the soggy cheese sandwiches I give to my kids. I've been told she is doing a degree in law AND she's a freakin school governor and she just looks gorgeous every single day!!!! How? And why am I feeling like this?
Most of the other mums say nasty things about her because apparently she's not very friendly and even I see she just brings her 3 DDs and then leaves without talking to anyone. But my DS is friendly with her oldest DD and from what he tells me her DD is really kind and not like other typical 10 /11 year old girls so this mum must be doing something right?
I want to say hello to her because maybe she's lonely? Or maybe I am? To make it worse, DH knew exactly who I was talking about when I mentioned her to hin and he said all the dads at school drool over her which made me wonder if he does too? I've only had 2 children and I am only 29 but I look older then this other mum who has a good 10 years on me. I am normally not like this, why does this mum make me feel so inadequate? She doesn't come across as stuck up, more just not wanting to get involved but then why does she make such an effort to look so good if she doesn't care what others have to say about her? Why does she affect me this way? I now feel paranoid about letting my husband go to the school in case he sees her and thinks how unattractive and lazy I am compared to her AND the heels!

Help!!!!

No you're not. But it's youtself you're not happy with.

And if this woman doesn't talk to others she's clearly not going about saying horrible things about you. She doesn't even know you. I suspect that's you that's saying the horrible things about her. You shouldn't be discussing her with other mums. It's obsessional.

Jesus, I’m glad I live in grim, anonymous London. Don’t even know my next door neighbours names... thank God, if this is where it gets you.

I think you win today’s award for fastest back pedaling on MN.

Nah, it's the award for crappest plotting of chick-lit/thriller

I am not back pedalling

Yeah you are. You're now trying to make out she's done something to deserve this, if she'd been bad mouthing you it would have been the first thing you mentioned.

Jesus, I’m glad I live in grim, anonymous London

That's why the Derbyshire village location was so carefully detailed in the first post

I admit I am jealous of her because she is clearly motivated in life but she seems smug about it and I'm certain from what the other mums have told me she knows that people stare at her and instead of having a friendly chat she just walks straight past.

You said in an earlier post that she doesn't seem unpleasant in any way, she just keeps to herself and goes in to drop off and pick up. Now you're saying she seems smug? Why? What's she said or done, other than be attractive and self-contained in your presence?

And if people stare at her and talk behind her back like this, why on earth should she talk to you? What does she owe you?

Anais Nin once said that we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. You are very clearly seeing her as you are.

No, you’re contradicting yourself left, right, and centre. Perhaps you thought everyone would agree with your OP and add their own catty observations about other women. But things didn’t quite go that way. So new contradictory details appeared.

Can't people be decent enough to take on board the fact that the OP has listened to what people have said?

OP, I kind of think if you could genuinely see different points of view, you wouldn’t have made this post in the first place. ‘Sorry I was wrong to judge her’ and leaving it there would have been a better response. Trying to justify the post now is doing you no favours I’m afraid.

Thank you Marie!! This is what I mean. It's not normal to do all that she does without some sacrifice somewhere. No one is that perfect.

Oh I hate that. Just because YOU aren't up to her standards doesn't mean she's letting things slips in some areas.

I admit I am jealous of her because she is clearly motivated in life but she seems smug about it and I'm certain from what the other mums have told me she knows that people stare at her and instead of having a friendly chat she just walks straight past.

Perhaps you are mistaking her not wanting to get involved as "smugness". Can you really blame her if she doesn't want to stop for a "friendly chat" if the other parents are all bitching about her. Why is it her responsibility to be "nice"?

And even if she did stop to chat, what's she supposed to say? The other Mums are judging her so presumably wouldn't be satisfied unless she was to get down on bended knee and apologise for being happy and organised. The only reason they want her to chat is because they want to find out that she's not perfect and that there's something wrong or that she's not good at, so that they can make themselves feel better.

It all sounds pretty unpleasant and judgemental, because this woman's only crime is to have kids that attend the local school and to not want to get involved with a group of parents who - quite honestly - sound nasty and rude.

Comparison is the thief of joy. If this woman has made you stop and think about some things that you'd like to change then get on with that and concentrate on your own thing.

Wow, op, I don't know if you're serious. If you are having a shit time then im sorry. You've actually made me feel a bit sick though. It's pure misogyny. You want to hate and revile her because she's doing well. That's awful. It's very sick to see something working well, fulfilling its potential, beautiful and functional, and want to smash it up. Sorry, but you really really need to stop this.

I’m not doing a degree and I don’t have an arse that looks good in leggings…but I’m the Mum that doesn’t make chit chat in the playground, that sends her kid in with a packed lunch with home made stuff in, etc etc - and I don’t talk to the other mums much because I know they talk about me, that they make snide comments about my parenting.

She knows you’re talking about her. She knows people think she’s trying too hard. She’s not, she’s parenting the best she can, and if that makes you feel inadequate that’s not her problem.

Is it any wonder she doesn’t want to be friends with you when you’re bitching about her? You’re not as subtle as you think you are.

There’s a Mum at my sons school who wears mini dresses and heels every day with bare legs even in the freezing weather. It isn’t a classy look mind. She’s in her 40’s and has a great figure and I’m a 26 year old normal looking casual mum 😂 but I’m in the majority I guess. The over dressed Mum is actually really nice. I did feel rather comfortable when he had to lean over in front of me in the playground recently, nearly seen everything.

Anyway, maybe not many mums have approached this Mum in question? Maybe she’s actually a little anxious about the whole school run thing. Maybe dressing up makes her feel more comfortable and is the way she likes to dress? Maybe she just likes to take huge pride in herself. She could actually be a very lovely person. Sometimes behind he immaculate outfits, hair etc she could have some self esteem problems. You really don’t know a person until you get to to know them. Maybe by doing what she does helps her feel in control? Maybe she’s struggling with her divorce?

I’d like to add I am one of those mums who drops the kids off and goes. Same with pick up. I like to make a quick get away. Hate hanging around.

Honestly, id suspect she's just not interested in being friends and is busy. There doesn't have to be some sad situation occurring like low self esteem or anxiety. She's got a 14 year old, she's been doing the school run for nearly a decade.

I have neither low self esteem or anxiety, I simply was busy, wasn't interested and didn't give a shit. That's the honest to god truth.

It's more common than you think. Women who don't wish to hang around or make friends with school mums are sometimes just busy with other things in their lives and not interested.

Glad you have taken the responses on board. Try and say hello and mention how kind of her child is to help your child in maths. She may be a lovely persin, she may not be but at least you have taken the time to get to know her.
I also don't talk at school gates, I hate the thought of "mum" friends. My friends are based on shared values, sense of humour and interests. Not just because our kids are in the same school.
Op time to re assess your own life and if you are feeling fulfilled.

You're jealous of her looks and her lifestyle, but have nothing nice to say about her personality.
She knows people stare, but doesn't stop to chat with them.
Can you bloody blame her?

So she hasn't done or said anything nasty? She hasn't tried to shut you out?

There are ALWAYS going to be more beautiful and?or more glamorous or more popular women about.

So she is organised. So what?

People used to talk about my sister like this. She didn't inherit the figure of a sports model to piss anyone off, it just happened.

OP, you get to choose whether to be a friendly acquaintance or an unfriendly one. So, choose to be friendly. And use the headspace you are currently employing on envy and self-reproach to be kind to yourself and make some improvements.
Because, while I completely get how some individuals can cause you to feel inadequate just by turning up, I know from seeing women bitch about my sister that nothing makes a person look less pleasant or attractive than giving vent to this kind of jealous hostility.

Poor OP is getting a pasting yet she had the bollocks to come back on and at least try to explain herself.
The moral of the story : don't judge by appearances and never, ever, ever get involved in playground gossip... ever.

I admit I am jealous of her because she is clearly motivated in life but she seems smug about it and I'm certain from what the other mums have told me she knows that people stare at her and instead of having a friendly chat she just walks straight past. Why?

Think you've answered your own question there, don't you? Why does she walk straight past instead of "friendly chatting?"
If she knows that people are gossiping about her and staring, I sure as hell would feel initimidated and not really wanting to talk to the jealous (your word!) gaggle of mums.
You really need to focus on sorting that jealousy of you, it's making you clearly bitter. She on the other hand sounds lovely (notes to children, helping out etc) and dressing for her as it's obviously not for anyone's else benefit if she just drops in and out.
Be happy being you.

Is Peak Practice coming back to our screens? Perhaps OP is one of the scriptwriters, trying to introduce some new characters - the beautiful 40yo divorcee and the dowdy look-middle-aged-but-are-actually-still-quite-young schoolgate mamas? Throw a handsome new GP into the mix and there we go. Pass the stethoscope.

I'd just think good for her- she's probably ussed the other mums are btching about her so maintains her dignity, doesn't get involved and keeps her distance.

She probably looks good because she's doing for herself and not worrying about what a man thinks about her. Since I got divorced Iprobably look a fwe years younger - because I got rid of a great big nasty 13st mental drain from my life. I wasn;t being harrassed everyday and dreading the sound of his key in the lock.
I gained in confidence because I can do everything I need to for myself and I am independent and not reliant on anyone. That' not smugness - it's something I had to learn to survive, so I tend to hold my head up high and look purposeful.

that doesn;t mean to say I don;t have my moments of sadness or anxiety, but on the whole I keep them well hidden.

If your children are friends, ask her child round to play, she may be a perfectly lovely woman, how she looks is no ones business but her own. She's probably having a good laugh at all the pathetic men drooling over her - I hope she is.
Approach her and test the water, the worse tha can happen is she rejects your friendly apporaches, and then you are in the same psoition you are in now. Or she might be welcoming and become a good friend.
As for your husband fancying her - that isn;t her problem, that is your insecurity is there anything in the way she behaves to suggest she is keen on your DH - she probably hasn;t even noticed him or just classes him in with the other idiots who stare at her.

It's interesting though how many posters are suggesting if she doesn't wish to make friends with other school mums there must be a sad reason, she's low self esteem, anxiety, is uncomfortable, is lonely.

My view is the opposite. If you're hanging round the school gates trying to make friends with other mums, then that's probably the lonely person, the one with anxiety who needs to fit in, who needs to be accepted.

Possibly that's becayse I was the mum who cut and run, and knew it wasn't because of anything negative. So view other mums as likely being the same. Especially one doing a law degree, becayse by that's a bastard in terms of work load, is a school governor, and has three kids.